Love Is A Barter Field
You sometimes find some true stories in The Onion.
This time, "Heather Barrs" is "ready for romance and all of its positive net gains!"
Relationships are a two-way street, and you can't expect to make them work unless you're willing to get out there and risk being hurt. Took me a long time to learn that, but now that I'm ready to open my heart to another person, it's only a matter of time before I find my soulmate. So look out, world, because I've got a whole lot of love to give to the first person who can match that love with a similar offer or its equivalent in luxury items, birthday and anniversary presents, or cash.I will also accept a biweekly series of dinners at fashionable yet intimate restaurants.
I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic. When I see a handsome man with sparkling baby blues, it's no time before I fall head over heels and offer him an impressive six-month infatuation package for 2 percent over market price. I can't help myself! Anyone who knows me knows I'm the kind of girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and doesn't mind haggling for a better deal on growing old together.
As they say, 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have swapped one's undying affection for having someone around during the holidays.
...Just look into my eyes and you'll know we were born to engage in a mutually beneficial transaction together.
An old boyfriend kept calling me complaining that some girl or other was screaming and pounding on his door at 3am. They thought he was relationship material. He did want a relationship, but he couldn't find anybody who was quite right. So, he slept with girls and they all got the idea that they were on their way to a relationship with him -- until it became clear they weren't and the door banging and threats to burn the building down began.
I finally advised him to date hookers. I see it as a fair, free-market exchange. Much more above-board than the basis of many relationships.
He finally listened to me, and called a Brazilian escort service. And then he called me to complain: Why didn't I make him do it sooner?
"I finally advised him to date hookers. I see it as a fair, free-market exchange."
It is indeed a fair, free market exchange, but why pay for it when he can get it for free? Plus he gets the added spice of midnight death threats to keep things interesting.
Snoop-Diggity-DANG-Dawg at January 29, 2008 4:57 AM
It's more ethical to pay for it than to fool girls into thinking he'd be their boyfriend.
Moreover, I'd say it isn't "free" if the girls are banging on your door in the middle of the night rather regularly, threatening to burn your building down. New York is rather like the African plain in the Pleistocene. You don't want to have the tribe (your neighbors, in this case) have good cause to kick you out into the wild that is the NYC apartment market.
Amy Alkon at January 29, 2008 5:15 AM
Got that right, Amy. Have you any idea how many women do exactly that (bang on guys's doors in the middle of the night) out of sheer desperation? One of my dearest friends was at a point in her life where she was so desperate to have a man in her life, she would regularly go to the local bar and get totally wasted, pick up anything with a dick and 2 legs, and was getting a really bad rep. I told her one night, "look, desperation is not pretty. Guys can smell it a mile away, and if they're assholes, they're gonna take advantage. Chill out, fer chrissakes, for a while. Stop going out and making a fool of yourself, and the right guy will come along. You're doing this for all the wrong reasons." When she finally figured it all out (and it took a long friggin' time), she hooked up with a pretty decent guy. She realized she had to work on herself first, and then she could think about adding someone else to the mix. Some women just don't get that you can't force someone to love you. It doesn't work that way. Some women, unfortunately, never get it.
Flynne at January 29, 2008 5:47 AM
Flynne's got it right. I'd only add that women really, really need to stop thinking of guys as knights in shining armor. My grandson likes to be called a knight but then he's only four. You want a man, not a boy, get realistic about what a man is and look for a companion, not a superhero that takes on the world for you. Geesh!
Donna at January 29, 2008 6:15 AM
Amy, I try not be be a hair-splitter, but I respectfully submit that women talk themselves into believing the guy they just slept with is now a committed boyfriend.
Obi Wan notwithstanding, we're not very good with the whole 'Jedi mind trick'.
Snoop-Diggity-DANG-Dawg at January 29, 2008 6:28 AM
Amy, I try not be be a hair-splitter, but I respectfully submit that women talk themselves into believing the guy they just slept with is now a committed boyfriend.
