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Doom For Improvement
I’ve
been dating a fabulous guy for about a year. The other day, he walked
into my house and declared that we should break up. (We had been squabbling
more than usual, and he was frustrated.) Well, when he announced this,
I was devastated. We ended up talking the problems out and deciding to
give the relationship another shot. I’m glad we didn’t break
up, but now I feel that maybe he’s sticking around so he doesn’t
hurt me. I’m also a little perturbed that his frustration would
lead to such a drastic consequence (one he said he was glad didn’t
actually come through). Once a breakup is on the table, is there a way
to move past it? Or, by getting back together, are we just prolonging
the inevitable? --Breakup Limbo
Imagine if people went on first dates looking and acting like they do after a year in a relationship. You’d see burping, farting, unshaven slobs with beer bellies wearing tattered remains of hockey jerseys -- unlaundered since purchase decades before, perhaps on the off chance the authorities demand forensic evidence of every meal the person’s ever eaten in front of the TV. Frightening, huh? And those are just the women.
A breakup should always be on the table -- if you want to keep your relationship
together. Perhaps you haven’t noticed, but relationships, these
days, tend to have the tensile strength of a potato chip. Believing yours
could crumble at any moment is the best way for you and your partner to
keep from mistaking each other for oversized skin tags -- benign, fleshy
growths that go pretty much unnoticed until they get caught in a zipper.
As a fringe benefit, it should also prevent the two of you from turning
bathing into a ritual reserved for special occasions -- like leap year. Conflict is actually a good thing. You could consider it a navigational
aid, much like those giant lights that help pilots land planes on the
runway instead of in your spare bedroom. It points out areas in the relationship
landscape that might call for an extra baggage handler or two. Or, perhaps,
fire trucks and the bomb squad.
To solve problems, don’t rely on gimmicky tricks like that “active
listening” hoo-ha, in which you’re supposed to repeat your
partner’s words back to him: “I’m hearing that you loathe
me so deeply that your life dream has become watching me be gnawed to
death, very slowly, by an extended family of rabid squirrels.” The
best predictor for relationship tenure, according to extensive research
by psych professor John Gottman, isn’t total erasure of conflict
but acting out of what he calls “deep friendship” -- truly
liking and respecting your partner, and caring about their needs like
they’re your own. (“The Seven Principles For Making Marriage
Work,” by John Gottman.)
This means that your boyfriend’s hissy fit isn’t necessarily a
sign that it’s time to soap down the tarmac. It’s just conflict
about not dealing well with conflict. It is time the boy came up with
a communication style that isn’t modeled on a bottle of Coke shaken
by a 10-year-old. Encourage him to share issues as soon as they start
burning and itching (especially any pending breakups), as opposed to bottling
them up until his head hits DEFCON 1. (On a side note: As upsetting as
his little tantrum must have been, it is refreshing that, these days,
even little boys can grow up to be drama queens.)
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