My roommate just found out her ex-fiance is terminally ill and is likely to pass away soon. Though they had a weird relationship, I can tell she's taking it pretty hard. I really want to be supportive, but I honestly don't know what to do or say around a grieving person. I'm worried about saying the wrong thing, especially because I'm really uncomfortable with grief. I told her I am here for her if she needs anything. What do you do and say for a person who's in such a terrible situation?
--Clueless
When we're around other people, especially other people who are upset, we tend to get uncomfortable with silences and rush to fill them with words. Unfortunately, not being Confucius or the Dalai Lama, we reach into our memory and pull out whichever condolence cliches are closest to the top, like, "Soon he'll be in a better place." (Where...an urn?)
Though we mere mortals tend to fail at profundities, we can do profoundly kind acts. What people who are suffering need at a time like this is compassion. Compassion gets confused with empathy (which a number of researchers define as "feeling with" a person). However, compassion is more than a feeling; it's empathy with an action plan: the motivation to try to alleviate another person's suffering.
There's a temptation to be vague in offering help -- "I'm here for you if you need anything" -- probably because it's hard to know what would help and also because you want to avoid offering the "wrong" thing. But what really count are your intentions. Consider that she has a lot of emotional weight on her now, and she probably doesn't have her usual energy for routine chores like making dinner, picking up her prescription, or washing her car. If you step in and do these, let her know it's about giving her a little help while she's struggling. It should mean a lot.
You're telling her she's not alone, but in a way that doesn't take poetic eloquence or attempts to cheer her up (because her sadness is uncomfortable for you). The reality is, 80 percent of success in amateur grief counseling is knowing better than to put the "fun" in funeral. The other 20 percent is just showing up -- with pizza and pot edibles.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
Months of quarantine have made FaceTime first dates the new thing. I've been chatting with a few guys on dating apps, and some of them have asked to schedule FaceTimes. Many of my friends have done it, but it still feels weird to me. Though my photos are right in my dating profile, talking with someone over video feels too revealing and not in a good way. Should I try it anyway, or should I wait until it's safe to meet in person?
--Resting Shy Face
When people advise that you shouldn't reveal too much on the first date, I think they're talking about your areolas.
There's a lot of important information you're missing when you're communicating without seeing someone's facial expressions. Zoologist Irenaus Eibl-Eibesfeldt, who studied human animals in addition to the kind with paws and tails, explained emotional expressions as "the grammar of social interaction." Facial expressions (as well as body language) give us a nuanced understanding of other people's feelings and intentions in the way punctuation marks shape how we understand a set of words (for example, "Want to eat, Grandma?" versus "Want to eat Grandma?").
In fact, people will often say one thing with their words (like, "Really, I'm fine"), but to get the whole of what they're expressing, you need to add the "pictures": the emotions they're displaying. For example, social psychologist Dacher Keltner, who researches emotional expressiveness, observes that "when a colleague shows signs of anger -- with tightened lips, furrowed brow, and slightly raised upper eyelid -- I learn that he or she is frustrated, is appraising the current interaction as unfair, will likely act antagonistically, and may feel a sense of righteous indignation."
Men, especially, have very visually driven sexuality, so if you won't FaceTime, you're probably at a disadvantage compared with women who will. Chances are your real fear is that a guy won't find you attractive. But if a guy's not that into your looks, a screen won't change that. Finding out where he stands as soon as possible could keep you from getting attached to somebody you'll ultimately have to pry yourself away from. On the the other hand, revealing more of yourself will make the right guy more interested. And yes, there are people who even get married without seeing each other's faces, but just in cultures where the marriage is conditioned on one's father giving the other's father 14 goats, five oxen, and a 1967 Subaru.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
August 19, 2020I think the guy I recently started dating might run in the same circles as my ex. (He's said a few things that led me to think that.) This terrifies me because I really do not like my ex and don't want there to be any overlap in our lives. I keep having nightmare scenarios play out in my head where I show up to the bar after my new guy's poker game and my ex is there. What can I do if this happens?
--Distressed
It helps to suddenly become British when you run into someone you dread seeing, because a posh British accent is ideal for conveying a polite greeting like: "What a surprise. I was sure someone would've poisoned you by now, or at least electrocuted you in the bathtub."
What doesn't help is ruminating on how you'll feel if you do see your ex. Unfortunately, our mind is not our BFF, and it has a habit of sending us off in directions that cause us needless suffering. For example, we are our own worst emotional fortunetellers, or in psychologists' terms, we are crap at "affective forecasting." ("Affect" is a fancy-schmancy researcher word for moods and emotions we experience.) Social psychologists Sarit Golub and Daniel Gilbert find that we tend to overestimate how bad some future event will make us feel. This overblown prediction of how miserable we'll be in the future serves to bum us out in the present. Accordingly, the researchers observe that "it may be" as the Stoic philosopher Seneca noted nearly 2 million years ago, "He who suffers before it is necessary suffers more than is necessary."