Snoop3D, this is absolutely true of some women, but not all. I think some guys think the same about women, too, sometimes. YMMV
Flynne at January 29, 2008 7:02 AM
It's said that a man doesn't pay a hooker to stay in bed with him but rather to leave when it's over.
I'll never understand this kind of defensiveness. Of course we're dealing with generalizations here. But not all generalizations are equal. Let's be real, in general women tend to invest more into sex than men. Your desire to defend obscures a useful observation by Snoop.
As an aside, there is a kind of economics at play in normal dating. Mostly, men entertain women. That is they spend money on dates. Despite what many women want to believe, men make rational economic choices about how they spend their dating cash.
On many occasions, I've asked women what they think men get back from the expense of dating. Usually they smile coyly and say something like, "Do I need to tell you?" Of course, they mean sex. Women seem to think dating is a trade for sex, or at least a trade for the prospect of sex.
And this is indeed how it works in the eyes of many men. Most women approach dating as if they were a one women escort service. It's just that the cash is one step removed, a barter transaction, entertainment for sex.
Yet still there is that annoying little fact for most women --- they tend invest more into sex than they intend. At least a Brazilian prostitute isn't deluding herself.
Jeff at January 29, 2008 7:43 AM
OK, so where do I find such a service that won't have Johnny Law stealing my car and putting me in jail?
brian at January 29, 2008 10:13 AM
Brain: Given where you live (same state as me) take a look at Rhode Island laws and then go to craigs list.
vlad at January 29, 2008 10:45 AM
Weel brian in many states it is only illegal if cash changes hands.
I have a freind how has a deal worked out with a pawn shop owner.
He pawns something, give the hooker the claim, the pawn shop owner buys back the claim and the guy buys back his watch.
Ofcourse it only works if you trust the hooker and the shopowner - its been working for him for yrs
But the simpelst thing to do would be give easilly pawnable goods which are the cash equivelent
lujlp at January 29, 2008 10:48 AM
Another esy way around the law is to film it, and have them sign an "acting" contract
lujlp at January 29, 2008 10:55 AM
Vacation in Las Vegas.
vlad at January 29, 2008 11:14 AM
Yea, but for most people that includeds tickets and hotel rooms
lujlp at January 29, 2008 11:19 AM
Beware of Craigs list. Vice cops have been using that site to bust both hookers and johns.
Personally, I wouldn't give 20 cents to jump someones bones who just wanted you to hurry up and get off.
When I was in the Navy and we used to go to southeast asia, we would stop into a nice port like Patong Beach Thailand for a week or so. Instead of going out and getting drunk and fooling around with a different girl every night, there were those of us smarter guys who would talk to a few of them, find one we really liked, and get her to stay with us for the whole week. She would stay with you at your hotel, go out to dinner, go to the beach, and show you the town at night. This was a much better arrangement for both parties, the girls would just love it because it was more like a vacation for them too.
I met a stripper in Ocean Beach who worked in Anchorage Alaska. She was in SoCal for about four months to finish some courses she needed for her degree. She said she needed a place to stay so we worked out a deal. She stayed with me for four months, we fooled around once in a while, and she kicked in some money here and there for groceries and such. (She used to go out and work a club once in a while and bring me a roll of dollar bills about the size of a softball the next day.) She got her courses done and left and we both had a good winter.
I kinda like the idea of planned temporary relationships. What if there was a web site for such a thing? If I saw a woman on there who just wanted to spend a couple of months in San Diego, I'd be interested. Hmmmm.
Bikerken at January 29, 2008 2:09 PM
Welcome to the future, boys and girls! Boys want the milk, girls want them to take the cow -- eventually. Trouble for girls is, there's just so much milk available. The more desperate they get, the more is available. For men, it's a buyer's market indeed. Besides, why get into "relationships" with girls? That might just lead to the temptation to oppress them with our toxic masculinity. Better for everyone concerned that men just get in, get the milk, and get out, right? Right?
