Me? I like a girl who has experience. I'll leave the virgins (even 79 of them) for someone else. But 83 by age 26??? LOL, once I found out about the 83, it's time for the "it's not you it's me" excuse.

I understand the wisdom of judicious honesty, however, isn't she better off being up front and finding a guy who doesn't care about that robust number? Seems to me the guy who doesn't care would be better suited for her in the long run.

This story sorta reminds me of the movie Clerks. A boyfriend finds out from his girlfriend that she has slept with only 4 guys. He is feeling very good about her at that point. Later he finds out she didn't count guys she only gave oral sex to. When she tells him that number is 33 the boyfriend flips out.

Sigh, it was 37...

"... in a row?"

The comments later today should be interesting to read when I wake up. I'm especially looking forward to Crid. :p

Crid's one of 'em.

Pretend I'm smirking smugly, OK?... But in real life, women are repulsed by the harelip, the peg leg and the many odors. And the last 26-year-old was during the Clinton administration... It seemed appropriate. Speaking of which:

You know those "list" articles you see on the internet, 'The _X_ Greatest Whatevers', those annoying things where every page load takes forever because the magazine wants to get as many google ad points as they can?

Well, here's one of those, and it's a beaut.

#13 is a personal favorite because she looks so good in businesswear. Who's your favorite?

Anyway, this makes Clinton seem like just a beginner.

There is a time when one says "I really don't think that's important to our relationship". There are some things best kept to oneself. Or, in this case, 83 things...

I came clean about my sordid past early on. And while he did marry me, it DOES get thrown in my face during fights. Also, he flips out if I talk to guys he doesn't know, accusing me of flirting, and saying "In light of your past..."

Frankly, I think he's more likely to cheat than I am. I've already sown -my- wild oats...

The question is not should he marry her or not based on her number, but rather, has she larnt to swallow with abandon and gusto yet? If not, he should move on immediately as she really has no excuse!
If on the other hand she has, then he should just send out thank you cards as well as wedding invitations :)

I would ponder, and then politely inquire, as to why so many at so young an age?

Typically when women have that high a yearly average(.69 per month since age 16), something else is going on, not just "I'm a little hornier than the average gal."

Maybe just she likes sex with different guys. But because she is somewhat of an outlier, I would wonder if there might be something seething inside her skull, which may not be discovered until after the marriage is inked, the kid is born, and lives cannot be unwound without lawyers, judges and restraining orders.

As for him, he apparently never considered the possibility that she had a more numerous than average sexual history. If that is a real shocker to him, he should ask if there is something he missed about her in the time they were together, and does that suggest anything about the future?

The number itself is less important than his prior and post view of her, now that he has the information. Does her number and subsequent explanation of it comport with the image she presented to him? Does it comport with the image he had (and now has) of her?

If he thought, due to her prior presentation of herself or his own projections of what he wanted, that he was marrying Paulina Purewhite, yeah, he might have a real issue on his hands.

I think he should also discuss with her how many of those lovers overlapped without consent or knowledge of each other. Given that pace of .69/month, monogamy didn't really figure much into her life. If monogamy is a presumed part of this marriage, he should ask straight up if monogamy is really her bag. Can she pull it off, despite having demonstrated a preference for the opposite? She may not might not like monogamy much, and she may be trying to introduce that fact to him now, even if she doesn't admit that is her purpose here.

Anyway, they need to discuss a few things about what her number represents to both of them. Now. Before kids.

Before kids. Are you listening, people?!

"I've already sown -my- wild oats..."

That implies you don't save any for him. I wonder if that is how he feels?

Reading this for the second time, I am struck by a question: how does she know it is 83? As opposed to 82 or 84?

Unless she makes notches on her bedpost, isn't it just a bit surprising that she can actually put such an exact number to it.

Quality always mattered more than quantity, to me anyway.

Much like the girl who couldn't get past her guy's hooker past, if this bothers him, it bothers him. It would bother me. He should move on, find someone whose history fits what he's comfortable with, and so should she. That is a really high number. Really high. He WILL be throwing it in her face.

Nicolek, are you generally happy with your guy? Cause you've mentioned some really crappy things he does. Reading your emails and checking up on everything you do is not normal married behavior. He needs some counseling to get past his issues, they don't involve you. You didn't cheat on him and you shouldn't feel bad about things you did before you met him. Probably shouldn't have shared them at all. I am a firm believer in not knowing things if the health check is clean. Once I know (hooker, tons of sleeping around) I am going to have issues with it. I would leave though, rather than stay and make the person pay the rest of their life.

