I had this same thought a couple years ago. It made no sense to me to celebrate the achievement of what, exactly? Promising to do instead of the actual doing? But then I'm in no danger of getting married,

One of the best weddings I have attended:

Llano, TX. I was the cook on the grill. The wedding was in a home that was formerly a church. Bought by the grand parents. The official was a notary. We filled the bathtub with beer & ice.

A good time was had by all.

I love weddings. But I hated them when I was single. It isnt the celebration of an achievement, its the celebration of a new beginning. Like a birth. It's also a magical act binding two people together.

I love them because they are one of the few occasions most people have to get dressed up and have a fancy party. Simple weddings are nice, too, I went to a lovely one on the beach in CT in November and the weather was actually WARM! How lucky is that?!

Weddings, proms... its nice to have a few formal events over the course of a lifetime.

At my brother's second wedding they were giving away stuff. Well, arranging too.

I hate weddings.

Small is best. My friends was great. Bride, Groom, their parents, one sibling each and the minister.

Most the marriages (of my generation) that I have known have started going haywire almost immediately leading to seperation in a little over two years or go bad about year 7. Not sure 5 is a good year. How do you count years prior like my friend and his now wife who lived together for 3 years before making it legal?

I love weddings - more for the party than anything else (and tearing up at the church, dressing up in a suit - yeah, yeah, I'm a romantic idiot). But I agree. Certainly most of my friends who got married in their early 30s requested no presents, or nominated donations to charities instead. After all, who needs more clutter round the house?

And my relationships have outlasted a lot of theirs :)

I have a theory that the more money a couple spends on a wedding, the less likely they are to stay married. I've seen two $30,000 weddings where the marriages lasted less than a year.

For the record, Evil Marketing Man and I spent a total of $2000 on our wedding and we just celebrated our 11th anniversary. Somebody quick buy me a present.

I originally had no particular desire for a wedding, but my wife wanted one, so initially I did it for her (i.e. I had to foot most of the bill). In hindsight though, I'm glad we did. It was really a great wedding .. quite small, the right group of good friends there, the 'wrong' people not there (long story). So it was just a really pleasant day all round, everything came together perfectly, everyone had fun, and we have some good memories out of it, and it helped make getting married feel more 'real' somehow. My sister-in-law helped organize it, and with some help from friends, they all put together an awesome wedding at a beautiful location for a budget price (about $5K), much lower than I had anticipated, so I didn't end up feeling like I was blowing my life savings on the affair. As for how long it will last, well I suppose we'll see in 5 years but I'm happy so far; if we're still happy then we can just have another celebration then? Why not.

The "wooded backyard in the mountains of upstate New York, followed by a BBQ in the front yard" wedding sounds awesome too.

I guess to some extent a wedding is what you make of it.

I'm about to be guilty of the big wedding - at least in cost. My fiance and I are both a part of the planning and it's been a good project for the both of us. I didn't want it this way (I really wanted us to elope in Cyprus which wouldn't have been all that costly since we're both in Europe anyway), but he nixed the idea. Instead, we're having family from all over the world join us for a weekend celebration. It's part wedding, and for my side at least, a small family reunion. I think it'll be a hoot!

Agreed -- the smaller, more informal weddings always seem to be the most fun.

I got married at the county courthouse in Las Vegas, since we wanted to keep things as cheap as possible. But we're considering a big party this August to celebrate our 15th anniversary.

If I ever do it again, I wouldn't repeat the huge Godfather imitation wedding I had the first time. My wedding was fairytale. My marriage wasn't. A thought hit me as I was being driven to the church in a Rolls. I wasn't just going to a huge elaborate party. At the end of the day everyone was leaving a great party and I'd be married. Some people do it huge and last. Some people get lost in the dress and flowers.

People do celebrate staying married. Often with vow renewals. I find those odd-you said them once, why feel a need to repeat yourself?

I say that as someone who had both her weddings in cheap marriage chapels-once in houston, once in Vegas. I can't fathom spending that sort of money on one day. But, I can't fathom asking people for gifts after ___ number of years together, either. We throw a lot of large fun parties, we enjoy entertaining. I've yet to hit up the guests for kitchenware, though.

Hubby #1 and I were married in a very simple civil service. Both sets of parents were there, a couple we were good friends with were our witnesses and my two oldest daughters who were 3 and 8 months. We did things backwards, baby #1, bought a house, baby #2 and then marriage. It didn't last. Hubby #2 and I were married on a beach in Jamaica with just my three daughters. We had 5 wonderful years together before he passed away. I'd like to think that one would have lasted.

Now I'm of the same school of thought as Amy, no reason to get married or live together. I appreciate, enjoy and miss my man because he's not in my backyward 24/7. We talk more than any couple I know, we have a wonderful time when we are together and more importantly, we love and respect one another.