Jay R at January 29, 2008 2:22 PM
It baffles me that it's illegal in most states to sell something that's perfectly legal to give away free.
Bad Kitty at January 29, 2008 3:19 PM
Bad Kitty:
That's because prostitution is bad for the marriage and divorce industries.
The sharp decline in marriage as it is indicates that men aren't terribly keen on the institution. Make prostitution completely legal and stigma-free, and the only men who will be getting married are the ones that are really hip to breed.
Go to nomarriage.com. He's done the math. Prostitutes are cheaper than divorce.
brian at January 29, 2008 3:32 PM
Vacation in Las Vegas.
Just so you know: Las Vegas is located in the only county in Nevada where prostitution isn't legal.
Rex Little at January 29, 2008 3:36 PM
I don't know if any of you heard this, but last year was the first year in eons that unmarried adults outnumbered married adults in the US. Marriage has been dropping off the chart in the US and I think that's a shame because marriage is good for kids if it keeps a mom and dad in the house. I'm too old to even think about having kids. I'd be open to getting married again, but it would have to be a real exceptionally......... tolerant, woman.
Bikerken at January 29, 2008 4:26 PM
I read these comments and suddenly those matchmaking websites make sense. It is market differentiation.
Mike S at January 29, 2008 5:12 PM
> the only county in Nevada where
> prostitution isn't legal
But at the conference last year, just outside the Wynn, I got approached by this sweet little thing... Half my age, half my weight. I thought she liked me! And now you're saying that she was a law enforcement officer, the kind trained to identify and approach socially marginal broadcasting functionaries during their tax-deductible playtime?
The heart's breaking over here.
Crid at January 29, 2008 5:46 PM
What, did you think your mouthwash was just REALLY working Crid. LOL
Whenever some girl half my age starts coming on to me, I start looking around. But I can sense if they're full of shit in a heartbeat. It's just so hard for women to fake that. Men don't ever have to fake anything because they would screw a rattlesnake if you held it's mouth open.
In the summertime down at the beach, I get girls all the time asking me to take them for a ride up the beach on my big red harley. They really do like that, so I know it's pretty sincere.
I tend to travel a lot, and if I'm in a hotel on business, and I'm wearing a suit and some 25 year old honey starts making eyes at me in the lobby bar, I look behind around to see what's really going on here. There's been a couple of times where I knew I was getting set up for a mugging or hotel room robbery. It never happens while I'm wearing my leathers. If I'm in town for a bike week, like Laughlin, they don't play those games with bikers, at all. Gee, wonder why? I was in Laughlin when they had that big shootout in 02. What a couple of days that was!
American hookers are probably the worst in the world. After being raised as little princesses, they generally aren't too friendly, which makes a difference. Singapore and Thailand are the best. Austrailia is great, but you don't have to pay. Aussie men treat women like so much shit, they will pay to take you out and screw you. No kidding. I went to Bunbury Austrailia in 79 and there were 265 men on the ship and 2500 women waiting on the pier. I hooked up with a pair of sisters. Who needed hookers. Hooking in Austrailia is like selling water in Holland.
Bikerken at January 29, 2008 8:41 PM
Brian -
The sharp decline in marriage as it is indicates that men aren't terribly keen on the institution.
Actually, it has been speculated by many, that the real reason is that the women don't really seem so keen any more. Makes a lot of sense really. A lot of men will basically do what's expected of them and marry a women, if the relationship goes that direction. These days the women generally avoid going that direction.
DuWayne at January 29, 2008 9:26 PM
D -
Although the plural of anecdote is still not data, that's not been what I've noticed. In Japan, that appears to be the case. Maybe in pockets here in the US. But I suspect I'm closer to the general trend.
From what I'm seeing in my social circle, the guys - if they marry at all - are doing so in their late 30s. Most of my friends are single. We're all geeks, natch. But I don't think there's more than one or two that are even interested in a relationship, much less marriage. It's considered "too much like work" to bother with.
