I broke up with a guy I dated very briefly and said it'd be best for me if we didn't maintain contact. He respected this for a while, but he's suddenly all over my social media, not just "liking" but often "loving" my posts. I hate being led to think about him. Is there a kind way to ask him to stop?

--Creeped Out

Sometimes a person fails to grasp that "It's best we don't maintain contact" means "Go away forever, human stain."

You're being "orbited," culture reporter Anna Iovine's word for when an ex lurks on your social media posts: showing up as one of your "story viewers" on Instagram or liking your tweets or Facebook posts. This sounds benign, but orbiting is a form of stalking.

Stalking is a confusing term because the behavior involved isn't always considered criminal. The U.S. Department of Justice defines stalking as "engaging in a course of conduct directed at a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to fear for his or her safety or the safety of others or suffer substantial emotional distress." Laws against stalking vary across states, but causing fear in the victim is typically essential for stalking to be a crime. Outside the criminal sphere, stalking is sometimes referred to by researchers as "unwanted persistent pursuit": repeated behavior that bothers or distresses the victim, often sucking their time and attention and creeping them out.

Noncriminal stalking like this can escalate to the criminal kind -- and can turn deadly, reports evolutionary psychologist David Buss in his new book, "When Men Behave Badly: The Hidden Roots of Sexual Deception, Harassment, and Assault." Though stalkers are usually male, Buss acknowledges that women become stalkers, too. An infamous female stalker is former NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak -- a case you might remember not so much for the crime but for the diapers.

In 2007, Nowak drove from Houston to Orlando wearing an adult diaper to avoid being slowed down by bathroom stops. She was off to confront (and possibly kidnap and harm) Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman, the slim, pretty blonde 10 years her junior whom NASA astronaut Bill Oefelein had dumped her for a few weeks prior. Gwendolyn Knapp, in Houstonia magazine, reports that Nowak was seen in surveillance video disguised in a black wig and hat following Shipman around the Orlando airport for three hours -- before attacking her with pepper spray in the parking lot.

Shipman told "Inside Edition" in 2017, "I ... still have anxiety," and media reports often claim stalking is motivated by a desire to cause fear. However, making a victim afraid as the ultimate motivation for romantic stalking makes little sense (save for the few sadists in the population who get off on causing pain). Research by evolutionary psychologist Joshua Duntley and Buss suggests romantic stalking is a form of "mate guarding": evolved tactics -- from coercion to showering affection to gift-giving -- used to keep one's romantic partner from bolting or being poached.

Understanding, as Buss explains, that a "key goal" of romantic stalkers is to "reunite with the (former) partner" sheds light on your situation. You might be tempted to minimize the guy's behavior because it's happening in the virtual world. However, stalkers aren't just exes hiding in your bushes with binoculars. It's stalking just the same when somebody's sitting in the bushes on social media, watching your life and signaling their unwillingness to accept your "no contact" terms by posting "likes" they know you'll see. The message: "Here I am, refusing to leave you, but in a way you'd probably feel dumb complaining about!"

Sure, you could politely but firmly tell him to stop -- "I'd prefer that you not post anything on my social media" -- and explain why you need this. However, Buss writes that one of the strategies stalking experts most frequently recommend is "ceasing all contact with the stalker." Because you're being cyber-stalked, the ideal way to do this is blocking him on all your social media. Say nothing. Just block. Buss also advises you consider taking your accounts private for a while or "staying off social media as much as possible." If contact escalates, shore up security in your home with locks, motion sensor lights, and video surveillance; document all contact; and notify the police.

Blocking without explanation might seem unkind and perhaps a little paranoid. However, Buss explains that "stalkers often construe any interaction" with the person they're pursuing "as rewarding," even if it's negative. "Reasoning and logic rarely work. They give the stalker hope that the romantic relationship can be renewed." And this could lead to situations you'd surely like to avoid. As the romantic cliche goes, "You'll find love when you're not looking for it" -- like when it breaks in and stands over your bed, watching you sleep.

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.

Last year, I broke up with the man I was engaged to and loved deeply. I'd found out he was cheating on me constantly with many different women throughout our relationship. My life has gone on, but I often think of what he did to me and feel incredible anger. I'd like to forgive him, but I'm not sure how to do that when these feelings pop up throughout my week.

It's hard to move on emotionally when you not only have a grudge but take it everywhere with you like a cockroach on a little yarn leash.

This isn't to say you should forgive the guy. There's this assumption that forgiving someone who's wronged you is the healthy, constructive thing to do -- and, sure, it can be. Evolutionary social psychologist Michael McCullough defines forgiveness as "an internal process of getting over your ill will for an offender." He explains that forgiveness is "adaptive" -- functional, beneficial -- when there's a valuable relationship at stake: when you'd benefit from continuing contact with the perp (and it seems unlikely they'll be a repeat offender -- harm you again in a similar way).

But you aren't looking to re-up with the guy! And you probably have zero indication he's changed anything -- aside from which woman he's two-timing (or, uh, 22-timing, as a rough quarterly estimate). What you're really seeking is peace of mind. Consider that anger, like forgiveness, can be functional. The anger you still have probably remains for a reason: a warning sign that you're in danger of being cheated on again. But there's a way to shut off that alert -- and protect yourself in the future -- and it's by turning this into a learning experience.

Be accountable for the part you played in what happened -- not because, "Yay, blame the victim!" -- but because it's the part you can control. Did you, perhaps, want so badly to believe you'd found love that you ignored signs you'd landed a cheating creep posing as an adoring boyfriend? Being honest about what you could -- and should -- have done differently can become your guide for what you will do differently the next guy around. A man can give you the sense he has a moral compass, but it's best you give it a hard look to see it isn't cracked and dusty from constantly being dropped in other women's bedrooms.

