I'm surprised "he doesn't have enough money" doesn't appear there:

http://cdn.acidcow.com/pics/20100317/demotivational_posters_26.jpg

I would think "he's not tall enough" would be true too

I don't find this stuff contradictory... Because they are bounds at the extreme. People want goldilocks, to be just right. Then it's all about finding an acceptable mix.

OTOH, I wonder how mamy people with dealbreakers ALSO have startling double standards.

Like a girl I once knew who slapped, kicked, punched, and bit... but who felt that men never should defend themselves...

Workaholic? Reminds me of those Hollywood movies were the stay at home mom/kids complain too much about how daddy works soo much. Bitch you gotta eat right?

Too independent? That one is really interesting to me.

"Too independent? That one is really interesting to me."

I think it makes perfect sense: relationships require a certain level of interdependence, and it's frustrating to feel like you're in a relationship with an "I DO IT!" toddler. I think it goes both ways, too: I like to feel needed just as much as my husband does.

Dismissive of masculinity and male needs.

I can't believe lying, cheating and stealing did not make the mens' list.

I'm surprised "he doesn't have enough money" doesn't appear there:

I would think "he's not tall enough" would be true too

Those two go without saying.

Dealbreakers for me:

Smoking
Drugs stronger than pot
Addictions (gambling, etc.)
Chronic unemployment
Physically abusive
Asshole (like porn, you know it when you see it)

Cannot hold utensils properly when eating.
Seeks affection during my high stress moments (don't try to get a kiss from me when the wheel drum just stripped).
Buys me just any old gift-demonstrates to me she's no clue who I am.
Asking me questions w/in 1 hr of me waking up.
Talks during a film.

"I can't believe lying, cheating and stealing did not make the mens' list."

Perhaps, such things are such a "given" that they don't even need to be said?

For example, when in college (many decades ago) I helped a classmate conduct a survey similar to this one; except it was "Want do men and women want in a spouse?" My classmate's survey was one that one of her professors had done back in the 1950s. My classmate was doing it again in the 1970s to see what had changed.

Some of her classmates expressed surprised that many men said she "must be a virgin" in the 1970s survey; but it was rarely mentioned in the 1950s survey. (If I recall correctly, both surveys included 100 men and 100 women. In the 1950s survey only 2 men mentioned that she must be a virgin; while in the 1970s survey somewhere around 30 or so said that she must be a virgin - that is actually quite a jump in the number requiring virginity before marriage)

But, the reason for this increase in wanting her to be a virgin, we believed, was that it was expected in the 1950s that she would be a virgin that nobody even thought about it. While later in the 1970s it was something that was on men's minds as there was the possibility that she might have slept with someone other then her husband-to-be.

I'm not saying that it is a right or wrong attitude; just that it helped to explain why there was an increase (to an open-ended question) on the survey in expecting the wife to be a virgin before marriage.

It might be the same with the survey being mentioned here. Men are so expecting women to be honest that they don't even think of it as a "deal-breaker" for dishonesty is a "not even a deal." Am I making sense?

As Amy said, this wasn't a scientific survey - open ended questions can given unexpected results (while non-open-ended questions can mislead those being survyed)

• Secret debt.

• Weird fascination with/testing of fidelity.

• Games of "Does my ass look fat in these pants" [etc.] lasting longer than 90 seconds... I'll only date adults, and expect them to manage their own moods accordingly.

Most importantly:

• The failure to recognize that feminine nature has enormous and predictable hazards, just as does male nature. (A woman with no awareness of this truth is barely human.)

We see these lists over at answerology now and then, but one must-have women invariably leave out is ATTRACTION CHEMISTRY. Attraction is the qualifier, without it, the rest is just optional cr@p. Women wear shopping lists on their sleaves, but as soon as they find a man who has that one thing they left out, the list goes in the trash. It's as if a man can have every other dealbreaker that shows he's a genuine sociopath and it's okay, as long as he sets her panties on fire. Women say they always outgrow this phase, but I don't believe it... lookit all the hot women who faithfully show up for visiting day at prison.
Surprising also that the men don't list "Obese" as a dealbreaker-- it's the top of my list. Of course, I see men everywhere with porkie wives, so there's a contradiction in here somewhere, too.

