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If The Shrew Fits...
Every woman I know
complains about fighting with her boyfriend. The battles range from irritated
bickering to terrible screaming matches. I’m worried because my
boyfriend and I have been together a year, and we’ve never had an
argument, big or small. In fact, we seem to be the happy couple other
couples hate because our relationship seems so perfect. Does being really
happy 99 percent of the time mean we aren’t dealing with issues
we should be? --Too Good For Our Own Good? A
lot of women in relationships hear that “love is a two-way
street” so they run out in the middle of the night and put up signs
on both sides of the street that read “my way.”
No, women aren’t to blame for all the misery -- just more than their
fair share of it. According to my mountain of mail, the single biggest
relationship hell-maker is women who think men will double as falsies
for their flat self-esteem. Instead of flailing about in hopes of getting
a life, then getting someone to share it with, these women simply get
a guy who’s already got a life, then attach themselves to it like
a sucker fish on a whale. This saves all their unused personal growth
hours to be funneled into more gratifying pursuits, such as combing the
mall for deeply discounted shoes and telling the guy why he can’t
go drink beer and make man noises at the sports bar. Ah, love. Well, at
least that’s what these women call it -- probably because “love”
goes over better than “I’m the queen and he’s the peasant
who must bend to my will.” Men are
simple creatures. Give the average guy a hamburger, a naked girlfriend,
and a wide-screen TV, and he’s happy. Throw in a Universal Remote,
unfettered access to his friends, and time alone to use, fix, or stare
at mechanical objects, and he’s delirious with joy. Sounds pretty
simple, huh -- find a good guy, let him be, and he’ll probably be
good right back? But no, even blissed-out girls like you can’t leave
well enough alone: “Why am I so happy? What’s wrong with me?
What’s wrong with us? Do you think we’re too perfect?!”
Not
to worry -- it’s easy to be miserable like everybody else. Just
throw your sense of self off a ledge, then turn your relationship into
an endless list of demands because you feel powerless unless you’re
“winning” a giant power struggle. Keep your boyfriend on his
toes by telling him you love him, then treating him with the contempt
you’d normally reserve for a fleeing purse-snatcher. Demand total
honesty, then torch the paint off him when he tells you so much as the
date or the time. In no time, you’ll both be storming around the
house heartily despising each other. By then, he’ll have learned
the secret saying of all beaten-down men: “What she doesn’t
know won’t hurt me.”
If this seems like too much work, bringing unconditional loathe into
your life, just keep doing what you’re doing -- probably acting
like a rational human being (rare among women, according to men) and using
your powers of observation for the greater good. For example, take a look
at your boyfriend’s business card. Unless it says “Minds Read,
$5 A Lobe,” he probably can’t guess what you’re thinking.
Should it happen to be something negative (“Do you know how stupid
you look in those plaid shorts?”), remind yourself that men and
harsh micromanagement don’t mix, and motivate with The Power Of
Positive Ego Massage; i.e., “I can’t help but jump you when
you wear your black pants.” If you’ve picked a guy with half
a brain, he’ll get that you really, really want him to remove (and
burn) the plaid shorts, and he’ll love you for letting him know
without eviscerating his dignity.
Contrary to the “wisdom” found on self-help shelves, a happy
man isn’t one with a “yes, dear”-ing wife-a-tron, but
one who’s smart enough to hook up with a woman who’s happy
alone (but happier with him). These people find happiness in making each
other happy. This doesn’t take the soul of a saint. In fact, you
might talk to the rest of the world as if it had just dropped a giant
dresser on your toe. You simply make a pact with yourself to never say
a cruel word to the one you’re with. Remember “The Boy In
The Plastic Bubble”? Think “The Relationship In The Plastic
Bubble.” Like “The Boy,” you’ll have visitors
bringing news from beyond the zip-lock; for example, what’s wrong
with your boyfriend’s friends according to their girlfriends (everything,
including how they breathe). This should be enough to remind your boyfriend
how lucky he is to be encased in plastic with you -- a woman who stays
up nights worrying that she’s much too happy.
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