There's much that stinks at the gym, and much of it's the behavior of gym patrons, and sometimes the people running the place. Tell me about the boors at yours.
Wow. I must be a perve. I just left one on "public transportation" about someone I dubbed Boner Man. Now I am here to talk about Vagina Lady.
VL is in her mid-70s. She is very nice. And she is very dedicated to the art of dressing in 80s style exercise attire. Her standard gym outfit includes: flesh-colored legging that result in her looking like she has no leggings on (for a good 6 months I thought were her plain bare legs and I wanted to know who her dermatologist was b/c when I'm 70 I want him to take care of any veins or sun spots on my body); a leotard; white ankle socks; white tennis shoes; golden blond hair that is perfectly set; possibly a sweatshirt that reveals a shoulder.
She is quite the visage and all the old men swoon over her with their man boobs sagging in a visually assaulting way beneath their tank tops - which are also excellent for showing off your lush jungle of back hair.
VL will stretch for a good 45 minutes per work out, which she divvies up into little 10-15 minute stretching sessions. Old people have a lot of time to work out, you see, and it's important to be limber.
She will streetttcchh her legs over her head. She will beennndd down to her toes and hold that pose. The woman's fuckin' Gumbi as far as I'm concerned - props to her - BUT. The combination of tight, layered synthetic materials ultimately results in an unsightly, disproportionately large camel toe. Her various stretches and elaborated moves on the weight machines give everyone a full view of the outline of her vagina.
Thus. Vagina Lady. Creative, ja?
Posted by: Gretchen
at September 1, 2010 7:48 PM
Thank you for that visual, Gretchen. I'm LMAO.
Posted by: Ann
at September 1, 2010 10:08 PM
"That Guy" seems to be at each and every gym in which I've ever exercised.
"That Guy" exhales explosively and grunts loudly during every repetition of whatever exercise he does. You know he's around when you hear "URRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!" over and over again. One would think he was perfecting his "grizzly bear performing a difficult bowel movement" impression.
"That Guy" finds it necessary to drop weights on the ground after the conclusion of his set. The eardrum-jangling THUD is meant to let you know how HUGE AND STRONG he is, because he's lifting weights so heavy that no human being can hold onto them. "That Guy" doesn't care if he startles everyone else, and also doesn't heed the fact that he's abusing the gear that everyone else needs to use. "That Guy" doesn't even care that his poor form is going to injure him at some point.
Note to "That Guy" - grunting loudly and dropping weights won't make you stronger, but it will certainly make you more douche-baggier. Nobody's impressed by you.
Posted by: Marc
at September 2, 2010 1:31 AM
I understand I'm in a locker room and there will be nudity, but there is no need for you to walk from the shower to your locker with your towel slung over your shoulder as your drip everywhere. Or brush your teeth naked. Or sit your huge, naked ass on the bench. And my favorite the naked lady who lotions herself up and feels the need to take a very wide stance with one leg up on a bench so her vagina is on display for everyone. Is it that hard to put your underpants on first? And the fatter and grosser they are the more naked they are.
Posted by: Fink-Nottle
at September 3, 2010 6:21 PM
I used to work out at the local community rec center, which has quite a nice cardio/weight room; however, there are a limited number of machines, and there are two rules that are posted in numerous places around the room: One set of no more than 18 reps per machine, and go in the posted order around the room for the weight machines. I swear that in the 12 months or so I tried to stick it out there, no one besides myself and maybe one or two other people followed these rules.
Everyone went in random order, or hogged various machines. "That Guy" tended to be one of the most grievous offenders, but it applied to pretty much everyone. I almost got into an altercation with one girl who decided she was going to hop over to the machine I just got on, and then proceeded to accuse me of cutting in front of her.
Shortly after that, I decided to join the Y, and while there are always rude folks at the gym, I've noticed a much lower proportion of them at the Y versus the rec center. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that a membership at the Y is $40/month, as opposed to $10, or the distinctly Christian principles espoused by the YMCA, but I've had a much better experience there than the local government-run rec center.
Posted by: Meg
at September 7, 2010 3:30 AM
The folks who think they don't sweat (I don't have to clean the machines), who are in a hurry (don't have time to clean the machines), who must have a concierge membership at my Y (don't have to clean the machines).
