From Reddit.

LiveLearnPlan wrote:

"Just before I got married (12 years ago), I had the opportunity to talk to a gentleman who had 42 years of happy marriage. I asked him what the secret to a happy marriage was, and I thought his answer may fit here:

"He said:

'It's not looks, they come and go.

'It's not lust, that comes and goes.

'It's not love, that comes and goes.

'The secret to a long happy marriage is compatible baggage. We all have baggage we bring to a relationship. Too many people go into a relationship and "hope" things will get better or change. They don't. If you can accept her baggage, and she can accept yours, then get married. It may get better, which is great, or it may not, which is ok.'

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"For years I have thought about this simple concept and found he is 100% correct. My wife and I are both PhDs and work like crazy. It is normal for us to be designing research studies at dinner. That baggage to someone else would drive them crazy. The same goes with being childfree. The same goes with all the 'normal' baggage of family, finances, friends, and all of our quirks.

"I have talked to lots of couples getting married and given them the task to discuss their baggage before getting married. Usually, you get nervous laughter from each of them. We all know what our spouse's baggage is (in our eyes), but we may be blind to our own. I have had a couple or two realize their baggage was too much for the long term, but better to know that upfront..."

pmbpro:

"...It’s like not only does one have to discuss the baggage itself, but they’d also have to directly raise that exact point head-on, like 'If you plan on hoping that I will change my mind on this down the road… don’t bother. You will be sorely disappointed and wasting our time.' That way the other person cannot get mad and say they weren’t warned."

virtualyesteryay:

"I relate a lot to you and your wife sharing professional baggage! My partner and I are both Software Engineers and are workaholics. I focus on one set of skills, he on another, and we often look over each other’s work 😂 I know it’s made us closer as a couple because we understand each other’s wins and frustrations so much more intimately than other partners I’ve had.

"We have a lot of overlapping interests beyond work too! But work is such a huge part of our lives and I’m glad I get to share that with him too."

LiveLearnPlan:

"It is funny that what is baggage to one person becomes a plus to someone else.

"We have gotten to a point where if we go for a road trip or dinner my wife asks 'Do I need to bring my notebook?'. She's a note-taker. She's a quantitative researcher, I'm a qualitative researcher. I'm a financial planner so I help her with her grants, budgets, etc.

"I'm not sure we always understand each other's wins and frustrations, but we can at least talk the same language.

"...It is the plot of seemingly every movie where we just need to 'improve' the one we love to make them perfect. These 'improvements' range from a make-over to a new career, new life, giving up the motorcycle, whatever.

"People can grow on their own, but we need to accept our partner's 'baggage' no matter what it is. If they happen to change something that bothers us, great! If not, we accept them as-is. (and don't pressure them to change)."

dmb6392:

"Could someone please explain baggage to me a little more thoroughly? I kind of get the concept, but I also don't."

LiveLearnPlan:

"I'm happy to try to explain (some of these examples come from my original discussion with the gentleman).

"Baggage in this case can be both positive and negative but usually reflects something that makes your spouse 'not perfect' in your eyes. Common baggage:

"Family - Everyone's inlaws are crazy. Can you deal with them?

"Finances - Debt, spending, and the like. If you are a saver and they are a spender, how do you deal?

"Fitness - Are you a fitness freak while they are a couch potato?

"Habits - Are you a clean freak and they are not?

"Work - Are they a workaholic and you'd rather them spend time with you?..."

dmb6392:

"Ok, that makes more sense! Also, do you happen to have any advice on how to identify your own baggage, beyond what you just said?"

LiveLearnPlan:

"Ask a close friend or two... Tell them you really want to know what your baggage is. Don't get mad at them when they tell you. :neutral_face:

"The old saying is, if you don't know who the crazy person is in your family, it is you."