I left my husband for a co-worker I was having an affair with, and accidentally got pregnant. He wasn't thrilled, but manned up and married me. Sex soon dried up. We haven't had it for two years! He never hugs me, never says he loves me. I kissed him and he recoiled, saying I was "in his space." I asked why he married me. He said, "I never wanted to or to be a father, but now I have to deal with both." I know he isn't cheating (I always know where he is). I told him he was setting me up for an affair. He said, "Do what you need to do." I started sleeping with my ex-husband -- until his wife found out. My girlfriends say I should leave, that children are resilient, but I'm almost 40, and my 5-year-old son adores his father. We don't fight, but we don't talk, either, and he won't do anything with me unless our son's involved. I'm trying not to get jealous over their relationship.

This little boy isn't in your lives because you walked out on the porch one day as a stork in a UPS outfit was dropping him off in a basket: "Gotta sign for this kid, lady. And I think he needs his diaper changed. And soccer camp, a pricey math tutor, and a college education."

Since you aren't 11 and sneaking cigarettes behind the elementary school dumpster when you should be in sex ed, you know very well what happens when Mr. Sperm and Miss Egg have a meet 'n greet. If you really, really want to prevent it, you get an IUD and bring in ye olde latex windsock for backup. But, I'm guessing you gambled that having a kid would move your relationship to the next level. And lookie here, it did: into bitterness, envy, and resentment. Your husband's paying bigtime for his own cavalier approach to birth control: the unspoken understanding that he was up for a few hot minutes in the office supply closet, not 21 years in a suburban tract home in a pretty good school system.

Terribly sorry you aren't getting any, and that it's awful chilly in there, but it isn't like you bought a new purse that didn't quite have the pockets you need. Your right to be all about you ended the day another human being came out of your body. Those so-called "resilient" children of parents who've split up have the worst outcomes across the board -- in everything from school performance to emotional stability to their own relationships as adults. Unless your home life is so ugly that your kid would be better off if you divorced, you and Frosty need to "do what you need to do" to make this work the best you can.

Although he was as big a boob as you were about birth control, your best chance of thawing him a little is expressing remorse for sucking him into this situation. Give him props for what a great dad he's been, and ask him to team up with you to do right by your kid. This isn't about getting him from "you're in my space" to "you're the light of my life," but getting him to a couples therapist so you can figure out how to be a couple of loving (or at least friendly) roommates raising a kid together. This kid, like all kids, deserves a fairytale childhood: parents who make him believe he was born because Mommy and Daddy loved each other sooo much!...not because they were all "Gee whiz, we had no idea that could happen from a toilet seat!"

I've been on and off all year with a guy who'd just ended a 10-year relationship. He always acted skittish about getting attached. After two months apart, we started seeing each other again last week. He's suddenly saying stuff like "I just want to hold you." Is this a sign he wants a serious relationship?

A Florida woman sold her grilled cheese sandwich on eBay for $28,000 after spotting the Virgin Mary on it -- well, how the Virgin Mary might look as played by Charlize Theron in a trench coat and a finger wave. People manage to see whatever's meaningful to them, whatever tells the story that makes them feel good. You, for example, have a week of "I just want to hold you," and never mind that year of "I just want to hold you at arm's length." Yank off your hope-colored glasses, and let time tell you what's what: whether he spent two months thinking about what you mean to him -- or two seconds coming up with a cuddly spin on "With this much tequila in me, you'll be lucky to get a firm hug."

My girlfriend of a year is 21, and I'm 22. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her, but there are issues. She has money problems, including $14,000 in credit card debt. Yet, she demanded I get a credit card, and when I refused, kicked me out and said we couldn't live together until I got one. But, I'm most disturbed about our night at a concert. She got really drunk, started arguing with some hippie girls, and ran off. I tried to follow, but she'd disappeared, and doesn't have a cell. I was really worried, looked all over town, and finally went to bed at 3 a.m., feeling helpless. The next day, as I was leaving to look again, the hospital called. Some Mormons brought her in after finding her passed out in the bushes. She accused me of not caring, saying she would've stayed up looking for me. Her parents blame me for her drinking, and said I'm a bad boyfriend because I wasn't there when she needed me, sleeping instead of continuing to search. Meanwhile, the last time she got drunk and disappeared, she was making out with a guy I used to work with. This is my first long-term relationship, and I need to know, who's the whack one in the concert situation: me or her?

As looking for love in all the wrong places goes, looking till you find it passed out in the highway underbrush, drooling on a squashed Pringles can and missing a shoe, pretty much tops the list.

