Dad In A Box
George Bonanno, the psychologist who studies grief, whom I had in my show, writes that people sometimes have grief reactions we find surprising -- and can be able to laugh at the circumstances.
Gregg went to pick up the urn full of Lucy's ashes, because, well, what if the last of your dog gets lost in the mail?
And after I, teary-eyed, opened the box and took out the tiny urn -- about three inches high and a little Chinese jar like my stylish grandma used to have -- Gregg said, "I thought it would be bigger."
I said (about three-pound Lucy), "It would be a little crazy if the urn were bigger than the dog!" And we both laughed. And I felt a little better and Gregg did, too.
This family, bringing back their father's ashes from Israel, also had some laughs, and I wasn't surprised. In the Washington Post, Shira Toeplitz writes about boarding their flight in Tel Aviv:
"Should we stow Dad in the overhead compartment?" I asked."Beats checking him in our luggage," she replied. "What if the airlines lost him?"
...His ashes sat on a conference room table in the cardboard box, inside a purple gift bag, ready for transport. Ilana and I cried for a while, but a few hours later, we were joking that we were transporting chocolate Kinder eggs in that bag. Dad would have preferred the chocolate, anyway.
Unfortunately, the security guards at Tel Aviv's Ben Gurion Airport did not share our sense of humor. After all, we were two 20-something foreigners traveling alone with a box of off-white powder.
We repeatedly explained our "Dad-in-a-box" to passport control and luggage inspectors, appropriate paperwork in hand. I grimaced as bags collided with our package on the X-ray conveyor belt.
"Did you watch him get cremated? Please be honest," a particularly stern security guard with a submachine gun strapped to his chest asked at the final checkpoint.
"Uh, no," I replied. For a second, I thought he wouldn't let us go because I hadn't witnessed the all-consuming flames.
"I'm sorry for your loss," the guard said. "Next, please."
By that flight back to the United States, all we could do was laugh at the situation. It was better than sobbing in the middle seat.
I have a darling puppy I've fallen for and hope to have her in my life, but the breeders are, somebody joked, more careful than if we were adopting an orphan. I respect this. They want the dog to not only go to a kind person who will take good care of her but the right home for her.
Gregg and I had a Skype conversation with the husband on Friday morning. I normally don't interrupt my early morning writing hours unless there's an earthquake that throws me out of my desk chair, but this dog already has me wound around its tiny paw.
I need to talk to the husband again on Wednesday, and I hope they will decide I'll give her a good home. Mine is a bit empty without a little doggie to love.
I hope you take a doggie home soon.
You are one of two people I know currently in the process of getting a new dog. My friend (acquiring a dachshund) has had to fill out an eight-page survey/personal history, take part in multiple interviews, get two personal references, pass a quiz on dog care, and submit to an "on-site visit" of his home. My husband says he went through something similar when he "rescued" a cat a few years ago.
I understand breeders/rescuers wanting to be take some precautions. After all, they don't want these animals to be abused or abandoned. Isn't this excessive, though? I'm thinking this will drive prospective dog owners to horrible puppy mills and pet stores where you can hand over cash and take a puppy home without getting the third degree.
Insufficient Poison at July 27, 2013 8:35 AM
Oh! My friend also needed a reference from a vet, according his FB post, which I just revisited.
Insufficient Poison at July 27, 2013 8:43 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2013/07/dad-in-a-box.html#comment-3821771">comment from Insufficient PoisonI gave them our vet's phone number and his work history, education, etc. I would also be happy to give them numbers of friends to call, like that of my friend Debbie, whose boyfriend bought Lucy nicer clothes in China than he bought Debbie! (Debbie pretended to be miffed about that -- he bought Lucy a silk kimono that actually fit her.)
I have no problem at all with the vetting they do. They are really rigorous in how they raise and socialize their dogs. I think they are the best breeder I have ever encountered. They told me they have 30 people they turn away for every dog and I absolutely believe it.
