The American Child-Centric World And The French Way Of Doing It
Pamela Druckerman writes in the WSJ of the differences between American and French parenting (echoing a good deal of what I wrote about parenting, French and American, in I See Rude People):
The French have managed to be involved with their families without becoming obsessive. They assume that even good parents aren't at the constant service of their children, and that there is no need to feel guilty about this. "For me, the evenings are for the parents," one Parisian mother told me. "My daughter can be with us if she wants, but it's adult time." French parents want their kids to be stimulated, but not all the time. While some American toddlers are getting Mandarin tutors and preliteracy training, French kids are--by design--toddling around by themselves....The French, I found, seem to have a whole different framework for raising kids. When I asked French parents how they disciplined their children, it took them a few beats just to understand what I meant. "Ah, you mean how do we educate them?" they asked. "Discipline," I soon realized, is a narrow, seldom-used notion that deals with punishment. Whereas "educating" (which has nothing to do with school) is something they imagined themselves to be doing all the time.
One of the keys to this education is the simple act of learning how to wait. It is why the French babies I meet mostly sleep through the night from two or three months old. Their parents don't pick them up the second they start crying, allowing the babies to learn how to fall back asleep. It is also why French toddlers will sit happily at a restaurant. Rather than snacking all day like American children, they mostly have to wait until mealtime to eat. (French kids consistently have three meals a day and one snack around 4 p.m.)
She talks to a woman, Delphine, with a young child, Pauline:
When Pauline tried to interrupt our conversation, Delphine said, "Just wait two minutes, my little one. I'm in the middle of talking." It was both very polite and very firm. I was struck both by how sweetly Delphine said it and by how certain she seemed that Pauline would obey her. Delphine was also teaching her kids a related skill: learning to play by themselves. "The most important thing is that he learns to be happy by himself," she said of her son, Aubane.
The French have the highest per capita rate of psychiatrist use, according to the blurb on the French medical system in the textbook I used when I was teaching.
NicoleK at February 5, 2012 1:18 AM
"The French have the highest per capita rate of psychiatrist use, "
No wonder they're so mentally healthy. They turn to a trained professional instead of Dr. Laura, Oprah, or Father McGrope for assistance.
Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at February 5, 2012 8:39 AM
Same thing with people and their dogs. I hardly ever hear anyone tell their dog "No" with conviction. They just say the dog's name, and the dog goes on doing whatever it's doing.
My employer is planning a family day, and you couldn't pay me to go. I can barely tolerate well behaved adults at a large, unstructured gathering, let alone a bunch of howler monkeys.
Lori at February 5, 2012 9:59 AM
I certainly don't think this is unilaterally Gallic. My grandmother raised her children this way, and my parents employed a modified version. It was common sense in America as well. Now "Kathy, drink your juice" has been replaced with "Kahthylynne, would you like to have your juice now or later?" Bizarre.
I imagine some people will trace the cause to the American societal changes of the 1960s; that may be true, at least in part. I'm less interested in the root cause than I am the effect.
Kevin at February 5, 2012 10:14 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/02/the-american-ch.html#comment-2960342">comment from LoriSame thing with people and their dogs. I hardly ever hear anyone tell their dog "No" with conviction.
My dog ignores everything Gregg says, save for the words "go outside" and "treat."
This is because Gregg talks to her like she's a four-legged piece of porcelain.
I bark at her: "Lie down!" And she does. Immediately. And "No noise!" Yes, I've trained my dog not to bark. If there's danger, she'll bark, but if she needs me to carry her back inside (she's old, so I have to carry her up and down the steps), and I've left her out there for a while, she'll make this little swallowed noise...just one...and I'll come out and get her. (I live with neighbors close to me on all sides, and it's my feeling that your reading, sleep and life in general shouldn't be disturbed just because I choose to have a pet.)
Amy Alkon
at February 5, 2012 10:29 AM
I should get Mrs D to write The Secrets of Japanese Parenting. Imagine the virtues of short summer vacations with homework, and mandatory exercise in the morning. (No, not that kind, we're talking kids here!) Group exercise with attendance taken. Schools cleaned by the kids themselves, not custodians.
Don't like school? No problem, you don't need to go to high school. Actually, you can't go to high school unless you pass the entrance exam.
It would sell in the single digits. Taking responsibility for one's life is not popular among adults, and forbidden to the young here.
MarkD at February 6, 2012 4:47 AM
Regarding teaching kids to play by themselves: Too many American parents confuse a kid's need for same-age playmates with the need for parental attention. That is, of course kids over the age of three need to learn to amuse themselves when play dates can't be made, and parents shouldn't feel guilty about that, but kids still need same-age playmates - a lot. Siblings very often just aren't good enough, partly because of age differences, but also because you can't send them away when you're tired of them.
In the same vein, doing chores together IS parental time/quality time, so don't feel guilty if most of your time together consists of that and only one baby game per day. Just remember to read intelligent books to them too - and pick three books off the shelf BEFORE saying "which book do you want?" It's less tiresome that way.
Common sense.
lenona at February 6, 2012 3:20 PM
From Bratfree, Amethyst writes:
"Unlike American parents, French parents:
1 Do not try to be their childrens' best friends.
2 Never consider their children equal in any way whatsoever with adults.
3 Hold their expectations just slightly higher than where their child is at the moment.
4 Make sure they're on side with teachers and other adults who have to deal with their offspring. They NEVER side with their offspring when an adult has something negative to report about them.
5 Never allow their children to become fat. It damages their endocrine system, disrupts their hormone levels, and permanently alters their personalities.
6 Don't just demonstrate leadership in their families, they ARE the leaders in their families."
lenona at February 6, 2012 3:40 PM
Here's another article by Druckerman, with video:
http://moms.today.msnbc.msn.com/_news/2012/02/07/10312701-the-french-are-better-parents-excusez-moi
Five pages of comments, at least. Haven't read all of then just yet, but the one that may be the best is:
Spectacularj1
Let's see, French moms don't:
Feed their kids McDonald's every day, expose their children to religion (and the nonsense that is intelligent design, etc), don't raise their to believe that sex is awful but violence is ok, don't have a disdain for education (or elitism as we like to say in the US).
That's just to name a few, so yes it is entirely possible that they are better parents.
Reply#42 - Tue Feb 7, 2012 11:35 AM EST
(And it's incredible how so many other commentators are trying to ignore the laws of averages by pointing out that bad parents exist in all countries! As if even ONE country couldn't possibly have better parents, on average, than the U.S.!)
lenona at February 8, 2012 7:10 AM
Whoops - it's a REVIEW of Druckerman's book.
lenona at February 8, 2012 9:14 AM
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