This girl doesn't need a boyfriend; she needs a search party with tracking dogs -- just in case the Mormons take a night off from combing the bushes for drunks. Unless you've left out some bit about tying your girlfriend up and forcing Jack and Cokes down her throat, the one to blame here would be the party who's doing all the partying. Next in line is the party that failed to teach their little partier any sense of personal responsibility, then failed to pick her up by the scruff of the neck and drop her in rehab. Instead, they tell you it's all your fault. Right. Are you in a relationship or a scavenger hunt? You're apparently expected to go door-to-door at 3 a.m.: "Sorry for waking you, Ma'am, but I need a cup of colored sprinkles, three mothballs, one tanked, belligerent girlfriend, and $14,000 to pay off her credit card debt."

What's missing from this picture? (Besides about eight hours of her consciousness and her right shoe?) That would be any sense of remorse on her part for the worry, lost sleep, and parental berating she put you through. Of course, you don't seem to require that -- or any sign she has even a passing interest in your welfare or happiness. And you really have to ask who's the whack one? Um, that would be you. And not because you went to bed at 3 a.m. the night she set out on her wobbly 10K, but because you've been sleeping through this entire relationship. Wake up, something's burning! (That's because you're in HELL.)

You need to do two things: Get out, and don't repeat this behavior. Well, actually, do look all over town for a woman -- one who shares your values and interests and makes your life better because you're with her. In other words, no, you don't just say "Wow, she's pretty!" and call it a day, or you're liable to end up with just another pretty face -- face down in the bushes.

I don't think I'll ever truly tolerate "the guy should always make the first move" deal you advocate, Amy. I know it works in many, if not most, cases, but I'm so bloody tired of this expectation that men take all the risks in dating.

You don't have to tolerate this, same as you don't have to tolerate paying your rent -- providing you're willing to tolerate living under a bridge. But, if you'd like a girlfriend while you still have teeth, you should stop whining about asking women out and just do it. This doesn't necessarily mean making the first move, but maybe the first overt move. Women often make the first move by flirting with men they like, signaling their interest in being asked out. It's a dance. It isn't fair or unfair; it's simply what works -- how we're hard-wired to behave after a million-plus years of evolution. Still, if this really doesn't work for you, there is another option: Drive through the seedy side of town and roll down your window, and you're sure to get offers. Of course, bringing one of these honeys home to mom and getting her back to the corner before she charges you time-and-a-half may be a challenge.

My boyfriend of six months revealed that he's never been faithful to anyone, not even his wife of 10 years, whom he cheated on constantly because he married too young and made himself stay for the kids. Once he divorced, about a year ago, he decided never to lie or cheat again. He said he wants a future with me, wants to be honest about everything, and if there's anything I want to know, I should just ask. I believe in loving someone unconditionally and without judgment, and I have a lot of respect for him for telling me the truth. I'm just not sure if the chance is worth taking: whether he'd be unfaithful and break my heart into a thousand pieces.

In a new relationship, any guy can put his best foot forward, but maybe it takes a guy who really loves you to put his worst foot forward: warning you that you could be waiting for the other shoe to drop -- off the side of some other girl's bed.

Of course, he could also be warning you so that if he does cheat, well, you were warned. Commendable as it is that he's resolved never to lie or cheat again, he's been divorced a year and seeing you for half that time. That's a seriously short stretch of never -- especially for a guy who's never been faithful to anyone (presumably, even running around on some pigtailed 14-year-old with the junior high school hussy). And while he talks a remorseful game, he still explains his marital infidelity with the howler "I did it for the children." Paternal sacrifice is admirable, but more so when working three jobs to keep a roof over the kiddies' heads is what a father's been doing -- and not a string of bar floozies.

While many are quick to blame their cheating on a bum relationship, there seems to be a cheater personality. As I wrote in my column "Charlotte's (Tangled) Web," researchers Todd Shackelford and David Buss found three personality traits common to people prone to getting some on the side. There's narcissism -- being self-absorbed, self-important, lacking in empathy, and predisposed to exploiting others. The other two are low conscientiousness and high "psychoticism," clinical terms for a personality marked by impulsivity, unreliability, and an inability to delay gratification. So...any of this seem familiar?

Clearly, the last thing you should be engaging in is "unconditional love." Sounds beautiful, but that's love minus discernment, which isn't love at all, but projectile sentimentality. Seeing whether he's turned over a new leaf takes ongoing discernment -- even beyond the two-year point. On average, that's how long the happiness high people get from marrying seems to last, according to social psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky. For you two, the hot new thing phase might end sooner or later, but this at least gives you some sort of marker to go by. You know, seasons change, leaves fall...panties drop?

