Husband And Knife
I just posted the most unbelievable letter, and my reponse to it, in my Advice Goddess columns section. Here's the letter:
It took me two years to get a divorce from my husband, a jerk I was married to for only 13 months, after knowing him for just nine weeks. (I was 38 and increasingly desperate to get married and have a baby.) I basically gave up on "equitable distribution" because I ran out of steam, but he agreed in our divorce decree and in court, under oath, to give me $7,000 of his retirement monies. Two years and numerous legal letters later, he has yet to comply. Meanwhile, he just published his first novel and is doing readings at local bookstores. I'd like to show up at the last one, and when he's done, stand up and ask when he plans to pay me. So...out of curiosity, what would you do? Looking forward to a pithy response!--Plotting
An excerpt from my response:
"Equitable distribution" after 13 months and no kids? To me, it's a wave goodbye. But, he signed off on giving you that $7K, so he should pony up. And sure, try to get it, but factor in how much that's costing you, and maybe shift your focus to having a future of your own instead of destroying his. If you ever loved him, how do you behave this way? For real resolution, look to yourself: If he's such a bad guy, why did you marry him? What did you refuse to see? Hmmm, perhaps that the correct answer to "How do I love thee?" isn't "I'm 38 and increasingly desperate to get married and have a baby."
And for the record, I don't usually do this -- in fact, I've never done it -- but this horrible woman told me who her ex, the author, was in her e-mail, and I tracked down his e-mail address and wrote him, and asked him to call me immediately, which he did, as I had some important confidential information for him. He was most grateful that I told him, and put the bookstore on alert -- although the woman wrote me back after my first scathing response to her e-mail, and said she wasn't going to go through with it (disrupting his reading).
The entire entry is here, plus comments.
Amy,
Is it possible the frustration over your banking horror has knocked your judgment slightly askew?
I agree with the majority of the comments about the woman's greedy expectations. But the woman originally specifically explained to you that: "I'd like to show up at the last [bookstore reading], and when he's done, stand up and ask when he plans to pay me. So...out of curiosity, what would you do?"
She wasn't given notice of an action. She was initially confessing to entertaining a vindictive desire.
It seems to me your own unusual interference assumed - oddly - she would definitely carry things through?
Jody Tresidder at July 9, 2008 11:05 AM
It's always painful to agree with Tressider, but she's at least kinda right about this. Isn't there a Star Trek/Captain Kirk-style Prime Directive taught at the Advice Academy, about how you're not permitted to interfere with the development of primitive life forms, no matter how strong the temptation? The worst outcome would have been a weird moment at a booksigning. And I've never been to a booksigning that didn't have a weird moment. That's usually what you go to them for.
Phasers on stun. Uhuru!: Report to my quarters.
Crid [cridcridatgmail] at July 9, 2008 11:39 AM
Ok, yeah, I think you went over the line interfering there. She said what she'd "like" to do, not what she was going to do. I don't side with her actions, but she ought to be able to fantasize about scenarios without her ex being alerted about it. If she'd shown up, they could've handled it then. It's not like she said she was going to take a gun with her. I think your fellow-writer-nerve got pinched.
momof3 at July 9, 2008 12:00 PM
Actually, there was a great deal more than this edited version of the letter, and it seemed quite clear to me that she wasn't just fantasizing -- more so when she responded to my e-mail back to her.
Amy Alkon at July 9, 2008 12:52 PM
Amy you ned to find a way to disable comments for your advice sections here on the blog page, Its annoying to try and keep up with hwo conversations on the same subject on different pages
lujlp at July 9, 2008 2:00 PM
Naw, look at this guy: http://twitlive.tv/
He does 5 camera live tv from his house almost every day. (That link almost always has a rerun going if it's not a live show)
Sometimes he does broadcast radio, five camera TV + live remotes plus two chat rooms all at once. He has half as many viewers as MSNBC, and he does it for *pennies*.
Amy should be the first live video adviceblogger.
Crid at July 9, 2008 2:54 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2008/07/husband-and-kni.html#comment-1567321">comment from lujlpHey, thanks - great point -- will probably do that in the future.
In this case, however, there is the added bit of detail about the woman...so...this week's is perhaps unusual. But, I think, in the future, I'll do that most of the time (disable comments in one area).
Amy Alkon
at July 9, 2008 2:57 PM
Amy,
Well said... and said well.
Will you accept a cyber *huggs* for your level headed (or is clear headed) refusal to pander to socially correct male bashing?
Gunner Retired
Gunner Retired at July 9, 2008 5:44 PM
IF the LW was a guy who wanted to stalk, er, show up at his wife's reading, most commenters and Salon readers would suggest she call the police. Making a scene, stalking, harassment--is Amy supposed to condone this stuff?
Kate at July 9, 2008 6:36 PM
Amy, do these people who write to you not read your column? Because of course you are going to be right on the side of these self absorbed idiots who believes that life owes them a meal ticket.
Sigh. As usual life conspires to remind me that I'm surrounded by them, everywhere, at least THAT one hasn't spawned yet.
Sometimes I get a bit down about it all.
Simon Proctor at July 10, 2008 3:47 AM
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