Spreaking from very recent and rigerous experience - this visit or in my case (prenatal) visits to my woo-woo doctor are about the least "intimate" and/or erotic in nature of ANY of my doctors visits.

In fact, I'd find a podiatry visit probably more arousing at this point!

I have found male doctors work better for me not because of anything sordid but because they tend to be less wishy washy and more clear, and direct. That is what I want from my doctor.

Really? Intimate? Maybe physically but I can tell you that most male doctors have a nurse present in the room for the "examination" and what goes on down there - I cannot WAIT for it to be over.

My two cents.

"Spreaking"

Oh that's awesome!

(fucking iPhone)

He's seen Hand that Rocks the Cradle too many times.

My present doc is a female, but I've had more than one male do the work. There is absolutely nothing sexual about an exam. A female staff member will most likely be present.

My priority isn't whether the doc is male or female. My priority is they do a thorough job.

ask boyo if his wife should make sure that he has a male doc to do the digital rectal exam on him, or if that's too weird, or...?

Ya know, a little self reflection on his part could be handy, in that he hasn't thought about this objectively, and/or has seen too much porn.

When I was still married, my wife often asked me to go along with my her if I could, because she was usually glad to have my help after. My understanding is that it's unpleasant, and maybe he should think about someone ELSE for a change.

breach of marital intimacy? horsefeathers.

UNLESS he has some feeling that she's playing around, and then he has much more likely things to worry over, this just makes him sound like a controlling SOB.

Several years ago I asked a woman this and she told that she would rather have a male gynecologist because in her experience male ones would be more sensitive while female ones would just reach in and not really care.

I guess it's one of those times where a guy, not having female parts, goes in delicately while a woman, having a set of her own, is somewhat (I saw somewhat because ever set of female parts is different and ever woman is different) aware of how things work and thus just does her thing.

I don't think it's a sexual thing at all and it's weird to consider it a breach of marital intimacy. But if the guy is a good husband, why not humor him on this, even if it's silly? Unless she has a strong reason for refusing his request, like needing a gyno with some niche expertise.

If I stood my ground on everything I thought I was right about and my husband did the same, we wouldn't have lasted a year. Most of the time it's easier and more efficient to indulge each other's quirks than to duke it out over who's more correct, normal or reasonable. Pick your battles people.

I realize you're advising the guy and not the wife. I would tell him to quit trying to convince her that it's a breach of marital intimacy. Instead, he should just ask her to make the switch for him, to make him feel better, regardless of whether his feelings are reasonable or not.

Thanks, Anon -- already told him that:

"There are things our partners want that we find unreasonable or even a little nuts that we accommodate to make them happy..."

For example, one from my own life from the other night: My ADHD, probably, makes the show opening of "Homeland" the equivalent of 50 knives on a blackboard for me. Gregg always puts it on mute until the actors come on.

This dilemma is gender specific. Here's a bizarro story I read this week that reeked of the same ridiculousness:

Site and article show a racist note that prompted nurse to sue hospital after they let father tattooed with a Swastika demand that only white nurses care for his baby

Tonya Battle filed the suit against Hurley Medical Center in Michigan last week after she was allegedly barred from caring for the child in the neonatal intensive care unit due to her skin color.

Full Story:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2281970/Hurley-Medical-center-The-racist-note-prompted-nurses-lawsuit-hospital-let-Swastika-tattooed-father-dictate-white-nurses-care-baby.html

Sorry, anon this is absurd. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to find a good OBGYN? Why should she have to rearrange her entire visit because of his insecurities!

Perhaps he should think about sending in Rupert Smithe Pennington for an introductory visit to lay out appropriate protocols....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_dhdowetek&feature=youtube_gdata_player

I have a female GYN only because she is freaking awesome. She listens to me, provides data from clinical trials, and doesn't second guess my decision to not have children. She respects my autonomy (unlike other GYNs I've been to). If there were a male doctor that was more awesome, sure, I'd totally go for that and, if my boyfriend had an issue with it, he can suck it. It's my vagina and my uterus and I'm going to get the best care possible for it.

Breach of fidelity? Yeah, having a guy stare directly at your vagina and stick forceps and cotton swabs into it is totally romantic.