I have never been the type of girl to want a big formal wedding with all the pomp and circumstance. I always thought it was stupid to spend that kind of money on one day. I wanted a nice wedding, but it was more important to me that everyone had a good time and that the food was good then having the perfect flowers and hair.

We paid $7000 in total for our wedding and we still have friends and family telling us what a great time they had. Our pictures look like it cost a lot more because the location we were in was absolutely gorgeous (late September on a vintage property turned into a conservatory) and my dress (off the rack) fit me perfectly. We also paid cash for everything so we didn't go into debt.

We were very creative in a lot of our planning. We did a Saturday afternoon brunch buffet (with mimosas!). The food was so.damn.good. And there was a LOT of it. I used fall foliage and pumkins in a lot of my decorating because the location had so much of it's own charm, it didn't need anything else. Then later that evening, after everyone had a chance to change clothes and nap, we had an after-party at a Dueling Piano bar downtown. We chartered a big party bus to get everyone there and back safely. (Honestly, the bus ride was probably one of the most memorable parts of the whole thing). One year after our wedding, we were able to buy a house. I have girlfriends who were married 2-3 years before me who are still paying if off and living in cramped apartments with thier spouses.

We treated our wedding like a party and not a "wedding" and I think that's why it was so successful. I'll admit I was worried at first about planning such a small wedding. It's hard not to get a little paranoid when you have people saying "It's YOUR day! You should get whatever you want." or "It's the most important day of your life! It should be perfect!" It's bullshit like that that turns normal women into bridezillas. But, when I saw my friends and family having a good time, I knew we made the right choice.

Same with people celebrating being sober. Good for them but how about people celebrating never have been an addict?
Women are responsible for the increase in the costs of weddings. The fairy tale has gotten bigger and so has the cost.
BTW: Amy, time to get hitched. After 30 years of marriage I realize it's a superior mental state. More fixed in your head. More chance for success.
Faithful reader.
Dana Law

Never been married, but have been with my spouse for 16, going on 17 years now. I call him my husband, he calls me his wife(y). Many of our friends married about 5-10 years ago, and many of them are now divorced. I think the marrying itself was what did them in, as they had all been going strong before the wedding.

I think there is something about promising to legally bind yourself to a person for the *rest of your life* that just kills all the spontaneousness and good feelings in the relationship. "Oh Jezzuz Cripes are you still here?!?!"

That said, a wedding isn't an achievement. Some brides don't even plan their own weddings, so what have they achieved, exactly? Even those that do, have accomplished......what? The ability to snub their noses at their single friends and file a joint tax return?

I think people already celebrate staying together....aren't they called anniversaries? While I'm at it, why do married folks need so many damn parties?

I love weddings. But I hate "wedding crap."

The wedding = the exchange of vows (whatever format that takes) and a heartfelt celebration of whatever size with family and friends.

"Wedding crap" = Matching bridesmaid dress/shoes/hair nails. The shower and the expectation that it must have a "theme." The engagement party. The expectation that the bachelorette party must include a "destination." The expectation that everyone has to wear the same color to the destination bachelorette party. The expectation that the wedding must have a "theme" beyond "wedding." The concept that wedding attendants are actually free event planners/handmaids/decorations.

IF my BF and I ever get married, it's gonna be big (we both come from huge families). But I will do my damndest to ban all "wedding crap."

I got married young (for this generation - 23), and we did two weddings. One at the courthouse, because I wanted to be formally married without having to worry about getting the certificate signed and back with a time limit. And then my mother insisted on throwing us a "Wedding" wedding. It would've been nice, had she not turned into a Momzilla. ((Seriously, I'm not girly, I hate flowers and crap, and she was *not* happy with how pared down I wanted everything. It really soured our relationship.))

Hubby & I celebrate our courthouse wedding in two months. Six years! ^_^ We'll be celebrating the birth of our first child, too! What I would like to do is hold a big party at our tenth anniversary down at one of the theme parks (we're a very theme park lovin' family). My dream is to do a vow renewal ceremony with Dr. Doom as our officiant. Way more fun than a big, fancy, flowery deal. And it would be really wicked for our friends.

I always feel uncomfortable at formal weddings. They don't feel like celebrations, they feel like... theater. Even the one my mom put together felt kinda fakey. I'd rather have done it my way; I don't remember my wedding that fondly.

Of course, my friend's mother had the best advice to make me feel better about it: "A crappy wedding means you'll have a great marriage". She's been married 30-some odd years after having almost the same thing happen to her!

We went to Montreal for our 5-year anniversary. I was 7 months pregnant, so it was also a "last vacation before the baby" type of thing.

I like weddings, but I don't like what the planning process turn women into. The whole "It's MY day and the world revolves around ME" thing gets pretty old. Nobody but you is going to remember what your cake looked like and whether it was fondant or buttercream frosting. Nobody cares about what type of flowers are in your bouquet or what color the bridesmaid's dresses are. Nobody else is even going to remember that dress that you and your mother flew to New York to pick out and spent $12k on. Your ability to spend $40k on a one-day event does not make you a Princess.

