On Crowd Nine
In some marriages, somebody could lose consciousness and it wouldn't be all that noticeable...
Fraud Prince
There's that saying, "act your age," and he is -- as a guy cresting 50 who wants a girlfriend who still sometimes gets carded...
The Hand That Rocks The Ladle
Well, according to some research, married people do live longer. However, that's sometimes just because they were unsuccessful at killing each other...
Darth Vaper
What's worse than the crime? The cover-up -- when your wife asks "How was your day, honey?" and you just nod as vape smoke leaks out of your nostrils...
Fasten Your Deceit Belt
Welcome to Moral High Ground, population: you. Wow, so that's your real weight on your driver's license?
Nobody To Codepend On
Marriage as a mental health cure? Um...some states require a blood test before you marry; none tests to make sure you aren't cuckoo for more than Cocoa Puffs...
For Bitter Or For Worse
Perhaps, deep down, you buy into the Puritan Work Ethic approach to relationships: the idea that a “real” adult relationship means spending a lifetime slaving away in the hot fields of couples counseling, and trying everything from tantric yoga to Kama Sutra Pilates to relocate that lost spark...
Preying For Keeps
Ideally, the seduction process should rev up desire in a man, not simulate the experience of a beetle being chased by an entomologist with a giant straight pin.