When the ex pops up in your head, instead of rerunning your usual social horror movies, recognize that you have what it takes to deal with whatever comes your way. After all, what's the worst thing that's likely to happen, an uncomfortable silence preceding an uncomfortable moment greeting each other? (This is rarely fatal.) Keep reminding yourself of this whenever dread arises, and though you might never become a pillar of chill, you should find your overall level of hysteria dialed down considerably.
Eventually, if your paths do cross, you should be able to stand there like it's no big deal, which suggests you are barely cognizant of his continued existence...in a way running outside and hiding between parked cars like it's a hostage crisis just can't.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I'm a 33-year-old bisexual female manager, and a co-worker seems to have an intense crush on me. She invites me out for drinks and buys me little gifts (a teddy bear, chocolates, flowers, a heart-shaped necklace). I make excuses to get out of drinks and show no enthusiasm for the gifts, but the more I don't show interest, the more obsessed she seems. How do I get her to stop without making it awkward?
--Disturbed
It's really uncomfortable when any conversation she has with you includes the breathy subtext: "I like your outfit. I'd like it even more if it were in a pile on the conference room floor."
It's possible she's experiencing limerence, a constant, obsessive romantic longing for another person that leads to often-smothering acts intended to get that person to reciprocate. Though limerence can seem like a form of love, love involves concern for the other's feelings and well-being. In limerence, the limerent person's target is a love object they're pursuing: the romantic obsession version of a dirty tennis ball a dog's chasing that never rolls to a stop.
However, there is a way out. Psychologists Albert Wakin and Duyen Vo explain that "limerence is sustained and fueled by uncertainty," which heightens the limerent person's hope as well as their cravings for emotional reciprocation from the object of their obsessive desire. They add that "the limerence reactions tend to dissipate in conditions where there is complete certainty," whether it's "absolute reciprocation or the other extreme of absolute rejection."
The kindest thing you can do (for yourself and for her) is help her give up hope -- immediately, lest Tacky Gift Mountain start growing a twin peak. Take her aside and say: "I just want to clear up any possible misunderstanding. I'm not interested in ANY relationship beyond being co-workers." If she tries again or the gift barrage continues, tell her again in unambiguous language (providing the necessary "absolute rejection"). Don't explain why. You are not interested in her. Period. Revealing this to her will surely be awkward, but it gives her the "complete certainty" she needs to escape the claws of limerence and, best of all, before you run out of excuses to escape her regular "Wanna go for drinks after work?"
You: "I have to feed my cat."
Her: "I thought your cat died last year."
You: "I have to feed its ghost."
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I started dating someone who is super close to his family (talks to his mom and/or dad daily, sometimes multiple times). I have a perfectly good relationship with my family, but we talk a few times a month, not a few times a day! I'm uneasy that being in a relationship with him will mean being in an intense relationship with his family, too. Should I be worried about dating someone so tied to his mom as an adult?
--Disturbed
There's being close with your parents and then there's being close like one of those kids on a leash at the mall.
Starting in the late '80s, childhood became like jail, with children no longer being allowed out to explore and instead incarcerated in fenced-in play dates. This came out of "helicopter parenting," named for parents overprotectively hovering over their kids, supervising every aspect of their lives. Helicopter parents remain in constant communication with their kids (including their adult kids), making their decisions for them, clearing obstacles out of their path, and trying to micromanage their children into Harvard and the "right" career, spouse, house, and all the rest.
When you have constant adult supervision, and your mistakes are magically mopped up by Mom (like by calling your boss for you -- which, yes, really happens), you get shorted on the normal developmental challenges that create a psychologically healthy, independent adult. Not surprisingly, research by interpersonal communications researcher Kelly Odenweller and her colleagues suggests helicopter parenting leads to adult children with "neurotic tendencies, dependency on others, and ineffective coping skills."
Look at how your boyfriend responds to conflict, and assess whether you've got a psychologically handicapped adult baby on your hands or merely a guy who really likes and enjoys his parents. That said, even if it's the latter, it might not work for you. Talk to him to suss out what sort of role his family would have in your lives. For example: What would be expected of you? Would you need to go to every single event with his family? If you got a job across the country, would moving be out of the question?
Upon investigation, figure out what you'd be comfortable with. You may decide his level of involvement with his family doesn't work for you, and that doesn't make you a bad person or "wrong." It just makes you the wrong person for him. However, talking this out now could help you see whether there are compromises you two could live with (same as you might do if he were intensely into a hobby that you find intensely tedious). Maybe you'll always be a little "Disturbed" about his level of engagement with his family, but maybe you can work things out so his parents are involved in your life together...but not on the level of intestinal polyps.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
In the first few weeks of seeing this new guy, I was really into him and wanted to spend all my time with him. We've now been together for three months. For the first time for me in a relationship, I'm okay with being apart from a boyfriend. (Normally, I get insecure and upset.) Maybe this is good, but it worries me. If you don't really miss someone when you aren't together, does that mean you don't love them?