Bradley13, she remembers because sex is *special*.

In all seriousness, I agree with Spartee.

My first reaction was that we don't have enough information. I can imagine situations where 83 prior partners would not matter, and I can imagine situations where it would. Does/should she regret her past? As with many things in marriage, what's important is not each partner's answer, but that their answers are similar.

She most likely is not good marraige material.

It would be hard to conceive that 83 lovers would not effect this woman.
Although feminists say differently- Women through evolution need to be picky to ensure that there bodies and offspring are healthy.

Although feminists say go be like a man and screw whoever you want, all the women I know who are not selective in who they screw have severe emotional issues.

If she has been so promiscuous in her past why is she all of a sudden going to stop with him?
I can't imagine she is magically transformed.
If she hasn't had any magical transformation and you have kids or live in a certain state you could lose your kids, pay child support and or alimony and be in hell for years to come.

To me the risk is to great.

83? Egad. Where does one find the time? And, get thee to a clinic, stat.

My dearly beloved and have the same number of 'formers.' But I'm five years younger than he is. I was a busier bee. Granted, every partner was someone I knew and liked (no one-night-stands with strangers type things, although I don't necessarily frown on those either) and I've been happily and complete monogamous in our relationship, and plan to continue to be so. He never brings it up (I dated one loser who wouldn't leave the subject alone, even though I think the number is completely reasonable, and went as far as grilling me about people I had dated as a teenager-Nicole K, run like hell, it won't get any better) and it really isn't an issue at all, nor should it be.

If you're willing to stay with someone, I believe that means accepting things like this, and not using them as leverage in the future. If it bothers you, either figure out a way to deal, or leave. Don't make that person pay for your insecurities for the rest of your time together.

Now, I would feel some trepidation being with someone who had such a high number of partners at such a young age, not because I think their behavior is morally wrong, but because it would indicate that they have a very different attitude towards sex than I do. But as to it being a dealbreaker, that would depend on why they did what they did, and if they plan on continuing it in the future.

Does your partner have a right to know your 'number?' Well, no, I don't think so, unless you feel compelled to share, although I know people would disagree with me. I think your partner has a right to know information that may adversely affect their health, (and you should be forthcoming with that before it's an issue, ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo) but I would not accept someone demanding to know, because I have found that people who do so are usually more obsessed with the information than they should be.

This reminds me of the scene in Four Weddings and a Funeral when Andie MacDowell's character tells Hugh Grant's how many people she's been with.

David M, if the marriage this guy expects is a strictly monogamous one, that was my thinking. It sounds like he seeks a monogamous mate, so he needs to consider that issue deeply from both sides, both his need and her likely response to monogamy. Frankly, it sounds like monogamy is not her thing.

Mind you, the same is true for women selecting mates: If a man's fidelity is really important to you, and he has a history of sleeping with an average of over eight different women each year for a decade, you should consider what that history suggests for his reaction to you, just you.

While it is possible that he or she will thereafter be a perfectly (or at least reasonably) monogamous spouse upon a ring slipping on the finger, people should look to trends when calculating odds, not merely their hopes.

A spouse who chafes at having one sex partner, but still wants the benefits that come with marriage (e.g., financial support, emotional support, status), may do any number of things to resolve that conflict, including having sex outside the marriage, without ever announcing to their partner what is bothering them or what they are doing in response. the chafing spouse (no pun intended) may not even be aware of the conflict driving their behavior.

Often people in that conflict come up with rationalizations for their behavior--he doesn't give me romance like he used to; she yawns during sex now--when the real reason is they just are not built for monogamy, and they need an "out" without feeling like they are to blame.

Here, if at 26 this gal not only has not much history in long term relationships, but actually has a decade of brief, overlapping sexual partners without any apparent material connection, my guess is "marriage" to such a person will be extremely short-lived. Her problem is not too many sex partners (not a problem in itself, really), but instead an inability to form long term attachments to such partners.

You don't marry people like that if what you seek is a long-term, monogamous marriage. They will not magically change after a forty five minute ceremony and rubbery chicken dinner with 200 people in a VFW hall.

"She most likely is not good marraige material."

Maybe so, maybe no. msybe she is likelier to really appreciate the guy she settles on because she has a real basis of comaprison.

