My roommate and I are best friends, and we've lived together for four years. Recently, she got into a pretty serious relationship, and it seems her priorities have totally shifted. Is a best friend always second place to a boyfriend? Or are they both of equal value?
--Hurt
A female best friend can do a lot to make you happy -- even give you a baby -- though she'll have to wait till the NICU nurse gets busy and kidnap one for you.
It can feel like a betrayal to be downgraded in your bestie's life when a serious boyfriend comes around. However, evolution's ultimately to blame. "We are survival machines -- robot vehicles blindly programmed" by evolution to preserve our genes by passing them to generations after us, explains biologist Richard Dawkins in "The Selfish Gene." Simply put, we're each a big flesh bus driven by our genes, subconsciously steered to do their bidding. Psychiatrist and evolutionary medicine founder Randolph Nesse sums up the grim reality: Evolution "does not give a fig about our happiness." It likewise doesn't care whether we have friends, save for how they might help us survive and pass on our genes.
This sounds cold, but understanding the evolutionary reality can help you stay in your friend's life and keep her in yours -- perhaps without taking her shift in priorities personally. I use that understanding -- despite finding kids loud, sticky, and expensive -- to be supportive of friends who are moms of young kids. I insist to them (and genuinely feel) that it's okay if they need to put off a call or drinks we've planned when they're wiped from work plus momming. An important caveat: These are dear friends who show up for me if I'm in need; I'm not rolling over for a bunch of userish socio-Pattys.
You likewise might consider reconfiguring your expectations so you two can stay friends and you won't make her feel she has to choose between you and the guy. You'd surely lose that battle -- which means you and she would both end up losing. Supposedly, a truly "intimate" relationship is the sort you have with a man you love, but...well...when's the last time coffee with your bestie ran long and you faked an orgasm so you could get on with your day?
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
After my third date with a guy, he texted and asked why we hadn't had sex yet. I was taking it slow-ish because I was trying to figure out whether I liked him (and vice versa). I was pretty annoyed at his question, and we agreed we should stop seeing each other. Well, last week, he started texting me again. Nothing groundbreaking, just "hey" and "what's up." What's his deal -- does he want another chance? Do I give it to him?
--Unsure
You probably like to wait to have sex till a guy shows you that he's truly interested in who you are -- reflected in his asking questions like, "So, who are your favorite authors?" as opposed to, "Say, can you put your feet behind your head?"
Having sex can leave a woman with a belly of "OMG. How the hell do I pay for orthodontia, rehab, and grad school?" Because of this, female emotions evolved to make women feel unhappy or ambivalent about having sex in the absence of signs a guy cares about them (and will stick around and "invest"). However, men's standards for sex partners tend to be, um, lower: along the lines of, "So, are you female?" (if the man asking is solidly straight) -- and in a pinch: "Are you at least a mammal?"
When the evolved "sexual strategy" that's typically optimal for one sex -- like women taking it slowly -- conflicts with that of the other, "strategic interference" like deception often ensues, explains evolutionary psychologist David Buss. Men feigning commitment to get sex is an example of this. However, with the evolution of this strategy, a deception-circumventing counterstrategy co-evolved in women: defaulting to the assumption they're being conned into bed until proven otherwise.
Chances are the guy's little "where's my sex?!" tantrum resulted from his getting impatient and fed up and falling out of strategic pretendo mode. Buss explains that our emotions are our first line of defense against strategic interference, and right on cue, yours were all "You pig!"
Regarding why the guy's back, he might be bored or desperate -- or think he made a mistake. It's possible he misses you and wants another chance. If you're open to giving him one, make it clear that if he's just looking for a hookup, he's in the wrong place. As for when you might have sex with him, if ever, it'll happen when it happens. (Your vagina is not on a preset timer like a bomb.)
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
September 23, 2021My relationship with a man I'd been dating was getting serious. His previous relationship ended when his girlfriend dumped him. Last month, he ran into her and told her he was seeing me. She began crying and begged him to take her back. He was torn about what to do. I told him his feelings for her weren't romantic but stemmed from a sense of obligation, and that he should be angry at her for trying to make him feel bad about moving on with someone else. He still went back to her, and now they're engaged. I'm furious. Why would he choose to be with someone who dumped him? He could've moved forward with someone who really cares, with whom he could have a relationship based on love, not guilt (over making this other woman cry). How can I prevent this from happening to me again?
--Outraged
We sometimes explain things to ourselves in ways that don't so much lay out the facts as provide an airbag for our feelings. Take a question I often hear from readers: "Why did he/she stop returning my calls?" Helpfully, many suggest the most likely explanation right in their email; something like, "I just know they were kidnapped by the Russian mob." Right. And they're probably still tied up in an abandoned warehouse, being tortured till they give in -- agree to withdraw and hand over the entire $36.72 in their checking account.
