I think this woman is just too full of herself. Why the extremely lengthy explanation? In an email, yet? She couldn't just sent out a short email, "We won't be celebrating Valentine's Day in preschool. We feel the children will not suffer unduly from not participating in something I don't believe in. I am sure they will have a better time celebrating at home with their families. Thank you for understanding."

The END. Does she really think people need such a lengthy email about the WHY of not having it? I mean, seriously, she's turning it into something bigger than it really is.

Besides, what a killjoy. I'd pull my kid right on outta there.

Oh for the love of Christ!

I wish I could talk to this woman. I'd tell her to STFU and stop ruining our kids childhood to puff up her own false sense of worth, which she only gets from pretending to be holier than thou.

It's a holiday. It's fun. The kids love it.

The End.

When I was a kid, way back in the 80s, schools weren't quite at the place where everyone had to get a valentine. The problem isn't kids not understanding the consequences of indiscriminately declaring love for all - of which there are none - it's that kids are forced to indiscriminately declare love for all. Why not let kids exchange valentines with their friends?

She's a scrooge.

First of all, exchanging children's Valentines are not "declarations of love." Anyone who thinks so is grossly overanalysing them.

Secondly, it's true that adults reserve the right to judge each other, and don't have to "love" everybody around them. But children are not mini-adults, and school isn't just a microcosm of adult life; in very early education, I think teachers have an opportunity to not only teach kids how to read and write, but also how to be kind and overcome their nature. Yes, as an adult, I make decisions about which people are so grossly irritating or offensive to me that I not only don't love them, but actively exclude them from my life. Those judgments are usually reserved for people who have thoroughly demonstrated their bigotry, self-absorption, or agression/violence (I've encountered all kinds). Other people that I don't love, I simply passively allow to pass through my life without enmity. And I always try to see the good in someone and give them a chance if they seem interested in being my friend.

Children haven't developed the ability to judge other kids rationally like that, though. Whereas I cut off an acquaintance because he's an anti-Semitic jerk, kids cut off acquaintances because they're wearing a green shirt. What weirds me out most about this is actually how the teacher talks as if the kids are capable of making adult decisions about who they do and don't "love." I don't like schools that have a policy that forces kids to give a Valentine to everyone in their class if they're giving them out at all; but I do think that going through holiday rituals of exchanging gifts and tokens is a valuable opportunity for teachers to teach kids how to give each other a chance, and be kind and thoughtful and generous. Five-year-olds don't need to be encouraged to be more clique-ish and exclusive. They need to be encouraged to do something nice for Jimmy even though he's wearing last year's shoes.

I look forward to her 6,000 word exegesis on why they don't celebrate Arbor Day and Casimir Pulaski Day.

What a windbag. Fingerpaint academia seems about the right fit.

Oh boy, Jing, the main reason you do not allow kids to give valentines to JUST their friends on VD, is that the next week you will be dealing with parents about how their Einstein, or Barbie was traumatized because Ken or Madam Curie, got more valentines and “That’s Bullying” or “That’s Discrimination”. I now work at a high school and it is just as bad. Yes it is the cowards way out, but since an administrator is not going to solve the perceived problem, the parents will go upstream, to the school board or press and now we have a great story and more time and resources wasted over butthurt feelings concerning paper hearts and candy.

I think the reasoning is a bit tortured. However, she is correct, but for some of the wrong reasons.
In pre school, Valentine's day should be a minor art activity, with glue and paper hearts, perhaps some coloring, and then some chocolate candy after lunch.
It should not be about parents buying paper cards for pre schoolers to give to other pre schoolers.

I have done some substituting. In middle school, Valentines Day and other holidays were just an excuse for teachers to shut down actual education, for meaningless non educational socializing. Sadly any excuse will do, but in pre school socialization is a primary part of why the kids are there.

I have a four year old who attends a secular preschool. They will be celebrating Valentines Day in the traditional way of exchanging little notes, candies, and having a little party at school. This woman has been scorned clearly and her best approach is to take it out on preschoolers how incredibly sad. I agree with some of the posters above I would probably remove my child from a school like this. I remember one incident relating to my daughter about a Halloween themed shirt she wore on Halloween. The former director told me her shirt was "inappropriate" because some of the parents find Halloween offensive for religious reasons. I told the former director that those parents could either direct their children to close their eyes so they would not be offended by my 4 years olds orange and black outfit or they could find a religious school where this kind of ridiculousness is the norm. PERIOD

I love Valentine's Day, but I /have/ always thought it was weird for little kids to give each other cards that say "Be Mine." It's understood that no one takes what's printed on the card seriously, but then why give them?