"What should he do?"

Make sure she's not carrying someone else's package, as in be in the room when she's getting examined, and then decide for himself if this is the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with; the person as she is today, not a bunch of history.

This strikes me as similar in principal to the "what would you do if you discovered your husband visited hookers?" dilemma: you're really better off not knowing. I don't think it's entirely a double standard either-as a female, I too would be perturbed to find out that my 26 year old boyfriend had had 83 sex partners. While I might speculate about a guy's number of sex partners and even teasingly ask him, in all honesty I don't really want to know. And I'm assuming that guys feel the same way, which is why I'm not divulging my (higher than average for my age) number.

However, once the cat is out of the bag, so to speak, I think your SO is entitled to some information. If I was this guy, I'd want to know the circumstances under which GF racked up so many men. Was she so hot that she could walk into a bar and immediately have 4 or 5 GQ model-lookalikes vying to go home with her...or was she picking up skeezy guys at truck stops...or were 23 out of the 83 from the night she let the hockey team run a train? Also, were the majority of her encounters between ages 18-22? If you're an attractive college girl who parties multiple nights a week, it's not hard to find a cute new guy every week. That doesn't mean that she hasn't held down monogamous relationships since then.

I know a 25 year old woman with a number right around there, probably a bit higher. She's in a band and is fucking gorgeous with huge tits. She plays 4 or 5 shows a week and has the pick of the litter.

She started having sex when she was 15. She got chlamydia once and has genital warts which she gets burned off whenever they pop up. She found herself an older guy and now plays Susie Homemaker in the suburbs while still playing her shows and is monogomous.

Men and women evaluate each other's sexuality differently. Not completely differently, but still very differently.

A Mind of Her Own: The Evolutionary Psychology of Women explains this is some detail.

A slut is an easy and cheap lay. In some contexts this is good, and in others it's bad. A slut is rationally evaluated as a bad wife candidate, a bad girlfriend candidate. Unfortunately, many men fall into the politically correct trap of sexual egalitarianism.

Because so many boys have been raised by divorced man-hating women, they become men who don't know this simple truth: sluts are for sex, and nothing else. Nothing else.

To make themselves acceptable as a mate, many women must lie about their sexual history. That's bad.

Male expectations of female virginity are unreasonable. Male expectations of female sexual prudence and self-control - that is perfectly reasonable. Vital even.

Marry a slut at your peril.

Assuming she started having sex at 16 that is one new partner every 6 weeks.

My advice, see how many were one nights stands and drop that number from the total count.

Then have a really long engagement, more than a year, and seriously get both of you an STD screening.

Quite frankly I dont know why not giveing eachother a copy of your most recent STD test isnt considered part of the process

I have to go with Lujip on that one; suddenly the possibility of STD is right around the corner. Hey, if you are so keen of sexual conquests, you should expect this.

Another thing that annoys me, the whole timing thing. Why the admission "I slept with 83 guys" is delivered there? The whole thing made me queasy. Through the lines, I can hear the woman say "Now that you are emotionally invested in me and this relationship, let me tell you that I am a slut".

I believe in the old slogan "Buyer Beware". The man in the story should ask himself if he's ready to embrace in a monogamous relationship with a woman who got a libertine past. I see it as doubtful as buying a reliable motorized vehicle from a third-world country; they might be good but they have a unreliable track record. In a society where women control sexual intercourse, it's her who said "Yes" 83 times. Why stopping at you? Do she believe you are the best deal she can have so far now that she's older? Are you the emotional discount bin at the superstore? By telling you this, do she expect you will forgive her if she says "Yes" a couple of times after your wedding to other men?

As far as I see it, she's damaged goods and the rink in on the side of the poor bloke.

Here, if at 26 this gal not only has not much history in long term relationships, but actually has a decade of brief, overlapping sexual partners without any apparent material connection, my guess is "marriage" to such a person will be extremely short-lived ...

That's well put. I think that any guy who's been around the block a few times, and has dealt with women like this, or knows guys who have, will tell you that this level of promiscuity is a galaxy sized red flag.

It doesn't make her a bad person, but it doesn't bode well for her ability to maintain a long term relationship either.

Also, if you read that forum, it's apparent that the guy is going around and telling his friends about her past. He's made it impossible for her to get a fresh start. She'll probaby break-up with him once she figures out what he's done anyway.

