I'm reminded of Miss Manners' stance on "requesting" when it comes to gifts: there is simply no polite way to do it. None.

If you want people to forgo giving you anything and simply give to a favorite charity, even, there's no way to do that.

Basically, her answer to any questions regarding gifting, such as "How do you tell wedding guests where the bride is registered?" or "How do you notify guests that we have everything we need, but we think giving to the humane society would be wonderful?" is met with, "You don't."

Dear Abby is a little more flexible than Miss Manners, but not much. Abby said it might be okay to engage in a whisper campaign. Have close friends or relatives put the word out, but under no circumstances should this be even hinted at in the wedding invitations.

While I love Miss Manners, I'm rather annoyed with her over this point. Surely, she can come up with a polite way of notifying guests that you have everything you need and are not interested in acquiring more worldly possessions.

Personally, I am far more moved by gifts such as the one you gave, Amy. It shows that the giver put thought and effort into the process instead of throwing a dart at a registry list. Same for birthdays and Christmas. I'd much rather get some homemade cookies or jam from someone than a gift card to Macy's.

And as for the "no gift" - thoughtless, yes. But we're adults. You shrug, make a mental note and move on. If you move through life having your happiness and contentment rest on what people give you, I feel sorry for you.

UW Girl, feeling so inadequate in not having money to spend, I actually searched long and hard for a gift and found that book and was happy I did.

I thought it was so sweet -- with the little pieces that come out. It's one of those children's books that's not really a children's book; more of an adult keepsake.

FYI, I collect some children's books -- the sort that aren't just for children and that spark imagination and have beautiful drawings, like those by Chris Van Allsburg.

I like gifts. I liked the china, and I liked the homemade gifts. I liked the expensive ones and the less expensive ones. I liked the surprise of opening a package.

I hate it when people say "no gifts". Because I want to give them something, I want them to look at some object 20 years from now and be all "Good god, this vase is ugly, but we can't get rid of it because Nicole gave it to us" and have a nice laugh and remember me fondly. Or maybe they love the vase.

Honestly, I love it when people I know well enough to be invited but not intimately register. I hate "no gifts" because you have two options:

1) Get them something they don't like because they are playing coy and won't just tell you what they like
2) Don't get them anything and show up and you're the asshole who is the only one who showed up with no gift

Amy is writing a book on manners, so let's ask her. Amy, what do you think is the best way (if there even is a good way) to notify guests that you have all you want and you really don't want anything else?

When it comes to getting gifts, none could match the Queen consort of England's King George V, Queen Mary. Woe betide anyone who ever entertained her in their homes. She treasured nicknacks. Paying for them, not so much.

If she was in someone's home and happened to see an object she wanted, she would simply gaze adoringly at it. "I am caressing it with my eyes," she would say. For most people in awe of royalty (even if she was merely the Queen consort) this not-too-subtle hint was sufficient for her hosts to insist she take it.

For those that didn't quite get the message, Mary would up her game. As she prepared to leave, she would pause in the doorway and ask, "May I please go back and say good-bye to that dear little [fill in the blank with whatever it was that Queen Mary, Full of Greed, wanted that day]?"

If the first failed, the second usually worked. As a very last resort, she would include in her thank-you letter a request to purchase the coveted piece.

It really was beyond belief. The Queen's regular hosts soon started preparing for her visits by stashing away anything that they thought the Queen would like until the Royal Treasure Hunt was over.

But one way or another, Queen Mary always got what she wanted...with one exception.

When she was assembling her famous dollhouse (with a market value that surpassed all but the most expensive of real homes), famous authors of the day were asked to stock the library by donating miniature volumes of their books. While most quickly complied, George Bernard Shaw rebuffed Her Majesty's request with breathtaking rudeness.

Essentially, he told he where she could stick her little books.

I can't believe the poster girl in the story--she's the lawyer who worked to get plastic bags banned in LA, but she has time to recall who stiffed her on wedding prezzies? My guess is that those guests didn't forget--they just didn't like her. And the manners expert who suggest that the bereft bride send a bill, er, letter asking about the gifts? tacky, tacky, tacky.