Though female tears can be a sort of kryptonite for straight men, I'm sorry to say it's unlikely this other woman's boohoos and a sense of obligation on your guy's part mind-controlled him into going back to her.
There's this notion that relationships simply involve two people who love each other making each other happy. Supposedly, once you've got that, it's all cartoon birdies, butterflies, and flowers till you're both sleeping out eternity in side by side cemetery plots.
In fact, the human mind evolved to have a built-in accounting department. Its jobs include preventing us from being "all give" to some "all take" sociobro, which, for ancestral humans, would've posed survival issues. In the mating sphere, our inner accountant continually calculates our mate value and that of our partner (or prospective partner), gauging whether we're selling ourselves short -- or whether our partner's likely to come to that conclusion about being involved with us.
Chances are when your guy was with this other woman the first time around, he felt out of his league -- perhaps sensing that, on a one-to-10 scale, he's, say, a 6 to her 8.9. If this was the case, he probably acted somewhat needy and clingy: qualities that are not exactly ladybait. She, in turn, probably sensed she could do better and put him out on the curb.
But then something changed that changed him: He got a woman (you) who made him feel loved and wanted, which likely shifted his demeanor from needy-clingy to comfortably confident. Assuming this was what went on, you basically provided him with the romantic version of going to the grocery store on a full stomach to avoid standing weeping in the doughnut aisle.
Additionally, though it's unlikely the guy planned this, you probably served as bait to bring his girlfriend back. Social psychologists Jessica Parker and Melissa Burkley find that single women (but not those in relationships) rate a man as "significantly" more desirable and pursuit-worthy when they're told he's taken.
"This may be because an attached man" has been "'pre-screened' by another woman," speculate Parker and Burkley. This "pre-screening" is a form of "social proof," a term coined by social psychologist Robert Cialdini. We sometimes decide what we should value based on what other people value. In this case, your finding the guy boyfriend-worthy might've led his ex to think, "Uh-oh...I made a mistake dumping him."
Of course you're hurt and disappointed. But it sounds like you also feel cheated to some degree, like something you deserve was stolen from you. There's a tendency to think love should be "fair," meaning whatever you put into a relationship, you're owed in return. In fact, people in relationships ultimately act in their self-interest. That sometimes involves dumping the partner who's done nothing but love them for the partner who dumped them but is willing to take them back.
Understanding this is no guarantee you won't get hurt. However, if you're realistic about love -- recognizing that you can't expect it to be fair -- and about the danger from potential mate poachers, you might have a shot at amping up your game and fending them off. To be on the alert for them, keep in mind the physical features that make a man especially attractive to a single woman on the prowl: broad shoulders, a chiseled jaw, and big perky boobs on the girlfriend sitting on his lap.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I'm a 28-year-old woman. My boyfriend of three months is a great person, and I started to think he might be The One. However, he got a new haircut -- one that had him using excessive gel. Looking at him, I felt a wave of revulsion and needed to get away...permanently. I don't understand the sudden change in my feelings.
--Disgusted
You, like many women, want a man who appears to have the grooming routine of a golden lab: running across the lawn when the sprinklers are on and then shaking off.
Many women find it disturbing when a man spends more time in the bathroom or uses more "product" than they do. Evolutionary psychology research suggests we women evolved to seek a man who will protect us -- as opposed to one who'll fight us to the death for the last of our poshbrand conditioner.
Sure, hair gel could be the "gateway" goop to your dude dolling up with Fenty eyeshadow, contour foundation, and sparkly self-tanner by the weekend. But chances are he just went heavy on the stuff because he's a first-timer at using it.
And chances are your sudden extreme reaction is not about him but about you -- and probably your panicking at the prospect of commitment. Commitment involves finding not the perfect right person but a right enough person at the right time, observes clinical psychologist Judith Sills. Being ready for a relationship is a key factor. This requires getting yourself "sorted," as the Brits say, meaning developing both self-respect and self-acceptance, including a realistic and self-compassionate understanding of your limitations.
Sensing that you "could be lovable in the eyes of another person," leads to a shift, explains Sills. "You stop being so critical of a potential partner's shortcomings and begin to appreciate his or her strengths." This doesn't mean you are "without anxiety or ambivalence" -- wanting and not wanting a relationship at the same time -- but readiness for a relationship helps you push through those feelings.
If you aren't yet ready, you should make that clear to men you date. If becoming ready will require some personal development work, you might want to hop on that. In general, the more "up there" in years women get, the more they find their standards for a partner in need of relaxing -- in the direction of "not currently incarcerated and has at least a weak pulse."