I disagree Anon. This is a medical procedure. His primary concern should be whether the doctor is competent, not whether the doctor is thinking his wife has nice nipples. Is he going to melt down every time a male medical professional sees his wife undressed? What if she needs emergency surgery? Is she supposed to wait for treatment until a female surgeon is available? News flash: a female surgeon might not be available. What about all the other surgery attendants? Do they need to make sure no male is present, lest her bits and pieces are seen by another man? It's understandable that he doesn't want his wife on display, but in this context it's an unreasonable expectation. This is a medical facility, not a strip club.

Differences about this may be a city/country thing... Not as easy to find a good new doc in the country, plus a twitchy husband is more likely to see the OBGYN in town, and think about how he's had his face it Mama's voodoo.

Spreaking from very recent and rigerous experience - this visit or in my case (prenatal) visits to my woo-woo doctor are about the least "intimate" and/or erotic in nature of ANY of my doctors visits.

Totally. Several weeks ago, while in labor with my daughter, I shit and peed myself on a bed in front of complete strangers. Half a dozen people, men included, stuck their fingers up my hoo-ha to see how far down the pipe she'd managed to get herself. There's nothing remotely sexual about my relationships with my doctors and midwives. Dude needs to get a grip.

A href="https://twitter.com/kashhill/status/304746746968408064">Ahem.

He should really examine why he thinks that it is a breach of intimacy. Also, what if his wife was bi-sexual? What is he really threaten by?

My understanding is even Orthodox Jewish women can have a male gyn even though they are discouraged from even shaking hands with men.

Like others have said I prefer the best doctor. Though, in terms of massage and other body work, I do prefer a woman.

Wait. I'm confused. Is this a TSA thing?

Bungled! Coulda been so sweet!

https://twitter.com/kashhill/status/304746746968408064

I always said I would never want to be married to an ObGyn. I figured after looking at every woman's parts in town, the last thing he wanted to see was one more when he got home.

I have always preferred a male doctor. I tend to get along better with them. I'm a pushy broad and I have found them to be ore immune to my bitchy, demanding ways.

My wife has a female ob-gyn; she prefers her because her hands are so small. I've met her, and she's totally pleasant and competent. I trust her totally, and so does my wife.

Over the years it's occurred to me that having feminine parts and hormones is a chasm that men simply can't cross, no matter how well trained they may be. I believe it takes a woman to treat a woman, at least when it comes to her feminine parts.

However, if my wife decided she wanted another ob-gyn, and it turned out to be a male, I'd have no problem. There's nothing sexual about a ride in the stirrups.

Inability to find a sufficiently competent doctor would be a strong reason for refusing. But the irrationality of his feelings by itself is not, in my opinion, a reason to disregard his feelings. Medical needs take precedence over irrational feelings, but merely "being right" shouldn't.

My advice to him was based on my experience that most people respond much more positively to "Would you please do X, I would really appreciate it," than to "You must do X because Y is bad/wrong."

My doctor is an attractive woman, which suits me, as a guy, just fine. That said, having her poke and prod my various parts in a professional manner, with me cold-sober in a brightly-lit examination room is about as erotic as tea with your grandma.

And a big plus: Her fingers aren't big and knobby like some male doctors.

I think this is just a test, but one that requires some going up the vaginal canal -- sounds like one any doctor at a facility can perform, depending on who's available. (I agree with you Feeb vis a vis who one's doctor is.)

My gyno is a man. I got assigned to him and thought he was good. He's Latin and looks like Ricky Riccardo. If I met him at a party, I'd think he was cute. In the office, all I can think of is getting out of there as soon as possible. It's like the TSA, only without the Constitution being ripped up.

Yeah, and my husband can't see a female cardiologist because his heart belongs to ME.

My father is an RN, and he had to do a round in the obstetrics ward during his training. He confided in me that that month was one of the most sexless months of his marriage to my mother. He said guys think that it would be a kinky, titillating experience, but that's because they're confusing porn and reality. Even normal women have "issues" with hygiene "down there", and they certainly don't go get brazilians before they visit the OB. Add to that the fact that when women see a doc for female problems it often involves nasty secretions and foul smells. A normal menses would be a breeze to deal with compared to yeast infections, herpes sores, amniotic fluid, and prolapsed uteri.

