Oink, Oink, Oink, Please Pass The Salt
I answer a lot of questions that will never make my column, and this is one from this morning. (I'm on deadline today, but I needed a mental amuse bouche of sorts to wake up.) I thought I'd publish it here because it's an issue I hear from time to time, related to my writing on rudeness. The email:

I try to be tolerant of people's quirks because none of us are perfect.  However, I have a cousin whose table manners include licking his plate, sticking his finger in his nose, talking with food in his mouth and eating salad and olives with his fingers.  My cousin does not have any medical condition that can explain this behavior.  He has a Ph.D. and he is in his 60s.

Am I required to accept invitations to dine at his house because I am his cousin?  If I am allowed to repeatedly decline such invitations, what would be a polite and kind thing to say when he asks for a reason?  Is there a better way to deal with this situation than just avoiding him?

Thank you for the work you do and any advice you can give me.

- Perplexed

My response:

You aren't going to change the table manners of a man in his 60s. Thus, it's pointless to tell him why you aren't coming to dinner -- it's only hurtful -- and it's fine to decline. Just be "busy" when invited to dinner. If you want to see him, meet for drinks in very dark restaurants or go to a museum or an event like a gallery walk. I'm hoping his manners when not eating aren't as bad as when he is.

This column was in no way intended to be hurtful to pigs, one of which I was eating -- in the form of three strips of bacon -- while writing my response.