Anyway- I got married in a church when I was 23. Noon service, then brunch with mimosas and bloody marys. The first college football game of the year was that afternoon, so a lot of people who'd come in from out of town went to that, then we had a casual party at our house that night. 150 people, $7,000. I think we got out pretty well for a fairly formal event, but our families really helped a lot with the flowers and such. Our friends who are getting married in September (which will be our 7-year anniversary) are spending something like 5k just on the venue- renting the chairs and linens and all that crap is extra. Oh, and one of my cousins is getting married in July- she's not spending much money, but she's doing an "Alice in Wonderland" theme. She's 31. I'm a little embarrassed for her. Plus, my daughter's name is Alice, so she's going to think it's a party for her.

And I concur with whoever it was that said that the more expensive, elaborate, "look how special and unique we are" weddings seem to be the ones that fail rather quickly. I'm not sure if it's because the couples seem to be more into the production than the actual relationship, or if they're just so "romantic" that being married turns out to be a monotonous disappointment.

I was eighteen years old when I married. I had abusive parents that were loosing their house through bankruptcy. They never told me I had to get out, but it wasn't comfortable living there anymore. (Not that it's every comfortable living with someone that hits you). My father broke my nose in April. My mother was trying to declare me mentally incompetent so that she could collect a disability check. I moved out as soon as the first opportunity arose.

My husband was raised a lot like I was without the abuse. Between religion and the society where I grew up, people don't just live together without being judged harshly. There's not a long list of divorces either.

We had a small wedding in his grandparents' yard. My mother wasn't happy to be loosing her cash cow. My father was genuinely upset to be marrying his first biological kid off at eighteen, but he knew that if he was stubborn I was twenty times more stubborn. My parents and I had issues about the wedding not being in a church, but I wanted an outdoor wedding. My parents didn't spend a dime on my wedding, so I wasn't about to let them tell me anything.

My mother didn't help me shop for a dress, but I found a simple thing at T.J Maxx's for twenty bucks. Shoes were another ten at Payless. We spent another twenty on bubbles instead of rice or birdseed. And that was the cost of our wedding. The photographer wouldn't take money, being one of my husband's college professors. His wife was also my little brother's elementary principal. They gave us a fifty dollar gift card to Wal-Mart. The flowers were from a florist that owed my cousin a favor. She also did the music for us. (My husband complains about the job she did, but it wasn't like she paid her anything) My aunt made the wonderful cake and she didn't spend a whole lot of time decorating...she was able to get real flowers from the florist. The pastor wouldn't take any money and gave us a nice gift. So we spent a total of sixty dollars on our wedding. (The rest of the budget his parents had gave us bought us a deep freeze).

The worst part about my wedding was the family drama. My husband's cousin was asked to guard the car for out of control decorators, like the oil that dumped all over my in-laws' car on their wedding day. That particular cousin then proceeded to cover the car in butter, sliced cheese, and hot dogs under the windshield wipers. Needless to say, my husband was pretty angry about the whole thing and there was violence threatened. Then, my husband's grandmother pulled a drama queen and refused to be in any of our wedding pictures because of the fight that was threatened.

My husband still doesn't talk to that cousin, even after the earthquakes in Japan where that cousin is stationed.

Almost seven years later, I would not want to go through that again. My marriage is enough a disaster as it is. I can't trust him to be faithful. I can't trust him not to hit me when he's angry. There was no college education that was promised me, and there is none of that I'll work while you do the housework crap he promised either. There is crappy job after crappy job that he sabotages. On two separate occasions, I can say that I was fired because of him.

He opened a credit card in my name, put thousands of dollars worth of taxes on it, stopped paying it, now I'm being sued. So soon, any wages I earn will be garnished, while he's bought expensive toys (laptops, digital projector, new car). There's not many jobs out here that don't perform credit checks, so any job isn't looking so good for me right now.

Yeah, not in the mood to celebrate my marriage after seven years. If we're still together at twenty-five, maybe.

My brother fainted during the vows of his first wedding and the bitch bride stormed off, throwing her bouquet to the ground. She left him about 15 years later for a seasonal UPS man who was a deadbeat the other 10 months of the year.

PS- She would only allow Tiffany Christmas ornaments on her Christmans tree- last I heard she was living in an apartment in Upland.

My second wedding was perfect. The two of us on a beach in Hawaii with a minister and a photographer. I spent $60 on my wedding outfit, which was a halter top, a sarong and a shell-necklace. We had a small party at a local farm when we returned.

But I'm not gonna be a buzzill on people who want to celebrate their marriage with a big party. If I don't like big weddings, I don't have to go to them. Like Nicole said, it's not an achievement: It's celebrating a new beginning with all your friends and family.

