You mean compliment like this cab goes well with this ribeye, or like "you look wonderful in the morning"?

Some guys are not verbally expressive. But I also think couples need to compromise with each other on their communication methods. In other words, if it's extremely important to her, she needs to let him know in a tactful way that hearing those words are important to her. Then he could work on trying to give more compliments -- and she could work on needing them a little less, and appreciating the other ways he expresses himself, too. That way they could meet in the middle.

I've also read that women crave love, and men crave respect. We expect our mate to give us what we want, but they might not realize that because they want something else. So a woman might give (and hope to receive) many expressions of love while the guy is giving (and hoping to receive) expressions of respect. He might not compliment her, but does he show her he respects her? That could be his way of doing it. I tell my boyfriend quite often that I love him, but he absolutely lights up when I tell him I respect him for something. Just the other day I saw realization dawning on his face when it sank in that I like to hear the L word. To him, it's not as important to hear it, so he doesn't always think to say it.

I've always done my best to compliment ladies over the years. And even if they aren't my girlfriend.

You never know who could become one. That's how I got my last one.

You might want to check out the 5 Love Languages.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/

I have no idea whether any of this has any basis in science, but it seems to play out pretty accurately for the people I know. Some friends of mine are on the verge of divorce in part because they miss the mark a lot in how they express love.

I think for some guys, it just doesn't occur to them. Like: "She knows I think she's beautiful. I don't need to tell her all the time." That, or it's such a common part of their lives that it doesn't register as something he needs to mention. If she's usually smart and funny, it just fades into the background.

I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade here. But I have a reason why I don't compliment women, even ones I'm dating.

It's been drilled out of me.

I abandoned giving compliments (unless extremely merited) because they were not valued by women. And I include outbursts, personal insults, slaps, attention-seeking behavior and various other negative reactions under "not valued."

When enough women tell you you're an evil SOB because you dared tell a woman she's pretty, you stop telling women what you think.

In my experience, women just want a verbal acknowledgment that men actually see them, particularly if they've made any changes to their appearance.

Specific compliments showing that you notice those changes tend to be the best... unless it's something like plastic surgery or weight loss, when it's easier to say "Wow! You look like a million bucks!"

Years of worrying about sexual harassment in the workplace has bled over to the social scene. Guys think, "If I tell my date,'you look lovely tonight', would she be offended or think I am hitting on her ?" Guys learn to control what they say to women 40 hours/ week for years. So not complementing becomes a conditioned reflex.

Guys also remember holding the door or chair for a lady and getting in return that scornful look that says "I can open my own door, bozo." Eventually, you stop opening doors for them.

The above does not apply to long term relationships where complementing is good for both parties.

"Complement" is the cab goes well with the ribeye. "Complimenting" is the latter.

So, "This wine complements this steak" is wrong. I'll file that away for the future. Thank you.

Chris: If this is happening with women you're dating, then either you're doing it very, very wrong or you need to re-evaluate the kinds of women you date.

If you're regularly getting slapped and derided by more casual contacts for telling them that they're pretty, you might also want to reconsider your communication style. I just don't know anyone who would do any of these things to a man who told her she was pretty, even my hardcore feminist friends.

Better to err on the side of too much assholery than not enough.

Better to err on the side of too little praise than too much.

http://heartiste.wordpress.com/2012/06/01/the-flattery-trap/

If you're regularly getting slapped and derided by more casual contacts for telling them that they're pretty, you might also want to reconsider your communication style. I just don't know anyone who would do any of these things to a man who told her she was pretty, even my hardcore feminist friends.

That. Exactly that.

Whenever I hear men say or imply that "Women just don't like nice guys," I suspect the problem is with the "nice guy."

Trust me, the vast majority of women don't dole out slaps for nothing. What did you say just before she slapped you, Chris, and what was the situation?