I never knew what "sh!t testing" was until a woman I'd been friends with began doing it to me... essentially pushing my personal boundaries and testing my patience in many other ways. Women do this to gauge what sort of man-material we're made of, but it can be overdone. The PUAs have whole lesson plans about it, Robert Glover has a book about it; it's intrinsic to evolutionary psychology in women. It has no place, though, in a mature domestic relationship. When it becomes a fixture in any relationship, it's time to break things off.

I've been married 15 years and we actually discussed the deal breakers before the wedding. Mine are as follows:

Smoking. (pot's ok, just no cigs)
Drugs stronger than pot.
Cheating on me.
Getting a DUI. (no problem with drinking, just don't drive.)

When she says "My children will always come first"... ie, "You don't come second. There IS no second."

Cluster-B personality disordered women should be ruled out, but they're often the most interesting ones around... Crazy, though!

For me, I will walk, run actually if he does show respect in every way...
Manners, being on time, following through with plans, treating me and my ideas, our conversations, etc with respect.
Other things that are "no go items" for me are:
.Lack of humor
.Lack of tolerance for my boys (don't have to play daddy...they have one)
.Jealousy or possessiveness
.Don't have the same basic political views (BASIC...obviously there will be differences. I couldn't make it through cocktails with a Marxist)
.Don't have the same level of sex drive (will cause problems later if not close on that)

tattoos, snooping and neediness.

In descending order

Gender Feminist - ie all sex is rape, the patriarchy is real and mailing out news letters, believing in the wage gap, its mens' fault there aren't more female politicians regardless of the fact that there are more women, they register to vote in higher numbers, the live longer, and they vote more than men when registered

Withholding sex

Abuse - I have a rule, you hit me and we have two choices,
a) the relationship is over
b) you promise never to do it again, and I warn you the next time it happens I'm hitting back, and then the relationship is over

Willful Stupidity - ignorance is one thing, being dumb due to genetics or a bad childhood is fine, but having the capacity to be smart/clever and actively refusing to use it.

Addiction

It's questions like this that I miss Lena. I predict her response would have been something like "blue waffles".

Oh, on the off chance I date a woman with kids and she puts me first I leave.

Unless the kids are about to graduate high school a single parents first duty is to their kids, not the guy they just fucking met. Also dont introduce me to your kids unless we have reached the point where we are talking about moving in together because the last thing a kid from a broken home needs is a rotating cast of guys/girls they might see once or twice or so only to have them disappear

I run from people with drug addictions, gambling habits, etc., but I'll only list what others haven't already mentioned.

-- Spender.

-- Talks to her friends about my personal life. (That means I have to start being guarded about how much she knows, and that's not too far away from having to treat her like a frenemy.)

-- Smoker.

-- Chronic illness. (I'm sympathetic, but I can't turn that into my lifelong problem. I already have enough obligations. It's different if the condition develops after we're in a committed relationship; I wouldn't leave someone because they got sick.)

-- Feminist. (I dont' want to hear about how how she's not one of the "bad" ones who celebrates the short-term upsides of divorce culture and cheers when a man gets destroyed in family court. Why should I take the risk? And I don't want to listen to her bullshit about how she doesn't hate men, she hates the social/cultural system.)

-- STD

-- Is more interested in what kind of person I am than what kind of person she is. (Implies I have to match her checklist, but she doesn't have equal responsibility to ensure she builds strong character and maintains sound personal habits.)

-- Wants sex too soon. (I want to get to know her first, to see if there's a chance we can share something important. Sex is dessert, not the main course.) I don't do short-term flings.

-- Doesn't respect my privacy or boundaries. I'll decide when and how she becomes part of my life. It's not ok for her to elbow her way in, and then get upset when her presumption is rebuffed.

-- Feels free to judge my interests and pasttimes, while knowing ABSOLUTELY nothing. That's the sign of a rigid mind narrowed by ideology. People like that usually have degrees but forgot to get an education. Also, what their friends accept/reject rules their life, and her top priority is finding a man they will accept. Ferinstance, if she gets thrown for a loop by the fact that I own guns she can go to hell.