No reason to limit yourself to a backyard BBQ if you can afford and want something bigger.

Count me with the people who thoroughly enjoy weddings. Like NicoleK, I like the idea of celebrating a new beginning. I'm also always in favor of great parties with people I love, which is what most weddings I go to seem to be. And with family and good friends scattered all over the globe, weddings are often the only times that many of those distant people are in the same place.

Nothing wrong with having a big party a few years down the road, too (big parties are fun, and we should celebrate the good things in life). But gifts at that time would be kinda silly, I think, since most wedding-type gifts are things to help a couple start a life together.

Ah, weddings. My own was the cause of much strife with my future mother in law. I wanted simple and small, she wanted large and , well, large. I won, but I had to be sneaky about it.

Hubby (of 20 years now) and I actually changed our wedding date. We moved it forward 6 weeks without telling his mother (momzilla). Then we invited her and her husband out to brunch at the Biltmore. They got all dressed up for that and we went and did the simple wedding thing beforehand then out to lunch we went.

We had a big bash on the original date and allowed momzilla to invite all her cronies from the senior center (that hubby and I did not know and did not want at our private wedding) to the party.

My friend was telling me about her son's ex-fiance and how she was planning this huge, expensive wedding and honeymoon dealie. And Bridezilla was PISSED that my friend wouldn't pop for a $15k honeymoon cruise around the Mediterranean. The wedding and marriage were actually called off and he cut her loose after her histrionics and total break with financial reality. He was a fairly low level enlisted man in the Army and his fiance was planning on spending more on the wedding and honeymoon than he would have take home pay for like 3 years.

Well, most people who post here heard my story, which is: child first, nice wedding, 2nd child, divorce.

Thing is, we had a nice, outdoor wedding, catered, in a park, to the tune of $3K for about 125 guests. The band was one I was in, so not only was I the bride, I was part of the entertainment! Lotsa fun, I had even put on the invitations "bring your kids, sneakers, and towels", so everyone knew it was going to be casual. We honeymooned in FL at his parents' condo. Got divorced 3 years later because he wanted me to be the responsible party. For EVERYHING. But I said nope.

BF and I have been together almost 8 years. We talk about getting married, and I suppose we will eventually, but neither one of us is in a big hurry. It'll happen when it happens, if it happens. If not, well, we're still having a good time, so I'm not going to worry about it.

PS to Cat: Please think about getting yourself out of that situation. Life's too short to spend with someone who doesn't care about you. No, he doesn't. If what you've posted is normal behavior for him, HE is all he cares about. I'm so sorry.

Funny, you should post something on this. I'm actually celebrating my 5-year anniversary with a grand party - not big and spendy, but inviting tons more people to come and celebrate with us. Our wedding was very small, and I put the entire event together for about $500. I'm much more excited about this than I was for the wedding itself.

Quite frankly, I was scared that my marriage wouldn't last. Not based on problems that my husband and I were having, but based on the fact that other seemingly happy couples were breaking up.

I recently had a cousin congratulate me for making it to 5 years because most people don't make it that long. I was surprised.

Second Flynn's @Cat. Better to have to start over now in you mid-20's than in your 40's. I don't think the type of situation you described gets better.

Just thinking about my family, I've noticed no correlation between the size of the wedding and the length of the marriage. Some worked, some didn't.

If there was every a relationship that could be predicted to fail, it would have to be mine. We didn't know each other well, had language and cultural differences, and never really discussed what we wanted out of life. Somehow, it all worked. To be honest, it wasn't all luck. I was smart enough to notice that she was an amazing person.

Choose well and be lucky. Amy's safe, I'm never going to be the Advice God.

The wedding bills shouldn't last longer than the marriage. An idea: pay for everything with cash. You'll be just as married as if you'd had a wedding worthy of Rogers & Hammerstein.

Isn't a quiet wedding on the beach as much of a "look how special and unique we are" just as much as a big one? An "I'm against spending money!" statement? I mean, seems a lot of people are making a big point about how small their wedding was... how is that not a statement?

"seems a lot of people are making a big point about how small their wedding was... how is that not a statement?"

Well, my small wedding was more about privacy than about cost. I didn't want a bunch of people that I did not know there. I am a private person and felt that the marriage was between my man and myself and our immediate families and closest friends.

In fact it was not costly and we put our money down on a house and not on an event was a bonus.

I was always uncomfortable with my peers growing up and how they had planned their weddings when they were in middle school and high school without any regard to the groom. He was irrelevant to their plans (insert randomly hygienic male into program here).

How can the actual man involved be irrelevant to the process?

Later, I had the same dismay on pregnancy and childbirth plans. Unfortunately actually taking the kid home was an afterthought to all the fuss. And then what do you do? Rather like putting all the emphasis on the wedding and honeymoon and giving no thought to what comes after. You know, making the actual marriage work.