Queen Mary didn't commission the dollhouse. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1323346/Queens-Dolls-House-miniature-library-opens-public-Windsor-Castle.html

I love the Griffin and Sabine books. My husband (then, boyfriend) got them for me while we were in college, and I've always loved the books themselves, as well as the story. It's a great gift.

I saw an article not long ago written by a guy who attended a wedding, and he and his girlfriend put together a nice picnic basket as a gift, with food and wine. The couple actually contacted him to tell him that his gift sucked, they paid good money for his and his date's reception meals, and he should've given cash, $200 minimum to cover the cost of the meals. I don't think I've ever heard of anything so rude and entitled in my life. The worst part is that many commenters agreed with the couple, and have the writer a bunch of shit for not knowing "that rule."

Here's the link to that, btw. I still can only shake my head at the whole situation.

http://m.thespec.com/news-story/3845206-have-your-say-about-the-firestorm-over-a-wedding-gift/?icid=blogmsnliv

When I got married, I thought the purpose of the wedding was to bring loved ones together to celebrate the union of two people, two families, into something new. Silly me, I guess.

Having just gotten married to the love of my life on July 27, the best gift of all was sharing our commitment and love with those we were so grateful to attend. I am not sure where the idea of a wedding being a quid pro quo event came from, but my spouse and I never considered it such. It was a time to gather friends and family to enjoy a very special moment and that is the greatest gift of all. And by the way, a gift such as you gave your friend would have been most heartwarming and forever cherished. Thanks for your post, Amy. It really again points out the crass entitlement that far too many people feel. What an awful way to go through life and an even worse way to sully such a special milestone of one's life.

I think it's so sweet what Gregg did for you regarding the lady. That is the sweetest thing I have heard :-) I hope to one day find a man that would treat me as sweet :-) I'm with you about gifts I like giving and receiving them and if someone took the time to find such a thoughtful gift like the book you gave,to me that means more than some impersonal gift card or expensive gift that didn't hold any sentiment and put someone in debt. My brother did that to me, I am not rich by any means and he was having this pretty big ceremony and took the scanner in some very expensive stores for their list of wedding gifts,there was no way for me to get it,I say to him that I'm a single Mom not rich and can't afford that stuff and he said if I can't afford that don't bother with bringing anything cheap because he wanted the lavish stuff he chose at stores and I ended up going with nothing and felt like a heel because he didn't want something cheap. He still is that way too regarding gifts to him or my nieces and sister in law,if I can't by a name brand item they don't want it. To me it'd mean more if someone got me something like the bill you mentioned or something to do with artistic stuff and I like getting gifts but don't want someone going into debt or having to skip a meal for me to have some Tiffany type gift :-)

Meant book you got where my cell replaced book with bill lol!

Your welcome Amy :-) I hope for someone that'll be sweet like that,I haven't dated in so long I don't even remember what it's like haha! With my ex I should have heeded my dreams and signs and warnings about him but was stubborn and definitely learned something from that painful relationship but did get Emma out of it and she is such a sweety :-) both of my daughters are so sweet they help this town here be a little more bearable. It is so true that it matters how people treat you,I can share some appalling situations that I've had here but that's why moving from here is not a chore to me.It would be so nice to be surrounded by people that would help even if busy or love me and my daughters for who we are. That's sweet what you did for your friend Pierre and your assistant and putting up pics your neighbor gives you,sweet! Those things mean so much more than bought things and having someone that understands and appreciates it too that is great :-)

I never said she did commission the dollhouse; it was actually a gift. I said she was assembling it. Perhaps I should have said she was assembling the furnishings for it. And she was. She was petitioning authors of the day to stock the library, for instance. And she did manage to assemble an entire library, but without the contribution of George Bernard Shaw.

Amy -
An aside, I also collect children's books - even though I have two children, I have my own shelf.

If you're not familiar already, check out PJ Lynch, especially his "East of the Sun, West of the Moon" and "Gift of the Magi".

And if you're looking for a good giggle, "The Secret Knowledge of Grownups".

'"One of our groomsmen, a childhood best friend who was already quite famous back then, forgot to gift," said Ms. Boyle,'

His gift you selfish twit was showing up to be in your wedding party. Tuxes don't rent themselves. I was in a wedding once where I ate the rental cost and gave them a nice wedding gift. I really couldn't afford it either. Lets just say I haven't seen them since the wedding but then I wasn't really close friends with the guy in the first place.

