The doctor I’m dating routinely multitasks at work, but I find it rude when she does it in our relationship. When we’re on the phone late at night, she’ll be doing three other things simultaneously. When I finally said something, she told me she purposely does this because she's scared of loving somebody too much. This, however, doesn’t stop her from calling to have me tell her how much I love her. But, how can I tell she’s even interested in me when she’s talking to me while e-mailing and watching a documentary? I'm not ready to give up on her, as I believe we could have a loving relationship, but I need some love and attention, too.
--Boyfriend Comes Last
I can just see her at work: Some poor old guy is flatlining, and she's on her cellphone making a hair appointment while crawling around on her hands and knees looking for the back of her earring. "Hang in there, Mr. Jones, I just have to see if the colorist is in on Wednesday."
And there you are, all “emotionally available,” spilling your guts to her over the phone: “I was a loser as a child, and my hamster was my only friend, and then the fat little neighbor girl sat on him.” All you’re looking for is a bit of empathy on the other end of the line -- preferably something a little more heartfelt and personal than “YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”
There was a right time to say, “Hey, why don’t you call me back when you aren’t busy?” and it was the first time you caught her typing, watching seals getting it on, and playing “Greensleeves” on the harp with her toes. But, because you didn’t put your foot down then, and are still only flirting with putting it down now, the power balance in this relationship is probably blown. Your first clue? How freely she tossed off her howler of an excuse that she’s not rude, just “scared of loving somebody too much.” (Where does she get her lines, out of the recycling bin over at the “Guiding Light”?)
What you’re working hard to spin as human frailty is actually a more solid substance -- the kind you get rid of by hiring a bunch of cowhands and passing out shovels. But, but…maybe she’s sincere! Maybe she is -- if her condition also prevents her from joining you at fine restaurants unless she can knit, pay her bills, and invite the busboys to pull up a chair so the conversation won’t get too personal. Funny, though, how she’s never too busy to hear how much you love her. Lemme guess…that’s the one time you have her undivided attention?
Just like good things, bad things also come to those who wait. Go ahead, hang around, if you’re up for more of the same, like all those meaningful little glances over your shoulder at the TV. Yes, you can have a loving relationship -- providing you find a woman who’s actually loving to have it with. Telltale signs you’ve found such a woman include interest in who you are and what you’re doing, and concern for your feelings beyond making excuses in order to keep on hurting them. Maybe you’ll someday find another woman who makes you feel the way this one does. (Ignored, unimportant, uninteresting…used?) If you do, look back on all the fun you had sitting in the waiting room of this current girlfriend’s life. You should find yourself taking a pass on your next opportunity to work your way up a woman’s to-do list -- exciting as it must be to go from fourth place to third when the Ty-D-Bowl commercial comes on.
November 21, 2005
Last night, a man my age (44) asked me if I know any single women in their 20s. He explained he’d be happy to casually date a woman our age, but he’s seeking a relationship with a younger woman because he wants kids. But even beyond the kids issue, I know many women over 40 who rarely get to date. How many guys can you name who date older women, apart from Ashton Kutcher? Why do women always have to date much older men? Until my divorce four years ago, I had no idea age was such an issue for men. Why can’t they see that we older women have our charms, too?
--Mature and Mad
When you see some rich old geezer with some hot young thing, don't kid yourself; the girl isn't going to tell you, "I tremble with longing every time his hair plugs catch a glint of sun bouncing off his walker." Like all women, she’s on evolutionary autopilot, making a beeline for a “provider” -- regardless of whether she even wants kids. Think of it as a form of genetic math: Multiple mansions cancel out multiple chins. What’s a little thing like male pattern baldness when it’s driving around in a Ferrari?
Of course, women who want boyfriends apply Maybelline, not Mercedes. While, in a study I’ve mentioned before, women said they’d rather date an ugly businessman with a Rolex than a handsome man in a Burger King uniform, men overwhelmingly shoved aside the homely businesswoman for the hot hamburger helper. But, don’t blame them, their genes made them do it. Most inconveniently, women lack blinking LED screens on their foreheads indicating their level of genetic fitness, so men evolved to be attracted to youth and other physical characteristics that say “I’m fertile!” and “Your genes and mine – good to go for generations!” Think about it: If men evolved to be attracted to grandmas, and women to men who do bong hits and nap a lot, the human race would’ve died off before it ever got out of the cave.