@Fynne,

It the last year or so, what I identify as Narcissistic Personality Disorder has become very apparent. I was dealing with my father dying of lung cancer. He became really sick in ICU before they identified the cancer (we all knew he had cancer, but they were having difficulties locating it in his lungs). During this time period, when I'm going back and forth from a hospital room to a hotel room, all my husband can think about is how I'm not giving him my utmost attention.

At my father's funeral in December, the church put together a meal for the family. Because my aunt distracted me from waiting in line with him, he didn't get any food. He, then, got mad and went out and sat in the car for the rest of the time I sat visiting with my family.

Then, later in December, there was an ice storm that made the roads pretty slick. Because my husband wanted to go out drinking with a female friend, he purposefully parked the car in a ditch. Of course, I did not make it home that evening, much less made it work at 4am. (I called in, but then later my boss said that I didn't. It was a crappy place to work and I don't miss it.)

Then in January, discovering that my husband had not attempted to take care of this credit card like he said. There is no way with the amount of money he brings home and the bills we have to pay, that we should have any difficulties with or without me working. But again today, he did not pay insurance at the beginning of the month and now they need two payments. It angers me and hurts me so much, because I know he really isn't bad with money. I feel like he purposefully screws it up so that I will take care of everything and he doesn't have to.

I guess my point is, if I have to take care of everything why would I not just do it all by myself so I don't have to put up with his garbage? When I needed someone to support me emotionally, he's having a hissy fit that he's not the center of attention. At this point, if I had a job, I wouldn't be here. And it's not like I move back in with my mother, she's demanding and abusive all on her own.

God, I hate being the 'poor me' type. I'm just really fed up today.

Cat, can you wait tables? No credit check, decent money if you're at a busy place, and cash income that you can hide and save so you can leave. It's also a skill you can take anywhere, if you want to move away.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Cat}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} (cyber-hug)

I hate that you're going through this. I wish I could help you. (My ex was never abusive, he just didn't want to do ANYthing to make the marriage work, inlcuding work! He's the poster boy for Cognitive Dissonance. I needed him like a bull needs tits.) So sorry to hear about your dad's passing and your mom's abusiveness. Is there anyone else close to you that you can talk to? You sound like a very strong person in spite of all you've been through so far. It sucks being the strong one, though. Been there, done that. Still doing it actually, because sometimes that's all you can do. As Dolores Claiborne once said "Sometimes being a bitch is all you've got left." If you can find a way to tap your inner bitch, I'll bet you can do anything!

God, I hate being the 'poor me' type. I'm just really fed up today.

Actually, you come across as really matter-of-fact -- and strong (you've got to be strong if you've been carrying around his burdens all these years).

Funny you mention Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Your husband sounds eerily like my friend's ex-husband. She finally left him after 5 years of marriage. He was a dick to her the whole time, but the final straw was a few months ago when her doctor found a lump in her breast. And the FIRST thing out of her husband's mouth was, "Um, if you have to get it removed, you're going to get an implant, right?" Btw, they had a VERY lavish wedding at the most expensive venue in town. hmm.

Seriously, though, what you said is so very true: the second you can be on your own, LEAVE, because it'll easier to make it own your than to carry him anymore.

Cat, you really need to get out. He IS a narcissist. Please take it from me (someone who wasted 20+ years with one), there is peace, stability, and happiness waiting for you, but you must find the courage to leave and seek it for yourself.

I just married the best guy in the world this month. We originally planned to have a small beach wedding, but when you collect as many friends as we have by our age, the event tends to grow. It was around 120 people but still felt intimate because they were all our special friends and family, who were truly happy for us finding each other at this stage of life.

My son was best man and my daughter was my maid of honor, which was very special to me (you can't get that at your first wedding!). I think I was more excited about them walking the aisle, arm and arm, looking so beautiful together, and supporting us becoming a family, than anything else.

I hired a DJ and danced with my girlfriends to "Baby Got Back", "Electric Slide" and silly songs like that. It was soooo much fun! Then, my son shot off fireworks over the water from his boat.

A friend of mine gave us 60 pds of lobster as a wedding gift for the event. It was all just so wonderful and our friends are still talking about it as the best wedding they've ever been to.

Yet, the main thing is how I feel about my groom. Couldn't wait to see him. Couldn't wait to dance our first dance, and celebrate our marriage with the people who mean the most to us. That really does make you feel married in a way that eloping wouldn't, at least for me.

But, Cat, the road to my beautiful day started with just one step...and then another...out the door. You can do it. Believe me, no one was more scared than I was, but you reach a point where you know you deserve so much more peace, tranquility, and respect. Living with a narcissist, as charming and wonderful as they can be at times, is a roller coaster ride of constant drama. You deserve better, but only you can make it happen.