I think Hannah S nailed it with the idea, we give what we want back, not what the other person wants.
I've run into this a few times where, women seem to want to be complimented on things rather than themselves directly, while men it's the opposite. So it seems that to a woman, 'that blouse looks good on you' is way better than 'you look sexy.' Because the former is seen as complimenting her fashion sense, while the latter, is sometimes a minefield for a dozen different reasons, guys don't understand.

While I feel with men it's the opposite, complimenting the clothes is not actually complimenting the person. Telling me 'that shirt looks good' is pretty meaningless. Since odds are it was a gift, and the next thing on the rack in the closet. Fashion sense is not something I value at all.

And once you have been in the doghouse a few times for things she didn't take well, you stop giving compliments.

First off, I refuse to believe women treating me poorly is 100% my fault. Am I perfect? Hell no. Do I deserve being insulted for telling a woman she's pretty? HELL no.

Next, interesting that the slap was focused on when it was only one of many reactions I tend to get. Or used to.

I wasn't just referencing women I date. They don't usually deride me for compliments...maybe because I rarely give them.

Complimenting a cashier at a coffee shop, or during a random conversation waiting in the post office line? Get ready for an insult to my masculinity, rolled eyes, laughing in my face or (in one case) a woman following me out to insult me in the parking lot.

How interesting that Amy's topic is, "Why Some Men Don't Compliment The Women They're With"...and when I say why I don't, I'm told it's my problem. Hmmmm, I wonder if that relates to the original query.

Snoopy: Thumbs-up from a multi-year MGTOW.

Next, interesting that the slap was focused on when it was only one of many reactions I tend to get. Or used to.

It was focused on because it was an extreme physical reaction -- a reaction not necessarily because of, but that followed something you said.

Chris,
In order to get slapped did you say something like, Wow, nice ass? I have complimented and not complimented women for a long time and have never even had near a reaction like that. (Well there was one that was drunk and she did misunderstand what I said). Perhaps you are complimenting the wrong women. When I compliment a woman it is only because I truly feel that it is deserved. This means compliments from me come infrequently, ask my wife. Perhaps I take her for granted. I do however tell her I love her at least once a day. Let's face it we look like what we look like, compliments are at best the icing on the cake, how you treat each other is the cake.

First off, I refuse to believe women treating me poorly is 100% my fault.

No one said that. We suggested you consider how you present yourself. Defensive much?

Next, interesting that the slap was focused on when it was only one of many reactions I tend to get. Or used to.

As Kevin said, we mentioned this because it is an extreme physical reaction. I also said "derided," which is not slapping.

How interesting that Amy's topic is, "Why Some Men Don't Compliment The Women They're With"...and when I say why I don't, I'm told it's my problem. Hmmmm, I wonder if that relates to the original query.

I have no idea whether the reactions you get are your fault. I don't know you, or the women you were "complimenting." However, if you were frequently getting the kinds of reactions most men don't get, the common denominator there is you, and you might want to examine your approach.

Or not. You seem perfectly happy with your situation as it is, so carry on. But if other men are getting the same reaction and are wondering why, looking in the mirror isn't a bad firs step.

In my experience, the decrease in the desire to compliment women tends to stem from a lack of graciousness and appreciation on the part of the recipient.

When someone makes an effort to do something, they expect a payoff. In the case complimenting a woman, the payoff should be at least a smile. Something to make the giver feel that their effort was received and valued, even if it's just a little bit.

When compliments are not well received or valued, they are no longer worth the effort.

For those that would snark that complimenting a woman isn't much of an effort, I would retort that neither is a smile and a thank you.

You might want to check out the 5 Love Languages.

@MonicaP, I was going to post that very link, but you beat me to it. :)

Understanding the love languages has helped me out a ton. I'm an "Acts of Service" kind of gal, and my boyfriend is all about "Physical touch." I was getting so frustrated, constantly thinking, "Why the HELL do you want to cuddle, when you COULD be taking out the trash/doing the dishes/folding your clothes like you told me you'd do earlier? If you loved me, you'd DO that stuff instead of wanting to lie around in bed when there's so much to do!"

