Men lie for convenience and to maximize their options, short-term. Telling a woman what they assume she wants to hear gives him the best chance to enjoy her company. Its particularly tempting NOW because of our highly mobile society - one can be "dating" multiple women, with each one thinking he is only dating her (which also sometimes serves to make her available only to him for "dating"). Explaining, not excusing (I consider such behavior unethical and self-destructive in the long-term).

how does anyone in general KNOW this isn't true? It may be true of a person they know, perhaps, but men in general? Who can tell?

OTOH, shall we assume that women lie just as much? That they have a better offer, just as often. I've put a few bunches of flowers in trash cans after being stood up, once I discovered that she had 2 dates lined up and I was the backup.

Perhaps this is widespread, perhaps it's just something that happens occasionally, but it's a crock to assume that it's just something that guys do. I wonder what the evolutionary people would say. Isn't a woman supposed to be hypergamous?

Doesn't this mean she keeps her options open?

As far as being dismayed that they lie to her, what's the quality of selection? Is she choosing well?

And? Are we sure that both people MEAN the same thing when they say they are "Seeing" someone? It surprises no-one that people twist that word. Most people mean "Exclusively Dating".

If either gender is playing the field, they are NOT seeing anyone... they're just dating. The other implies exclusivity.

All said, seems stupid to say such a thing for fear of appearing desparate, IMHO.

"This particular woman seems emotionally healthy and expects that they would be seeing other people."

Perhaps it's generational, or cultural, but she would seem to be an outlier. Also, what Swiss Army D and Dennis said. There are ways to honestly answer that question "no", and yet still be dating others.

In fact, if by "seeing other people", she is only referring to very casual dating, than perhaps it's none of her business. It might become her business if the relationship deepens, or if she was asking about a more serious, more exclusive relationship that she didn't want to interfere with or become involved with.

I am casually dating a couple of women. Am I seeing them? No. And since, unless you're asking me that and you're already undressed it's none of your business, I'm going to say no.

But that would seem to be SwissArmyD's point.

If someone is on a dating site, then I'm going to assume that he's, you know, looking to date people. Even if he's not actively dating anyone else at the moment, that doesn't mean he wouldn't jump at the opportunity if the girl of his dreams created a profile, or the hot girl he winked at finally messaged him back. Unless we're talking about being exclusive then it's none of my business. Until then he's theoretically able to date anyone he wants (as am I) and the fact that he's not is just a technicality.

Short answer: I have no idea.

I need to put on my better reading comprehension hat.

But sure, that seems odd.

I'd assume it's the same reason that politicians tell you that they're going to cut taxes, increase services, and also balance the budget. It's what you want to hear...

How does she find out they're lying? It seems really strange that they'd volunteer that they're not dating or interested in anyone else, and then be careless enough to get caught lying.

It's been awhile since I went on a date (married 35 years next month)but when I was dating, I assumed anyone I just started dating was probably casually dating other people too. I wouldn't even bother to ask and would be a bit surprised if he volunteered anything. I would ask if he was involved with anyone, and I would expect him to ask me the same question. If I found out he lied about it I wouldn't go out with him again even after hell froze over.

BTW I love the questions on the comment form.

I've very rarely been seeing anyone else when I go out with someone (even casual dating), so when I say it I mean it. I can understand that on a dating site, everyone is probably at least chatting with a few other people.

I'll modify a little what others have said - it's what they *think* she wants to hear. Obviously she doesn't and distrusts it.

That's weird. I always assume both parties are seeing other people unless they have a conversation and decide otherwise. In my experience neither I nor the other party ever brings the situation up. If a woman I was casually dating did ask me I'd be honest with her about it, because unless you're in a committed relationship I don't think it's really a big deal to date other people.

Anyone who would expect honesty in that situation has probably never left Salt Lake City in her life.

Thinking back, I would guess about 30% of the women I met from online sites asked me if I was seeing anyone. From the discussion forums, it appeared like it was a common question. The general consensus was the correct answer was "nothing serious."