What a bunch of weenie-pansies read this blog. So what, someone had an active sex life. I just wondered if she kept notches on her belt--how do you remember the exact number?
I am just sorry I am well past 26 and still shooting for a number that high. Might have to lower standards to hit my lifetiome goal of 100. Except I lost count a while back, after 20 or so. That means I have to start at zero again! Yeah, yeah quality, but variety counts too.

Hey i-holier-than-thou, you have the right to carve for variety. Just remember that a monogamous marriage is not.

In a world where men pay the blunt of the divorce settlement, I will reserve myself the right to be a "weenie-pansies" just out of the survival instinct.

Besides, if that girl was really honest, she would had tell her partner about her past sexual exploits way before he put his knee on the ground with a ring in his hands. In lawman terms, it is called "Bait and Switch".

83 at that age is a big, big number - Girl or Guy.
That would freak me out and I'd say a woman would have the same right to be freaked out if it was the guy with 83 at that age. Not just because of all that sex but because it would seem to me that she has some "issues" that caused that type of behavior. That's what I'd be leary of.

And while I hate to agree with QuatroMom, NicoleK - I think having your husband throw your past in your face is just wrong. He gets one chance to "discuss" this with you and if it's such a big deal for him he should leave. If not, STFU. You shouldn't have to live your life with that hanging over your head.
Especially since you've done nothing to cause him any doubt since you've been together. Assuming that's true, of course.

Most marriages fail anyways, so why would they even bother? And since the concept of making happy pleasurable sex a priority in a relationship is completely foreign to most people, they shouldn't be surprised when one or both people look elsewhere.

My first boyfriend never got past my revelation that I had had 2 sex partners prior to meeting him, and he was a virgin. He hounded me endlessly for 6 months after I told him, so I dumped him. It sounds like Nichole's husband has the same issues, and it doesn't look like he'll ever let it go.

From my experience, men are unable to handle competition with other males, so women should NEVER reveal their number. If you're in a relationship, you should take the time to get to know each other and see what kind of values you both have, and that will tell you what to expect. How long did the LW and his girl know each other before he proposed? 3 months?

Ok, just actually went and read the link. She needs to dump HIM! Her confidences should not be fodder for his guy talk. Even if he could get past it, his friends wouldn't.

Am I QuatroMom cause my last name is hispanic? That's so racist!!!! :)

"Besides, if that girl was really honest, she would had tell her partner about her past sexual exploits way before he put his knee on the ground with a ring in his hands. In lawman terms, it is called "Bait and Switch"."

Disagree-I don't think that there's EVER a good time to share your number. It opens up a totally unnecessary can of worms. But for all we know, the guy was hounding her about it for months, and she finally gave in. Or she finally decided she could trust him enough, or it just came up in a casual conversation because she didn't realize what a loaded piece of information it was. We don't have enough info to know how it all went down, or pick apart her motives for oversharing.

Unless he's a loser, dump her. He can do better on the open market.

That many partners for a chick is ALWAYS a huge, waving red flag. No amount of liberation can change the reality behind the behavior.

It's not the competition Chrissy. There's honestly a big ICK factor when you find out that someone you've slept with is so promiscuous, and 84 by 26 is really promiscuous.

I've dated women who've had plenty of lovers, and it hasn't been an issue. But if I'd found out that they were f*cking guys indiscrimately, it would bother me. It's just scheezy.

And I don't think that this is comparable to a guy going to a prostitute. It's more like if he went to 84 prostitutes, or was bisexual and engaged in a lot of casual gay set.

Would you be afraid of the competition, or that he was a skank.

er, yeah momof4, like women don't talk with their girlfriends about every. little. thing. ? yeah.

so... as I am reading this... she didn't have 83 'relationships' just 83 partners. [agreed that that just sounds like a number, given instead of "a lot" maybe under pressure] but having known someone who worked her way through a football team... 83 nights, 83 one night stands. You got 365 days in a year, right? This is not to say it's not dangerous, it probably was/is.

But the numbers do not tell the tale of a life. When, why... these things need to be known. Does she have an alternative lifestyle? Do a lot of drugs? The reasons she had many partners are important, not the numbers. IF she started at say 16, did she do many till she was 21 and then changed, and has had 2 boyfriends since? does she get restless? Addicted?

These are the same questions for guys or girls... but the underlying ideas of monogamy don't have a CAUSE in raw numbers, those are the effect. And when and why are important. What is MORE important, is where is she now with this? I wouldn't rush to marriage, but it is a trust issue. Because trust is often based on past experience, and a number like that gives pause, so they need to build that trust. before the wedding. They can be engaged for years...