Let me clear things up for you. I pay the same per month as you, I do sweat, and I do have other things to do.
Bring a hand towel from home to wipe yourself off when you sweat. They have them at Tar-jay if you want me to pick one up for you.
Grab one of the small gym towels at the counter to wipe off the machines. Use the spray bottles (they're those things hanging on pretty much EVERY MACHINE).
Posted by: DrCos
at September 8, 2010 5:56 PM
Any male who uses the Gold's Gym on Brannan in San Francisco can see men having sex with each other in the steam room. Or so I am told. If Gold's were a gay sex club that would be OK-ish, but it's not. And don't get me started about the Gold's on Castro St.
As a female I didn't have this problem - apparently lesbians don't screw at the gym - but every straight male friend of mine has said this about not just Gold's but other gyms in San Fran. They get cruised, stared at, and of course I just want to say to them, "Now you know how it feels."
But being forced to watch strangers have sex in a place that's not intended for same? Very, very rude.
Posted by: vi
at September 8, 2010 6:41 PM
The girl (usually) who decides to use to only weight machine of its kind as a place to sit and talk on her cell phone.
Posted by: VF
at September 8, 2010 8:12 PM
Vi mentioned the steam room.
It is presumed that when you come into the steam room, you'll be showered and at some state of undress. I've seen people walk in wearing street clothes, including shoes, tracking dirt. Also, those who wish to use the steam room for their personal hygiene, including shaving and exfoliating.
Posted by: Patrick
at October 18, 2010 1:30 PM
Two for this topic.
There are some people who put LOTS and LOTS of weight (plates) on the machines at my gym. Now some of them will leave them there while they do a set on another machine and come back (making a circut). However, many people leave 4 or more 45# plates on a machine, plus all sorts of little ones.
Now, on some machines, I can lift a lot. However, on lots of machines (upper body) this small woman doesn't want a lot of weight. I get a workout in JUST by putting back all those extra weights. The kicker, there are signs EVERYWHERE saying you have to put them back and if you get caught NOT putting them back, your membership will be revoked!
The second one is a 1-time story.
I was on the elliptical at a moderately busy time. I had my headphones on and was watching something on the TV. Two "big macho" guys get one, one on either side of me, and while going at a snail's pace, start shouting a conversation across me.
I couldn't hear the sound from my headphones over them, so I switched off the TV sound and put on my music REALLY loud and tried to ignore their innane conversation about, "Yeah, that movie was fuuunny."
After a couple minutes, one of these idiots notices there's a human being they've been shouting at (me). Well, apparently this barely-moving pace had the testosterone going because instead of, "Oh! You know we're being pretty loud, sorry if we bothered you," or something similar, this guy starts trying to talk to me like he's flirting.
Yup, the louder of the guys leans towards me (practically falling off his machine) and starts shouting, "My friend here is pretty rude. He shouldn't have been talking over you like that. I'm sorry he's such a clod."
Now, what could I possibly say to that?? These guys are twice my height and I'm exhausted while they're not even warmed up. The witty retort doesn't look smart. No matter that I want to smack him and say he is just as rude and if I really wanted a conversation, I wouldn't be running at a huffing pace.
I ignored him, like I couldn't see or hear him. I also went faster. After repeating his line LOUDER, his mate chimes in, laughing, "Dude, she can't hear you. She's in the *ZONE*. She doesn't even know you're *THERE*." He continues laughing while the other guy starts going on (again, loudly) that of course she doesn't see me, otherwise she'd be talking to me.
My workout ended and I decided to do my cool-down somewhere else.
Posted by: Anon
at January 3, 2012 2:32 PM
Hey, fellow gym students, I am allergic to your perfume. I am allergic to your overly-scented hairspray. And I am really allergic to the combination of both in an enclosed space. I understand that you feel it is important to smell nice as you leave the building or go on to your last class (Gym is the next to last period for me), but could you please not spray your against gym-regulation perfume? Or could you not use enough to cover the freaking school? Some of us actually want to stay in shape.
Posted by: Katie
at October 1, 2012 9:11 AM
Nothin' wrong with a lil camel toe showing!
Posted by: Awkward Camel Toe
at December 28, 2012 6:55 AM
Is a stop sign red or blue? (required):