They Love Me Not, They Love Me Not
I like letters from people who like my column, but I looove letters from people who loathe it:
10/5/2003Dear Miss Alkaline Amy,
It pleases me that you so enjoy your ready-made platform to spew vitriol, -and of your obvious talent for it there is no doubt. We picture you in a subsidized housing environment, killing roaches, and shooting daggers at any unfortunate neighbors you meet on the stairwells.
When one develops a rancid and humungous boil, the preferred treatment is to lance it, and follow-up with antibiotics, if indicated. We fear yours has taken a nasty turn and burst inward, -hence the pus that permeates your spittle amidst your weekly printed rants.
Obviously you think highly of yourself, and believe you have found your niche. Too bad it is so angry, arrogant, and dead.
Why does your anger rule you? You may now burn this.
-Anonymous: Spokane, WA
UPDATE: Hilariously, before I even posted this on the site, I stuffed the letter into my "Amy's Favorite Hate Mail" folder, and noticed that the handwriting was the same as the handwriting on another recent letter -- a letter the sender remembered to sign before sending! Here's my blog post about it:
A Big Fan Of My "Fleeting Whiffs Of Compassion"
From the early June mail pile, a letter from somebody who likes her advice a little more Dear Abby:6/06/03
Hey, Alkali Amy,
Hope you get your bitter rocks off in your column, at least incrementally (sic) weak by week -- so you can sometime look forward to a more likable you. The acidity that bleeds out of your offal is ultimately more sad than anything. Because once in a while you slip and give off a fleeting whiff of compassion.
To better ways and better days,
L.C., Spokane, WA
The acidity that bleeds out of your offal? "I think there's an ointment for that," says Treacher.
Since I had the anonymous writer's full name from this previous letter (although I felt sorry for her and only printed her initials), I googled her e-mail address and sent her a thank you for "the hilarious letter." Serial hate mail! It means so much to me when they despise me enough to go to all that repeated effort.
If you want to keep only one of these for your "Love Letters" section on this page, personally, I would do away with the first one, and keep the second. I like it better, particularly the sections about "subsidized housing" and "shooting daggers" at your neighbors.
You know, Amy, you keep doing that, you're going to run out of neighbors and the police are going to catch up with you. I'd make it easy on yourself and confess to the stabbings you've already committed. Maybe you'll only get life without parole instead of the gas chamber.
Patrick at October 14, 2003 5:22 AM
Subsidized housing...I wish! But why stop there? Subsidized champagne and caviar, subsidized $700 shoes, subsidized first class trips to Paris. Now, please don't misunderstand -- I'm not for welfare or anything -- just welfare for...MEeeeE!
Amy Alkon at October 14, 2003 6:22 AM
You have to feel accomplished when you have affected somebody *so much* that they write you a letter. I envy you. I have only gotten one peice of hate mail from my blog... it wasnt even snail mail....
http://vance.talkinbout.us/topics/Hate%20Mail/index.aspx
But... it DID have a hilariously lame 90210 reference.
Action Vance at October 14, 2003 7:21 PM
That's some funny hate mail. And I'm from Spokane which, for me, makes it even funnier. And it makes it even funnier, to me, when people take the time to KEEP reading something that they hate enough to write an actual letter about.
I also like the idea that your platform was "ready-made", like you just walked into the unemployment office one day and saw it posted on the job board. Silly.
Riboflavin at October 14, 2003 7:40 PM
It's especially hilarious, considering I started in this "business" by giving free advice on the street corner in Soho, in 1988, with two other women...three Salvation army folding chairs, an upturned magazine rack for a table, and a sign that read "Free Advice From A Panel Of Experts." I made the sign -- nobody else could make it quite as badly as I did.
Amy Alkon at October 14, 2003 9:16 PM
I'm curious now, Amy. Do you maintain contact with your former partners? If so, what do they say about your success and your columns?
Patrick at October 14, 2003 9:25 PM
I still see Marlowe whenever I'm in New York -- just saw her last week, in fact. I haven't heard from Caroline for years.
Amy Alkon at October 15, 2003 12:44 AM
Fantastic. I love it when people use really obscure words like "offal", "vitriol", and "spittle", and then totally spoil the effect by excessive punctuation. Sounds like a frustrated Victorian pre-med hate-mail.
Oh. and not to get overly technical but you can't be both Alkali Amy and Acidic Amy at the same time. It really burns my onion when really santimonious types get stuff like this wrong.
Sicilicide
Sicilicide at October 16, 2003 11:44 PM
I wish I worked at a job where people criticized me in such a laughable form. Usually I just get a call to the boss's office. No hilarity ensues. The letter kinda reminds me of the joke about the woman who calls the police to complian because she can see her neighbors having sex. When they arrive and she shows them from the window they can't see anything. She replies "If you stand on the table you can." If this person had really paid attention while reading your columns, she would realize that behind the humor is good, solid adivce. Thank you Amy for making me laugh each week.
Sarah at October 20, 2003 9:11 AM
Too bad about how some people take things so seriously, especially themselves and their cherished belief systems...
Kim at October 22, 2003 12:03 PM