It's a good thing and a bad thing, having your relationship front-loaded with news of his zipper management issues. For day-to-day peace of mind, you want "I wonder if he'll ever cheat" to maybe be a footnote on page 33 of your relationship story, not in bold type at the top of page one. On a positive note, you should be less likely to let monogamy slip into monotony. And, while most couples take for granted that both partners will be on their faithful best behavior, having this out in the open might help him focus on what really matters to him, and how he'll deal, should temptation slide its hotel room key down the bar.

Why do exes always make return appearances? My ex-wife showed up at my door one night after a crisis with her husband, and two ex-girlfriends came back for a fling. Most bafflingly, a girl I really fell for (who's now married) just texted me out of the blue.

People always want to make something out of patterns, which sometimes have meaning but often don't. If, whenever you eat a peanut, you blow up so big somebody tries to stencil Goodyear across your side, then attach a passenger cabin, it's wise to get checked out for a peanut allergy. But, just because four of your exes reappeared, you can't make pronouncements about exes in general. If this isn't a coincidence, you're either a pushover or a guy who doesn't end things ugly. (Or, maybe you have a peanut allergy.) These women probably feel they can count on you to mess around without messing things up with the man in their life. If you don't want late-night therapy calls, get caller ID. Beyond that, what's the downside? Sure, home invasions are alarming, but maybe complain when the perp's shoving a gun in your face, not pushed-up, half-naked cleavage.

I've been seeing a guy for six months. It's frustrating because I initiate our get-togethers, and he returns my calls but rarely calls me, and we've only been intimate a few times. He went away for five weeks, and because I missed him, I asked if he'd e-mail a photo, which he did. Well, absence makes the heart grow fonder, and I printed the photo, framed it, and placed it on my nightstand. Two weeks after he got back, he came over and noticed the photo, which I left out to see his reaction. He seemed really taken aback. The fact that he didn't leave, and we ended up having sex, gives me some comfort. But, I'm still worried about his response. Although we don't see each other regularly like most couples, I've got no reason to believe he's seeing someone else. But, we also haven't had "The Talk." Perhaps the photo was a good way to initiate it.

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, what would you say a restraining order will do?

Seeing the framed photo had to make this guy wonder...no, not what the children will look like, but where's this whack job hiding the rest of her obsession kit: the butt of that cigarette he smoked, the fork that once touched his lips, the steel door handle he pushed entering the hardware store? This is a guy you know about three shades better than the guy who makes your latte at Starbucks. Turning your nightstand into Shrine Of The Guy You're Kinda Sorta Seeing isn't clever or flattering, it's creepsville. Don't kid yourself that it's a good sign he stuck around to knock boots. For a guy, sex is like a bag of chips. If it's in arm's reach, he'll help himself to some.

There's an old line, "Chase a man until he catches you," meaning it's a woman's job to flirt, to let a guy know she's open to him asking her out. And while some guys will tell you they love when women chase them, men tend to devalue women they don't have to work to get. They might date you, and even get serious with you, but not necessarily because they're really into you, but because hey, you asked, and why not? To weed these guys out, never do the asking. The most forward sort of thing you should do is maybe tease a guy by leaning in and whispering that he's hot, then continuing on your way. That's his cue to chase you -- if he's interested enough -- as opposed to lying down to make it easier for you to drag him back to your lair.

This advice shouldn't be news to you because you e-mailed me about this guy six months ago, and I told you he didn't show enough initiative, and you should drop him. Perhaps I didn't make myself clear. That was "drop him," not "drop him off at the photo processing desk at CVS." You need to pull together a sense of self-worth. If you had it, you'd be looking for evidence a guy has feelings for you, not planting it in your bedroom. Consider this thing blown. Just as it's easy to creep somebody out but nearly impossible to uncreep them out, you probably can't make a guy want you after throwing yourself at him. In the future, if you love something, set it free. If it forgets about you until you call to ask it to dinner, have the self-respect to quick-quick put on a foreign accent and blurt out, "Hello, Mahatma? Your goat has been repaired and is ready for pickup."

A woman I was dating "couldn't handle a relationship," but we later became "friends with benefits," and ended up growing closer. I'm happy, but want our friendship to be like other friendships: have mutual friends, etc. However, she's "too embarrassed to explain our relationship to people." Last week, I told her it's important for me to feel included in the lives of people in my life. She acted offended and hasn't spoken to me since.

This girl made it clear how far she was willing to go with you -- all the way, just not all the way outside. You agreed to that, then got a glint in your eye and tried to upsell her. She again made it clear that she just wants the basic sex-only plan. It doesn't matter that having more is important to you. Extending yourself for what's important to your partner is relationship territory. That's territory you can get into -- that is, if you're up for the hard work required to find a woman who wants you to take her to fancy restaurants, meet all her friends, and bond with her cat before she'll be ready to use you for sex.