-- Starts talking about what I should be doing differently. I already have a life, and it's not a blank canvas for her to rearrange. I'm open to learning from her (that's one of the true joys of being with people different than ourselves) but I'll decide what I think is valuable. It's not up to her to make choices for me.

-- Has no life-skills. People in strong marriages know how to do stuff. Cook, fix things, make things, develop their interests. In Jane Austin's books women with skills in life and art were called "accomplished". It still matters. In the best long-term relationships, both the man and the woman are capable. Also, I admire people who can do things. I'm impressed when someone can paint, quilt, do woodworking, sew, do home renovations, or redecorate tastefully.

That's all that comes to mind at the moment. No doubt there's more. Just about everything I don't like is the flipside of the things I respect and enjoy discovering in another person.

Nothing about mismatched libidos? Man, my ex put the brakes on sex shortly after we got married. Then it was a long, slow death.

I'm not sure I believe in dealbreakers. I think most people will break almost any deal with themselves given sufficient incentive. I imagine something like this:

Stacy Keibler: "I would never date a man who doesn't respect me enough to commit to marriage......hello there George!"

I have to say I dated the, "I am done with needy types," So he dated me, the independent type (who is still labeled needy when necessary). He couldn't find my clitoris and I faked it every time. The only man I have ever I had to do that with and I put up with it because my friends were so, "he's perfect," and I thought perhaps they knew better at that age. He broke up with me because I didn't need him enough. I was relieved because of the bad sex and it was always something with him. I might have married him due to peer pressure believe it or not. My girlfriends were very disappointed that neither he or I would settle.

Truth was, he needed the needy. I dated another one who thought he hated being bossed around until he realized he liked it. Now he is married to someone who is mean to him in my view. He thinks, "that's the way women are." He chose that kind of woman over and over.

I guess I should say in no particular order:

1) Lying - I am ashamed at how many times I have given men (or man, one in particular) the benefit of the doubt. It took many lies before I said, OK, he's showing me who he is and I have been a fool.

2) Finding my clitoris. Will not put up with that ever again.

3) Smoking/Bad breath/body odor. I have the sense of smell of a blood hound. I wish I didn't. I should work for the PD. Seriously, a blood hound. I have had guys hide their smoking from me. Nicotine or tobacco scent seeps out of your skin pores and I know. No amount of mouth wash can hide it. It's a turn off. My cousin married a peach who was a smoker and has since stopped, and I think would I be missing out...if he couldn't quit? i am afraid yes. I won't enjoy the kiss, or anything else. I really wish I didn't have a scent of smell like this!!!

4) Smothering. Red flag. I had a guy on the first date say he was going to marry me. All settled. Of course he married the next girl, and my friends, again, were like, that could have been you, and frankly he didn't get to know me and I didn't get to know him. He had pushed me away with his, you're the one, on date one. I have no idea how happy he and his wife are now. Who knows? He could be one of the assholes that calls up Opie and Anthony or Howard Stern about their wives.

mmm, I think Luj and Frank both hit on a small problematic snag...

It's all well and good to say that this or that is a dealbreaker. But what happens when something comes up AFTER the deal is done?

What if you went and 'put a ring on it'...

and then you found out that he/she actually wasn't that interested in sex/going to the gym/keeping a job.

What do you say to a woman, who when questioned about the hot sex that you USED to have says: "I just told you what you wanted to hear."?!?
Further masked by the horniness of pregnancy [yup.]

And you actually get a few years down the road when you find out that your interest in sex is not her problem.

It's a very expensive deal breaker, that makes you believe you've been had.

> He could be one of the assholes that calls
> up Opie and Anthony or Howard Stern about
> their wives.

What do the assholes say about them?

I am married to a great guy, and it has been tough for other men to even come close to being the honorable, kind person that he is. I hope I am never in the market for another man, but if I am, I will judge them by what they do rather than what they say.

I have met too many men who talk a good game, but there is no substance there.