If guys are volunteering this I would guess something is happening to make them think that they should. Perhaps something is being said like "the last jerk I went on a date with was seeing other women...kicked him to the curb real fast." I don't know. Though I find it very unusual that the guys would just volunteer the info...one maybe just a player or something...but a whole bunch...hmmm..

I once dated a guy who went out of his way to mention that I was "the only ship in the harbor." I hadn't even asked. Later, when things didn't work out, we became friends, and I discovered that he had been sleeping with his ex-girlfriend and discussing possible reconciliation the whole time, as well as having frequent phone sex with a co-worker.

I can only assume that 1) he believed it in the moment that he said it, 2) he just wanted to maximize his chances of banging me, or 3) both.

Maybe on the day he said it, the prospects with Girl #2 and Girl #3 seemed particularly dim.

I could call him now and ask him, but I know he'll say he doesn't remember. :)

A woman wants to know why, early on in the online dating process (on the phone or in the first week of dating) men announce that they are not seeing or even interested in anyone else -- when that isn't true.

Because men have the impression women do not want the truth, but prefer pretty lies. They feel that they have to tell women what they want to hear. "Does this dress make me look fat?" is a cliche, because that type of demanding to be lied to behavior is so common among women. Guys assume all women are like that.

This was the wrong thing for him to do. By trying to tell her what he thinks she wants to hear, before she even asks for it, he is telegraphing that he will do anything to advance the relationship. This is bad because it shows incredible neediness. Big turn off. He is also setting himself up to get caught lying to her early on. Women do not like to be lied to, unless it is to tell them, the dress does not make them look fat.

It is part of the classic mistake of telling a woman everything about you right away. They need a challenge to keep them from being bored. If it is a challenge to find out stuff like that about you, it gives them something to do and keeps them interested. And, if they like you, not knowing allows them to imagine there are all these other women they are competing with, which keeps them on their best behavior.

Guys should just shut up about relationship topics. Do not bring them up, and act bored if women do. Answer with a non sequitur question that implies her entire question went in one ear and out the other, like, "do you think the 49ers defense will be able to shut down the Packers offense when we play there?" Women will roll their eyes and wonder why a guy can't be more like a woman, and talk about important stuff. This is good, because it establishes that you are a guy and not applying for the job of male girlfriend, which is what they actually want, and shuts down additional relationship talk, which has much potential downside and little upside from a guy perspective.

If a woman asks, are you seeing anyone else, she is really asking what your goals are with her. Early on, it is best to say something along the lines of, "There are a few women I see and do stuff with, but nothing serious." Then refuse to give details. Tell her you never discuss what you do with a woman with anyone else, ever. This works because it shows that you are discrete and won't be discussing what you do with her with anyone, and it makes it appear that other women find you attractive, which is important because women need the approval of the herd, and it sets her up in competition with other women she can't see or get any description of or know what "things" they do with you.

Women, do not ask, "Are you seeing anyone else?", early on. It will be seen as an implied threat to bail if there is not a quick offer of exclusivity before you have earned it. If he is a useless chump, he will always say no, which is either a lie or means you are the only woman on Earth who finds him attractive, and the herd is usually right about these things. If he is a high value guy with options, you will have just marked yourself as needy and without options and in a hurry to tie him down, which lowers your chances to advance the relationship.

In general, people should not talk about relationship issues early on, but rather work on building one with the other person. Relationship discussions are something girlfriends have with each other.

This used to happen to me a lot. I never figured out why men were doing this, but I did realize (with the help of good friends) I was dating a lot of jerks. I decided to spend some time alone and after was able to spot jerks more easily. Staying away from jerks freed me up to find nice, normal men to date. I haven't heard this line since I've stopped dating jerks.

No one else has said it, so maybe it's a silly thought, but could he possibly be trying to get information out of her? Guys are usually more straightforward, but maybe it's one way to find out if SHE is dating (or seeing or whatever) any other guys? Him wanting to judge her reaction or something?

I have a girl friend who was casually dating a few different guys from a dating site, and she told me that neither of them were seeing other girls. I suppose it could have been a lie they told her, but she told them she was seeing other guys, so it seems like if they were seeing other girls they could have been honest about it without feeling guilty... so perhaps these guys in question really aren't seeing any other women.

