Oh man, two weeks ago there was a great thought about this on the internet somewhere, but I'll never remember where. Gist: People often, tragically, show a lot more courtesy to the feelings of strangers than to those they love most. They'll roll their eyes at a spouse in way they'd never do for an asshole on a bus.

This.

Secret to a solid friendship? This.

Secret to getting along with your kids/parents? This.

Secret to a happy marriage? This.

No use getting worked up about stupid shit.

"As a loudmouth, raging feminist who is pro-men and marriage, I learned that a little less raging got me a lot more love."

Imagine that. Even a feminist can learn.

Imagine that. Even a feminist can learn.

Glad you're willing to acknowledge that, Bob. It makes things a little bit nicer all around.

*eye roll*

o.O

From Miss Manners (OK, so this isn't about spouses, but still):

"One surprising but useful byproduct of being a doting parent is that the child doted upon gets upset when that parent is unhappy with him. The more cheerful and satisfied the normal state of the parent, the easier it is to register displeasure. Thus, a surly parent may have to resort to terrible measures to convince the child that there has been any loss of satisfaction, since none was apparent anyway; but a happy parent may be able to instill awe and remorse with only a severe look. This is an incentive, if any were needed, for maintaining an affectionate and pleasant household. Your truly devoted parent has incredible power. Miss Manners has known them to wither children into fearful obedience with only the quiet statement 'I am disappointed in you.'

"Along with physical violence, emotional violence is outlawed by Miss Manners as a means of punishment. It is not necessary to assassinate a person's entire character in order to clear it of undesirable practices. 'Clean up that mess this minute' is a permissible parental remark; 'you're a slob' is not. Keeping the complaint within boundaries is, she admits, difficult. Family life is conducive to the development of amateur lawyers, and there is always a temptation to make a more significant case. But 'why do you always get everything wrong?' is not a question that leads to self-improvement, whereas 'why are you leaving that dish in the sink instead of washing it?' while no more sensible, may be."

(end)

Unfortunately, I know at least one social worker who thinks that even saying "I am disappointed in you" is way too harsh to say to children. I don't quite know how she manages to benefit her clients!

One point of His Needs, Her Needs is that what men want more than anything is admiration [and respect.]

My ex would give some compliments, but would also say the nastiest, meanest things about things important to me. Between that and other behavior it was genuine emotional abuse. What bothers me the most isn't how common this is and how vehemently women in general justify their behavior and that of other women.

And people wonder why men aren't getting married.

What bothers me the most isn't how common this is and how vehemently women in general justify their behavior and that of other women.

But don't you guys understand that a lot of the time it's sweeping generalizations like this that just keep adding fuel to the fire?

*no eye roll*

o.O

One gets treated no better than what one tolerates. And that it is difficult to walk back once the other party is used to a certain level of discourse.

That's my observation, based upon years of experience. YMMV.

My wife will spend an hour making me a nice dinner and then thank me for doing the dishes. (Of course, I compliment her on the dinner)

I have never heard my wife say anything negative about me, and, from her friends' comments, she isn't complaining to them either.

Her example has made me a better person. I think I need to tell her that.

This story is a good example of Joel Grey's philosophy in "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus". Men want to be appreciated by their girlfriends/wives. The woman harping on her husband just told him she didn't like him. Complimenting on his shirt, his choice of wearing it, told him she liked him. That allowed him to remember something nice she did for him - bought a shirt for him from the GAP. His wanting to wear that shirt, the gift she gave him, is his new found connection to her. It really wasn't about the shirt is also green.

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, and How You Can Make Yours Last

Psychologist John Gottman learned in school many reasons why couples bonded or separated and decided to check it out. He couldn't verify anything, and decided that the conventional wisdom was only a guess. Gottman now bases his recommendations on his direct observation of couples in his lab, where they spend 3 days being videotaped (but not in the bathroom or bed).

He was able to make a 90% correct prediction of which couples would break up within the next 3 years, based on how attentive the couples were to each other, how many "bids" for attention or help were received rather than ignored by their partner. The rule seems to be that the couple will break up if they ignore more than 1 out of 7 requests for attention, or if they demean or criticize. Other things were less important.

I'm surprised how sad this made me... after 9 years gone, you would think I'd gotten over it...

But the key issue is always that the 2 still have some sort of feeling for each other.
Once one doesn't actually care, you can't bring it back.

o.O

What is that?

What is that?

'That' is just me, trying to convey a skeptical look, or maybe a raised eyebrow. You know, how people use ':)' for a smiley face?

Looks better in a text message, I guess...

o.O is the "japanimation" version of :) based on the oversized eyes of Japanese animation characters. You will also sometimes see ^-^ for when such characters are happy smiling with their eyes closed.

Ah.

Thank you.

ṌoṎ

Bushy eyebrows.

You'd swear there was more hate in a lot of relationships than love.

Thumbs up to Marie for caring enough to take the time to do something about the problems in her relationship and for putting in the little bit of effort it requires to remind ourselves we do actually love our partners. Our partners afterall are not the enemy but it can certainly seem that way by the way we act towards them. A little act of kindness goes a very long way.