I will give references to people who've actually worked for me. I gave a well-deserved glowing one to this young girl I paid to do some reading for me so she could post it on Linked In. She ended up getting a job she loves from her cousin, but then, she was looking for a Manhattan apartment and was competing for one with plenty of takers. They looked at her Linked In and saw my reference -- noting her integrity, and what a great employee she'd be -- and gave her the apartment.

I really only post links to blog items on Facebook (save for an occasional post for a friend looking for an apartment or a babysitter in LA), and currently see a few people -- one I know and feel terrible for, and another who is a total stranger -- posting bleeding posts about their relationships that have ended badly. I got a question about this and I'm going to answer it for the column -- about what to do when somebody you know is doing that.

I do think it's good and important to mentor people, but I'm selective.

I have mentored my assistant and continue to -- and edit her stuff and help her make connections. She's a really compelling thinker and writer and it's been really exciting for me to help her bring out and manage her talent.

The young woman I wrote the reference letter for, I care deeply about. She's shown a lot of integrity and smarts -- and guts -- in the work she did for me, and I was happy to make connections for her. I tried to find her a job with a number of people I know, and felt good about every effort I made, though none came through -- terribly tough job market, not that she isn't good.

And a friend who has commented here, whose daughter I respect for her hard work throughout school, has asked me to talk to her daughter about writing. And I will happily do that, although I've asked her to ask her daughter to get a sense of the kind of writing she wants to do. I may also hire her for some part-time work in the summer. My friend has worked really hard and lived a frugal life so she could send her daughter to a top LA private school and to a top college, and I respect her for that, and I respect her daughter from what my friend's told me about her over the years (the kind of qualities her behavior seems to reflect).

In short, if you are going to ask somebody for something, there needs to be a real connection there and an emotional reason for them to help you. If I don't know you and am not inspired by what you do, not only will I not give you a recommendation, I'll probably "unfriend" you in whatever way or ways that is possible.

Actually, this woman who messaged me on Facebook used our mutual friend's name. The polite thing to do, and the smart thing to do, would be to ask him to ask me. I still would say no, but I wouldn't be offended because we have a relationship.

I recently asked a person who's a regular commenter here to read one of my chapters -- she's somebody I feel like I'm friends with (even though we have never met in person) and care about, and I respect her opinion. Also, I know she read and liked I See Rude People. Here's how I asked her (I went back and looked for the email):

I wanted to see if you would be interested in reading a chapter (on Communicating) from my book I'm completing now. If you don't have time or energy, not to worry. I just thought I'd see whether you'd be interested. And please, if you don't feel up to it or have time, I would rather you just say so. Don't want you to feel at all obligated.

All the best,-Amy

PS If you do want to read it, I can either email you a PDF or print it out and mail it to you. I prefer to read things on the printed page, and that is no problem to do -- to send that way, if you do have time to read it.

Note that I offered to print it out and mail it to her. What was primary to me was HER convenience, and making it easy for her to read if she wanted to read it.

And she did read it, and really liked it, and found one thing I'd gotten lazy on that I needed to fix, which I did. Her read (and what she liked and notated) helped me see that I'm on the right track with the way I'm doing this book, which I was a little nervous about.

Getting back to Boldy Beth's comment, I realize that when I ask things of people that there needs to be something in it for them. It can't just be that I need their help. At the very least, if I were asking somebody for a blurb, I'd show them that I'd read their work and understood it.

I ask people on my radio show using this notion. I wrote to my guest for this weekend, Dr. Richard Wiseman, in a way that showed him that I really respect and am excited by his work -- and that I get it. I also gave him a link to a show by Dr. Dylan Evans, whom he knows, to show him that coming on this show would be worth his while. I also tell guests I will promote their books on the show -- which is easy, because I only have on guests whose work I really respect. (I would be embarrassed to promote sucky thinking!)

So, you can't just have brass balls -- you need to accessorize them with thoughtfulness.

Tee hee!

Interesting, anonymous. Thanks for posting that.

I have two literary agents who co-rep me, but the woman of the two does more of the word-by-word, deal-point-by-deal-point work.

Anyway, just after we had decided to be agent/client, she went on just-had-a-kid leave. (She told me she was pregnant before she signed me, and I wanted her enough that I didn't mind waiting.) She was gone from November through March. She told me I was the ONLY client of hers who didn't contact her in this time and really appreciated that. And believe me, patience is not my greatest virtue, and I wanted to, and had stuff to ask her, because she had intended to finish going through my proposal in November, before she left and didn't have time. But, "leave" means you've LEFT, or it would be called "still kinda working." So, I pretended she was in Greenland with no phone service or Internet access and left her alone.

I also take criticism very well from people I respect, and my agent made my book better by "tweaking" the approach. I truly appreciate this and thank her for it from time to time.

The other thing, and I write about this in the book I'm working on now: Everybody underestimates, 1. How long it will take them to write something, and 2. How long it will take them to read something -- if they ever do.

Not having unrealistic expectations in these areas is very helpful.

And I think I helped a friend of mine by telling her when she got criticism from an agent about her novel to not do what we automatically do -- get defensive -- but to look and see if there was some validity. The agent told her her character needed more vulnerability. That seems like an overwhelming thing. But, I told my friend, "Go through your manuscript with little yellow sticky bookmark tags and a highlighter, and highlight/sticky every place where you could add a little." She did, and made the changes, and the book is much richer now.