I can remember filling my store-bought valentines out and trying to choose the more indifferent sayings for kids I didn't like, but they were all sappy.

I do think that if an elementary school permits the exchange of valentines, that it's appropriate to mandate they be given to everyone in the class. That's just teaching little kids manners. I'm fine with protecting 7 year olds from the pain of being capriciously excluded by classmates whose judgment, as Hannah says, is far from rational.

Even secular schools celebrate Valentines day. I went to Catholic school, and they celebrated Valentines day with weeks of crafts leading up to it, and the cards, and the party, and the chocolate.

Some of the kids didn't get any. I was one of them the first year. Guess what, I survived, and actually thrived. Not getting any the first year, I asked around as to why. Imagine my surprise when I found out the other kids thought I was bossy! I made an effort to be more pleasant, and guess what, I made allot more friends and got tons the next year.

Valentines Day shouldn't be about forcing kids to give the cards indiscriminately, but not for the reasons she stated. It teaches kids that if you want to get along socially and be included, then maybe you should make an effort to learn some social skills and not be a little dink. A lesson sadly lacking in today's youth.

I worry about the generation we are raising when all reason seems to be sucked from those in power in an effort to sanitize society so none are offended. Life is offensive. If your gonna cry about Valentines Day, oh boy do I have news for you.

"This woman has been scorned clearly and her best approach is to take it out on preschoolers how incredibly sad."

Nothing in her letter makes it "clear" that she has been scorned or that she is taking anything "out" on the kids. Just say you disagree with her.

'But we also want them to be careful about whom they love and to understand that making a commitment of love is a very serious thing. Encouraging children to say "I love you" to everyone does not lay the groundwork for critical thinking about future relationships."

Yep. Forget the explanatory e-mail. I do believe somebody got burned, and nobody is bringing any valentines into her classroom. Not nobody, not nohow!

Some people want to put "valentines for all" in the same bucket as giving every kid a trophy for participation. It's not the same. This is about manners, which are an appropriate thing to teach kids in school.

Giving a select group of classmates cards in front of other classmates is bad manners. It creates unnecessary awkwardness and hurt feelings, and even though, yes, we will all have to deal with these things later in life, we should be taught from a young age not to do this to others unnecessarily.

Kids who want to give ONLY to their friends should be free to do so outside of school.

This is a lesson that carries over to adulthood. You don't hand out invitations in front of friends who aren't invited. You don't rave about a party in front of someone who wasn't invited but who would have liked to be. If you bring home vacation souvenirs for three of your friends, you don't pass them out while at lunch with two other friends. (Sure, context matters, but most of the time this is rude.)

let's have a big round of applause for the adult who figures out how to mess things up for children.

I wonder if SHE knows how to delineate between a buncha little kids who prolly still like to hug each other, and their little cutesy giving of candy and paper to each other... and grown up, adult feelings of romantic love.

I guess she doesn't realize that people figuring out the whole continuum of love starts with their favorite goldfish, and end with bidding their family goodby at the end.

Way to go for the teacher missing the teachable moment.

When I was in public school, in the dawn of the transistor age, we constructed Valentines day mail boxes by wrapping paper around shoe boxes.
It would have been the height of bad manners to not give a Valentine to everyone in your class. Of course, in a small town in Wyoming, parents knew this, and acted appropriately.
Girls are very good at giving and receiving social cues that modify each others behavior. Young boys OTOH are less good at understanding these cues, and often have no idea that any message is being sent, let alone received. When they are excluded they can be very hurt.

This is why, in this day and age where there doesn't seem to be any common social norms operating, it is best to either tightly control a Valentine exchange, or not do it at all.

So those candy hearts and stickers I exchanged in class over the years was the slippery slope that paved my way to an adulthood rife with indiscriminate love?

It's all so clear now.

"But we also want them to be careful about whom they love and to understand that making a commitment of love is a very serious thing."

Last night we signed 22 Transformer Valentines with sayings such as, "Power up for an Awesome Day!"

Very serious expressions of love.

When you are a kid, it is only a holiday if you get candy, presents, or both. When you are an adult it is only a holiday if you get the day off work. Let's stick to what's really important: sweettarts have finally improved upon the Necco-flavored classic little heart candies.

"Yes, I know about the Valentine's Day Massacre against the Jews in 1349, but that's only thanks to Google"

This woman is just stupid. The Valentine's Day Massacre was a rather famous execution of rival gangsters in Chicago in 1929. Chico Marx was supposed to be there but skipped town cause of a gambling debt IIRC. Does killing Chico Marx count as a Jewish massacre?
Just to be sure I Googled 1349 and came up w/ a less famous massacre of Jews in Germany on March 21st 1349. Closer to St. Patrick's Day Massacre.