Deal breakers, not lying. Some really fine men have lied to me about things that were embarrassing to them. Deliberately deceiving me about something important would be a much bigger issue.

Cruelty to people or animals? deal breaker
Rudeness? deal breaker
Subtance abuse problem? deal breaker

Some things that my husband does, annoy the snot out of me, but I am sure the reverse is true, and none of these issues are divorce worthy.

Finding my clitoris. Will not put up with that ever again.

I hope you meant [Not f]inding my clitoris.

"Finding my clitoris. Will not put up with that ever again."

Did you regularly leave it on the sink or something?

Just kidding. I know it's kept in the safety deposit box!

Wants to move in.

Smoker - sorry, just can't take it.
Committed political liberal - fails the stupid test
Committed evangelical Christian - unlikely to see eye to eye on oh-so-many issues important to me
No sense of humor - I'd get bored quickly
No "zing" - has to be something there
Head-gamer - the Aspie in me has put up with too much of this in life to deal with it in a partner

"Cluster-B personality disordered women should be ruled out, but they're often the most interesting ones around... "

Not so much IMO. I was briefly married to one. It gets old really, really fast. I can't stand to associate with women like that anymore.

The men's list seems more contradictory than the women’s, but then again, we don't know how many men were surveyed. Different strokes…

It's all well and good to say that this or that is a deal breaker. But what happens when something comes up AFTER the deal is done?

That's actually happened to me. My ex-boyfriend and I had a pretty good understanding about how housework was divided until he became unemployed after we moved in together. He still expected me to come home and cook and clean while *I* was working 12 hour days to support us. And his illegal immigrant teenage cousin who moved in with us and did absolutely NO housework or paid any bills. And the dog we both said we wanted suddenly became too much of a burden for him so I ended up being the primary care giver for him too. What did he do? Play PlayStation all day. Yeah. He became my ex real quick after that.

Mine:
-Being a slob.
I am no neat freak, but I will not live in filth. My philosophy on house cleaning is pretty simple: If you took it out, put it back. If you dirtied it, wash it.

-Co-dependency and jealousy.
These things usually go together. I cannot stand needy guys or guys who can’t deal with my very active social life. I am FEIRECLY independent, almost to a fault. I had to learn to let go a little when I got married but I am still very social. I work in theatre. I do a lot of nudity backstage for quick changes, I work nights, and work very closely with the opposite sex. I also have lots of male friends. My husband wouldn’t be my husband if he was insecure. Period.

-You have to be willing to give as well as you receive (and not just in bed). If you are stingy or greedy, you can’t be with me.

-No sense of humor. I have a really twisted sense of humor. You don’t have to share my affinity for tasteless jokes, but if you judge me for it, you’re out.

-Bad hygiene.

-Being a cheapskate. I respect a man who’s conscious of their budget but not at the expense of everyone else.

However, I've noticed that my deal breakers have changed since I've gotten older... what use to be deal breakers, aren't anymore.

-Smoking USE to be a deal breaker. My husband smokes. I knew he smoked when we started dating but, he had so many other amazing qualities that I was willing to overlook it. Since he knows I hate it though, he takes extra precaution not to smoke around me if possible, he never smokes in the house, and he has great hygiene so he doesn't always smell like smoke. He also doesn't throw his butts on the ground. He's cut back dramatically since we've gotten married but it still irks me that he has to leave dinner mid-conversation if we're out to go smoke.

-Cheating. Now, I realize I have an unpopular opinion on this...
I am not desperate for male affection. If I were suddenly single again, I am confident that I'd have no trouble getting dates or re-marrying; it's not that I don't have a choice but to stay with hubby if he cheated. And, I've been cheated on and that relationship ended promptly. But, in the past few years I've been married, I've become more forgiving. I understand that human beings are flawed and will make mistakes. I don't believe "once a cheater, always a cheater." Depending on the circumstances, and if hubby came clean and did the work to resolve whatever issue that it was that led to his cheating (and kissed a LOT of ass) I might be willing to give him a second chance. Or not. I really don't know. I know it would hurt. And I know it would take a while for me to be “okay” for lack of a better word, but, I can't definitively state that I'd leave him.