One actually...my ex-boyfriend. As it turns out, women aren't the only ones who place a low value on sex. Some men do as well.

The people who feel this way should make it known before getting involved with anyone. A sexless predisposition should be on their must-have list for a prospective mate because it's really an unpleasant surprise...

@Sheyna

Ouch!! Of all the men I know some want it less, but ALL want it. I feel sorry for you that you picked the really rare bird!

nico

Well, I'd say it. If, for some reason, my partner is unable to sexually perform, that doesn't mean the relationship is over.

On the other hand, if my partner's desire for sex changes drastically, she refuses to discuss it with me, and uses our six-year old child as a cock-blocker, we've got serious, serious problems, beginning with lack of respect (the Silent Treatment) and weirdly manipulative behavior with children.

So asking if sex is essential misses the real essentials.

"A sexless predisposition should be on their must-have list for a prospective mate because it's really an unpleasant surprise..." Sheyna

This.

However, if you look at the ways and means to ends... a lot of people will put up with things they don't like, so that they can get their goal. Interestingly, the informal poll of my middle aged male friends? [remembering anecdote is not data] has always been, after the second kid, you'll be lucky to get any once a month. It'd prolly be tricky to ask my female friends, so it's one sided.

Exaggerations aside, how many people does this fall off the table for? When I was younger, I figured it was just the way women work, after they have a few kids, they're no longer interested... But I'm not sure how often it's the case.

As I said in response to Lizzie's comment that Amy is referencing, sexual release is essential for a normal male, but there are ways to achieve that other than actual sex. Far better to resort to those than to put your kids through a divorce because you're not getting any.

When my boys were little, I had no interest in sex. No, that is putting it too mildly. It repelled me.

Fast forward. My boys are 8 and 12. My sexuality reawakened. It must have been obvious. One year I felt asexual and the next, young guys were hitting on me right and left. I didn't even think that I was flirting.

Somehow, I still give off that vibe evidently. My boys are now adolescents. A week ago, I went to Las Vegas and was shocked about some of the offers I got.

For women at least, sexuality can wax and wane. It has a lot to do with relationships, health, stress, and fatigue.

I had a gf that was given advice from her grandmother: She said the perfect birth control was one aspirin. Put it between your knees and you won't get pregnant. Her thought on that was the guy could still bend you over and go from behind. (I think she actually tried it once. ;-))

While sex may not be essential for a good relationship, intimate contact is an essential. Even if it just heavy petting -- that contact makes a difference.

(Props for the blog-item title)

(Also, "Booty Rest")

(Remind me to read more attentively)

Anyone still here?

See also, Oz.

Just got home. Will look.

Went to Olivier Pojzman show at Lilly's restaurant in Venice. Love his work. (But you really have to see it full size to appreciate.)

http://www.iriswork.com/work/venice-beach-california-usa-3/

Ugh...on both links, Crid.

When you get married, one of the things you promise is to forsake all others, not forsake each other! Men are more visual, more physical, in their desires. And if women will stop expecting men to be more like women, life would be a lot simpler. Yes, men need sex! Married men, forced to sleep next to (or near) a woman who promised them love and having to hear "not tonight" over and over again lose their self-worth, or they leave. It's that simple.

I am not a beautiful woman. I'm not even pretty. But my husband's friends are jealous of how good he's got it. They tell him how lucky he is and ask how he managed to get a girl like me, despite the fact that I am, hands down, the homeliest woman in the group.

My husband and I will have people over or go out with friends, and we'll sort of split off in socializing, but he's got to come back and give me a squeeze or a peck, brush my shoulder or hand. He can't keep his hands off me (not in an inappropriate way, just a quick little gesture). Sometimes he'll bring me a drink refill or a snack off the table. My girl friends ask how I got him to do that. Truthfully, I didn't. They tell me I'm lucky. I'm not.

What's the secret to our marriage? I take care of him. I make him lunch to take with him to work. I make sure he has clean clothes, a good dinner, and when he gets home, I hop up from whatever I'm doing and give him a kiss and a hug and a warm welcome. I open myself to him regularly, and initiate sex, sometimes even when I'm not really interested! I've never regretted having sex with my husband. Who in their right mind would turn down an opportunity to get an orgasm? (Barring illness or some kind of trauma, obviously.) What I get in return is a man who is loving, caring, and likes to do things for me to make me happy.

Women have a huge amount of power in the world. We have the power to make men happy or miserable, strong or weak, confident or mousy. When I see a woman callously deny one of her husband's most basic needs, it makes me want to slap her silly. She's destroying her marriage, but when the marriage falls apart, HE is the one who'll get all the blame.

You know what most men want more than anything? A woman who wants them, sexually and otherwise. If you treat them like they and their needs and wants are important to you, you can stay happily married to almost any reasonable man.

Uhh...there are asexuals out there, men and women, who are simply not interested in sex (Dan Savage has written about them a few times in his column).

I think the majority of sexless marriages are women withholding, but not all of them. ED can cause a lot of problems in a marriage, especially if the guy isn't willing to see a doctor or get it addressed.

I agree with Sheyna, if you have a low sex drive, there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but you should let your partner know, and not pretend to be interested in it if you plan on shutting down after marriage. Or find someone who has a similarly low drive.

The Original Kit and Isabel1130 FTW.

Rather than phrase the issue as simply sex, it should be phrased as physical and emotional intimacy. This may sound cheesy, but I've talked with enough men to know that simply getting off isn't the issue; it's feeling desired and wanted. It's their wives letting them express their love and affection in the way that means so much to them.

For women, sex seems psychologically to mean GIVING, even when they enjoy it very much--hence, a woman who denies her husband sex over a long time period is unlikely to have a very giving attitude, at least as far as he is concerned. Surely this is usually manifested in ways other than sex: how likely is such a wife to be emotionally supportive if the man loses his job, or to be nurturing and supportive if he becomes seriously ill? I'm sure there are cases where the problem is limited to sex, but I bet in most cases it is reflective of a dismissive attitude toward her husband in general.

It's ironic: American women are rabid consumers of Jane Austin movies, romance novels, romantic TV shows, etc etc...yet quite a few of these women handle their relationship with their husband in about as unromantic a manner as is possible.