I have a male cousin who feels strongly about this. He has had both long and short term relationships, some of which began on line. He believes that relationships should never overlap, that the current relationship should be ended before beginning a new one, because otherwise it's more hurtful and destructive all around. He is so strict about this policy that when dating on line he won't go out with more than one person at a time. If he has a date with A and in the meantime B contacts him, he won't go out with B until he sees A and has decided not to see A again.

This pattern occurs because those doing it think it helps them achieve their goal.

Don't know if it does, but they think it does.

If, as is quite possible, all they're after is some sex, and they're jerks (as cmrlh points out), it's not the least bit surprising.

After all, the lie's negative consequences really only affect people who were after more than convenient sexual relations.

"Women, do not ask, "Are you seeing anyone else?", early on. It will be seen as an implied threat to bail if there is not a quick offer of exclusivity before you have earned it."

When I was dating, I would not have asked (or answered) questions about who else I or my date was seeing, was either one of us involved with anyone, etc. because I wanted exclusivity or thought my date wanted it. I wouldn't even have asked believing I would always get a straight answer. I would give a straight answer if asked, but if my date didn't already know me pretty well, he couldn't be sure of that. (I never volunteered that I was involved with someone else because I never was. If I had been I wouldn't have been there.)

To me there are two reasons for asking if your date is involved with someone (not just casually dating others). The first is that some people will tell you the truth, but only if you ask for it. It's like they're OK just "forgetting" their fiancee or whatever, but if you ask directly, they can't quite bring themselves to lie.

I'll never forget the divorced doctor who gave every impression of being completely available until I asked if he was involved with anyone else. It turned out he was juggling several different women (each of whom believed he was only dating her and was working the rest of the time). He was planning to cheat on all of them with me. If I hadn't asked and then had objected later, he probably would have said I didn't ask, so he didn't think it was important.

And that's the second reason for asking. Yeah, some people will lie through their teeth and congratulate themselves on how slick they are. But when you catch them lying, and you will, they can't whine that you didn't ask, they didn't think it mattered, blah blah. It's quite clear what sort of person they are and that makes cutting your losses a lot easier. I wouldn't want any part in helping a man cheat on another woman, and I wouldn't want to date the kind of man who didn't care if his date was cheating on someone.

When I had just started dating someone, I didn't care if he was also dating other people. I did care if there was anyone in his life who might reasonably object to his dating me.

I'm with the Former Banker... What is the context in which this is coming up? How does this come up in conversation?

Beyond that, Jerry got my meaning, but let me put a finer point on it. What's HER definition of "Seeing" other people?

I dunno if what we are seeing here is lying, as much as a difference of opinion on what it meant. That was partially my point, inelegantly made, about women lying too. I wasn't making a point about boys and girls as much as that their agendas are different.

People can easily sell themselves a story about what they are hearing, or what they believe. Knew a girl once that had 3 guys who were exclusive with her... it's just that she wasn't exclusive with them. She told herself this was not a problem. She was very pretty but rotten at the core.

Guys may or may not be "Lying" to her, what question is she actually asking? You wouldn't say "I'm not seeing anyone" in a vacuum.

Sounds a lot like a setup... where this is done so there can be some righteous anger on her part.

The question could easily be headed off by her just saying: "you're not going out with anyone else at all?"
Also? She has to realize this is not a FOREVER kind of question. If the guy isn't going out with someone else AT THAT POINT, that doesn't mean he might not go out with someone later that week-month... Unless she has demanded exclusivity herself, that ISN'T lying.

Ps. Challenge Q? are funny, but I always want to answer the question wrong... just to amuse.

"She wants to know why men ANNOUNCE that they are not seeing anyone else -- without being asked." Amy

I don;t believe that... there is more context. Unless she dates some really strange guys.

cmrlh: How did you learn to spot the jerks online? I need to know so I can work on my camouflage.