My father always told me that there were few enough occasions to celebrate in life and we should take advantage of any of them that came along. Our extended family is spread out so we only see everyone at weddings, bar mitzvah's etc. Therefore, whenever anyone in the family has an event like that everyone in the whole extended family is always invited. I'm in favor of making a large wedding. What else would you rather do with your money than celebrate with the rest of your family? Buy a better car or a bigger tv? There were a couple years in a row when no one actually had any events and we didn't see a lot of our family for years. Obviously with the caveat that you make a decent party at an appropriate price for your circumstances. As everyone else has pointed out it's stupid to go into debt for a one day party. But within that budget, celebrating with the people who love you is one of the best things in life, for whatever occasion, weddings included.

I don't see the correlation between having a big party and making a marriage work or not making it work. If you don't want a big party, fine, but it's not like it makes you morally better or better at marriage.

I do agree that people shouldn't go into debt. But why not have the party you can afford?

As for me, I asked my parents, "Could we do a potluck in the back yard, and use the money towards a down payment instead?" and I got the answer, "You're no fun. No." So we had a great party. And the marriage is looking good so far.

@NicoleK: "I mean, seems a lot of people are making a big point about how small their wedding was... how is that not a statement?"

You know, that's a pretty good point -- it is a statement, or can be, along the lines of the car you buy or the clothes you wear. But, as LauraGr points out, lots of things factor into how the wedding is planned and executed. My wife and I didn't have a terribly elaborate or expensive wedding, and our eldest daughter's wedding, while nice, wasn't terribly costly. With two more daughters to go, I'd like to keep it that way.

I guess if anyone wanted my advice, I'd say that there's nothing wrong with a big, fancy wedding, as long as whoever is paying can afford it and is comfortable paying it. Further, the couple mustn't lose sight of the fact that presumably they have many years ahead of them together. If the wedding is the biggest highlight of their marriage, they're in serious trouble!

"Amy, time to get hitched."

If you feel warm, it's because there's a voodoo doll on fire somewhere. It's not like the lady has never thought about it.

For those of you who like the spectacle, here you go.

I think you'll be surprised at how conventional the participants are, considering their day job!

And no, this isn't me:

"The details: We wed in Charleston, South Carolina, in the Historic District. The ceremony was held in the Cathedral of St. John the Baptist. It was a beautiful mass in one of the oldest and most engaging cathedrals in the United States. The church was filled with red poinsettias. It was really gorgeous. The music was a mixture of pieces from Bach, Schubert, Mendelssohn, Pachelbel, Clarke, & others, all arranged for, and performed by, pipe-organ, strings, and voice. We were married on December 29th, which is technically the Fifth Day of Christmas. Traditionally speaking, Christmas lasts 12 days, from the 25th to the 6th of January… like the song;-) Previously, over the course of our relationship, I have given jessica 4 gold rings… So the fifth one was her wedding band, and it came on an appropriate day:-)

We left the church in a Cinderella-style horse drawn carriage, and arrived at the original Citadel from the Civil War era, now converted from a fortress into a hotel. There we had a two part reception . First, hors d’oeuvres were served in the indoor Atrium, a glass inclosed area in the heart of the structure. The guests were gathered by the central fountain where we had a string quartet playing. Jessica and I posed for a few photos while guests got to know each other. We then proceeded to dinner, served in the Main Ballroom. As it was Christmas, the decorations were elegantly inspired by The Nightmare Before Christmas.

The flowers were predominantly Calais Lilies, and the arrangements were stunning. There were ostrich feathers, origami, and even those candied almonds. On every table white pumpkins with Jack Skellington’s face glowed with candlelit eyes and smiles, as the room slowly and subtly shifted through a spectrum of color in a seemingly magical feat of lighting (designed by CXS’ very own lightman Zak Wilson). The cake was an incredible “hatters” style creation, decorated in fondant, wrapped in a cascade of sugar calais lilies spiraling around each tier, topped by a hand blown glass Jack and Sally. Each part was flavored differently: hummingbird, carrot cake, or strawberry. (hummingbird is a traditional southern flavor- honey & pineapple). And a huge ice sculpture of spiral hill was prominently placed near the entryway. During dinner our string quartet played a selection which included arrangements from The Nightmare Before Christmas, Harry Potter, and even The Addams Family!, Afterwards our favorite Disc Jockey- DJ Ian Fford of NYC- got people dancing."

-----

It's amazing to me, the variety of successes and failures a marriage brings. Some people view it as a cure, some as an illness, both before and after the event. Some find it a big deal, some are ho-hum. I find the promise I made more important than the signature on the license, even though I know the State has a vested interest.

I've only occasionally spoken to the parties involved in the slide-show, above, but they had things taken care of well before tying that knot. I hope you get there, whoever you are, and wherever you may be in the process. The suffering that results is just plain unnecessary, which makes it more awful. Even though only a race of limited lifespan could believe that live is forever.

