![[whitespace]](http://metroactive.com/gifs/whiteline2.gif){kind=small}
Home
|
Mush Ado About Nothing
For
three and a half months, this guy and I have been spending every spare
second together. We have great fun, laugh constantly, and have a great
time in bed. He calls constantly, cooks me dinner, and he’s always
holding my hand. He even accompanied me to my brother’s wedding.
The problem is, he’s never told me how he feels about me. Not a
word. Nothing. I’d like to know what’s going through his head,
but I don’t want to scare him. Should I ask him how he feels? --Sweet Nothing At All
Men who aren’t drag queens do not sit around comparing enlarged pores with their guy friends while getting the lowdown on that new lipstick with the staying power of latex house paint. That’s because men are not merely hairy women with flat chests and jutting chins.
Likewise, contrary to what that wacky Sigmund Freud said about penis
envy, women aren’t running around all broken up about not having
a penis. Please. Like we need yet another accessory to leave behind in
restaurants next to our forgotten sunglasses and cell phones. That said
-- if a portable penis came with a variety of removable face plates, and
a selection of carrying cases to match all of our shoes and bags...quick
-- somebody stop me before I get into custom ring-tones. Now, maybe you’re such a loser that your friends and family took
up a collection and hired this guy to stick with you, or maybe it’s
just one of the conditions of his parole. But, if you’re pretty
sure he’s “spending every spare second” with you of
his own volition, maybe the thing that needs the most examination is your
head. Like a lot of women’s heads, it’s swirling with the
expectation that men should express affection exactly like a woman would:
That big blobs of mush must fall from their mouths when they talk, kind
of like they’re spitting up their Cream of Wheat. Oh yeah, and that
love means loading up a dump truck with chocolates, flowers, and carats
on Valentine’s Day, National Turnip Appreciation day, and any other
holidays Hallmark stamps a retail value on. If you can convince a guy
to talk truth about this, he’ll probably tell you that men fork
that stuff over on the appointed days mainly because women will drop-kick
them into Doghouseville if they don’t. Oooh, sing along with me:
“Isn’t It Romantic?”...
While men can give the impression that they’ve mastered complex language,
their natural vocabulary is more along the lines of “Me hungry.
Me horny. Me tired. Where’s the remote?” Fact is, men vote
with their feet. If a guy’s having fun with you, chances are, he’ll
stick around for extended fun, and maybe even tumble into love with you.
Again, the way you tell it, this guy’s feet are up on your coffee
table, scampering around your kitchen, and poking out from your comforter
23/6, if not 24/7. In other words, maybe there’s no need to make
your relationship feel like Monday morning in a law school contracts class.
(For a man, this generally involves a woman demanding, “Where is
it going?” about 20 minutes after “it” got started.)
On the Fun Scale, this is right up there with offers by doctors to “slip
a pair of latex gloves on and have a little ‘peek’ at the
ole prostate.” Man: “Thanks, doc, but if I’m looking
for fun, I’ll get a bikini wax -- providing PMS isn’t keeping
me home with cramps, crying over movies of the week on Lifetime.
|