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.

I've been dating a guy for three months, and I'd like us to be exclusive, but I don't know how to go about addressing it. I'm worried that if I say I need him to commit, he'll feel pressured and bolt.

--Quandary

For a man, agreeing to go exclusive is a bit like wedding vows lite, as posed to the man's penis: "Do you swear off sex with all the other ladies forever?" Penis: "Frankly, that sounds a little grim."

Men evolved to have the hots for sexual variety -- casual sex with a slew-apalooza of different partners -- to a degree women do not. (An ancestral woman could get pregnant and stuck with a kid to raise after a single hookup with some rando, while the more randos Grok had sex with, the more likely he was to pass on his genes.)

Feminist scholars contend that "patriarchal" culture -- not evolution -- leads to men's greater preference for the sexual variety pack, but it even shows up in "gender-egalitarian" Norway. Evolutionary scientist Leif Edward Ottesen Kennair and his colleagues asked Norwegian men and women the number of sex partners they'd want over a 30-year period. Women, on average, wanted about five sex partners. Men? About 25!

Still, many men eventually tire of the swipe-right hussy of the night lifestyle (which, admittedly, isn't an option for men low on the mate-value ladder) and start feeling ready for a relationship. However, even if this guy's open to commitment and maybe already pointed in that direction, consider the lesson from "psychological reactance," a term coined by psychologist Jack Brehm. Our getting the sense that somebody's trying to control us, limit our freedom, motivates us to "react": rebel against being controlled.

Give yourself a (silent) deadline so you won't be waiting around forever, and then ask him how he sees things going forward: what he's looking for, what works for him. The conversation itself should give him the sense that you might be headed for the door if he doesn't boyfriend up. Wanting to be with you might motivate him to make the necessary sexual trade-off -- which is ultimately a pretty big deal for a dude. Picture the Souplantation buffet, but all those stainless steel bins are filled with the same one item, and you'll have to eat it for every meal for the rest of your life: "Welcome to the suburban gulag. Table for two?"

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.

I'm a woman in my early 20s. I'm considered pretty, and I'm in good shape. I started dating significantly older men (in their 40s and early 50s). I love that they're adults and I don't become a girlfriend-slash-nanny, motivational coach, and resume editor like when I'm dating guys my age. But these older men and I are in different life stages with different goals. They want to get married way sooner than I do, or they've had kids and don't want more. How can I trick my brain into wanting men my age who are less emotionally and otherwise mature?

--Elder Dater

In my 20s, upon moving from Michigan to Manhattan, I was quite the grandpa chaser. I have a thing for the lived-in male face and a ripened mind. But back then, I felt personally and professionally adrift -- unsure of who I was and what I wanted to do. Ultimately, I think I was drawn to much-older men in the way Kate Winslet's character was drawn to the door she clung to when The Titanic went down.

These men had what might be called stability: established careers in impressive, high-status fields, and they lived in civilized apartments (in contrast with my grim walk-up, so tiny you could breathe or think; pick one). But, now, looking back through the lens of evolutionary psychology, the attributes that attracted me reflect the evolved female preference for men who can "invest": provide for a woman and any children they had together.

This priority by women, found across cultures and even species, surely evolved because females (save for seahorses, pipefish, and sea dragons) are the ones who get pregnant and left with babies to feed. Because the perils of single motherhood weren't an issue for ancestral men, men evolved to prioritize physical attractiveness. This preference is sneered at as "superficial," though it's anything but. The features men are drawn to -- smooth, unblemished skin, lustrous hair, full lips, and youth -- are cues to a woman's health and fertility. Men who instead had the hots for wrinkly 70-year-old ladies wouldn't have left any descendants to pass on their biddy-banger genes.

Across cultures, other characteristics most widely sought in both male and female mates include kindness, intelligence, and good health. Most of us can't have it all; we have to settle to some degree. But evolutionary psychologists David Buss and Todd Shackelford find that women who are very physically attractive and thus high in mate value wanted all four of a cluster of mate characteristics in a man -- those indicating that: 1. He'll invest. 2. He'll be a good parent. 3. He'll be a loving partner. 4. He has good genes to pass on (suggested by his physical health, masculinity, and sexiness).

If you are high in mate value -- physically attractive, with other qualities men want in a partner (kindness, intelligence, etc.) -- you'll probably feel less willing to settle. This makes for some challenges. Much-older men can be a bad bet for a number of reasons, including crushing alimony, sperm beyond their prime, and the possibility that you'll be diapering both a baby and a husband in relatively short order.

Unfortunately, in many younger men, 30 seems to be the new 18. Financially, the trappings of an adult life (like a house and children) are out of reach for many younger people in a way they weren't in the past. Also, because casual sex is widely available, younger dudes are in no rush to end the Tinder rando sex parade with an "I do." Finally, many of this generation grew up helicopter-parented, without the "Be home by dark!" independence of we who grew up in the '70s and '80s. Many got trophies just for showing up and either weren't asked to do chores or were allowed to shrug them off. Is it really a shock when a guy doesn't pop up at 23 brimming with adult responsibility and instead wants to play World of, um, Warcrack all day while you write his resume and cover letters?

Your best bet is probably to look for guys just a bit older -- in their late 20s or early 30s -- who may not be totally together in their career and finances but show potential. These are men who are ambitious, intelligent, and hardworking, with reasonable goals (that is, goals that seem realizable without the services of a wizard). Look for signs they care about more than their own immediate comfort and ease -- like by noticing when you're cold and giving you their jacket.

To be fair, there are women with much-older male partners who have happy, satisfying, and maybe even magical relationships. Still, a good general rule might be that a guy's probably too old for you if, when he was your age, he could've called you "baby," but "3-month-old fetus" would've been more medically accurate.

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.