What would you think if your boyfriend asked you about a particular woman at a barbecue after you both left? He claimed he was just curious -- he'd seen her at my son's barbecue, and wondered how she knew the family -- but, of course, she's young, beautiful and half my age (I'm 53). In our four years together, he's gotten better about not visibly showing interest in other women, but I know he admires women, especially tall blondes. He's a big, sweet, good-looking guy, but doesn't have a house or much money, although he's a hard worker. I doubt he has the confidence to pursue hot women, but I can't help feeling worried.

What would I think if my boyfriend asked me about a particular woman at a barbecue? I'd just know he wanted to have a torrid affair with her. I'd think back to when he excused himself to use the bathroom, and decide he really went to call and reserve a motel room. I'd wait till we hit my driveway, pitch a screaming fit, claw off all his clothes, throw them on the lawn, light them on fire, bolt the door, make him sleep naked in the bushes, and then stay up all night praying he'd be gnawed to death by a family of hungry wolverines. You?

Of course, should I have an attack of sanity and rationality, I'd probably assume he noticed the girl because he's male, heterosexual, and not in a coma or dead. Chances are, your boyfriend is attracted to this chickie -- as he is to dozens of hot young things and a few still-warm middle-aged things he sees throughout his day. There are ways to prevent this sort of unauthorized lust: 1. Chain him to your living room media center for the rest of his natural life. 2. Only date men who are legally blind.

The truth is, beauty is eyeball-grabbing. I'm as straight as plate glass, and I ogle beautiful women. Straight guys sneak glances at Jude Law. Purty is purty. Meanwhile, on a Crimes Against The Relationship scale, your boyfriend merely asked you about this girl; he didn't ask her about her -- running after her and shouting, "Hey, Busty! How'dja like to go a coupla rounds with me in the back of Frank's Escalade?"

If you want to hang onto a man, by all means, turn your relationship into a tiny police state. Give him a list of places he can't go, and people he isn't allowed to have contact with; for example, "Never talk to any woman skinnier than I am." Yes, I get it: This particular woman's younger and hotter than you. Here's more bad news: With every passing year, more and more women will be younger and hotter than you. If your boyfriend wants to run off with one of them, there's nothing you can do. All you can do is keep up your "curb appeal," be confident about what you have to offer, and make your relationship someplace you both want to be. He seems to be making an effort, at least to look like he isn't looking. Let him have his secrets and you can have yours -- like, that the catalog of Victoria's doesn't actually come in the mail looking like a classified document: blacked-out pictures with only sizes and descriptions, an errant manicured hand or toe, and the return policy.

Six months ago, my first serious relationship ended. My ex, "Steve," and I attend the same college, but rarely communicate anymore. It's difficult, but for the best. The trouble is, my ex's new love interest seems intent on becoming my friend. She friended me on Facebook, started calling me on my cell (a number I never gave her), and inserts herself into plans with mutual friends. She always mentions random facts about me that I don't recall telling her, like, "Your parents have three dogs, right?" She compliments me then imitates what she compliments, like, "I love your highlights, can I have your stylist's number?" I want to tell her things tanked with my ex for a reason, and becoming my clone, or even my friend, isn't the best idea, but I'm uncomfortable discussing my ex with her and don't feel over him enough to be comfortable getting close to her. For some reason, I've been too proud to share this with her. Yet, on my more charitable days, she seems sweet, and I don't want to hurt her feelings. What boundaries are reasonable to set up?

When he looks deeply into the limpid pools of her eyes, does he say, "Baby, have I ever told you...my ex-girlfriend's parents have three dogs?"

Sure, that factoid could've flown out in casual conversation, but it isn't just that factoid or others like it. It's the combo platter of stuff -- from friending you on Facebook to digging up your cell number to hijacking your hairdo -- that makes this feel like a hostile takeover in the form of a girl-crush. Okay, she "seems sweet." You know what they say: You catch more flies with honey. But, ask yourself this: How do you feel about being the fly? Go ahead and answer -- if you don't have to run off to have a latte with her to discuss Steve's snoring.

Of course she wants to be in your life -- much like a deer tick wants to be in a dog. She's probably not evil, but suspects she's lacking in something he wants; something that might rub off on her if she spends enough time with you. She's taking advantage of a tendency women have, especially 20-something women, to feel they have to be "nice" to anyone who has yet to, oh, call them a slut and push them off the roof of the student center. But, make no mistake, you're not being nice. You're being intimidated into a "friendship" that probably keeps you from moving on. You just broke up with your ex, and now you have to break up with his new girlfriend, too?

Here's a transcript of what should be the extent of your relationship with this girl: "Hey, how's it going?" And then keep going. That probably doesn't seem "charitable," but I'm guessing you aren't wearing a Santa suit and a big white beard and ringing a bell outside Target. You owe yourself first and foremost. Figure out what works for you, and if something doesn't, don't let it in your life. Yes, it's that simple. That is, when you do it before somebody's all over you like eczema. Still, just because you've been slow to peel this girl off doesn't mean you owe her some humiliating explanation for why it's over between you. Just duck her, duck her calls and her e-mail. No matter how hard she presses, you're "busy." And then you're still busy. And you're busy still -- much as you'd luvvvv to pop by her plastic surgeon's office so he can make that plaster mold of your nose.