Even so. There could be quite a nasty surprise hidden there, and there's the rub. People can hide many things for a LONG time, until it's too late. That's not to say it isn't him who has the nasty surprise. Or Maybe she's a demon in bed. And maybe there's a reason for that. Or maybe there is a really sad story in her past. Human beings can be powerful strange. On the cornpone end of things, humans can also endure a great deal for the right person.

Shannon, I agree. That is a fair comaprison.

Lauren, thanks for the example.

momof4:

"Ok, just actually went and read the link. She needs to dump HIM! Her confidences should not be fodder for his guy talk."

YES. She needs to walk 'cause he's not worth going to jail over. Blabbing it to friends is about as deep a betrayal as there is.

"From my experience, men are unable to handle competition with other males, so women should NEVER reveal their number. "

And I think, Chrissy, you would find the same is true of women, if you ever start dating them.

also thinkin' of IF you should tell your number... um, that's a toughie. If the person is hounding you, probably not unless you get to the bottom of why they worry so much over it. But that bottom reveals a lot. Have they been wrecked by a buncha different people who would never discuss how many, until they became the 'next' last person?

But, it is a legitimate concern... just not so much as a number. Sometime you gotta discuss your past, so there are no landmines. It took me a fair amount of time to figure out that a girl I knew left because I was too much like her ex. Yeah, it prolly would never have worked, but I got very invested in her happiness. So it was pretty devastating to get the news. She hoped it would work, but I stepped on a landmine. The past makes you up. Numbers, maybe not much. The stories behind the numbers, maybe more.

Swiss - I really enjoy your posts. :)

Random thoughts after following the link:
1) He's telling all of his buddies about her number. Announcing to all of your friends that your fiance is a slut isn't a great way to kick of a marriage.
2) What's HIS number? If he's been going at the same rate as her for the last 10 years, I'm not sure he's in a position to judge. We don't have that information, though.
3) Circumstances vary. A reformed slut (maybe even a former prostitute) could make a good wife, it just depends on the individual. (Personally, I know a few former strippers that are in happy, monogamous marriages.)
4) It sounds like she voluntarily confessed her number to him to make HERSELF feel better. That was stupid.
5) If it bothers him that much, they should break up.
6) Yeah, 83 is a lot for someone that young. I think I would have lost count around 25, but that's just me.

Like Swiss I think the "why" is very important. I don't disagree that sheer volume is enough to make someone upset but...again...why is the number where it is?

Does she have daddy issues and crave attention and have such low self-esteem that throwing her body at anything that moves is the only way for her to get through life?

Also, when did the numbers slow down? Was she going at a continuously high rate right up until the end? Or did it taper off the past few years? This could indicate any number of things that are worth considering.

If, say, she had a steady flow of dudes going through the revolving door in her apt. up until she and the guy decided to be exclusive, I'd be incredibly concerned about her ability to be happy in a relationship with one person and also question her overall opinion of monogamous, long term relationships.

Aside to NicoleK: I don't know your situation but it's typically not cool to throw around irrelevant ad hom attacks during a fight. The only reason why anyone does this is to hurt the other person on purpose. It's really unhealthy for you as the receiver and indicates a slew of issues at the person slinging it. Most of us do it, to some degree, every once in a while if the argument is bad enough...but if it's the typical response you get from him if he's upset I fear for what this means. Maybe you do it too, I don't know - but please just consider looking into this.

The number is high, especially for her age. From a moral point of view, I don't care. Let her screw however many she wants. It is reasonable though to want to know if it was high because she enjoys sex and a free spirit kind of life that she is now settling down from or if she had emotional issues that made her sleep around. Either way, what troubles me more is getting married at 26. That's too young. And what troubles me even more is that she is engaged to a man who feels the need to take a poll among his friends as to whether or not she is worthy of him. Dump him and find a man who is emotionally secure enough to make his own decisions.

Ok...I would have only 4 things to say.

A. Did she cheat on any of those 84?

B. Did she catch anything from them and when was her last STD test?

C. Did she learn to deep throat and swallow?

D. Does she love to do item C?

Yes...I am pure evil.

You don't have to have 83 on your belt to know how to deep throat or swallor, or for to like it for that matter.

First, I adore K's spelling: "Swallor"... Speaks to the Hoosier heritage.