Extra credit if you know who Rogue is!

I just married the best guy in the world this month.

Congrats, LS! Best wishes to you both.

Our extended family is spread out so we only see everyone at weddings, bar mitzvah's etc.

My family is like this, too. If I didn't see them at weddings, I would only see them at funerals.

I mean, seems a lot of people are making a big point about how small their wedding was... how is that not a statement?

True. Our small wedding WAS a statement: that we were sick of my toxic family bullshit and going off by ourselves. Also, my mother had just died and my father was terminally ill and too sick to attend, and the idea of having everyone there BUT them was too sad for me to look forward to at the time, so we decided to cut out everyone. Separating the party from the wedding made it easier. It was a lifestyle choice rather than a financial one.

"I just married the best guy in the world this month."

Gee, I don't remember anything!

Heh...

But, nicely done. I hope that wherever you go, whatever you do, you can be more than the sum of your parts, and that your bootstripe is always visible!

I love weddings! Every one I've been to has been a celebration of awesome people who love each other who also threw a great party. I honestly can't figure out where the downside is. I secretly think people who say they hate weddings must have crappy friends. My friends make good decisions, so it's easy to celebrate them. If I'm invited to a wedding where I don't feel that way, I don't go.

However, I agree that wedding-mania is stupid. I think people should have the wedding they can afford (and some people can afford debt) and keep their head on their shoulders - weddings are a celebration of the marriage to come. At the weddings I've been to, even the most expensive ones, I knew that if it had become necessary (like a deployment or illness or something) the couple would have cancelled the big wedding and gotten married at the courthouse in a heartbeat. I think if that's how you feel, you can throw the most gigantic wedding and still be totally sane.

@Cat "The worst part about my wedding was the family drama."

On that note, I actually left a few details out of my story (because I try focus on the positive), but I actually 'uninvited' my own parents and certain friends and relatives from my wedding ceremony. My dad has a tendency to 'manufacture' drama and pick fights with me and try spoil everything, and we've always fought a lot ... now my wife and I had actually gotten married 'officially' some months before the actual ceremony, and on the actual official marriage day he picked a huge fight with me literally ten minutes before the 'moment' I got married and pretty much spoiled the day for me, something which I won't get back. I was livid ... I had somehow hoped he wouldn't sink that low but deep down I think I knew he would. Spoiling everything in my pre-married life was one thing, but now I was starting a family, and feel I need to create a positive 'environment' for my child-on-the-way and wife to build happy memories etc., and to keep that toxic shit out. So I made a decision to basically kick him from my life, stop talking to him, and told him I didn't want him at the official ceremony (and by extension, most sadly, my mom), so that he couldn't come spoil the ceremony day too (as well as certain family members who took his side on the matter, and who I knew were also going to 'manufacture drama' and try ruin it for me and everyone .. I haven't spoken to them since). So my parents were not at my wedding ceremony. It sounds harsh, and some people in the family aren't speaking to me anymore because of it (but frankly, that's fine, now I know their true colors), but I am convinced I made the right choice, and I am glad I did. I couldn't get my 'official' wedding day back, but I still had the ceremony, and it was MY and my wife's wedding day, and I was determined to make it a pleasant, enjoyable day for MY new family, and I am convinced that one of the main reasons the day turned out so great was that I had uninvited all potential 'drama-creators'. And I could relax and enjoy it too without feeling the whole time like someone would be ready to try ruin things at any moment. Yes it's harsh but it was something I had to do and was pushed into the situation to do. So yeah, that's the other side of things :/

"Yeah, not in the mood to celebrate my marriage after seven years. If we're still together at twenty-five, maybe."

Cat, make plans to get out. You're still plenty young enough to still have a good life ahead of you, seriously; with a bit of effort, you can still 'build' a better new life.

Of course, not trying to suggest my situation is near as bad as Cat's :/ .. just mentioning it.

>>I mean, seems a lot of people are making a big point about how small their wedding was... how is that not a statement?

Not trying to make a statement about cost, I think. Goodness knows, if I had been able to pay for a wedding the way I wanted it, it would've been a lot bigger. But at the time, I had very little money, and had to fight with my mother to *eliminate* things. My crappy wedding was less about cost versus formality. Momzilla wanted formal, flowers, and fancy. I ain't that kinda girl. I didn't mind having bunches of people, but I didn't want formality. I shouldn't feel uncomfortable at my own wedding. And since it wound up turning up into a huge deal with her, it makes our courthouse wedding the special one.

That's kinda why I want to do a big bash for our tenth. I want to do all the cornball, tacky stuff that husband and I think are hilarious and fun. And throw a real party, with catered food and all the other kinda stuff I've never been able to afford. We probably won't do it (life tends to get in the way), but it's fun to think about.