I recently ended a relationship, and over the past few weekends I've hit the singles bars. Typically, I do okay with women -- just not in this scene. Each time, I managed to get a few numbers, but any woman I call never calls back. Why do women give me their number if they don't want me to call?

Going out to a singles bar and asking a bunch of women for their phone numbers should prove a very productive experience -- if you're a movie star or a budding telemarketer: "Hey...how about a date Friday night, or if that doesn't work for you, can I interest you in an adjustable rate mortgage or a solar-powered grapefruit knife?"

Except maybe for Lamaze class or a family reunion, all the times and places you're supposed to pick up women -- Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights at hot bars and clubs - are the worst times and places to do it. There's no such thing as casual conversation, no pretending you just happened by to pick up a USB cable for Granny's computer. Women know exactly why you're there, and even though most of them are there to meet men, they're very much on guard -- leading men, especially drunk men on the make, to come at them with all the subtlety of big game hunting. In fact, you might as well go in in a safari jacket and pith helmet and try to spear one from behind.

As for the women who gave you their number but never called back, you're probably wondering why they didn't just blow you off on the spot: "Sorry, but I'm married, I'm gay, and I don't have a phone." Yes, that would've been easier -- easier for you. Women generally try to avoid confrontation, so they'll give you a phone number, only it's the number of the city dump. Or maybe they've had six gin and tonics, and they're too drunk to come up with a fake number, so they give you their real one, and deal with it later: "I'll change my number, I'll move...or maybe just turn off the lights and lay on the floor."

These same women might've picked up the phone -- had they met you at a newsstand, the motor vehicles bureau, or in some other less competitive environment. Sure, there might be another single guy or two around, but most of the patrons will be there for a newspaper or a new license, not because they haven't had sex since the first George Bush was president. It turns out there's such a thing as too much choice, and the bar/club scene is rife with it. Studies show that when people have lots of options they tend to choose poorly and regret their choice afterward. Or maybe they don't choose at all, thanks to "anticipated regret," which psych professor Barry Schwartz writes in The Paradox of Choice produces "not just dissatisfaction but paralysis." So, some girl you chatted up is sitting there pondering, "Should I or shouldn't I?" And maybe the easiest answer is just not to answer the phone.

Now, bars aren't totally off-limits for meeting women. Just go on off-nights like Monday or Tuesday, right after work, when you have plausible deniability (you're just there to unwind, really you are). The vibe's relaxed, there's no shouting over loud music, and you can strike up a casual conversation and actually connect with a woman -- showing her what a great guy you are without holding her hair back while she throws up in the alley.

I've been an out lesbian for several years and am only attracted to women. A close male friend recently confessed his feelings for me. I've known him for years, and we connect in a way I've never connected with anybody. If he were a woman, I'd consider him my soul mate. If only I could somehow make myself bisexual. I love him, but have no desire for mutual pants-less-ness. In fact, the idea of sleeping with him grosses me out. Does no sex have to mean no relationship? Lots of hetero women have low sex drives, and lots are married! Should I give a relationship a try, but mandate that pants must be worn at all times?

Picture your situation as an episode of "Fear Factor." Host Joe Rogan turns to you and says, "Okay, missy, it's time...strip down to your bra and panties and lie in bed with your soul mate!" You freeze and whisper to Rogan, "Is it too late to take the night in the body bag with giant hissing cockroaches, flesh-eating worms, crickets and stink beetles?"

It seems you're a lesbian, not a "lesbian" who takes vacations -- hopping the ferry from the Isle of Lesbos to the mainland for the occasional hetero holiday. But, hey, why let that stop you from getting into a relationship with a straight guy? After all, as you point out, lots of hetero women have low sex drives, and lots of them are married (ideally, to men who also have low sex drives). The question is, do YOU have a low sex drive? Or, better yet, a nonexistent one? Does he? If not, you can announce that there will be none of that "mutual pants-less-ness," and he could be nodding like a bobblehead, but consciously or subconsciously, he'll be thinking, "Nah, I'll get there. Just a matter of time." It isn't a malevolent thing, just how guys are wired. Little by little, he'll work on wearing you down: "We'll just watch a movie on the couch." "Just take off your shirt." "Just take off your sports bra."

So you have "feelings" for the guy; I mean, in addition to finding him sexually repellant. You've known him forever, you have this amazing connection...why not add a whole new level to your relationship? No, not sex -- bitterness and resentment, after he's hurt that you won't just try a little ride or two, and you're hurt that he just won't stop trying. But, if only he were a woman! If only you were bi! -- as if bisexuals are the garbage dump of sexuality, attracted to anyone, as long as they're a man or a woman. Go ahead, keep wishing, but it won't change the fact that the partner for you doesn't have a hairy chest and a big package (except, perhaps, on Tuesdays at 8 p.m. at the drag king show at GirlBar).

So, what happened? Tough times in lesbotown with the last few girlfriends? As hard as it is to find somebody you connect with on all the important levels, you can't settle for somebody you connect with on almost all the important levels. Be this guy's friend by making him aware of how utterly nuts it would be for you to be his girlfriend. Be kind, but hit hard enough to knock the illusions out of his head: "Nothing personal, but my idea of an intense night in bed with the man I love is a heated political debate yelled between the top bunk and the bottom."