And that's where I am. It's too much effort to maintain a relationship with a woman for the potential access to sex. If prostitution were legal, and not a gamble with death, I'd consider going that route. But otherwise, my attitude is "who needs sex?"
brian at January 29, 2008 9:44 PM
I had my own real life Onion moment tonight.
As for hookers, if my husband were needing something that I didn't provide sexually, I'd prefer he see a hooker over a girlfriend type affair.
miche at January 29, 2008 10:53 PM
Prager used to ask his female listeners: Would you prefer your husband confess to sleeping with a bimbo at a conference six months ago, or confess to six months of weekly, intimate but non-sexual dinners with a lady friend?
Most took the bimbo.
Crid at January 30, 2008 12:25 AM
"So look out, world, because I've got a whole lot of love to give to the first person who can match that love with a similar offer or its equivalent in luxury items, birthday and anniversary presents, or cash."
I'd suggest your "love" would be worth as much as tennis players find it to be.
gwallan at January 30, 2008 5:01 AM
Interesting. It makes sense, though. American woman also make the worst mates in the world for the same reason. I had a similar experience in Australia. The women in Oz actually like men, and when they say they want a partner they don't mean "call me a partner, but you do everything" like American women.
If a guy was only going to take one piece of dating advice, I'd say just stop dating American women. They're inferior, plain and simple.
Jeff at January 31, 2008 3:48 PM
>If a guy was only going to take one piece of dating advice, I'd say just stop dating American women. They're inferior, plain and simple.
Yes, Jeff. It's not your personal relationship choices that are inferior, it's all the women of America.
Kimberly at January 31, 2008 10:31 PM
OMG! I'm generalizing. About women. Horror!
Seriously, do you honestly believe that culture doesn't matter? Do you honestly believe that we can't generalize about cultural practices? Do you honestly believe that we can't evaluate and judge some cultural practices a more or less beneficial than others?
The decision that American women are inferior as mates is a personal relationship choice. It's informed by both anecdotal experience and by statistical facts.
Jeff at February 1, 2008 8:52 AM
I'm not a cultural relativist, Jeff. I'm not sure how you got that I am from my comment. Unlike your friends at AWS, I don't happen to share your belief that American women are inferior. America's not perfect, but I prefer it to any other country I've been to.
I do believe that you pick mates poorly, and judge American women harshly because of your own poor choices. Then you have fun bitching about us with like-minded friends while extolling the virtues of man-pleasing Asian/Russian/East-European women. None of whom, I'm sure, simply are willing to do anything to join this "inferior" culture.
Kimberly at February 1, 2008 8:02 PM
The only thing American men do is bitch, and it only takes about five minutes before it all starts to sound the same. Now you wouldn't suggest that I can't generalize about cultures without taking it personally, would you?
Obviously American men are just feeling left out because American women are succeeding in life so much more. American women are outnumbering men in colleges by the drove, so pretty soon they will be earning more, too. And they can already get the children they want (if they want them) by divorcing some poor bastard and soaking him for alimony and child support (SUCKERS!) so now we have to listen to their emasculated selves whine incessantly. They are just like southern aristocracy after slavery was abolished - they aren't on top any more and they don't like it. Of course I don't direct this at anyone personally! This is all about looking objectively at cultural practices and acknowledging which ones are superior!
Or maybe American men just have hang-ups about their small penisis. I hear Russian guys are hung like bulls, hence my trip to Moscow next month after I get my Botox treatment, financed by my ex's alimony payments.
Pirate Jo at February 4, 2008 12:11 PM
Pido disculpas porque una vez más he tocado una tecla inadecuada y me ha saltado parte del post. No lo entiendan como que quiero castigarles a leer dos veces una misma cosa. Por favor.
Bethany beach house rentals at April 26, 2011 9:52 PM
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