My husband died of a heart attack at age 75. On his phone, I saw several unsettling texts from younger women, alluding to improper liaisons and asking for money. We often helped needy families, but I'm suspecting these women tempted and took advantage of a kind, caring old man, or maybe he turned dirty old man (looking for something more exciting than his wife). Before his death, he started viewing pornography online and seemed not quite himself. Could this apparent change in personality point to dementia? Finding these texts has turned my grieving upside down. I'm often angry with him for possibly cheating on me. I'm not sure how to put this to rest in my mind.

--Perplexed Widow

Sadly, elderly men are often easy prey for young scamstresses. These women sexually tempt or even just flatter an old man out of his money -- all, "You remind me of that dude from 'Star Wars'!" -- making him think of himself as a young, hot Harrison Ford (when the "dude" he actually resembles is Yoda).

I'm so sorry -- both about the death of your husband and the apparent death of what you believed about him and your marriage. But I'm hoping my frank exploration of what you do and don't know will help you make your way to peace of mind.

First, it is possible your husband's apparent behavioral changes were due to dementia. Dementia is not technically a disease but an umbrella term for "a decline in mental ability severe enough to interfere with daily life" (per the Alzheimer's Association). Symptoms include personality changes, memory issues, and impaired reasoning. "Alzheimer's disease is the most common cause of dementia, accounting for 60 to 80% of dementia cases."

My friend Stef Willen wrote movingly in her McSweeney's column about the tragic thief of self that is dementia, explaining, "For most of my life, my days with my grandmother had been spent hiking, identifying birds and having beers in a small-town Colorado bars. ... I'd always thought she'd die of a swift heart attack, but death snuck in the back door and did a real hit and miss job. None of us even noticed until the essential parts of her began to go missing."

Her grandma's doctor explained to Stef that her grandma's neurons weren't communicating. Some were dead, and some weren't firing in the correct pattern. As Stef put it: "Apparently, who we are is an electrochemical reaction, and my grandmother had blown her circuits."

Dementia messes with the functioning of the brain's "prefrontal cortex" (PFC), the section just behind your forehead. If you think of your body as a factory and your behavior as the workers, the PFC is the executive boardroom of you: in charge of planning, prioritizing, remembering, reasoning, and "inhibitory control" (professor-ese for resisting temptation). That last one, when the PFC's cells are in healthy working order, keeps us from just giving in to whatever impulse -- sexual, gluttonous, violent, or just rude -- flies into our head.

But let's back up a sec. You don't know whether your husband had dementia, as he was never diagnosed. Sure, you've pulled together disturbing fragments of information, and they're pointing you toward a conclusion. But you can't know whether your conclusion is correct -- though I'm guessing you strongly suspect it is, because that's how our minds evolved to work.

Uncertainty -- ambiguous situations, partially answered questions, and other forms of mental untidiness -- fill us with anxiety and dread. This makes evolutionary sense -- survival sense -- because wanting these uncomfortable feelings gone motivates us to try to get answers and information. Knowledge we acquire (of possible lurking harms) really is power: power to take meaningful steps to protect ourselves.

However, our brain has a feature (that's also a bug!): a psychological mechanism in the left hemisphere -- named "the interpreter" by cognitive neuroscientist Michael Gazzaniga -- that works like mental grout. When we're wading through ambiguities or spot inconsistencies in our behavior (or others'), the interpreter creates stories to fill in the blanks: stories that make us feel comforted, consistent, and smart. Conveniently, no sooner does our mind spin some explanatory yarn than it turns right around and believes it, as if it were cold, hard fact.

Since you can never know the full story, it's pointless to torment yourself by rerunning painful bits of information and guessing. However, you could find comfort by using that crafty bugger, the interpreter, to your advantage. Shift over to the story you do know -- the happy, loving times you two shared for decades -- and focus on that. If you're gonna go in for torment, make it a healthier class of it -- like hot yoga (aka the commercialization of hot flashes paired with stretches easily accomplished by anyone who finds a wizard to turn them into a wire twist-tie).