Stupid cow is a "teacher". *facepalm*

Isab is right. This is about teaching manners and compassion. If your child's elementary school celebrates Valentine's Day, each kid in the class gets one. The kid who is unpopular already knows it and doesn't need his/her nose rubbed in it by everyone else. I think the whole thing is harmless and the kids do have fun handing them out to each other.

So the question is, why did she ban Valentine's Day? Someone suggested that the writer sounded like she had been burned, but I doubt that was the case. It was probably her kid that got burned and she is attempting to right that wrong by shutting the whole thing down. As a mother, I understand the impulse, but don't agree with the action.

Disappointment is part of life and kids have to learn to deal with it. By middle school, things change and not every kid gets a valentine. My own precious little baby (who is 13, sweet, cute, and has friends) didn't get any carnations today. She is a little sad, but I explained to her that the boys she is friends with don't think about stuff like that. (She is in the debate and chess club set.) She didn't send any either bc at $2 a piece it would have been expensive to give one to each of her friends and I always insist that we remember everyone on stuff like this. After getting her sad little text this morning I hurt for her, but life is full of these types of moments and only by living through it can we rise above it. I am not planning to phone the school and complain about the flower sale.

The Strasbourg "Valentine's Day massacre" occurred on February 14, 1349, when several hundred Jews were publicly burnt to death, and the rest of them expelled from the city as part of the Black Death persecutions. It was one of the first and worst pogroms in pre-modern history.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strasbourg_massacre

Even if she was completely wrong, that's not a mistake that would make her a bad teacher or a stupid cow. You can disagree with someone without turning it up to 11.

And BTW, the teacher is the director of a private Jewish preschool, which is why she guarded her argument by dismissing that event as the reason.

She only e-mailed the first paragraph that Amy posted. The rest is excerpted from her column.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to call her a stupid cow. If one is to site history and call themselves an educator, the least they can do is get it right.
I don't know if this woman was scorned or not but I can assure you she has NEVER known sweet, warm, adoring love from another human being...the kind of romance everyone should experience once in their lives. Pre-school age children should be exposed to warmth and LOVE not cold cynicism.

First of all, it appears she did get it right. And even if she hadn't, anyone could make a mistake or believe a bad source. She's a school administrator, not a history teacher. I'm sure most people here were content to believe Kevin.

" I can assure you she has NEVER known sweet, warm, adoring love from another human being..."

No, you cannot assure anyone of that.

I don't even agree with this person. I just can't believe how crazy some of you people sound.

"I just can't believe how crazy some of you people sound."

I once beat a garden gnome senseless with a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

I hope you brought enough for ALL the lawn ornaments.

Well, crap. your google-fu is better than my google-fu.

I still stand by the Chicago massacre being the most famous of the lot.

She may have overanalyzed the whole business, but I can think of two reasons not to have Valentine's Day in schools - at least, AFTER preschool (or fifth grade, anyway):

1. Teachers are already too pressed for time, being forced to teach things they would never have had to teach 50 or even 30 years ago.

2. Boys, very often, Do Not Like Valentine's Day. Why make them do it, when they're going to have enough misery as adults, trying desperately to find a woman who cares more about how he treats her the OTHER 364 days of the year?

But if you ARE going to have it in schools, yes, of course you should give Valentines to everyone. Given the ages and immaturity of the kids, it really is about teaching compassion and good manners.

Eh, I can go either way here. I don't know that celebrasting holidays is the point of school. So I see no reason why they have to. I do think if you give out valentines, it needs to be to all kids. Valentines day is not the time to once again point out to a less popular child that people don't like them. It's also a lesson in kindness and decency.

I don't think she's seen any kids valentines. They don't mention love. It's just nice phrases.

I sort of see her point about not teaching kids they have to love everyone (although I think she's off base on thinking that's what valentines day does). We don't make our kids hug or kiss anyone-we don't want them growing up thinking they've got to do that to someone just because they asked, or because of who they are. If they want to go give Gma or Aunt Tilly a big hug, great, but we don't force it. So I can see that making kids "love" others might go along with that. DOn't agree with her, but can kind of see her reasoning.

I think special functions at school serve a very useful purpose, whether it's a Valentine's Day party, Cake Walk, etc. It teaches kids how to socialize with peers they interact with daily, including those they don't care for so much. This is expected of us as adults, at social events, work-sponsored functions, etc., and it's good practice for the little adults-in-training.

I was the Jehovah's Witness kid who had to sit off to the side and not participate. Then tell the other kids (as I was instructed) that they were participating in an evil pagan holiday.

Yeah, I had a lot of friends back then.

