Woe Is Meow
I lost over 100 pounds. I'm really proud of my myself and my new body, so I post pix on Instagram. Disturbingly, I've got a few haters -- all women! -- who come at me saying I'm narcissistic, slutty, a showoff, etc. I thought women are supposed to support one another. How should I respond? Should I post fewer selfies?
--So Much For Sisterhood
Nothing lasts forever -- except middle school, which never ever ends. You'll be 85, and some biddy will be all "Look at that slut with the pink walker."
There actually seem to be sex differences in the content of social media meanness, according to research by psychology doctoral student Joy Wyckoff and her colleagues. In keeping with previous studies, they found that women online get comments knocking their physical appearance more often than men, whereas men more often get comments "derogating their status" and skills. (Additionally, in their study, it was women alone who got "derogated" for "promiscuity" -- a trigger for men's evolved fear of providing for a kid with some other dude's genes.)
These differences in who gets bashed for what -- appearance in women versus status and skills in men -- are right in line with the differences I often cite in male and female mating priorities. These evolved out of the differing potential costs from having sex. Because women can get pregnant and stuck with kids to feed, mate-seeking women are drawn to high-status men -- "men with the ability ... to provide resources," as the researchers put it.
They note that men, on the other hand, are "unconstrained" by any sort of "minimum obligatory parental investment" (that is, beyond the initial teaspoonful of sperm). This allows men to prioritize hotitude in prospective female partners -- which is to say, men's eyes make a beeline for boobs and butts, and never mind whether they're attached to the barista or the senior VP.
As for the ugliness you've been experiencing on social media, it's best understood as female-on-female psychological warfare. Chances are, these "haters" are looking to chill your enthusiasm to post hot bod selfies -- leading you to self-relocate lower on the mate competition totem pole. (I'm guessing nobody goes meangirl on your photo studies of inanimate objects or Cujo, your teacup Yorkie.)
Block the Cruellas. Nobody has a right to your attention or a seat on your social media platform. On a positive note, now that you've been schooled in the covert ways some compete, you should be quicker to identify and fend off female underhandedness -- on Instagram and beyond. (Nothing like women celebrating other women's achievements: "Way to go, girl! Who knew the walk of shame burnt so many calories?")
If you want appreciation and encouragement for your hard work and self improvement, go to men. Even your BFF might not be happy at your improved mating status.
The other thing to worry about is the female 'users': girls who want hot you around to pull in men that they can't. Alpha Joes wingman is probably better than what they can pull themselves.
Only male enemies drag each other down.
A woman's friends are too often like a bucket of crabs.
FIDO at January 2, 2019 7:03 AM
Learn to stop seeking the approval of strangers on the internet.
100 lbs is amazing. You worked very hard and should be proud of yourself.
That doesn't mean post a bunch of selfies and try to win the approval of people you don't know.
You made your body healthier and look and feel better. That is the reward!
Not having strangers say you look good and telling you "go girl."
they aren't going to make you happy. you have to make you happy.
Linny at January 2, 2019 9:10 AM
As a woman, I concur with Amy’s explanation about intersex competition inspiring some of this behavior. But how often is LW posting? There are ladies I get along with well in person whose online attention-seeking really startles me. I can’t imagine constantly posting selfies for strangers unless I was in the fitness industry or a model or public personality. I’m not a product that needs to be marketed.
There is no magic sisterhood support system, but if there was, LW might consider that she might actually be the one breaking the norms. The interwebs do not exist as a personal cheerleading squad for any of us. Expecting uncritical adoration is naive, if not narcissistic.
All this being said, what I’ve pictured in my head is someone who is posting pics of herself daily, not someone who puts up before-and-after shots once or twice a month. If she’s the latter, maybe it really is just the mean girls coming out.
ahw at January 3, 2019 10:22 AM
"I thought women are supposed to support one another."
Where in the world did you get this idea?
Even feminists, with a public charter message vowing to support "women", refuse if the woman doesn't conform to their ideas. Precisely.
Radwaste at January 3, 2019 6:29 PM
I almost agree with AHW, but it's the OP's own Instagram account. If others don't want to see it, quit looking. I'd be damned proud if I lost 100 pounds, and would love to have some new pics of my new self. It's hard enough to have it sink in that that is really you if you've been overweight for a while, so having some pictures to confirm it makes a lot of sense to me. I say post away, and let the naysayers be damned.
Peg Y at January 4, 2019 8:05 AM
Go to the gym or ask Amy for her push up routine and get some nicely toned arms.
Then upload pictures of yerself in a sleeveless dress to piss off those envious hags even more.
Sixclaws at January 5, 2019 10:20 AM
“Men give each other shit and don’t mean it. Women give each other compliments and don’t mean it.”
One of the most profound insights into human nature I have ever heard.
Chester White at January 5, 2019 10:51 AM
One of the points that no one (including Amy) has made is that in this age of "fat acceptance," "body positivity," and "healthy at any size" (the latter is simply a lie) is that there is now a vigorous campaign to attempt to reprogram men's tastes and insist that a woman is certainly beautiful, even at 350 pounds.
So, anyone who loses 100 pounds and is proud of her new looks is obviously a threat to this militant effort to persuade men that rolls of fat are now attractive. The feminists/fat-acceptancists need to shoot down any radical weight-loss as being a positive thing. So naturally, the claws came out at the suggestion that women with a bodyfat percentage below 30 are more attractive.
I don't believe this effort to force men to find obesity attractive will be successful. The more likely outcome is that it will produce a line of wimpy men under the control of domineering fat women who shame their men into telling themselves that they're attracted to their fat wives and who mentally flagellate themselves at the first hint of any desire for a slim, hot woman.
Amy's right. Block the evil, feminist fat bitches. Enjoy you new found hotness.
Patrick at January 5, 2019 12:08 PM
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