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
My male roommate began having women over for one-night stands almost daily, even meeting one for the first time at our apartment with no heads-up for me. I'm a woman and very careful about whom I have over: usually only friends I've known for a while. I'm uncomfortable having my space constantly intruded on by strangers, but he seems surprisingly unaware of this.
--Unsettled
You need a needlepoint for the kitchen wall: "Home sweet sex den."
People who live with roommates tend to make allowances for the occasional drunken hookup -- even those that end with some stranger in their kitchen drinking their OJ out of the carton. However, when there's a new hookuperella every few mornings, it crosses a line.
It's a shared space. You agreed to share it with your roommate, not your roommate and half of local female Tinder. His behavior calls to mind "the tragedy of the commons," ecologist Garrett Hardin's term for individuals with access to a shared space trashing it or taking more than their fair share of resources, ruining it for everyone. Hardin was referring to public land and, say, one farmer letting his sheep eat all the communal grass, leaving only dirt for the other farmers' hungry sheep, but it seems to apply to your situation.
Granted, the resources being depleted here are not tangible (grabbable, like grass). However, they're highly valuable and are generally understood to be benefits of renting an apartment -- including a level of privacy and the sanctity (aka safety) of "home" and the peace of mind that comes with each of these.
Now, it could be argued that no guest policy was spelled out. However, most people know roommates won't be happy with a revolving cast of sex-providing strangers marching through their home. Chances are your roommate is counting on your being too uncomfortable to speak up -- which means there's no reason for him to stop.
Explain how unsettling it is for you to constantly have these strangers in your place -- people he barely knows -- and ask him to think on it and propose a solution. Should he suggest, "You just hafta suck it up" or close, tell him straight up what you need (which might ultimately be "a new living situation"). If you wanted to encounter strangers in your kitchen at 6 a.m., you'd live in a bad neighborhood on the first floor and leave a window wide open.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
I'm a man in my 30s, and I'm looking to settle down and start a family. I was falling in love with the woman I've been seeing for six months, who seems lovely, intelligent, and kind. Recently, I arrived at her place early and overheard her arguing with her mother on the phone. She was yelling, swearing, and being very nasty. I'm close to my parents and can't conceive of speaking to them this way. She never mentions her parents, beyond saying she isn't close with her mother. She's only been sweet and doting to me, and she seems well-liked by her friends and co-workers. Could she have hidden anger issues?
--Shocked
"Till death do us part" tends to come earlier than expected if your wife's idea of marital compromise is either you say, "Yes, Dear" or she garrotes you with the wire on a cat toy.
It's understandable you're worried there's a rage-filled, profanity-spewing ladymonster just under the sweet girlfriend veneer. However, because someone expresses anger in an ugly way at another person doesn't necessarily mean: 1. They are out of control; or 2. They will express themselves this way with everyone. (To be fair, it can mean one or both of these things.)
Anger often gets a bum rap, demonized as a "toxic," "negative" emotion. Aristotle knew better, suggesting only fools never get angry (though he didn't get into the subject of screaming a string of profanities at Mom). Our emotions, including so-called negative emotions like anger, are our protectors: motivating us to act in ways that make us more likely to survive, mate, and pass on our genes. For example, anger surges in us when we perceive that another person is treating us unfairly: shorting us on what we feel entitled to -- whether money, love, respect, or our fair share of cake.
Anger seems to function as a bargaining tool to incentivize better treatment, explains evolutionary psychologist Aaron Sell and his colleagues. "Acts or signals of anger" communicate that unless the other person mends their unfair ways, we might "inflict costs" (maybe go all screaming maniac on them) or "withdraw benefits" (possibly exile them from our circle of friends). This suggests it might be in their interest to "recalibrate" their behavior in our favor: stop being so disrespectful, stingy, and/or cake-hoggy.
Anger as a selective "hey, don't do me like that!" tool is different from anger as a way of being: "high trait anger," a chronically angry disposition. People with this disposition have "a short fuse," flying into a rage at the slightest provocation, explains evolutionary social psychology researcher Julie Fitness. They see the world and others in narrow terms -- "right" or "wrong" -- and are grievance hunters, ever on the lookout for "apparent injustice." They are quick to lash out and blame others when things don't go perfectly, and in relationships, they create a "climate of fear and loathing, with anger or the threat of it serving to intimidate and control" their partner.
If your girlfriend were this sort of person, wouldn't you know? One could argue she might be a scary-explody person who's managed to hide her true nature. That seems unlikely, given how the chronically angry tend to see a sick plot against them if the diner gives them three less raisins on their oatmeal than the guy at the next table.