That's terrible Pirate Jo! When I was in elementary school, there was a Jewish boy and a Jehovah's Witness girl in my class. When we had Holiday Parties, the boy would frequently make special presentations, talking about how they celebrated the holidays, what they believed, and even brought in props and treats related to his faith. The girl always took on projects that didn't conflict with her faith. I was always envious that she made intricate paper lanterns and I was stuck with the less artistic Valentine's Box made from a milk carton.

We were a curious lot and asked her about the whys of her faith. She was very nice, and I suppose there might have been mean kids there, but I don't think it occurred to a lot of us to be offended by the pagan explanation. Actually, it prompted a lot of lessons from the teacher regarding mythologies and the history of holidays.

Has anyone mentioned that the Valentine "heart" is a female sex image?
Innocent second-graders are busy cutting out those red paper 'hearts' and never figuring out what they really mean...

Everyone gets a Valentine. Problem solved. What a drama queen. My son's Catholic private grade school told all parents that every kid had to get the same thing--card, cookie, candy, whatever. No one deviated from this edict. She's making it into an ordeal.

First of all, was February 14 even Valentines day in 1349? Best I could find was it wasnt celbrated as a widesperad thing until after the 1380's

Second "anyone could make a mistake or believe a bad source. She's a school administrator, not a history teacher." Its been my experiance even history teachers dont know shit about history.

Also if you are going to take the time to send out a novelized missive on why you wont let children trade store bought candy under the banner of a fake holiday, do some research

I bet she'd have a heart attack if she heard about people celebrating Steak and BJ Day. ;-)

@Jim P:
I would have a heart attack if I heard a pre-school was celebrating Steak and BJ Day.

I don't see what the big deal is. When I was kid everyone had to the same thing in class - usually a card. But there were definitely different cards...many sounds quite romantic for the age group (I am remember ~2nd grade). I remember it being a bit of an ordeal and you had to be buy cards (or other kids thought you were a loser).

I would make it an activity where you make a Valentine for your parents or caretakers and glue little hearts to doilies or something.

The educational aspect would be the actual crafting, the symbolism of the holiday, and the idea of making something nice for someone you love.

In elementary school, we gave valentines to the whole class and it was fun. And after school we used our pocket money to buy special valentines for our friends, like really pricey items like a $6 box for our closest friends. Those were not exchanged in school, those were exchanged when we visited each other.

If you want to make a lesson of it, you could have the kids describe one thing they like in every other kid in the class. Looking for the good in people is a good thing to learn.

"First of all, was February 14 even Valentines day in 1349? Best I could find was it wasnt celbrated as a widesperad thing until after the 1380's."

It doesn't matter if we were practicing Valentine's Day yet, because she only mentioned it as something that was NOT part of her reasoning. She's the director of a Jewish school, and she was making it clear that her objection was NOT religion based and cannot be tied to this obscure religious event. She was guarding her argument against that supposition. This is why she downplays it and says she only knows about it because of Google.

"Also if you are going to take the time to send out a novelized missive on why you wont let children trade store bought candy under the banner of a fake holiday, do some research"

She only sent the first paragraph to parents. The massacre and all the rest was mentioned only in her column.

Also, she doesn't call it a fake holiday or denounce candy. She says she practices both those traditions with her family.

It's okay to have a Valentine's day party. It's okay not to have one. If it were my class, I'd consider passing on the party as a matter of expense -- do I really want to tell Moms and Dads to shell out for cards and candy for everybody?

Sheepmommy: My younger girls didn't get any Valentines either. Part of me thinks, "Those dumb boys!" Another part of me is kind of relieved. My son-in-law cooked a nice meal for his wife. I like him.

Some of the kids didn't get any. I was one of them the first year. Guess what, I survived, and actually thrived. Not getting any the first year, I asked around as to why. Imagine my surprise when I found out the other kids thought I was bossy! I made an effort to be more pleasant, and guess what, I made allot more friends and got tons the next year.

I was deeply unpopular in elementary school. (I know, that's hard to believe.) Valentine's Day was always that day it got rubbed in my face. Turns out I was unpopular mostly because my parents were old, and we didn't have a ton of money for the latest fashions and toys, in a neighborhood where lots of kids were upper middle class or rich. No adjustment on my part would have changed those things.

I once beat a garden gnome senseless with a heart-shaped box of chocolates.

I'm sure the gnome had it coming.

Valentine's Day parties are fine. Kids can do crafts and pork out on chocolate. There's no need for the popularity contest.

I dunno which makes me sadder - that this was worth so much commentary, or that nobody realized that in a school system where a hug between first-graders is "sexual assault", Valentines are obviously kiddie porn.

The original "sexting"!