This doggie we saw on Skype is loving, elegant, and exactly the temperment that would be right for me: Not a dog park dog, not a dog that wants to go on long walks -- a dog that wants to be with you, sleep in your lap, cuddle with you. I am writing much of the day and I want a dog I can take places as I did with Lucy. This doggie already has a dinner party invite, though I had to tell my friend I'm not sure she'll be mine yet.
It's very important she's around people to be socialized properly and Gregg said yesterday night that if I do get her, he'll throw her a "coming out" party at my house. I love that!
Back when I used to have parties here, the rule was that Lucy could not be put down. She was passed from person to person and just loved it -- everybody cooing over her. This dog is that kind of dog as well and they actually send her places, to be with friends who play with her for the weekend or overnight, to see that she's not nervous or skittish.
Having a dog is actually a huge responsibility and anybody who isn't up for some vetting at the start doesn't seem that serious to me. I think it's good that this breeder does this and wish more were as careful.
Amy Alkon
at July 27, 2013 9:00 AM
I'm on my fourth Boxer. On top of my armoire sits three cedar boxes containing Brutus, Bella and Boxer. People are creeped out that I had them all cremated and keep their remains on display. But when I look at those boxes, I'm reminded of all the wonderful memories our family made with them.
Our first Boxer Brutus came to live with us when my oldest daughter was 1, and I've had at least one and sometimes two Boxers at a time since then. The kids have loved and cared for them, and the dogs have been loyal and protective towards any child that comes into our house. When my first grandson was born, we could barely get near him because my second Boxer, Bella truly thought she was the momma. Shortly after my grandson was born, Bella was diagnosed with cancer. The only thing that truly made her happy was having the baby in my bed next to her so she could nuzzle and clean him. We lost her when the baby was four months old.
Amy, I hope the breeders realize just how much you would love and care for the puppy, and place her with you. I have no doubt you would give that little puppy the best home ever...and Gregg would be in doggy heaven having another one to spoil!
sara at July 27, 2013 12:40 PM
"She was passed from person to person and just loved it -- everybody cooing over her."
I think that might depend on breed, not just training.
I have a pure bred Siberian Husky, which I got from a breeder. (See previous post)
These dogs are called watchers. Guess what they do? He's a lovable pup, very friendly with people he knows.
However, if he doesn't know you well, I have to introduce you to him. It takes at least three visits for him to become comfortable. While he will NEVER bite, at least with someone in the home, he does tend to bark and howl.
If I'm not home, and you come to my property, it's a whole different ball of wax. Huskies are very territorial, no matter how they've been trained. When we first got him, my father in law let himself into my house.
He was promptly chased out. He will not come to my house anymore if I am not home.
Win!
They are not for everybody. No matter how you well you train them, they are very excitable around strangers.
My other dog, who I bought off a lady who was mistreating her, is the exact opposite. She was beaten, not walked, and generally ignored unless she did something wrong.
She'll just lick you to death, despite the mistreatment. Or she'll eat your soul with those goo-goo eyes that just melt even the most avid dog hater.
I really think it's the breed, although training is of course necessary.
Good Luck Amy, rootin for ya!
wtf at July 27, 2013 2:54 PM
I wonder if the difficulty with airport security in Israel is that it is that few Jews choose cremation (some citing the Holocaust, others religious laws which I'm not versed enough of to cite).
Shannon M. Howell at July 28, 2013 11:03 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2013/07/dad-in-a-box.html#comment-3822876">comment from Shannon M. HowellNo, Shannon -- I believe there's some Jewish law against defacing the body. I think, if you have a tattoo, you aren't supposed to be buried within the walls of a Jewish cemetery.
Primitive bullshit.
Amy Alkon
at July 28, 2013 11:16 AM
It's fortunate they didn't import any Kinder Surprise eggs into the USA. The current fine is $2,500 each!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinder_Surprise
EarlW at July 29, 2013 6:50 PM
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