Tonight, Advice Goddess Radio, 7-8pm PT, 10-11pm ET: Dr. Robin Stern, Ph.D., Giving The Boot To The Manipulators In Your Life
Ever had somebody keep telling you down is up and 2+2 is 5 until you break down and agree with them?
At first, you're all, "Naw, that's not how it is," but they keep at you and keep at you until you start to say "Maybe they're right..." against all your better judgment.
If you've had this experience -- and I think we've all had this experience -- you've experienced gaslighting, an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation. If you keep putting up with it, you can lose who you are and start living a life where you're walking on eggshells all the time, trying to avoid setting off the person who's been manipulating you.
Tonight on Advice Goddess Radio, 7-8pm Pacific, 10-11pm Eastern, therapist Dr. Robin Stern, Ph.D., on gaslighting -- what it is and how to stop it:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon/2012/02/07/advice-goddess-radio-amy-alkon
Listen live, call in (347-326-9761 when show is live), download the podcast afterward.
Stern is the author of a book, The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life
What your boyfriend's doing to you is "gaslighting," which, unfortunately, only sounds like lighting farts on fire. It's actually insidious emotional abuse that gets its name from the 1944 Ingrid Bergman movie, Gaslight, about an heiress whose husband makes small changes around their home (like making their gas-powered lights flicker), then denies anything's different, making her believe her sanity's gone off its hinges.In a relationship, writes Dr. Robin Stern in The Gaslight Effect, you're being gaslighted when somebody relentlessly pressures you to believe the unbelievable and do what you know you shouldn't. Stern explains that the gaslighter "needs to be right in order to preserve his own sense of self and his sense of having power in the world," while the gaslightee allows him to bully away her sense of reality and self because she fears losing his love and approval. Of course, in your case, it could have something to do with not wanting to think you've wasted five years with "a selfish, manipulative ass." (Fart-play suddenly sounding inviting?)
"Ever had somebody pressure and pressure you until you do what you know you shouldn't until you finally broke down and gave in?"
Sure it's called nagging, happens all the time.
Joe J at February 6, 2012 7:35 AM
Is there a problem with last weeks show? I tried downloading it 3 timnes and its less than 30 minutes long
lujlp at February 6, 2012 8:46 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/02/tonight-advice-4.html#comment-2961674">comment from lujlpI haven't heard that from anyone else. Thanks for telling me. Going to check now.
Amy Alkon
at February 6, 2012 8:47 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/02/tonight-advice-4.html#comment-2961681">comment from Amy AlkonIt's coming in at 64 minutes on iTunes -- also just downloaded it from blogtalkradio. I just emailed it to you. This hasn't happened before, has it? Could it be your connection? Your OS?
Amy Alkon
at February 6, 2012 8:52 AM
I had a coworker gaslight me, and it was one of the worst things I ever went through. She'd gotten another coworker fired and drove someone else off. I think she had a lousy life and couldn't stand being around someone who was happy. Or a better employee--according to our log sheet, I did 90% of the work between the two of us. She spent a lot of time nitpicking my work and running to our boss to complain about it. He knew she was a nut job, sweet half the time and with a burr up her butt the other half, but for whatever reason (maybe he was gaslighted too?) wouldn't get rid of her. I got to the point where I couldn't relax, even when I was home. I quit because the situation was absolutely untenable. I couldn't collect unemployment and I was too sick to work for awhile. Thankfully, my brother paid for me to see his doctor, I got some temp work at a nice office, and went to work for a competitor of my old employer a few months later.
A few years after that, the company I was working for was looking at buying my old employer. The partners where I worked specifically said they wouldn't hire this woman I'd worked with: when one of the partners was considering hiring me, he called my old boss who confirmed everything I said about that nutjob. Ha! They ended up not buying the office--they heard too many problems about it from too many people. Unfortunately, a few employees from Crazytown did come to work with us. If only the partners had asked me about them, too.
Lori at February 6, 2012 9:32 PM
So, based on the good Dr. Stern's book, only men gaslight women. And after reading it, that's exactly what she is saying (with the wierd exception, that mothers gaslight). So men and mothers are the only ones that do this, according to her.
What a crock.
E. Steven Berkimer at February 7, 2012 9:28 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/02/tonight-advice-4.html#comment-2963917">comment from E. Steven BerkimerShe didn't say that only men and mothers do this; just that most of her patients who are victims of gaslighting are women. This could possibly be because certain women seek out female therapists and certain men seek out male therapists. People get gaslighted. Gregg just talked to me on the phone about a woman he was involved with who did it to him. I've been gaslighted (talked about it on the show). Because I'm not a lesbian, it happened to be by a man. This is not a sign that men are evil. It's a sign that I needed to develop some self-respect and confidence before getting in a relationship.
Amy Alkon
at February 7, 2012 9:37 AM
Amy,
Good show. I did not know that you had such
a clear, measured talking voice.
Your show loaded up on my iPad no problem all 64 minutes.
I don't know why Lujlp had a problem.
chang at February 7, 2012 6:27 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2012/02/tonight-advice-4.html#comment-2964902">comment from changChang, thank you so much...I work so hard on this thing -- and I've worked to be a better talker...means a lot!
Amy Alkon
at February 7, 2012 7:29 PM
I refuse to use iTunes on princaple. So I was downloading it thru the blogtalk website
lujlp at February 8, 2012 8:16 AM
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