...we were just speaking different languages, and I get that now.

As for the not complimenting thing...I've had some men tell me it just "feels weird" to have to "come up with" compliments that "weren't good enough." What they didn't get is that their women didn't want freakin' sonets. "Hey, you look AWESOME in that dress!" or "You look pretty." would suffice.

There is a very clear social rule: You do not comment on a stranger's appearance. It doesn't matter if she's pretty, or if she has her blouse on inside out: any comment on her appearance by a stranger is weird at best, and threatening at worst.

Consider: Would you like a total stranger to walk up to you and tell you that your fly is open?

The topic of Amy's question is "women you are with", i.e., friends or romantic partners. In either case, there is nothing at all wrong with a compliment, as long as it is appropriate. Note the last phrase. Compliments are very personal; if one is socially "tone deaf", they can be misinterpreted.

I have the feeling that Chris is a bit tone deaf. That's not a personal attack, just an observation. Some people genuinely are, and learn (as he has) that it's better to say nothing...

When I am complimented I say thank you. However, if a guy I was making polite conversation with in the postal line suddenly told me I was beautiful or that my outfit was great, I would acknowledge it awkwardly ("umm, thanks") because I would worry it was the prelude to a pick-up attempt and wouldn't want to encourage it.

When you compliment someone and they say,"You're so full of shit," or "you're such a liar," you stop with the compliments. It's surprising how much that happens.

I know guys who resent that paying compliments to their partner is an "obligation," and the more they know it's expected/hoped for, the more grudging they are about giving them.

They feel like they're being forced to read from a script, which they find embarrassing and emasculating.

Some men are resentful over something else entirely, and they feel she doesn't deserve compliments until she rectifies whatever it is.

Also, a_random_guy is right: There are some people who are terrible at giving compliments, and they've learned to shut up because of the bad reactions. They insult people by giving compliments that are underwhelming, backhanded, crude, or unnecessarily specific.

Amy, have you read "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley? Some of this conversation reminds me of it.

I think there's truth to most of the comments here. Having trouble taking compliments is part of it, although there might be a deeper issue there. I think the affirmation/respect thing is part of it

I also think perspective contributes. For instance, she makes a big change in her hair and is a bit nervous about it, but he compliments her shoes. This might be part of why some attempts at complimenting go awry.

"I've had some men tell me it just 'feels weird' to have to 'come up with' compliments that 'weren't good enough.' "

If you grow up in an environment where those around you generally hold you to be inadequate as a human being, you soon learn that when someone gives you a compliment, it's because they either want you to do something for them, or they just want to play you for the fool. You learn that compliments, in general, are insincere and are a tool for manipulation. So, when you try to compliment someone else, it makes you feel like a phony. You walk away from it convinced that the person you complimented saw right through you, even if there was nothing to see. It actually makes you feel worse than if you had said nothing.

I wonder how generational this is, and geographical...
When I was younger, I didn't give out the compliments as much, because I did occasionally get a negative reaction... not like Chris, but not receptive... now that I'm older, I react a lot more often to what I'm seeing, because this comes from ME, and it's what I THINK.

How she reacts to it, is not my concern, and if she gets nasty about it? Well, now I know what she's like.

There are limitations. I don't compliment much at work, unless I know someone well. AND IMPORTANTLY, if that person is... mmm, can't come up with a good word, so I'll say limitedly affectionate. In other words, when it's obvious that you have a headache or don't feel well, this is the person who says "I've got aspirin, you want some?" Same person who puts up balloons in your cube on your birthday, unbidden. She does this for everyone in the group, she just that person. Another woman in the group, same age, slightly different job... is just. Not that person you would compliment. She isn't unfriendly, quite the contrary, but not someone you'd mention her new shoes...
While the other is very happy you liked her new shoes, or hairstyle or whatever.