My wife and I decided to get married at city hall. It cost us only $35 to have it done in front of the judge. We're still together after almost 9 years along with three spoiled pugs. If you love each other and can tolerate each other's idiosyncracies and bad habits, then a big wedding isn't necessary. Big weddings are definitely overrated and overpriced; they are meant only to show off to family members and friends and to extort wedding gifts.

Oh good lord Rad, I don't know who those people are, but it was eerie. Dye her hair dark brown, and she's me at 18. It was like looking in a mirror. Interestingly enough, I had a halloween themed wedding at 18. Didn't last....

The pic they had labelled "portrait" could have been lifted from my wedding album. Same expression, even.

@Richard: "My wife and I decided to get married at city hall."

In Germany, where I met my wife, you don't have any choice. You can have a church wedding, but it has no standing with the government. You have to go to the town hall to make it legal. Which we did, sixteen years ago last Sunday. As far as I can tell, anyway, since my German's not that good.

By the way, Rad, I looked at those pictures, too. What the hayull is that boy wearing on his head?

Hey, for those of you looking at the expensive wedding slide show - that's the wedding of Rogue - otherwise known as Virgil Roger DuPont III - to Jessica Lackey, the manager of his band, Cruxshadows. The parent Web site is here.

As you will find out, they are a Goth band that promotes big-picture ideas: commitment to persons and causes, duty, and the conflicts nearly everyone faces. Discard what you've been told of dysfunctional youth cutting themselves - that's what major media wants you to think because, well, they look different. Their live show is a big and pleasant surprise, as is conversation with any of the bandmembers (several of whom are very hot women, but I digress).

To answer ORPMD - that's his hair.

Rogue has his own Wikipedia page. The man is quite accomplished, and although the family name might have gotten them into that church in Charleston, he doesn't use it in the band's business.

I find the promise I made more important than the signature on the license, even though I know the State has a vested interest.

Yeah, this is the key thing - the promise. Any knowing why you made it. Everything else is secondary.

I am not a fan of big weddings. There are no cultural traditions for it in my family.

I see the whole wedding thing in the United States as coming out of a lower middle class desire to copy the traditions of wealthy celebrities with a large ostentatious party.
I think it really became endemic when they started to show these extravaganzas on TV.
Too many women watched Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer and decided that they deserved their own" princess" wedding too.

The difference being that the truly wealthy can afford it and the lower middle classes are going into hock to do it.

What they usually end up with is a vulgar parody of the kind of wedding that the robber barons first popularized.

I also see it as a triumph of trappings over substance but that seems to be the norm these days

At the same time I support anyone's right to have exactly the kind of wedding they want as long as they and their loved ones can foot the bill.

I reserve the right to find overly choreographed hollywood productions by those of limited means, tacky. I don't attend when invited but send approprite gifts and congratulations to my few relatives that have decided to go that route.

"I reserve the right to find overly choreographed hollywood productions by those of limited means, tacky."

Ahh, I remember Sam Clemens: "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

"I have a theory that the more money a couple spends on a wedding, the less likely they are to stay married. I've seen two $30,000 weddings where the marriages lasted less than a year."

Evil HR Lady

You stole my theory! or maybe we're both very wise.
Both my older sister, and younger brother had very small simple weddings. My sister has been married 50 years, and my brother 36.
If I ever did get married (not too likely now!) the thought of a large, over the top wedding, and being the "star" would terrify and embarrass me.

"I have a theory that the more money a couple spends on a wedding, the less likely they are to stay married. I've seen two $30,000 weddings where the marriages lasted less than a year."

Evil HR Lady

You stole my theory! or maybe we're both very wise.
Both my older sister, and younger brother had very small simple weddings. My sister has been married 50 years, and my brother 36.
If I ever did get married (not too likely now!) the thought of a large, over the top wedding, and being the "star" would terrify and embarrass me.

Maybe it's because we're both guys, but my partner and I definitely wanted to keep things simple for our wedding. Our actual legal wedding was at City Hall in Ottawa with a few family members and friends, followed by a nice dinner (our treat). Legally speaking Canada was our only option at the time, but the lack of pageantry that came with our ceremony was an added bonus. My mother-in-law still wanted very much to throw us a party later on, so we agreed on the condition that we keep it extremely casual. We put the word out that we were wearing t-shirts and shorts, and it turned out to be a fun afternoon for everyone. I think if getting married required more effort, people might be less inclined to turn the beginning of a new life into some over-the-top spectacle.

@Isabel1130 - great summary. Hit the nail on the head.

"Oh good lord Rad, I don't know who those people are, but it was eerie. Dye her hair dark brown, and she's me at 18. It was like looking in a mirror."

Then, dear, you are one very beautiful woman. The wedding photos don't do Jessica justice; she's one of a handful I've met that look better the closer you get. Umm - she is 33 in those pix.

Their first child will be 3 weeks old Saturday!

Yes, I'm a CXS fan. Go see them just one time, and you probably will be, too!