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.

Lately, women's magazines keep mentioning "sociopaths." What is a sociopath? From what I've read, it seems like both my exes were sociopaths. How do I avoid attracting others?

--Wary Woman

When a guy asks you on a date, it would be great if you could check him out on LinkedIn and be all, "Oh, look...endorsements for embezzlement, insurance fraud, and identity theft!"

Set aside everything you've read about sociopaths, much of which is probably wrong. Sociopathy and its nasty sibling, psychopathy, are manifestations of "antisocial personality disorder": a relentless pattern of exploitative behavior involving a disregard for the rights of others and a lack of guilt upon violating them. However, sociopathy and psychopathy differ in meaningful ways, though they are often written about as if they are interchangeable -- in the media and (ugh!) even by researchers.

In short, sociopathy is "fire," and psychopathy is "ice." Psychopaths -- the icy ones -- are coldly calculating manipulators who fake caring about others but are incapable of forming any emotional attachments. (Think lurking plotters lying in wait.) Sociopaths are the fiery ones: impulsive, hot-headed, and boastful; easily enraged -- even to the point of violent outbursts -- making them more likely to end up in the slammer. Sociopaths sometimes form one-on-one emotional attachments, but these are typically pretty toxic.

Psychopaths are born, not made, meaning psychopathy is genetic and present from birth, reports forensic psychologist Scott A. Johnson. Sociopathy, on the other hand, is environmentally driven: typically resulting from harsh, abusive, indulgent, and/or neglectful parenting. There's "no known effective treatment" for either psychopathy or sociopathy. However, a psychopath "easily cons treatment staff" to get a positive progress report, while sociopaths tend to act out angrily and get cut from treatment programs.

You can't avoid attracting sociopaths, but because they're impulsive, explosive, and braggy, they can only hide their true nature for so long. You can be speedier at ejecting them from your life (along with other human nightmares) if you aren't too quick to be "all in." When you start dating someone, take a wait-and-see approach -- over, say, three or even six months -- and pay special attention to his behavior when he seems unaware he's being observed. See whether a guy actually is your Mr. McDreamy, rather than sliding into the temptation to simply believe that -- making yourself prone to ignore behavior that suggests he has a big scoop of hummus where his conscience is supposed to be.

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.

I'm a 22-year-old woman. I'm bothered my best guy friend's shift in priorities. We talked about meeting up, and when I asked about his schedule, he said it depends on the schedules of women he's meeting for dates. I found this really rude, especially because I always have the decency to prioritize my friends over any random romantic prospect.

--Angry

Apparently, the lyrics of the Carole King classic, "You've Got a Friend," should've included disclaimers throughout; for example: "You just call out my name, And you know, wherever I am, I'll come running" ("though there may be a several-day wait if there's a really good opportunity for my penis").

The actual problem here is not the apparent shift in the guy's priorities but how they now differ sharply from yours -- leading to an imbalance in what you put into the friendship versus what you're getting out of it. "Equity theory," developed in the 1960s by behavioral psychologist J. Stacy Adams (and originally applied to business relationships), suggests this sort of "inequity" leads to "dissatisfaction and low morale."

Recent research on equity theory confirms that we evaluate our friendships (and other relationships) based on how fair they are. We look for reciprocity: a level of mutualness in how much we and our friend are each investing in the friendship. When we perceive a friend is giving much less than we are, we get miffy and are motivated to put them on notice or give them the boot.

The guy isn't wrong to have more mating-focused priorities. However, you might decide it's too painful to remain friends with him. Telling him how you feel might inspire him to change his behavior (or hide it better) -- my bet...for a few days or a week. Another option would be to make peace with the sort of friend he's able to be -- which could be a temporary thing while he's on the hunt -- and spend more time with friends who share your priorities.