Angie and Lizzie's comments speak to me. I wouldn't be surprised if it was a way to manipulate her into locking down their rate. I'm like Lizzie's cousin, I hide my profile and don't look around when I'm working on a mark. It just seems polite/proper. But I'm a 'beta-provider' - half way between doormat and alpha- so don't follow my lead unless you want to finish mid-pack.

This may seem unrelated but I don't think it is: Why is it that 99% of the women on Match choose the exact same answer to the alcohol question, 3 out of 5, social drinker? Statistically unlikely.

Online dating is weird, an entire gender has decided on the 'right' answer to some of these questions.

I think your advice should be something along the lines of, "Congratulations! you've sussed out one of the quirky little inconsistencies in the online dating world. There are many little codes and games that you will have to learn to navigate and accept. Or you can go back to the bars and try and guess whether he can really afford that watch or not."

It's a joke Amy, I'd never do that to you ;)

It just struck me funny, thinking: It's easier to drive a pirate to drink, than to work.

I wonder if the problem under discussion is some niche thing based on region or perhaps age. Being late 40's I am really a different gen and expectation from early 30's...

I suppose that it's possible that there is a new generation of guy out there who reads the "what do women want" tea leaves, and says such things out of turn, and out of the blue.

The question will be, does it work for them?

I sense desperation. She senses herself as a happy single gal, while they are hearing biological ticking on how long they have to find an age appropriate child barer. Therefore, by declaring themselves mate-free they hope to set themselves apart from the rest of the crowd. It could mean, like another poster wrote, that he's trying to gauge her reaction to see if she has a few other men herself. I don't figure that the most socially adept individuals are perusing the online dating world, but I could be wrong.

"She wants to know why men ANNOUNCE that they are not seeing anyone else -- without being asked."

Short answer: they think that's what the woman wants to hear. Read into that what you will.

BTW: when can I pull away from this tomato sign?

"Even after I affirm that it's perfectly ok and that I retain my right to meet and date other men until I'm engaged, they are still adamant that they are not."

....engaged to be married? He has to put a ring on it before she's willing to agree to exclusivity? Am I reading this wrong? Because where I'm from, any sane guy would react to that statement by making a mental note: "Bitch be crazy."

If a guy told me that he was only willing to be exclusive with someone after they agreed to spend the rest of their lives together, I'd think the same thing. Why would you want to MARRY someone (aka, bet half your stuff that you'll love them forever), without first knowing what it's like to just be with that person for an extended period of time, as a couple?

Basically, she doesn't understand why guys feel compelled to claim to her that they aren't seeing anybody else before they even know her, let alone have spent any time with her. It's my suspicion they're used to women going a little psycho about this (women evolved to seek commitment from men) and they're leading with a lie because of it. Or maybe not a lie -- but leading with that information.

I asked my older brother about this, if he's ever told someone right out of the shoot that he's not seeing anyone, when he's on the first date with someone, and he looked at me as if I had three heads. He was all, "who is STOOPID enough to give up that information, even if it is true, on a first date? And why on earth would a woman even believe that? Is this a test??" Then he said, in all seriousness, that any man who offers up a statement like that on a first date must be desperate to get laid. He said there's no other reason than to make sure the woman is okay with taking her panties off, like it's some kind of security or something. I asked him if he ever did that. He just started laughing.

I've been on a lot of first dates, and I've had a few guys volunteer that information. I think they were angling to see if I was seeing other guys, because the logical reply would be 'I'm not seeing anyone else either'.

I would just reply 'That's nice', and change the subject. If they pushed me for an answer, I would say 'I just met you'.

"and last night we went to the premiere of the next season of Justified, which is FANTASTIC. ...

Sorry...somehow I got off on a totally off-topic TV riff"-Amy

Ahhhh! I'm so excited for it to come on TV! No need to apologize, I'm glad to hear the next season sounds like it will be great!

A woman wants to know why, early on in the online dating process (on the phone or in the first week of dating) men announce that they are not seeing or even interested in anyone else -- when that isn't true.

Why do guys do this?

My guess would be: they do it because they think that's what a woman wants to hear.