Hubby needs to chill out. If her male doc is the best doctor for her to see for her issues, would he really rather she see a less-qualified doctor just because of gender? His lack of accountability for his insecurities could cause her to suffer serious health complications. It can be hard enough for women to put themselves in the vulnerable position (emotionally if not physically) that seeing gynecologist requires, Hubby making this demand could make her avoid going to the OBGyn at all. While Hubby may find that an acceptable solution in the short term, he better pray his wife doesn't come down with any of the cancers or other complications unique to the female anatomy that could kill her.

I swear I'd die at this point if I had to change docs. My ob is a good lookin Navy vet but that aside, my husband and I adore him. I drive 45 minutes to see him and the first thing out of his mouth when he sees me after "any changes? How you feelin, etc" is "Ok, what have you been told this week".

Because he KNOWS I am in a small town and these old wives tales and shit people insist on telling pregnant women are beyond upsetting. He can usually stop me half way through what I am saying, finish the "tale" and say "No, that's not true. Anything else". Totally cracks my husband up. "oh, he's PERFECT for you!!!".

Anyway. I hate the exams. But he is quality so it's not even more miserable. I've had women before. And to be honest, I want the best doctor available. I picked him blindly being in a new area. I was really lucky to find out later he was one of the top docs in the area which did not surprise me.

And that's another thing. Out in ruralsville. Not many women doctors. I picked out the best primary doctor here and she was a woman. But not too many.

Hah - Evil -- told him that, too. I love how you put it above. I wrote this:

Doctors do not get into gynecology because they want to see vaginas. You can see them on the Internet for free, and being a doctor means dealing with the yuckiest, smelliest things about them. Doctors probably see us kind of like living pieces of steak. I'd have to ask a doctor friend about this again -- we talked about it a long time ago. But, while there can be that one pervo out there in medicine, people are not alone with patients. They have nurses and orderlies and other doctors around. They are also on the clock more than every these days. Nobody is cupping your wife's breast lovingly. 

It really does make all the difference, doesn't it! Glad you got someone to help you with that. Getting the right dosage and med can be miserable if someone isnt willing to work with you and be pleasant and attentive.

It's absurd. I generally go to women Drs when I can (ie not sacrificing care) because my very first gyno exam was with a man and felt...off. Nothing I can pinpoint as inappropriate, but borderline stuff. Just me and him in the room, for starters, and that wasn't normal even then.

But, that's ME making that decision. And it's by no means hard n fast. My rockin' male nurse at delivery #2 saved me and baby's life. And it was great him being able to pick me up and move me, and not ask me to scoot over to this new table in that kind of pain.

Seriously-medical people aren't getting off on random people's bodies. You'd have to be, I don't know, Channing Tatum in order for them to look at you as hot and not a problem to be solved. And maybe not even then. They see sooooo many bodies. SO many icky, icky things about bodies....

All of which doesn't address his control issues, which are the real problem. She should run. Amy, I'm pretty sure if you told Gregg that watching Homeland's opening was a breach of relationship trust, he'd be out of there and not muting it for you. There's a big difference here.

My great-grandfather was the religious leader of our community. Anyways he still held on to those old Middle Eastern practices, though albeit he had to do it more subtly to not incur the wrath of the Catholic natives.

My great-grandma got cancer but she was not allowed to see a doctor. No man was allowed to see her without her chador (it's like the burqa but you can see the face). She died in agonizing pain.

Oh and he didn't believe women should be doctors. It was obscene.

The chode is nothing but a control freak.

I'll bet he wouldn't talk the same way if he had MY doctor groping him up-- she is smoking hawt...

My first child was delivered by a male doctor. Since then, I've tried to get female doctors whenever possible. For the most part, the males have been dismissive of me. I feel more heard by the women. Perhaps it is because I save a soft voice. Perhaps it is just coincidence.

I always said I would never want to be married to an ObGyn. I figured after looking at every woman's parts in town, the last thing he wanted to see was one more when he got home.

My ObGyn's wife works for him! They are an excellent couple and they work so well together. They also have a clinic for uninsured/under-insured women, and are much admired by the entire community. And they both have a tremendous sense of humor; I can't imagine going to anyone else. Both of my daughters love them too, and now go to them for their yearly exams. Keeping it in the family! We seriously lucked out when I found them.

I want any doctor who will be sticking their finger up my butt to have skinny fingers. They can be male, female, or transgender as long as those digits are slender.