There are friends who -- upon getting your faint, staticky phone call for help from the Alaskan tundra -- will drop everything, hop five planes, rent a team of sled dogs, and come rescue you...and then there are friends who will get on with dropping their pants on some chick's floor, telling themselves you'll probably get through to somebody else before your phone dies and you follow its lead. ("Testes before besties!")

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.

I'm a 43-year-old woman in my second marriage with a man who's also on his second marriage. We are both determined to make this marriage our last! We have a scheduled date night. We make sure sex happens weekly. I'd like to know whether there are other things we can do to keep from walking down the aisle a third time.

--Hopeful

In some marriages, somebody could lose consciousness and it wouldn't be all that noticeable.

Date nights are good for keeping the marital jets firing, as is having sex weekly, but regular dates and sextivities don't change how being married is like subscribing to Netflick. No, my copyeditor isn't day-drinking, and yes, I mean "flick." Netflick would have only one movie, and you and your partner would be forced to watch it every night of your life together...until one or both of you shrivel up and die of boredom or start dialing jackals with law licenses (aka divorce lawyers).

What can help is making your married life more like single people's lives -- uh, in ways that don't remodel your vows into something more along the lines of suggestions. In a New York Times op-ed, social historian Stephanie Coontz explains, "Single people generally have wider social networks than married couples, who tend to withdraw into their coupledom." Though marriage "can provide a bounty of emotional, practical and financial support ... finding the right mate is no substitute for having friends and other interests."

Disappointingly, Coontz trots out a view widely (and uncritically) accepted among researchers: "On average, married people report higher well-being than singles." And sure, there are studies that conclude this. However, social psychologist Bella DePaulo points out rather glaring flaws in some of the research making this claim. For example, she observes that even respected developmental psychologist E. Mavis Hetherington couldn't see her faulty reasoning in concluding: "Happily married couples are healthier, happier, wealthier, and sexier than are singles." The problem? Hetherington is comparing a subset of married people -- HAPPILY MARRIED people (as opposed to ALL married people) -- with ALL single people. I put this in perspective in a 2013 column: "Yes, shockingly, happily married people are happier than clinically depressed single people."

In fact, people who are unhappily single -- who feel "distress" about being single -- tend to be those who'd previously been married (and especially those newly divorced or widowed), notes Coontz. About the single-'n'-miserableness of the newly divorced or widowed, you might think, "Duh...they're lonely or grieving!" Some or many might be. But I think Coontz is onto something in advising married people to "cultivate the skills of successful singlehood." (Conversely, "people who are successful as singles" -- meaning socially connected and relatively content with their lives -- "are especially likely to end up in happy marriages, in large part because of the personal and social resources they developed before marrying.")

Coontz suggests you bring other people into your marriage -- though not like they did in the '70s at those suburban parties with all the couples dropping their keys into a bowl. She's talking about friendships with people beyond your spouse, and ideally, not just one or two others but a whole group. Research (by evolutionary social psychologist Stephanie Brown, among others) consistently finds being socially connected increases individuals' personal well-being and is even associated with better physical health. Likewise, "maintaining social networks ... after marriage" can also "enhance and even revitalize your marriage," writes Coontz.

As for how you two could put this into practice, you might start by making some date nights double-date nights. This might seem like a bad idea -- a date-night romance- and intimacy-killer. However, Coontz describes a date-night experiment in which researchers "assigned some couples to spend time by themselves and have deeply personal conversations," while others were set up with a couple they'd never met "and told to initiate similar conversations." Afterward, all of the couples "reported greater satisfaction with their relationship," but only those who'd been on the double date reported feeling more "romantic passion" for each other!

Because it seems "the more" really is the (maritally) merrier, you and your husband could also host regular dinner parties, cocktail hours, brunches, and/or game nights. However, it's also important that you each maintain individual interests, activities, and friendships. Ironically, regularly spending less time together -- as well as following wise advice from Coontz to each maintain your ability to be self-reliant -- should help you avoid going your separate ways. It's great if your relationship starts to remind you of an iconic one in a classic movie -- but not if the movie is "Cast Away," starring Tom Hanks and a volleyball he draws a face on so he won't be all alone on a desert island.