At work, NEVER compliment a woman you DON'T know. This can become a problem, and it's all about her reaction to what you say.

Since there are exceptions to every rule, there are many guys, who simply don't. It's easier to avoid all difficulties than to say something.

However, when it's a woman you know? Why wouldn't you do a simple thing to make her happy... all you have to do is watch, and see what thing makes her smile... notice things, it doesn't have to be big.

My hairdresser is very obsessive and keeps asking, what does your husband say about your hair? Does he like the color?? and I have to keep telling her he never says anything about it or the way I look otherwise. He's just kinda self-absorbed, or notices important things like boobs or nakedness.

So I tease him with "do I look glamorous?" and stuff, and of course he has to say yes. Same thing with dinner - I ask him if it's okay. Then he comes out with the obligatory compliment.

It's just a game I have to play & it's okay with me.

You do not comment on a stranger's appearance.

I wish everyone understood this, and that it includes concern-trollish remarks like "you look tired!" or "you look depressed!"

The relationship I'm in now (which is leading to marriage without a doubt, and yes, she says so too), came about because the first thing I said to her upon learning her name was "Lovely name for a lovely woman." What led her to give me her number was my staring at her (I met her at her place of work) for what I took to be a moment too long and breaking eye contact I said, "I'm sorry if I'm staring but you're just such a treat to look at."

I tell her every day how beautiful, how cute, how sexy she is because I look at her and that's what I see.
So in response to Amy's question, I have no idea why a man would not compliment a woman with whom he is involved. Such a compliment reflects on the giver as well as pleases the recipient.

So, "This wine complements this steak" is wrong.

No, it's right (if the wine does indeed go well with the steak).

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/complement

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/compliment

I don't compliment my gf as much anymore, simply for the reason that whenever I do, she just says, "you're silly". So, yeah. I love her like crazy and I know that she loves me, but compliments just don't rank high on her list of necessities. She sure likes flowers, though. And when I take care of chores. So I guess it works.

When you compliment someone and they say,"You're so full of shit," or "you're such a liar," you stop with the compliments. It's surprising how much that happens.

Doesn't that reflect poorly on your choice of women? That is not a universal reaction among women. As others have pointed out, they've actually landed lifetime mates by giving a well-timed compliment. If you to pick petty, vindictive, sarcastic or bitter women, it becomes a vicious cycle. As Amy says, the problem is your inability to recognize your bad choices in women. So you pick the kind of women who deride you for giving a compliment...then you turn that into a universal (and somewhat bitter) rule that you'll never compliment women, and that keeps you from attracting the kind of women who respond positively to compliments and appreciate them.

I do think that women should be appreciative and gracious when they receive compliments from their special man. But if she's not, you have a bigger problem than whether or not to compliment her -- you have the problem of being incapable of recognizing the woman you picked was petty and mean, before you got into a relationship with her.

because I would worry it was the prelude to a pick-up attempt and wouldn't want to encourage it.

This is important. It can be a difficult line to walk for a woman in a customer-service position, since she has to be friendly but doesn't necessarily want a date offer.

For other women, it can be a social gap in which they were never taught how to accept a compliment. You don't need to compliment the person back or make a big deal of it. If all else fails, just say "thank you."

I once worked with a 30ish Southern woman, cute but not beautiful, who was a world class man-magnet. She had dates 6 nights a week, always with successful, attractive men, and as near as I could tell, didn't sleep with any of them. It mystified me.
Then one day, I heard one of the VPs walk by her desk and compliment her blouse. She glanced up, made eye contact, smiled and said "David, how kind of you to notice!" and returned to her work.
The basis of her exceptional charm was the ability to spin that compliment right back at him. A lost art, perhaps, as the men commenting seem to find giving compliments unrewarding bordering on dangerous.

Okay, got a few minutes on my lunch break so I can post. I think I was still very tired this morning...my posts read terribly.