Second, and this is not offered as the perspective of a master of romance or anything, but worrying about concrete numbers seems pointless. (Well, for anyone but the young guys Chrissie describes: callow gents seem biologically compelled to be assholes about it. I certainly had moments.)

Except for the greatest extremes –say, zero and 20-hunnert gazillion– a number is probably not going to tell you a whole lot about a person's capacity for loving behavior, at least not more than you're going to figure out over a dinner conversation. Concrete numbers are science, and human hearts are abstract. To make sense of the number, you'd have to walk a mile in their shoes... And since you're planning to do that anyway, who cares?

Give yourself some credit: If the person is detached or psychopathic, you'll figure it out before dessert. Remember Star Wars? Trust your feelings, Luke...

He should at least wait until she finishes her contract with Vivid Video.

You don't have to have 83 on your belt to know how to deep throat or swallor, or for to like it for that matter.

Well hello.

Wow! I sure was tired when writing that comment, but I'd say you all understood me! And Crid, does this mean we're finally on the same side?

If you can't handle the answer, don't ask the question!

What would you expect a sexy woman who loves sex to do?

Most marriages fail anyways, so why would they even bother?

Everyone dies. Why bother living?

Spartee, there are plenty of things I haven't done that he could be the first to do if he wanted. But yes, I understand why he is upset about my sordid past. (Though at the same time he was drawn to me because of it.)Sadly, I can't undo it.

Momof3, yes, I am generally happy with him. In fact, I'm crazy about him. It's just this jealousy issue which is annoying. He's also a little bit controlling... for example, he doesn't want me to go hiking by myself because he's worried something will happen to me. I understand that all this comes from his insecurities and fear of losing me.

I do have a tendency to post these things when I am annoyed, and not post the lovey-dovey stuff, because I'm too busy enjoying the lovey-dovey stuff. He really is a great husband, I don't want anyone to get me wrong. We rarely fight.

My point is more that a sordid past WILL affect things, and that it is a consequence. It's not insane that my husband is uncomfortable with my past. It's reality. And women need to be aware of that.

I don't think the whole "sex positive" movement is particularly positive for most women.

A friend of mine had over 200 partners by the time he was 30. (He remembers the exact number, I don't.) A lot of those numbers are from his days as a prostitute. Today, he's completely committed to his wife and children. He had a lot of sex, and it's just not a big deal for him anymore. He still likes it, but he doesn't feel any need for lots of different partners.

This guy needs to either deal or move on. She can't erase her sexual past.

If it's true love, it won't matter a bit. If he's getting married because "it's time," eight would be too many.

I've been in one or two relationships where any sacrifice would have been water off a duck's back. Move to LA? Convert to Judaism? Work as a janitor for your dad's company while living in a closet and being stepfather to your two kids? Is that it? Where do I sign up?

In that case, I'd be like "All that means is that you're so beautiful and special that EVERYBODY wants you."

On the other hand, being a hypocrite (I've love to get half that number), if it wasn't true romance, I'd be out the door. No one's going to threaten MY ego.

" It's not insane that my husband is uncomfortable with my past. It's reality."

It is, actually. He knew, and married you. Your past makes you who you are. He made his decision with all the facts, and doesn't get to fling it at you now. Period.

"It's just this jealousy issue which is annoying. He's also a little bit controlling.."

Big red flag here! Really, I-and I think others here-think it would not be a bad idea for you to go talk to a therapist about this a bit. Without him. See if it's really no big deal, or if you're rationalizing like so many people do. Him being afraid of losing you is not your cross to bear.

Most abusers are really, really romantic.

Yeah, I know, if you read the check list of abusers, jealousy comes up... but it doesn't follow that all jealous people are abusers. He hasn't hit me in the 3 years we've been together, nor shown any sign that he might do so, and would probably be horrified at the suggestion.

Like I said, we don't fight often, maybe once every couple months. Then we quarrel, I cry, he sulks, and we make up. The jealousy thing is something I put up with because while it is annoying, it ultimately doesn't affect my life much, and my life is so much better and happier now than before.

The point is, the past does have consequences, and in this case, the consequence is having my husband be uncomfortable and jealous.

Argh, what's frustrating is now I've accidently painted him as some sort of violent monster, and he isn't, not the littlest bit! He would NEVER hit me!

He's just a person with some character flaws.

Argh, the internet! I'm evidently not good at expressing myself in writing.