Being a "woo-woo doctor" (thanks, Feebie) ranks right down near the bottom of the list of jobs I'd want to do.

I think I'd rather be a janitor who cleans bathrooms in bars. I've got a good nose, and the scent of puke - particularly alcohol infused puke - generally sends my stomache in loops, but I think I'd rather that than being a "woo-woo doctor".

I'll leave Eric Cartman have the last word:

Nonono, I'm tellin' you guys, music videos have devolved to nothing but pretty girls wearing skin-tight clothes, and singin' songs about their vajayjays. Used to be chicks sang about their relaionships; now it's all "my vajayjay this, my vajayjay that." But clearly that's what sells. Think about it. When was the last time you turned on a music video and didn't see some chick strumming a guitar singing about her vajayjay? See? You can't remember.

But the irrationality of his feelings by itself is not, in my opinion, a reason to disregard his feelings.

It depends on the dynamics of their marriage. Is he a "traditional"husband in other respects that she likes? In that case she may want to take this request as part of the package. For me, this would be an irrational request I couldn't accommodate because it smacks of lack of trust in me and how I interact with other men. However, my husband would never make such a request and would find it nonsensical. That's why we're happily married.

"But if the guy is a good husband, why not humor him on this, even if it's silly? "

In some areas, male gynos are hard to find. I am told that there is only one in the mid-size city where I live, and if he's like most doctors around here right now, he is not accepting new patients.

"Wait. I'm confused. Is this a TSA thing?"

Don't give them any ideas.

"And a big plus: Her fingers aren't big and knobby like some male doctors."

Wooooooooo! Being a girl, I never really thought about it that way. Ouch! Best damned argument I've ever heard for guys having a woman doctor EVER! I can also see how a man would be uncomfortable with having another man's finger up his ass. Myself, a man would make me uncomfortable in a gyno situation. I'm fine with turn your head and cough, but if your gonna see my woo woo I want you to be a girl. Both cuz you know how it works better than a man would, and because a if a man is seeing my woo woo, I'm gonna be fuckin him. So a guy other than my husband seeing my woo woo is just uncomfortable.

That being said however, having been a doctors assistant, I can safely say that Dr's DON'T GIVE A SHIT what gender you are. They see a walking wallet with symptoms they have to treat. The only time gender enters into it is when your dealing with gender specific pathology.

It all comes down to personal preference. I think the LW's man is a bit controlling, personally, but if it's otherwise harmless I'd say switch to shut him up.

My wife and daughter both prefer female gynos. I would not give a damn if the wife switched to a male, but maybe the LW should consider changing to a female just to keep the peace in the marriage.

When my male doctor died a couple of years ago, just as I approached 40, I switched to a young, small-handed female doctor. I'm no fool.

Is he from some backward subculture? Sorry, but this is stupid--it's her body, let her decide who sees it. I'm grateful for anyone who's first language is English (I've had two foreign born MDs, both female, who were nightmares of incompetence.

My great-grandma got cancer but she was not allowed to see a doctor. No man was allowed to see her without her chador (it's like the burqa but you can see the face). She died in agonizing pain.

Purple, I just read this again (ran by it yesterday) -- I'm so sorry. Awful.

When my male doctor died a couple of years ago, just as I approached 40, I switched to a young, small-handed female doctor. I'm no fool.

I, too, find that deceased doctors perform poorly.

"And a big plus: Her fingers aren't big and knobby like some male doctors."

"Wooooooooo! Being a girl, I never really thought about it that way. Ouch! Best damned argument I've ever heard for guys having a woman doctor EVER!"

wtf is right. Dude, you have no idea what you're missing.

I've got to ask the ladies something. Do only mind the digital penetration when you're in the stirrups; but find it desirable at other times such as when you're lover is performing oral sex and/or during heavy petting?

Or does it bother you all the time?

I had an ex once say, quite stupidly (and that was par for his course)"but don't you all enjoy it?" asking about the exam. That was the end of us.

Jim P, other than that being totally personal preference as to what one likes and doens't in bed-stick your dick in a vise grip. Does it feel just as good as a woman grasping you? No? It's just not even in the same universe.

I had an ex once say, quite stupidly (and that was par for his course)"but don't you all enjoy it?"