It used to be that 44-year-old men could only stare after 22-year-old girls while piloting the wife and kids around in the minivan. Now, these guys are divorced, and tooling around in classic convertibles, and hey, it doesn’t hurt to try. Yes, this is depressing, but constantly snarling about it will only give you mouth wrinkles and the aura of a dour headmistress who makes dating feel like detention. There are guys out there who aren’t aspiring daddies, and who don’t want girlfriends for whom discussing current events means talking about what went down at prom. You won’t land them by trying to out-22 the 22-year-olds -- so don’t bother squeezing into a push-up bra if what you’re pushing up is mainly a lot of back fat.
What you might consider is compromising a little -- no, not by scanning the obits for dates, but by rethinking the standard, one-stop shopping approach to love, sex, and lifelong friendship. If you have friends, you have love in your life. If you want sex, you’re a woman -- just tell them where to line up. In other words, maybe you can have it all -- you just can’t have it all in one place. The irony is, by easing up on your demands, you’re more likely to have them met. In the meantime, vacationing with your best friend and hooking up with the cabana boy beats staying home and paying some doctor to inject your butt into your face.
November 10, 2005
Several months ago, my girlfriend, 22, told me her younger brother was dying from brain cancer. For a month, she couldn’t see me due to his many problems: a brain hemorrhage one week; the next week, he was going blind. Then, his immune system started failing and the slightest infection could kill him, so they had the house steam-cleaned, and she couldn’t see me in case I had a cold. For another month, she kept making excuses why we couldn’t get together, then she dumped me. Eventually, I learned her brother never had cancer. I’m very bitter and angry. After doing everything to be a good boyfriend, I was lied to horribly by a girl I loved. Where did I go wrong?
--Played For A Fool
If your ex had a mean streak any bigger, it would come with elected officials, a zip code, and a sewer system.
Yes, poor dear, you were the victim of a terrible emotional fraud, and by a twisted, thuggishly narcissistic woman who makes people who break up by text message (bye 4ever losr) seem like disaster relief volunteers. Let’s all pause for a moment of compassion. And now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, bend over because you’re about to get paddled.
There are those who always look for the best in people. “Despite everything, I still believe people are good at heart,” wrote Anne Frank. And then the Nazis dragged her off to death camp. It’s nice to be nice. It’s nice to believe other people are nice. It’s nicer still when they actually turn out to be nice. Okay, so nothing says “I love you” like a background check. But if you’re looking to find love, you can’t just cross your fingers and hope you won’t end up with somebody who has all the humanity of a tire iron.
Cockroaches scatter when you turn the lights on. Even cockroaches in lipgloss, barrettes, and a Hello Kitty T-shirt. But let’s get real: This girl didn’t go to bed one night a big, pink, hearts and flowers Hallmark bunny and wake up the next morning with a crunchy brown exoskeleton and six legs. There had to be signs -- even if she didn’t go all-out verminoid from the start, pulling the fire alarm in old folks’ homes or tripping brides on their way down the aisle.
People constantly tell you who they are. You just have to pay attention: “Hmm, that ‘look of love’ on her face is a ringer for a glare of contempt!” You order flowers for her. She orders you across a five-lane highway to retrieve her straw so she won’t smudge her lipstick sipping from her Coke can. Chances are she let you know, again and again, that the only reliable thing about her was her 18-hour mascara.
Just as going grocery shopping on an empty stomach will get you seeing way too much of the Keebler elves, there’s no worse time to girlfriend shop than when you’d do anything to have one. Just a guess, but that’s probably what got you thinking that being a good boyfriend is all it takes to make a good girlfriend out of a woman named Ebola. In the future, should you feel compelled to give a woman the benefit of the doubt, start with the doubt and work your way up from there. This doesn’t mean shining the bright light on everything from “a,” “an,” and “uh.” Just be sure you ask enough questions to tell a girl grifter who YOU are -- not one to fall for “Sometimes, in the CIA, a female operative is forced to make out with a guy to throw the foreign agents off her trail.”
