My boyfriend of a year is wonderful, intelligent, kind, and hilarious. He told me he'd never been in love until meeting me, and while he'd had more sex partners than he'd like to admit, before me, it was all meaningless. Then, yesterday, I read an article about a prostitution ring, and asked how prostitutes can advertise without getting arrested. He explained how escort services work -- with a little too much expertise. I asked if he'd ever paid for sex. He admitted he had, then let loose, saying he'd done it five times over several years; most recently, six years ago. He said it's more common than people think, and like paying for a couple dates. He added that it was a time in his life when he was avoiding relationships, and considering the emotional cost of one, it was worth the price. Now, I'm finding myself repulsed by a man who, only yesterday, seemed so amazing. Help!

Clearly, honesty is the second-best policy, right behind leaping up to get one's jaw wired shut when one is tempted to take a little trip down memory lane -- to the corner of it, anyway -- and tell the girlfriend about the good old days, back when $20 still bought you somebody.

Your boyfriend apparently got so wrapped up in reminiscing that he forgot to check your face for a look of horror -- his cue to start an Olympic-style backpedal: "...and I took one look at that skanky ho, sped home, made hot cocoa, and read the collected Beatrix Potter!" Actually, he probably wasn't scoring drive-by sex from whichever meth-head in hotpants was working the alley; he most likely found a number in the paper or on a website for an escort -- essentially a gold digger with an advertising budget.

Retired escort-turned-author Amanda Brooks explains the difference in The Internet Escort's Handbook, Book 1: "If you are selling your time, undivided attention, and the (unspoken) offer of sexual entertainment, you're an escort. If you're selling a specific sexual activity for a certain amount of money, you're a prostitute. If you won't have sex with the man you're dating unless he buys you an expensive dinner, you're a (relatively cheap) prostitute."

The truth is, to a guy, a hooker isn't all that different from a hookup. Men can have sex without knowing where a woman grew up, what her sign is, and all the ways her cat is like a dog. Men ask about that stuff because women typically require some emotional connection before they'll get it on. But, unless a guy's seeking something girlfriend-y, all he really needs to know is: Is she hot, free around 8, and will she take the credit card he gets frequent flyer miles on?

Society and religion say it's wrong to pay for sex, but maybe it's worse to do what a lot of guys do: fool girls into thinking they're up for commitment when they only want to use 'em and lose 'em. Your boyfriend, on the other hand, was honest. He had a need, and he paid to fill it: Cash and Carrie (and Candeee, Tifani, and Jazmin, too)! It's natural that you'd feel threatened. Throughout history, women have made men pay for sex with commitment. If strings-free sexcapades are so readily available to your boyfriend, what hold could you possibly have? Well, just read your words above. Your boyfriend's sex acts six years back don't seem to impact how he lives today, except maybe in how grateful he is for the happy ending -- the kind a guy just can't buy, no matter how many hundreds he stacks on the dresser.

How successful are relationships where the woman is much older? I'm a 21-year-old guy with a 38-year-old girlfriend. I'm frequently hit on and teased by her female friends. They don't seem interested in me as a person but want a younger guy for sex. Being referred to as "the toy" is getting old.

Age difference? What age difference? Meanwhile, your girlfriend isn't sure whether to offer you a cigarette after sex or a plate of animal crackers. It's the rare 21-year-old who has much to tell a 38-year-old, beyond "Your shoulder's putting my arm to sleep." Sure, there are older-younger relationships that work, but you two don't have a relationship; you have playdates. How do I know? Because friends don't hit on friends' boyfriends so easily. Yeah, it happens. But, when it happens with frequency, it's a sign of how your partner feels -- and talks -- about you. If you want a relationship, that's what you should have. Just find some sweet girl closer to your own age; in other words, somebody more likely to draw hearts around your name than straws to see who's next in line to play with her toy.

I've often had a woman sit across from me on some form of a date and tell me she just broke up with her boyfriend and isn't interested in getting involved. That's usually followed by how she's too busy with work, lacks the emotional energy for a relationship, etc. This time, the woman was on our charity bike ride planning committee. I was testing the course, and she asked to ride with me. During our ride, she asked for biking tips. I gave her suggestions and said I'd e-mail her specifics (which I did). She thanked me and asked to do another ride with me. After that ride, she told me she'd just broken up and all the rest about how unready she was to get involved. So, why be out with me? Her response: Women can have male friends, and I'm a "safe" person to be with.

When a woman you aren't in a relationship with says you make her feel "safe," think back a few minutes. Unless you just fended off a mountain lion or helped her escape from a terrorist compound, she's probably thanking you for helping her escape any chance of ever having to have sex with you.