--Concerned
There's an old Billy Joel love song, "I need you in my house because you're my home" -- not, "I could take you or leave you because you're the shed out back."
It's possible you mistook the initial excitement of the relationship for having the hots for this guy, in bed and as a person. Elevated dopamine plays a role in this. It's a neurotransmitter -- a chemical messenger -- that drives wanting and seeking. Neuroscientist Wolfram Schultz finds that "unpredictable rewards" -- seemingly rewarding things we have yet to experience -- may be even three or four times as exciting (that is, dopamine-elevating) as those we're used to. However, expecting something to be exciting and having it fall short, failing to match our prediction, causes dopamine levels to sag. We experience less wanting and have diminished motivation to pursue it -- in other words, the neurochemical expression of "meh."
Give a hard look at whether this guy hits the marks for you. At the same time, consider whether you missed past boyfriends more because there was something missing in you. (When you develop emotional security, you're able to be alone without feeling alone.) If you decide he's worth keeping, remember that romantic partners need to feel loved, even if you don't need them desperately. You'll be doing the nice thing if you text the occasional, "I really miss you!" as opposed to the perhaps more honest: "I assume you're alive. Still on for dinner this Thursday?"
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I'm a straight woman with a boyfriend of three months. I'm falling in love but don't know how to say it. Is there a way that's "safer" than others? Say it super casually? Slip it in at the end of a phone convo? In the middle of sex?
--Wondering Woman
For originality and visual appeal, you can't beat the interior decorator approach to ILY: Your boyfriend walks into your apartment, and you have a little shrine with a small gold statuette of him surrounded by candles and oranges.
But let's back up from the "how to tell him" question to why you feel the need. Sure, you care about him, and it's romantic to be all heart-baring. However, it's possible the suspense from not knowing how he feels is causing uncomfortable psychological tension, the mind's version of a really bad need to pee.
Unfortunately, what's best for a full bladder might not set up the best dynamic for a relationship. Consider research by evolutionary social psychologist Joshua Ackerman and his colleagues. Though people believe "it takes men an average of 3 weeks longer than women to confess love," men tend to be the ones to "express love and commitment first." This makes sense when you consider that sex could leave a woman a single mom with a kid to feed. Women evolved to be "commitment skeptics," erring on the side of doubting a man's willingness to stick around and provide. A man in love is a man unlikely to be clandestinely swiping right on the hot hussies of Tinder.
Because men and women coevolved, men expect commitment skepticism from women. And because of this, I suspect it creates a stronger foundation for a relationship if a man perceives his female partner to be higher in mate value (say, an 8 to his 6.5). Heresy, I know. But note that it's generally seen as romantic if a husband says about his wife, "Just glad she didn't realize she could do much better!" and if a woman said that, we'd probably pity her.
If a longing to escape emotional limbo is behind your desire to get blurty, recognize that you aren't without information about how the guy feels. Look to his behavior. Does he show you he loves you and longs to be around you even when you'll be spending hours and hours fully clothed? Does he show concern for your well-being, helping you with some thorny work issue or giving you emotional support when you're down?
If you, through your own actions, show that you care, you signal that he can safely express love for you, in which case, you can say it back. As a woman, judicious honesty about your feelings is probably the best policy. Sure, let a man know you're into him, but hold back on exactly how much: "If we weren't together, I'd chain you to a wall in my basement and lower your food in a bucket."
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I want to end a relationship, but I don't know how. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend's feelings, but we're just not a good fit. I really hate conflict and would rather just ghost, but I know that's not right. What's the easiest way to break up with someone? Is there a way to make it less traumatic?
--Avoidant
The easiest way to break up with someone is to be crushed by a flaming meteorite. There's no uncomfortable conversation; your smoking ashes say it all: "It's not you. It's me, and specifically, the way I've been turned into a pile of fireplace trash."
You, on the other hand, are turning this guy into a human beetle trapped in relationship amber because you're letting your emotions do your thinking. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman explains that our brain has two information-processing systems, a fast-responding emotional system and a slower rational system. Our fast emotional system jumps in automatically. (You just get angry when someone keys your car; you don't have to decide to be angry.) Reasoning, however, is "mental work," Kahneman explains. It requires choosing to make the effort, like considering whether your initial emotional reaction (in this case, "avoid conflict at all cost!") is actually a wise response.
You might, for example, calculate how much time you spend daily fretting over procrastinating and add up the weekly "cost." Chances are you're actually having a ton of "conflict"; it's just not with the person it would be helpful to. Telling this guy, "I just don't think we're a good fit," on the other hand, releases him to find somebody who actually wants him. It also eliminates relationship issues that tend to crop up when you stay with somebody who isn't doing it for you anymore. (If your partner's inspired to get a battery-operated device to liven things up in bed, it shouldn't be a defibrillator.)
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