You're shocked -- partly because you wouldn't talk to your parents this way. Consider the possibility that your girlfriend has a different sort of parent: unloving and toxic. And consider a reason people jack up the volume and ugliness: They repeatedly perceive they aren't being heard. (This is especially painful if you're speaking to your parent and they have a history of being physically present but emotionally vacant.)
If your girlfriend feels like an unloved daughter (or some shade of that), she might be ashamed of it and see it as something to hide. She might suspect there was something wrong with her, unlovable about her (rather than understanding her mother as broken: unwilling or unable to be loving in the way every kid needs from their mother).
To encourage your girlfriend to open up to you, ask about her mom in a way that suggests she should redirect any shame she might be feeling. Tell her you feel bad her mom seems to be a continuing source of pain for her and that she deserved -- and deserves -- better. Getting her to talk about her relationship with her mother -- plus observing, over a few months, how she reacts in tough situations -- should help you figure out whether there are any big red flags. As the saying goes: "Love is never having to scream, 'I will end you! And then bury you in 36 pieces in a shallow grave!'"
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
A guy I know grates on me because he only has female friends. He apparently tried to get involved with each of them at some point but got rejected. Why doesn't he find male friends instead of preying on women (under the guise of friendship) who probably trust him not to hit on them?
--Disgusted
This guy probably lives in eternal hope about each female friend, dreaming of the day he can be of service when she drops something on his floor -- like her panties.
Though you don't mention him trying to roofie his dreams into reality, his behavior probably "grates" on you because you take a less sexually opportunistic approach to your friendships with men. We humans "are disposed ... to imagine that other minds are much like our own," explains anthropologist Donald Symons, and they often are. However, we're prone to assume they should be like our own, so when someone thinks differently, we tend to see them as wrong (and maybe kind of awful) and not just different.
Men and women (and male and female minds) are more alike than different. However, our differing physiologies -- like which sex gets pregnant and needs to guard against having to raise a kid solo -- led to the evolution of psychological differences, like women's greater choosiness in whom they'll have sex with. Though both men and women sometimes tumble into bed with their opposite-sex friends, for many men, the friendship zone seems to double as a "well, try your best to turn her into a sexfriend!" zone.
Evolutionary psychologist April Bleske-Rechek, researching sex differences in how people perceive their opposite-sex friends, finds that a man is more likely to define a female friend as someone he's attracted to "and would pursue given the opportunity," while a woman is more likely to define a male friend simply as "a friend of the opposite sex."
Maybe you think friendship should be a "safe space," guaranteed to remain endlessly platonic. And maybe that's unrealistic -- unless you avoid having friends who might hit on you. You could try to view this guy's behavior in a more compassionate light. Chances are he's a beta male who can't compete with the alphas in the normal mating sphere, like on Tinder or at parties. He's probably doing the best he can with the one edge he has, the scheme-y smarts to surround himself with a bunch of pretty ladies. (Living in a dude-filled monastery only works for a guy whose pet name for his beloved is "The Almighty.")
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
My ex cheated on me and conned me financially, but before I realized this, I had really fallen for him. I miss him and keep thinking about him every day, and I can't seem to stop. A friend suggested I get a spell from a witchcraft store. She insists this helped her have closure after her bad breakup. I'm a rational person, and this sounds completely ridiculous, but nothing I've tried (from meditation to venting to total strangers to dating other people) has helped. Please tell me this is completely stupid.
--Plagued
It's a tempting idea, the notion that you can solve your lingering emotional issues via retail, a la "Curses: Today only, two for $19.99!"
In fact, a ritual -- such as casting a spell or hockey player Stephan Lebeau always chewing 20 to 25 pieces of gum and spitting them out two minutes before faceoff -- can have a positive effect. I know this sounds rather cuckoopants; however, it isn't because the ritual works in any supernatural way.
A ritual, explains Harvard Business School professor Francesca Gino, is some "symbolic activity" you perform in hopes of making something happen. Gino finds that performing rituals leads to "increased feelings of control." This can help the ritual-doer calm down and be more in control. Amazingly, even those who think the ritual they're doing is total hooey experience this benefit -- what I'd call the abracadabra placebo effect. Our psychology seems tuned to figure if we're taking some action, it's for a reason: to make things better.
You might create an eviction ritual to get the guy out of your head. I suggest writing the story of your relationship, including what you learned that will help you avoid entanglements with future Mr. Rottens. Psychologist James Pennebaker finds that "expressive writing" -- even 15 minutes spent describing the emotional impact of a bad experience -- helps us reinterpret and make sense of what happened so we can go forward instead of endlessly rechewing the past. Invite a friend over (or dress up your cat) to bear witness, and then say a few words, light the story on fire, and flush the ashes. This should help you accept it's over, though, admittedly, without the finality of the day of celebration you probably think the guy deserves: Casual Human Sacrifice Friday.
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