You didn't ask this woman on a date; you found yourself on "some form of a date," which sounds like some form of a pattern for you. If it is, it's probably because you're too wimpy to ask a woman out, at least on what would sound to her like an actual boy-likes-girl evening. Maybe you hope if you just hang around her life long enough, you'll graduate from loiterer to boyfriend. Instead of dates, you have schemes to keep her on the hook: acting as her tour guide, e-mailing her a book report on how to be a better biker, and...what's that? She's not ready for a relationship...but would you mind emptying the litter box and reshingling the garage on your way out?

Of course, you and ten thousand other wimpy guys are now screaming, "What could possibly be wrong with going on a bike ride with a woman?" And yeah, she asked. And wasn't it sweet of you to type up all those bike tips? No, it was not. Sweet is bringing the little old widow next door a bowl of soup. If I'm right about you, you put out for women you barely know (in goods and services, anyway), not because you're a wonderful person, but because you want something in return -- girlfriendly attention. In other words, you're a male prostitute -- just without the sex.

A guy generally does this because he feels like too big a loser to be enough of a draw on his own, just over drinks. Women sense this, and drop-kick him into the friend (or friendly eunuch with bike tools) zone fast, when he otherwise might've had a chance. In this case, for example, things might've turned out differently if you'd invited the woman for a post-ride drink. In the future, if you're at all interested in a woman, ask her out; don't ask how you can help her out. Instead of giving in to your fear of rejection, seek rejection -- the sooner the better. Not only will this keep you from wasting your time, the longer you wait to ask a woman on a date, the less likely she is to go out with you -- which doesn't necessarily mean she'll stop seeing you. (Little Bo Peep has lost all her..."emotional energy for a relationship," and she'd really appreciate it if you'd round up her sheep so she can save her physical energy for the guy she does have a date with.)

I read your column, so I get that men are visual creatures. But, I'm wondering, when is it okay for a woman to be jealous over her boyfriend looking at other women?

There are men who make you feel like the only woman in the world and men who make you feel like the only thing standing between them and a clear view of some other woman's jigglies. Lynne Truss, in her book on manners, Talk to the Hand, writes that "manners are based on an ideal of empathy, of imagining the impact of one's own actions on others." In other words, while all men look, rude men let themselves get caught. So, the question really isn't when to be jealous, but when to be on your way. The responsibility here is yours: to choose the guy who'll take the occasional visual freebie that crosses his path, but lose the guy whose body language says he'd trade you to passing Bedouins for five minutes with her...and he'll just duck out to the parking lot to see if there are any men looking for parking spaces for their camels.

I'm 34; my husband of a year is 28. We didn't live together or have sex before marrying because I have a child and didn't feel this was appropriate behavior to model. We did discuss sex to figure out whether we'd be sexually compatible. He was fairly inexperienced, but sex is now all he wants and talks about, and he's constantly groping me. I enjoy sex and am fine having it every other day, but it's starting to seem like the only way he can relate to me. I'd appreciate occasionally hearing I look nice without him adding that he'd like to have sex with me right then and there. Yesterday, I even feigned illness so he'd give me a break. He said he hoped I'd feel better soon -- then blurted out what he'd do to me when I did! No matter how gently I ask him to back off a bit, he gets hurt and says he doesn't understand what he's doing wrong. He's very good to me, tries to make me happy, and even sits through the ballet with me, although I'm sure he loathes it. I'd just like to give him a hug without it turning into sex.

The guy really knows how to romance a woman -- the kind you pull out of a bag and inflate.

Good thing you two "discussed" sex before signing a contract to spend the rest of your lives together: "Orgasms? All for 'em!" "Wow...me, too!" Consider yourself lucky that you aren't even more sexually incompatible. As for your reason for abstaining, that sex before marriage isn't "appropriate behavior to model" for your kid, come on. What happens in Motel 6 stays in Motel 6 -- providing you don't sit Junior down for a little chat about your sex life: "Mommy always stops at third base so you won't drop out of school and end up turning tricks for crack."

It seems your husband's never had to finesse sex out of a woman and sees no reason to start trying now. This isn't to say he's a bad guy. After all, he goes to the ballet with you, which suggests he's either trying really hard to please or he never quite recovered from that head injury. Like many men, he makes the mistake of only hugging, kissing, and touching when he wants some. But, like many women, you need to feel connected emotionally to feel good about going at it. No, you two didn't have sex before marriage, but you're not likely to continue having it long afterward if he keeps confusing seduction with feeling up livestock at auction -- grabbing your udders to see if you're a good milker.

It's up to you to get through to him. But, don't wait until a moment of conflict, like when you get sick and he feels bad, then makes you feel worse when he expresses it: "Oh, please don't die and leave me here all horny." Take him out to dinner -- someplace with a big long table between you. Don't criticize him; as you've seen, it's a poor motivator for him and probably most men. Praise him for all the ways he's great in bed, and tell him the little things he could do to turn you on even more. Keep telling him until he finally gets it -- that when you daydream about the way he makes you feel, it's best that it doesn't have a whole lot in common with walking past a construction site in a really short skirt on your way to be groped on the subway.

