Who Wears The Panties In The Family?
I got a question in my email about a guy who cross-dresses. Make that a married guy who likes to wear his wife’s panties. Married? Married? Yep, married.
Most cross-dressers, according the data I’ve read over the years, are married -- and hetero. There are actually two different kinds of cross-dressers: “periodic cross-dressers” (the married straight guy in a 3 piece suit and lacy lavender panties), and those who feel like women trapped in a man’s body, to one degree or another; the most extreme examples being the ones who don’t feel truly themselves until they get their weenies whacked off. (See Transamerica.)
The guys who sometimes get off sexually on going girly are the married heteros. For the gay drag queen, or the sex reassignment candidate, there’s no turn-on associated with getting into a girdle; it’s really just an expression of who he is -- or would like to be. Of course, some do express their inner girly-hood better than others. I'm suddenly reminded of the frightening photos of Dennis Rodman in drag Lena sent me recently. Dennis, dear, please refer to Trannie Rule Number One: False eyelashes and a 5-o’clock shadow do not mix.
What’s behind the propensity for straight guys to cross-dress? I’m going to talk to a cross-dressing friend of mine (who happens to not only be straight, but quite the girl-magnet). I’m also hoping to interview “Doctor Docter” later this week and see if he has a few clues (that’s Dr. Richard F. Docter, who, with Virginia Prince, did a recent survey of 1032 cross-dressers; an update on Prince’s 1972 report). Other cross-dressers, gay and straight, please feel free to contact me via email (at adviceamy-at-aol.com) with your take on it.
Regarding the sexual aspect, in response to Docter and Prince’s survey point, “Cross-dressing brings sexual excitement and orgasm,” 21 percent said “nearly always,” 19 percent said “often,” and 32 percent said “occasionally.” But 41 percent answered “frequently” as to whether they “enjoy wearing feminine items when orgasm is not feasible.” So, isn’t just a sexual thing. In fact, many heterosexual cross-dressers report that it gives them a feeling of calm, and diminishes their anxiety. (One man’s Prozac is another man’s pink lace thong!)
What’s sad is the way cross-dressing has been pathologized in the psychiatric literature as some kind of disease. There even used to be laws against it -- no, not against Annie Hall in a schlumpy suit and a tie, just against a man going out in, say, a prom dress. Think about it: women and gay men can wear whatever they want. But, if you’re a straight guy, forget it.
Now, granted, I’m not the girl who’s going to be into a guy who’s competing with me in the clearance bin at La Perla. Still, there are women out there who don’t seem to mind; for example, the one who wrote to me about her husband of five months who likes to wear her panties:
"...He does look kind of sexy in them, but I’m afraid it’s a little odd. He is in no way gay, he just says they feel good on his skin and make him feel closer to me. Is this crazy? Is this just a phase? Am I crazy for being okay with it?"
Hey, if she's comfortable with it, more power to her. Don't know if I would be...I don't think I'm that chill...
Lia at March 9, 2006 1:44 AM
One of my best friends is a fellow who used to cross-dress completely-- and go out with gal pals as a woman.
He doesn't any more, the urgency isn't there, and although his (gorgeous!) hair is still very very long, he also sports a tasteful goatee. He is a babe magnet. He could wear my satin panties any time.
Deirdre B. at March 9, 2006 5:09 AM
What about girls who like guys who wear girl's underwear? (And then set that phrase to a techno beat?) I sleep in boy's underwear sometimes, because they're comfortable, and no one confronts me about it or tells me they aren't "comfortable with it," so what's the big deal?
amh18057 at March 9, 2006 5:23 AM
Exactly! I bought Calvin Klein men's bike short'y underwear years ago (yes, long before it became last year's trend) and wore them to the gym (when I went to a gym). When I bought them, I didn't have to wear a wig and dark glasses.
PS I'm actually a little worried about answering this, because my column runs in a few dailies. I hate getting fired when they bow to letters from 12 little old ladies.
Amy Alkon at March 9, 2006 6:30 AM
I have worn my wife's or girlfriend's panties before. Sometimes they knew, sometimes not.
Like the writer's husband, I think they feel good against my skin. They are a turn on to wear. All day they remind me of the places on her that they touch and that I want to devour. God, its a little like that Almodovar film Talk to Her when the guy dreams of being small and crawling inside the woman's vagina. But enough about my little obsessions....
I am also an actor and have played many womens roles on stage and had to dress in the whole outfit: garter belt, girdle, bra, stockings and dress. That was in no way a turn on whatsoever. (Probably not for anyone watching either.)
As a woman, I look like Kathy Bates on steroids.
Anyway, enjoy it. If the sex afterwards is good, it should be no problem. If he comes home from work once in a while and can't wait to devour you, is there a down side?
Jim_M at March 9, 2006 7:58 AM
Where do you think the urge comes from? And do you think men who are into it typically like to be dominated?
For me, if people are enjoying sex, I don't care if the dress up like turkeys, as long as they don't wake the neighbors. (Especially if I am one of the neighbors.)
If more crossdressers can post here, I'd really appreciate it. On this post, and in general!
Amy Alkon at March 9, 2006 8:49 AM
Amy and Jim_M, I think you're on to something. I'm interested in hearing more about the desire to be dominated, to devour and crawl inside vaginas, and other freaky shit. "Feeling good against the skin" and "makes him feel closer to me" sounds like total bullshit, because there's plenty of men's underwear that "feels good" too. The guy wants to be a girl. He wants to be pretty, and he wants to be penetrated. He wants to be thrown down on the ground and fucked like the bitch that he is.
And so do I!
Lena at March 9, 2006 8:25 PM
"He wants to be pretty, and he wants to be penetrated."
Actually, I talked to a crossdressing friend today, and read a pile of the lit, and hetero crossdressers do want to be pretty, but most seem to stay and want to say on the breeder side of the fence.
Amy Alkon at March 9, 2006 11:09 PM
I think it's important to keep in mind the very real possibility of selection bias: Cross-dressing heteros who are willing to come forward and talk with scientists or journalists are likely to differ from the ones who are not willing to disclose. We can only speculate about the nature of those differences, but they probably have to do with socially desirable (vs. undesirable) traits. My guess is that we have very little data about the freaky-deaky "heteros."
Lena "Clitoris Scab" Cuisina at March 10, 2006 7:54 AM
You're absolutely right about the possibility of selection bias, as of, course, Prince and Docter's study is non-random.
Amy Alkon at March 10, 2006 8:06 AM
In the animal world it is the male that makes all pretty to attract the plain female. But the industrial revolution put an end to the wigs and stockings and lace that men used to wear. Putting silky panties on is a lot less expensive than buying a babemobile to impress the ladies but probably satisfies some innate inner need programmed deep in their genes. If you can find love and happiness in this world without victimizing anyone then it's a wonderful thing.
chicknlady at March 10, 2006 10:49 PM
part of it is the same desire some women feel to strap on a dildo and peg their boyfriends - discovering different "parts" of yourself. most of us, i believe, are mentally androgynous to different extents.
kittie at March 15, 2006 4:55 AM
I agree, wearing panties is a relaxing indever. I feel comfortable wearing, and it does shooth stress. At times there is a sexual conitation that can go along with wearing. I am presently reading " My Husband Betty".
Guyintouch at March 22, 2006 1:58 PM
I believe that a lot of married women are okay with their cross dressing husbands. It goes back to Freud and his theories on penis envy>>>
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Penis_envy
Mark at April 7, 2007 2:56 PM
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