My midwife stuck her fingers so far up there because she knew it would inspire me to push harder to get them the eff out.

I was in the military, so for ten years (and two babies) I had whoever was available for my appointment, be they male or female, doctor or RN. I've had compassionate males who made sure I was comfortable (and were always chaperoned) and had inconsiderate females who at least once accused me of being full of crap because they have the same problem and get along just fine. Then again, I've had the attitudes go completely the opposite direction with bad male docs and great female ones.

Doctors are people and some have great patient rapport and others... well, others are so wrong for the customer service industry I wouldn't trust them to ask if I wanted fries with that.

So long as the patient has the strength of will to stand up to inconsiderate and/or incompetent docs, they'll eventually find one they like.

As for digital exams versus sex play: yeah, there's a Big Freakin' Difference! Amy hit the nail on the head with the autopsy comparison. I'm really not in the mood for hanky panky when the doc is palping my breasts and I'm waiting to hear if I have a lump. If you're lucky you've got a poster of something like a kitten or a puppy pinned to the ceiling to look at, a warm blanket to go over your legs, and a doc with small hands and an efficient manner. Regardless, it's as big a sexual turn-OFF to be in that position as I can imagine.

At least Hubby is considerate enough to warm up his hands, the toys, and the jelly before anything gets inserted!

Thanks.

Just wanted to be sure I wasn't doing it completely wrong all this time.

Dear Sir,

I understand;

1) That you are extremely upset that your wife won't request a female doctor for her gynecological exams and...
2) That you consider this a breach of marital intimacy (having a male doctor performing the exam of your wife's genitals).

I recognize that you take your marriage and the institution of marriage seriously, that clearly you are a dedicated spouse, you care for your wife and your marriage to her, and unlike so many others in this world one encounters, you maintain your values and principles. Those traits are most admirable. Now you find yourself in a challenging situation (w/regards to your wife having a male Dr.).

I am employed as a "Nurse's Assistant". I make my living working in hospitals taking care of wonderful patients-normal people like you and I, who for some reason (& very often through no fault of their own) are patients in the hospital. Often times ppl don't know that morning that they will be patients in a hospital that evening.

I change diapers on patients, elderly people most often. Elderly people end up in diapers & urinate & defecate into them. This is one of my tasks and it gets not only smelly & stinky but it can get very, very messy. Imagine normal people like you and I and your wife are laying in a hospital bed and have urinated and defecated and are covered in and are laying in urine and diarrhea-handfuls and handfuls of diarrhea! Ugh! The diarrhea and urine has to be removed and cleaned up.

Granted, I'm not going inside of a woman's vagina to clean feces out, but if a woman's labia has feces and urine on it, if a man's penis & testicles are covered in feces and urine, I must clean them off-and not just "good enough!" either. Nooo, genitals like the rest of the body must be clean. Clean like you or I would want our genitals-with not feces at ALL on them. That's Nursing, being the advocate for the individual, doing what the patient and family would want and doing what is reasonable.

If you or your wife were to request a female to clean your wife the hospital staff would certainly accommodate the request. You would also be permitted and encouraged to be supportive and assist. Between you and me though-you are not going to want to assist. You can remain in the hospital room though if you don't assist, but I wouldn't do that either if I was you because the room ends up absolutely reeking of the odor of feces as I dig handfuls and handfuls and handfuls of feces out from between peoples legs and from under their buttocks and as I wipe off their genitals and thighs with soap & water soaked washcloths and disposable wipes. It. Gets. Messy. I'm pretty good at it now-I've got a system! There's a method to it believe it or not!

If you were a patient in the hospital and incapable of removing the feces from your penis and testicles and buttocks (because you have broken wrists or arms or are in the ICU and are unconscious or something) I will clean your genitals until they and you are clean. I will be acting as your advocate and I perform the duty in a moral fashion & manner regardless of gender of the patient/caregiver.

The cleaning of your genitals or your wife's genitals will not be an intimate act. It WILL be an act of caring and advocacy and done in a professional and dignified manner.

Adam Bein
Certified Nurse's Assistant
Huntington Beach, CA

Pretty much says it all.....

Of course, everyone's got their quirks and preferences, and it is at least ok to ask your partner if something means a lot to you. But my opinion is, guy is an idiot. My father is ob-gyn, and I'll guarantee you he saw nothing even remotely sexy about it. Being him, he probably would have called this guy in and told him firmly to get a grip.