This woman seems to take obsessive compulsive disorder to an entirely new level.

I hope there is medication for it.

There is, arsenic.

My niece and her husband were married two years ago. This was after living together a number of years and having three kids. They had a couple of registries, and one was at Target. They had funny stuff on the list; an ice chest, a 30 pack of Coors, chips, dips, popcorn, some movies and ring pops and other assorted candy and snacks. I bought the ice chest (the kind with wheels), and most of the little silly nonsensical stuff contained on the registry. Put it all together, tied a couple of empty soda cans and a "Just Married" sign to the back. It was the biggest hit and was the center of conversation at the wedding. The best part was, I had a lot of fun putting it together, and with the exception of the beer, my three nephews had a grand time raiding it throughout the reception!

Oops, hit submit before finishing my thought - I'm easily distracted! I wanted to finish with, those are the kinds of gifts I enjoy giving. I don't mind the registries, I can usually find something on them that inspires me to build a gift around an inexpensive item. One of my favorite wedding gifts to buy is board games. If you're young and just starting out, it's nice to invite friends over for dinner and games, especially if you're young and broke!

I love their list, Sara!

This, Patrick, is the best way to get your friends to avoid going into debt for you.

I got snookered into giving a wedding gift last year.

My brothers (then) fiance was supposedly understanding that I couldn't afford a wedding gift, AND have my daughter be the flower girl, since my husband was on disability and I was between jobs. She was supposedly totally ok with it!

She wanted both flower girls to wear matching yellow princess gowns. We searched every store within 100 miles to find one to match the one her little sister already had. Could not find one to save our souls. Yellow, yes. Princess gown, yes. Yellow princess gown to match? Nadda!

Since I already felt really guilty about not being able to a afford a gift, I suggested we buy both girls matching new gowns right then, and her mother could pay me back for half the cost. Since her mother was already paying for the entire affair, she didn't see a problem with it, and called her mother, who agreed.

A year and a bit later, I still haven't gotten anything back, as "we just considered it a wedding gift!"

Since it was a verbal agreement and I stupidly trusted her, I'm trying to convince myself it's my own stupid fault.

Sio: "His gift you selfish twit was showing up to be in your wedding party."

Sio; you're quite right. Members of the wedding party often RECEIVE gifts from the couple for putting up with Bridezilla and her idiot groom.

Which reminds me of a friend's wedding. While the guys all had their tuxes rented by the groom; rather than having all the bridesmaids dress in dresses that they will never wear again (and outside a wedding would not want to be seen in!) this friend took all three of her bridesmaids to a department store and bought them nice evening dresses that they choose themselves.

Yes, it is true, there was no "theme" to their wedding (other than everyone have a good time and celebrate our wedding - a worthwhile "theme" if there is to be a theme) eveyone looked just great.

All of the bridesmaids got many years wear out of those dresses. My one friend would wear it every time we went out for New Year's Eve and loved re-telling the story of how it was a bridesmaid's dress at her friend's wedding!

Charles: Sio; you're quite right. Members of the wedding party often RECEIVE gifts from the couple for putting up with Bridezilla and her idiot groom.

"Bridezilla" and "idiot groom" aren't very kind things to call people you don't even know. I might suggest that you don't even know if these people are idiots, except that the are getting married, which pretty much makes the case for their idiocy right there.

What I see creeping in to discussions about weddings is talk of how the guests are supposed to 'cover their plate'. Ugh. No matter how lavish the tastes of the Bridezilla, I'm supposed to give a gift to cover the cost of my meal? That's not hospitality. It's a result, I guess, or people having weddings that they can't afford.

When getting married 10ish years ago, my husband and I didn't do a registry - finding them to be more like a "gimme" than anything else. The first 3 or 4 times I got a call from my mom about some relative who wanted to know what we wanted or where we were registered, I said, "Please tell them we are requesting their presence not their presents ."

That did NOT work... although some of my more grammar-ly relatives thought it was funny. We eventually registered because it seemed to make our relatives happy. While it was nice to have actually-matching plates and things (since we were in grad school), we loved getting the more spontaneous gifts - they were fun to open.