You helped me exit a bad relationship with an extremely sexy but not-so-nice woman. I've started dating a very nice woman, but she's about 40 pounds overweight, and I'm not getting aroused. We've tried sleeping together several times, but I cannot stay...well, you know, serviceable. Where do I go from here?

Your body is trying to tell you something: "I don't care how sweet she is compared to the last girl, we're not going in there." And don't think you're doing her any favors, either. There are those men who are hot for the meatier ladies. She might be in the company of one of them if she wasn't waiting around for your limp biscuit to rise. What is this, penance for dating a woman you actually found attractive, at least on the outside? We all have minimum standards for looks, personality, and character, and it's kindest to refrain from getting involved with anyone who doesn't meet yours. As much as you might want to want fat and sassy, if you're hot for "welcome to the dark side" with a figure like a paper cut, all you're ever going to be screaming in bed is "I swear this never happens."

My first wife and I married in our early 20s and broke up several years later. When we were married, she had very short hair, even though I wanted her to grow it long. She was not only adamant about keeping it short; she claimed she couldn't get it past "the awkward stage." Also, she'd always bite her nails, a habit that annoyed me. I've been happily married to my second wife for 10 years, but I can't help but be surprised that my ex, who I've seen a few times in passing, now has hair down to the middle of her back and really nice nails. Please note that I don't want her back; I just want to know why she wouldn't grow her hair and nails when we were together. Should I ask her?

"The awkward stage" is what you enter when you ring up your ex-wife and ask why she was such a nervous, nail-gnawing hag back when you were together.

Sometimes a hairstyle is just a hairstyle and not a coded message: "L'Oreal, because I'm worth it. Short hair and bitten nails? Because you're not." Maybe she was into a particular style, or maybe she thought she looked better with short hair. Of course, it is possible that the apparent foreverness of marriage made her figure you were stuck with her, so why spend all the extra time hot-oiling and blow-drying? You wanted eye candy? Too bad. You get eye broccoli.

Many women don't understand or accept how important the visuals are to men, thanks largely to the toxic feminism that's seeped into regular people's lives. While there are lipstick feminists out there, the prevailing message of the women's studies feministollahs is that male sexuality is criminal or close to it, and women degrade themselves by doing anything to appeal to their "patriarchal oppressors." As a result, women like your ex-wife may feel justified and maybe even virtuous for taking the lazy way out with the soccer mom hair cap and the all-you-can-eat fingernails.

Sure, Natalie Portman can shave her head and have even more men drooling after her. Of course, it's the rare man who'd throw her out of bed if she slipped in with a big rotten ham hock balanced on her skull. Men, across cultures, seem hard-wired to prefer long hair -- probably because it signals youth, health, and fertility. In a Hungarian study, women's faces that were rated as less attractive by men were judged much more attractive when the researchers stuck long hairstyles on the photos. Darwin noted the preference for long hair in the West African population (along with the earliest reported use of hair extensions), and in Survival of the Prettiest, psychologist Nancy Etcoff points to all the classic paintings of women with long, flowing tresses. Yes, it seems there's good reason you don't see Venus on the half shell with a really butch haircut.

If you truly are 10 years into a happy marriage, you might just accept that while hair and nails do not continue growing after death, they often grow like crazy after a divorce. Sure, Socrates did say the unexamined life is not worth living. Unfortunately, he was forced to off himself before he could add that the overly examined ex-wife is a great way to discover, for the second time, that women often change their hair after a breakup.

My boyfriend goes out drinking with friends into the wee hours. I just ask that he call or text to let me know his plans so I don't lie awake worrying. Sometimes, he'll text "Be home in an hour," but he never is. Or, he'll come home early in the morning and just say "It was guys' night." I'm not afraid he's macking on girls, but that he'll get into trouble or get hurt. How can I deal with this sanely?

Finally, a guy you can really count on -- to let you know he's okay when he stumbles through the front door at dawn and you hear the sound of glass breaking in your foyer. Is it unreasonable to want some sign he's still alive? Not at all. Just unreasonable to expect it from him. What if he's dead? Well, you won't get a phone call then, either. Not from him, anyway. Clearly, you pretty much stop existing for the guy until morning, after he sobers up at Taco Bell. Nagging won't change that. Threatening to leave or leaving might, but probably not for long. Either accept that he won't call or get out. As for your notion that he isn't macking on girls when he's out 'til sunup, it is possible that he just can't get enough of his hairy, drunken buddies: "Come on, Josh. We don't have to do anything. We can just lie there and cuddle."