Incidentally, I worked with a guy who had four of his five kids delivered by Dad, and he thought my father was wonderful. He was genuinely upset when his wife got pregnant with the last and he found out Dad had retired. Of course, some of that came from complications with one of the births which Dad apparently fixed within 30 seconds of walking in the door (cord wrapped round the neck I think).

I think she should tell hubby, "I found a female doctor. I think you'll like her, she's not one of those mannish lesbians."

I think it's disingenuous to pretend no woman in history has ever felt any attraction to their doctor. On the contrary, women often find doctors attractive, and if he happens to be good-looking and relatively wealthy ... come on. You're seriously going to tell me with a straight face that if Dr Derek Shepherd or Dr Mark Sloan comes in to examine your bits, that no woman anywhere ever is going to feel even the slightest twinge of 'something' sexual at that idea, or remotely even consider indulging in a bit of fantasy? I have a bridge to sell anyone who believes that.

Still, I'm sure for 99% of women it's probably completely clinical and perhaps even unpleasant. I'm sure though that there are some types of women out there who might enjoy it, and maybe this husband has other reasons to suspect his wife might be one of those types ... if not, then it does sound a bit paranoid.

My wife is bi so I just have to trust her.

"You're seriously going to tell me with a straight face that if Dr Derek Shepherd or Dr Mark Sloan comes in to examine your bits, that no woman anywhere ever is going to feel even the slightest twinge of 'something' sexual at that idea, or remotely even consider indulging in a bit of fantasy?"

Sorry Lobster, yep, I am, and nope, not buying any bridges either.

The last thing any woman is thinking while she's got her legs in the stirrups is how hot and sexy her gyno is. More than likely, she's praying the burrito she had for lunch won't announce it's presence. She's also praying it's all over in sixty seconds or less. So, next time you have a female doctor, are you going to fantasize how hot it would be if she blew in your ear while palpitating your balls for lumps?

Really?

Also, what is he gonna do if she goes to the ER or when giving birth-even if her OB is female...she may not get her OB?

You don't get to choose in those instances. You get who you get.

"So, next time you have a female doctor, are you going to fantasize how hot it would be if she blew in your ear while palpitating your balls for lumps?"

I have had a really hot female doctor, and yes I wanted to do inappropriate things with her, but I think this is very different for men, I don't think that counts.

"Sorry Lobster, yep, I am, and nope, not buying any bridges either. "

I said 'any woman ever', not just 'you'. You're absolutely blowing it out your ear now ... Google a bit for 'affairs with doctors' - there are loads and loads of cases.

From a study published in the Journal of Medical Ethics:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2004/oct/14/primarycare.g2

"Research in the US has shown that one-in-10 family doctors has had a sexual relationship with a patient."

"It happens most with psychiatrists, gynaecologists and GPs"

Lobster;

Have you been reading the comments? I might have spoken from my own perspective but it is shared by the majority. We might find doctors cute but that's a ways away from wanting them to fuck us. And guys would fuck a hole in a tree, but that doesn't necessarily mean they want a branch up the ass. Some guys would be repulsed knowing where those fingers have been. Anyway, we're talking girl patient, guy doctor. So it doesn't factor in anyway.

As for happening most with which doctor, I didn't mean to imply that no doctor has ever acted inappropriately ever. Of course they have. You split hairs. FOR THE MOST PART, MOST doctors look at you like walking wallets with symptoms. Going out on a limb, how attractive is your SO when she's baking bread? I've worked for doctors, and was very thankful I didn't have to deal with the EEEW factor. The pre-testing was enough for me, especially with the old creepy dudes. I'm pretty sure most doctors are even more grossed out than the patients!

I find the LW to be alarmingly insecure and controlling.
I do not think this falls into the category of 'things you adjust because it annoys your partner' like muting an annoying TV commercial or stacking the dishwasher a certain way.

As other posters have said, what if she requires emergency medical intervention and the only available doctor is male? Is she supposed to delay treatment until a female doctor can be found, risking complications and even death, just to placate him and his insecurity?

He sounds like he's from a country where women are considered property.
Give this type an inch and they take a mile. What will he be demanding next?