Nearly Beloved
Her boyfriend of four years is still married. That's fine. She just gets a little ticked off when he mentions it at family gatherings. Here's an excerpt from my Advice Goddess column I just posted:

Nothing says “You’re the one!” quite like a marriage certificate inscribed with the name of the other “one.”

Marriage generally signifies a lifelong commitment to another person (unless the two people marrying are Hollywood stars, in which case, it may signify a weekend commitment). Remaining legally married to one woman is typically a major impediment to becoming the long-term, live-in boyfriend of another. While relationships do come in varying forms these days, a guy with an interest in spending all or part of the rest of his life with somebody would be wise (and kind) to first dispense with spending the rest of his life with somebody else.

Did you really need to wait for your boyfriend to rub your nose in his marital status to notice you were smelling something, and it wasn’t the April Fresh Scent of Downy? Perhaps there’s some compelling reason they’re still officially together -- like, if they divorce, the little girl won’t inherit Great Uncle Nutso’s bazillions. Or, perhaps it has more to do with the four years you’ve spent underreacting to their marriage, to the tune of Kumbaya. Evidently, you were fine with him having his cake, and your cake, too -- providing he didn’t advertise it: “Family, gather round, say hello to my mistress! Grandma, you remember my concubine?”

How lovely that you’re “good friends” with his wife. What do you two talk about, how he misses the bowl, and whether his herpes has cleared up yet? Obviously, relationship communism -- what’s yours is hers, and what’s hers is officially hers -- is a failed experiment. It’s one thing if you truly don’t care. It’s another thing entirely, if, between group hugs, you’re building up a Chernobyl-like core of resentment because you can’t even squeeze bigamy out of the guy.

The reader question and the rest of my answer are here.

Oh yeah, while we're at it, here's my second question from that week, All’s Fare In Love And War.

How much is too much on the first date? I’m fine with splurging on a woman I care about, just not a near stranger. Isn’t paying for romantic extras (flowers, expensive meals) before you know someone a bit ridiculous?

--Romance, Not Finance

The idea is getting to know a girl, not getting to know how she takes her caviar. The best way to do that is to invite her out for a drink, as opposed to squeezing questions between courses at some restaurant that charges a car payment for a plate of premature carrots. An ideal first date leaves her wanting more -- while providing you with a graceful out in case 10 minutes with her leaves you wanting less. A moderately priced evening is also less likely to make her feel pressured to have sex with you. (Note that feeling pressured and feeling compelled to follow through are two very different things.) And, yes, coffee is technically considered a drink, but remember, there may be a chance to go in for a little lip action at the end of a date. To tilt the odds in your favor, see to it that you won’t be making your move in the height of the afternoon in the parking lot next to Chuck E. Cheese’s.

©2005-2006, Amy Alkon, The Advice Goddess, all rights reserved.