Frankly, I can only remember who gave a few of them (and we had a small wedding). Actually, when my brother got married a few years back, I got a call from my parents asking what, if anything, they gave us. All I could say was I remembered writing the thank-you note, but I was at a loss as to what they gave.

On another note, I think I remember Miss Manners saying it is all right, if somebody were to ASK a relative, if that relative were to give an indication (such as, "oh they're putting together two households and have more than enough things and really just want to share the day with you, but they are particularly fond of the SPCA - as they met while volunteering there. If you really want to give them something, I'm sure a donation in their honor would delight them.")

Am I the only person who read this and thought it was the LOVERS that had parts that came out and not the book?

Chinese people just give cash. Here, buy your own present.

It is pretty awful out there, and the degree of awfulness tells you something about the people involved - usually, their maturity level.

I had a cousin who married young, and (please insert adolescent hand-waving here) just had to invite just all of her friends. All 700 of them.

Her parents are not well off, and had to dip into their retirement savings to pay for it. After all, you can't say "no" to your spoiled little princess.

I married a lot later in life. My wife and I went to a justice of the peace, said our pledges, then went to lunch with our immediate families - fewer than a dozen of us. No stress, just enjoyment.

wtf: Since it was a verbal agreement and I stupidly trusted her, I'm trying to convince myself it's my own stupid fault.

I'm as much for personal responsibility as Amy is...in fact, moreso, since Amy is able to feel anything other than disgust for Monica Lewinsky.

However, it's not your fault if someone promises you something and fails to deliver. Where these people are concerned, get it in writing from now on, but if some scumbag takes advantage of you, it's their fault, not yours.

While I love Miss Manners, I'm rather annoyed with her over this point. Surely, she can come up with a polite way of notifying guests that you have everything you need and are not interested in acquiring more worldly possessions.

Posted by: Patrick at August 25, 2013 3:25 AM
___________________________________

I think that when the couple is over a certain age, it's just common SENSE for the guests to assume that the list of things the couple wants or needs is quite short. Cash will do fine, even when the couple is under 25.

Only a fool would think a couple in their 30s doesn't already have a blender.

If you're a bride or a groom and you get a pile of stuff you really, really don't want and can't use, SELL IT.

BTW, a far worse sin than failing to gift is failing to write a thank-you note. (You can take a year to GIVE a present, you have only a day two to write the thank-you notes.)

Thank you Patrick, that's sweet of you.

I'll not trust her as far as I can throw her now, concerning money anyway, which is sad since she's family.

She's actually had the nerve to ask to borrow money since.

HA!

Grow the fuck up, indeed.

I've been married twice, in 1991 and again in 2001, and even after wracking my brains for the past 45 minutes, I can only recall a few of the gifts we received. Hell, I can't even remember what my bf gave me last Xmas.

Nor do I care. I didn't invite people to my weddings or to holiday gatherings so they can give me crap, or so I can show off - I invited them because I enjoy their company (well, most of them) and wanted to share the occasion with them.

We related to our commitment ceremony as part thank-you party, to acknowledge the love and support from family and friends, and what that makes possible for us. For the commitment ceremony, that meant having two wedding cakes (including one that met the needs of folks with food allergies), wheelchair accessible bathrooms, having lunch immediately after the ceremony, and saying "thank you," in the ceremony and after. We did register for gifts - partly because having two brides back then was confusing enough without folks having to wonder which mother of the bride to call.

We're throwing a small anniversary party this year, and have pointedly asked people not to bring gifts - we've had two moves in four months, some of the boxes are not yet unpacked, and a request for no gifts is a thinly veiled beg for mercy in the stuff department. But most of all, at this point in our lives we really do treasure time. I know how hard my friends work and how rare and precious their down time is.

I cannot fathom asking someone to sanctify a union by being witness to it and then disrespect the guest for not giving more.

...and Amy, you have excellent taste in books. The G&S series is enchanting.

At our wedding, we had a registry, but I preferred people donate to the wedding. Nothing extravagent, only in their budget. My response to my caterer friend as a menu was 'whatever you can cheaply and easily make that's tasty for 40 people'. One person donated the ribbon for my bouquets.It was maybe $5. I only reremembered who gave for the sake of the thank you notes. I still have my wedding album with the list for reference. I'm sure plenty didn't give, but it was perfect for me.