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Jesus Of Cleveland
I'm a 30 year-old woman who hasn't been in a serious relationship in at least
seven years. I've had a series of casual involvements, but I can't seem to
meet a guy I consider "boyfriend material." My friends tell me that I hold my
ex-boyfriend in God-like esteem, and that no one will ever compare. Well,
let's say that's true. I honestly haven't met anyone like him. What can I do?
Isn't it possible that he was "the one," and that maybe I goofed? Please,
your insights. --Stranded In Single-Land
UNLESS YOU HAVE IT on good authority that three wise men happened to be in
the neighborhood on the day your ex-boyfriend was born, you're holding him in
a little too much esteem.
Ex-boyfriends are always at their saintliest when viewed through a rear-view
mirror. Your ex might have had a number of good qualities, but he was
probably still mortal when the two of you were dating. Seven years down the
road, you've reminisced him into Jesus, Elvis, Buddha, and Brad Pitt, all
rolled into one. No wonder none of the new guys you meet seem like "boyfriend
material." You can't stomach settling for a guy who's simply bright, honest,
interesting, and attractive. Unless he can also cross a body of water on foot
while singing "Blue Suede Shoes," he's out of the question.
If you don't think celibacy sounds like a fun way to spend a lifetime of
Saturday nights, you'd better get into getting down with a few mere mortals.
First, abandon that myth that there's one perfect person for everyone. In
reality, there are a lot of people who are pretty much okay for a lot of
other people, providing that they haven't turned their hearts into shrines
for long-lost imaginary friends.
Try to figure out why you canonized your ex. Jung felt that "the need for
hero symbols arises when the ego needs strengthening." If you are in the
midst of an identity crisis, don't expect some man to be your personal
"Rescue 911." Until you accept your own flaws and become able to stand on
your own without wobbling, you're sure to look down your nose at any guy who
doesn't show up to your first date with stigmata.
It's time you put the intrusive memories of your ex out of your life once and
for all. To do that, hold a funeral for your former relationship. Send
invitations to your closest girlfriends, asking them to wear black and bring
flowers. Gather photos and mementos from the relationship that was, and place
them in a shoebox. After a solemn ceremony in which you break with your
imagined past, bury the shoebox in your parents' backyard, next to the grave
of your pet rabbit, and your ex-boyfriend should haunt you no more.
Copyright ©1998-9, Amy Alkon, from her syndicated column, Ask The Advice Goddess, which appears in 60 papers across the U.S. and Canada. All rights reserved.
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