@a_random_guy - "tone deaf" is a great way to characterize it. For years I had no awareness of many social cues, and I'm sure I bumped up against the wrong side of a few norms (such as complimenting a stranger). Old mannerisms from older generations - "compliment a lady when she looks good, be respectful, treat them well."

It took studying Game to recognize the wrongness of these. But by then, I'd learned not to compliment anyway.

> The basis of her exceptional charm was
> the ability to spin that compliment right
> back at him.

It's never mechanical. There are permutations. Some favorite advice: Make men feel like men, make women feel like women.

I think the man/woman complimenting discussion is ironic.

It seems like female/female complimenting is the most insincere and used in social situations as an "in" or some sort of positioning.
"Oh, I like that purse" etc.

I have no problem with it, other than how blatantly insincere it appears.

And then thinking back to the man/woman thing, no compliment from a guy is better than a fake or forced compliment.
But then, I'm a guy.

>>Doesn't that reflect poorly on your choice of women?

Maybe, maybe not. I guess it would depend on how important it was to me that she was able to accept a compliment. If, in fact, it doesn't bother me to not give a compliment it is a small price to pay, considering her other positive qualities. I don't think the inability to accept a compliment is a universal deal breaker or always a sign that a person is a "poor choice."

>>.then you turn that into a universal (and somewhat bitter) rule that you'll never compliment women

Well, you'll be glad to know that I haven't made a universal no-compliment rule.

Matt, good point. As soon as I posted, I realized...it's not a big deal if you're not that attached to giving compliments anyway. Sorry to go on attack!

I guess I defend compliment-giving so fiercely, and encourage even reluctant complimenters to try it, is because I see them as verbal acts of kindness. When I give a compliment to a man OR a woman, it isn't because I'm trying to get anything out of them. It's because I like something about them and I want to brighten their day by letting them know. It's that simple. It makes me sad to see so many people with downer attitudes about compliments here!

I will admit that one does have to learn how to accept a compliment and there are a lot of people who just never did. So their responses might not be hostility, but just awkwardness.

Trust me, the vast majority of women don't dole out slaps for nothing. What did you say just before she slapped you, Chris, and what was the situation?

Trust me, the vast majority of men don't dole out slaps for nothing. What did you say just before he slapped you, Chris, and what was the situation?

Why does one of these pass by unnoticed while the other receives the derision it deserves?

Everyone has different things that they are good at and not so good at. The ability to take a compliment falls into that category. If my wife were perfect in every way except her ability to take a compliment, I think I could work around that.

Why does one of these pass by unnoticed while the other receives the derision it deserves?

Neither example got any particular derision, and that's because whether slapping strangers is acceptable wasn't the subject of the conversation.

In either case, it's assault. However, the vast majority of men DON'T dole out slaps for nothing, so I'd still wonder what she said or did right before it happened. If she called him a dick-faced weasel, well, slapping is still a needlessly violent response, but at least then we can trace where things went wrong.

>Why does one of these pass by unnoticed while the other receives the derision it deserves?

I get what you're saying, but I have a difficult time believing that throes of women are sneering at and assaulting men for the crime of compliments and chivalry. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but I certainly don't see it in my neck of the woods.

I do agree that some women are physically abusive, and I think that puts a guy in a tough spot. Chances are he's much stronger than she is, and any man-handling on his part is likely to be frowned upon. His other remedy, calling the police, can also be pointless, and I know this because I've seen police officers laugh at the victim when he wants to press charges.

Some guys are not verbally expressive.

I agree with what Hannah said there but, to me, that explains why some men don't give out a lot of compliments to the woman they're with. I fail to understand why any man, even ones who aren't verbally expressive, would never compliment a woman he's with. I would think even the most verbally stunted guy could eke out a compliment once in a while.

I've always complimented women I've been with, and it's always been appreciated.