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.

My boyfriend asked me for nude photos of myself. I reluctantly sent him one. I feel very uncomfortable about sending it, and I don't want to send more -- though sending naked pics now seems very common. Am I paranoid?

--Online Privacy Fan

Unfortunately, "online privacy" is one of the more absurdo oxymorons -- a contradiction in terms on the level of "planned spontaneity," "working vacation," and my favorite: "civil war." (The warring factions yell "Thank you!" and "No, thank you!" across the trenches until more people pass out on one side than the other.)

Digital-world technology has made our lives vastly easier, more efficient, and more fun, but it can also cost us big-time -- on a scale previously unseen and even unimaginable throughout human history. Back in the Middle Ages, no one had to worry about some brainy malcontent hacking their "cloud" and releasing all their nudie shots to the Global Village. At worst, one other person might come upon a lone sketch of them in a state of undress or maybe a few slutty etchings.

In other words, you are far from unreasonable to say no to sending any further nudiepix, and it would not be unreasonable to ask your boyfriend to delete the one you sent him (explaining your privacy concerns). That said, he might find that request unreasonable, vis-a-vis how common it is for people to sext those they're dating -- or (when those people are guys) show random strangers on the internet their erect willy.

If he does find it unreasonable, you might feel bad saying no. Women, much more than men, tend to be on the high end of the spectrum of the personality trait "agreeableness" (first identified in the 1930s by psychologists Gordon Allport and Henry Odbert). High agreeableness manifests in a "pleaser" personality: being kind, empathetic, cooperative, and driven to have positive interactions with others (often to one's own detriment).

Understanding that you might have a predisposition to say yes can help you stand up for yourself. At first, announcing your boundaries -- saying no -- will likely feel bad. Be prepared to override that feeling and act in your best interest. Sure, many people share all sorts of naked 'n' crazy without having it exposed to the universe, but there's always that possibility. At a work retreat, your co-workers should not try to bond with you with: "Don't you find the Cool Whip requires too much cleanup?"

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.

I'm a guy in my early 20s. I love my older brother and look up to him. But starting in high school, girls flocked to him, and he was crowned prom king, though I'm objectively more attractive. Recently, a girl I really liked and became friends with started dating him after I introduced them at a party. Neither knew about my feelings for her because I never told them, but I now feel resentful and envious of my brother.

--Bitter

Ideally, if a woman is asked to guess your "spirit animal," her answer won't be, "Hamster lying cold and dead in the corner of his cage?"

Your "I feel resentful" is a bit entitled snowflake, since you never did anything to let this woman know you were interested. In short: Good things come to those who ask. (Full disclosure: often, though not always.)

As for your envy, research by evolutionary psychologist Bram Buunk overturns the bad name this emotion has long gotten. Envy is actually adaptive -- functional -- and its function appears to be making us go: "Whoa! He's way ahead of me! Gotta put on my lady-chasing track shoes!" Envy is only a destructive emotion when people experiencing it engage in "malicious envy": trying to sabotage those doing better than they are rather than trying to up their own game and outdo them fair and square.

In the future, when you want a woman, don't silently watch as she wanders off into another guy's arms. Say something! As I noted, it won't always end well when you hit on a woman, but possibly getting rejected is the cost of possibly having dates, sex, and love.

That said, there's a way to repurpose bummerino brush-offs into "small wins": organizational psychologist Karl Weick's term for small positive outcomes experienced while failing to solve a big (or even massive) problem. An example of how that might play out in your head: "Okay, that girl I hit on at the bar was nasty, but yesterday, I would've spent all night just staring at her. Today, I grew a pair and approached her. Yay, me!"

Though this is admittedly the slow, emotionally grubby approach, you should find it much more effective than your current MO: waiting for a woman you're into to read your mind and have herself shot out of a cannon through your open window and into your love pit/bed.

For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.