Alternative Theories of Evolution
Such as the Flying Spaghetti Monster theory.
We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.
You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.
I love this thing. I first saw it a few weeks ago. What the IDer's don't seem to get is the whole scientific method concept, and the definition of 'scientific theory' as opposed to popular theory/hypothosis/my guess is as good as yours/oh no it isn't. (fisticuffs ensue)
AdoringFan at August 12, 2005 9:20 AM
This is arrant nonsense. The Great Green Arkleseizure sneezed us out of His nose. Beware the coming of the Great White Handkerchief!
As an aside - the number of pirates has not gone down. It is still a big problem in the South Pacific and Indian oceans.
Radwaste at August 12, 2005 12:56 PM
All hail the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster! He's my new Higher Power.
Jeff R at August 12, 2005 2:49 PM
I agree with Rad-- pirates are still all over-- they're just savvier and sell their booty on ebay...
isa at August 13, 2005 11:11 AM
Flying Spaghetti Monster indeed. 10,000 followers bah humbug. I am the Great OZ a/k/a PT Barnum, the oracle of ID, knower of all things. Mostly I know that there are several billion blind deaf and dumb shaved monkeys (apologies to our simian cousins) out there pretending to be human (too damn lazy to open a science book), that took a thousand years more or less to crawl out of the dark ages, didn't learn a damn thing from the crawl and are perfectly willing to put us back into those intellectual days just because an ex drunk whacko, who think he talks to God , can't tell science from religion or philosophy, won a popularity poll of the fantastically stupid to get elected president. Worse, the Grand Inquisitor wants to make sure the next generation of naked apes has no hope of telling science from superstition. That makes it so much easier to burn a few books and then a few people. Does anyone out there think the Flying Spaghetti Monster could use a good agent???
ID Prime at August 14, 2005 12:56 AM
Oh, this is just too good. I think I've found my new church home! Thank you, Amy!
JenL at August 14, 2005 6:04 AM
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