Well sometimes jealousy is warranted. If you've told him that you've cheated on every boyfriend you've ever had - or something like that - it's not surprising that he keeps an eye on you.

People tend to repeat their personal histories. Cheaters tend to cheat, liars tend to lie. It's silly expect that he's not going to worry about what you'd admitted to him, as it was apparently something that causes him doubts.

> does this mean we're finally
> on the same side?

Don't let it happen again!

> Everyone dies. Why bother living?

I see what you're getting at Ericz, and nobody loves sarcasm more than me. But there are two other factors...

The first, and it's one that Amy often wants to be cynical about, is that most women want to conclude some period of flirtatious availability with a long-term, we're-going-to-the-graveyard romance. And many of them want to start that romance ASAP.

You can scoff that it's naive, you can quibble about the relative ubiquity of it, or you can pretend that it's a cultural habit, but it's a large part of human character. Even when it's the charade of an abused woman with no capacity for genuine attachment, it's still there.

Secondly, where kids are involved, I think the promise of essentially endless commitment to a spouse is really, really, important.

So again, it's not that you're wrong, it's just that we gotta keep the sarcasm under control.

Sometimes.

To quote Stewie: "So.. is there any tread left on those tires, or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?".

What did he mean by that?

Maurice, it wasn't a cheating past, it was a sleeping around between relationships past. But I totally understand why he's keeping tabs, and realize that's the price of my past. It's still annoying sometimes, though. It's just the way it is! Luckily, he has other good qualities to make up for it.

"He gets one chance to "discuss" this with you and if it's such a big deal for him he should leave. If not, STFU. You shouldn't have to live your life with that hanging over your head."

Why not? Why do people expect that their actions shouldn't have consequences down the line? You make your bed, you lie in it ... in life you don't get to just do whatever you want, then wave a magic wand every few years and make it all go away by some flimsy excuse like "oh I was younger then", it doesn't work that way. If you don't want to be judged for X, don't do X, it's that simple.

83 is disgusting btw, and indicative of something seriously *wrong* that is almost certain to cause further problems down the line ... it would have to either be extraordinary circumstances or an extraordinary woman for me not to seriously re-question the entire thing.

ATTENTION: THIS COMMENT IS DIRECTED *ONLY* TO BLOG READERS WHO HAVE TRULY SUPERIOR INSIGHT ABOUT HUMAN SEXUALITY AND BONDING:

How is it that this blog post generated less than sixty comments over two days, while the (similar) one about a cheapskate date-maker got about three times as many under a single pass of sunshine?

What are the psychological, social, demographic, or Darwinian animal forces which account for this difference?

Up in Mountain View, the Google guys probably have a couple of PhD'd trying to figure that out. When they do, they're not going to tell Amy, either.

Criddums, my sweet, I hate to say you have a good point twice within a 20 minute interval, but I'm forced to do so.

It's quite clear that people get more worked up about who buys whom a cup of coffee than about how many one night stands are appropriate before age 26. But why?

Allow me to bullshit. It's what I do.

I think that by and large, money is more important to people than sex. Sure, sex represents pleasure and continuation of the species, but money represents the survival and well-being of the individual. That's why Jeff has to fight tooth and nail to save the $1.50 for a cup of coffee, and I will battle him to the death for the latte that is my god-given right on the first date.

Personally, I don't think I care how many people someone's slept with as long as he doesn't have a disease and there isn't some red flag that makes me think he's going to cheat, lie, give me an STD, etc. I'm way, way more interested in getting that free cup of java.

I seem to remember a Far Side cartoon that depicted a rattlesnake, a blow fish and some crazy dude wearing an inflatable inner tube carrying some sort of weapon with the caption that read something like "Natures warning signals".
Well folks, any person who has screwed 83 by the age of 26 and somehow managed to keep track of it has issues. Are they bad people? Who knows or cares, but there's something driving that behavior surer than shit and it's not just fun and games. Male or female, I'd steer clear.

My ex told me before we got married she had slept with 8 men. I found out later when she confessed it was 47. It made me think about why a woman would lie. Guilt? Thinking noone would marry her if they knew? It's not the number, it's the lying about the number that bothered me. I never could trust her after that. How can someone ever be monogamous after being with that many people?

Western Civilization = Rotten to the Core

Somebody hit the reset button.

A person who can't keep their chastity isn't to be believed that they can keep their fidelity.