I do agree that we need to tune into other's "love languages." I like compliments, but sometimes it can be too much and it can be embarrassing. A compliment about something that I've done rather than my appearance means Much more to me. Do something that lets me know that you've actually heard something that I've said.

A "lovely name for a lovely lady" is nice and not too obtrusive. Back in the day, if I went out with a guy and he exclusively or continually complimented my appearance I became very uncomfortable. Compliments like "You are the most beautiful girl I've ever seen" accompanied by a drooling stare kind of freaks me out.

Last year a young man said that I was beautiful. I said, "...for a 48 year old woman." You said,"No, you are just plain beautiful." Perhaps it was okay because he had a twinkle in his eye. I didn't feel like he was just trying to manipulate me. And the best thing yet, he didn't promptly ask me to sleep with him or follow me home. He did invite me to his bachelor party. He wanted me to help him find the hottest young thing so he could use a final "free pass." Ha. And no, I didn't help him out with that mission. He was on his own!

Maybe some men think that complimenting women is too beta.

Why don't men give compliments?

Because they're a mental minefield.

If a man says, "I like your hair, its pretty on you this way."

She'll think: "Shit...it didn't before?"

If he says, "You look nice today."

It she hears, "You don't usually look nice."

Is it universal? No. But when a comedian does this routine, there is a reason all 50,000 men in the audience are laughing. Its because it is so common and so true that every single man has experienced this.

The fairer sex in our country is exceedingly prone to the inference of insult where none, or even the opposite, was intended.

I don't know. I don't think there's some huge psychological block caused by years of fear and abuse. I think some men just get comfortable in their relationships and forget about it. It takes effort to remember to do the things that made you fall in love with each other in the first place.

@ Jen

Some of your reactions that you said you do are part of the reason men compliment less.

"Last year a young man said that I was beautiful. I said, "...for a 48 year old woman."

This is seen by guys as trying to turn a compliment into an insult or argument. This happens so often to varying degrees.

and the compliment something youve done instead of you, runs into what I said before. Men sometimes see complimenting actions as manipulations. And as you are saying, appaently a compliment as a prelude to asking someone out, sounds like its a huge turn off.

It is a mine field.

One thing people haven't touched on is having to compliment something you hate. WOmen will drop, subtle and sometimes non subtle hints, that you must compliment X. Be it a new hairdo or a new recipie. It is an extra bad minefield if he doesn't like it. where anything besides beaming praise is treated as a horrible insult. And if you praise it you are now stuck with it.

Joe J,

I've seen both men and women do the shop-around-for-compliments thing. It's hard on everyone, but still a good point.

>One thing people haven't touched on is having to compliment something you hate.

I have this little puzzle right now. The guy I've been seeing, who changes his hair color (face and head) more than I do, recently dyed it black-brown. I don't like it at all. As in, every time I look at him I think he should be creeping up and down cul-de-sacs in a child molester van.

He's asked me multiple times what I think of this new color, and I've told him "it's not my favorite look", "I thought the golden brown looked great", and "I don't really care for it", but nobody else seems to agree. An ex posted on his FB that she thought the new color looked great. He's been taking a class, and he told me last night that nobody believed he's in his forties.

If I'm oddball out, I guess it is what it is. Part of me hopes he will just get bored and move on to a new color, and of course I'm happy that he's feeling good about the positive reaction from others. But I kind of wish he'd stop asking me what I think of it, because I really don't like it, and it doesn't feel good to say something that might be hurtful to the other. So I guess I'm stumped. Is it better to lie and say I love it, even though it really gives me the heebie jeebies?

My theory is that women want to be complimented on something they've done, like picking out some outrageous shoes, or starching their hair into an attractive pile. They don't want to be complimented on some condition or situation that just came naturally, like the color of their eyes. I've developed this theory all by myself after considerable experimentation. But you can test it yourself and see if I'm not right. Next chance you get, compliment a woman on a natural attribute. Like, "Hey, nice rack."