Ex wife's favorite was loud,long, public airing of all my perceived faults in public. I finally realized she held me in contempt for being working class while she had a MSW. Her mom had the same attitude toward her father. Yes some do become their mother.

Like we're gonna embarrass our spouses by answering this thread!

Wow. I knew I had it good but this question really brought it home. Married 15 years, together for 17, and I don't think my husband has ever embarrassed me.

My mother, on the other hand... (but that's what parents are supposed to do).

Fred: same here - Could our ex's be related? Lol! So, I decided I wouldn't remarry... Then I found someone who actually believes in respect and she takes maligning of her spouse very personally. The two clearly would never get along.

Fred, glad she's an ex-wife.

I agree with Amy; that's horrible, horrible behavior. And I can't imagine her audience, unless they're as petty and crass as she is, saw her as anything but a malicious shrew.

There's another type of spousal embarrassment...in a way. It's the embarrassment that people try to inflict on someone for not having one.

A single person at a party full of couples? There's a kind of unspoken condescension that seems to scream, "Well, what's wrong with this person that they can't find someone?"

Ironically, the sneerers are usually the ones in the worst relationships.

People seem to like my husband more than they like me, but whenever we're visiting he monopolizes the conversation talking about himself and his hobbies. So when we visit my old friends or family I hear about him. He gets pretty arcane, I guess hoping to impress. When the topic gets shifts from him, sometimes he'll start cleaning his fingernails. In front of people. He seems to get away with it.

Yet I can't say we have many couple friends either.

My ex's favorite party trick was to suddenly go off on a crying jag for no apparent reason. That would get people starting to ask her what was wrong, which would lead to them going off to a side room where she would "reluctantly" confess to them all of my real or perceived faults. This would usually lead to me being excluded from the room (for being so abusive to my wonderful spouse) and becoming persona non grata at future such gatherings. She actually convinced several couples to start inviting her to parties without me. (That lasted until she had an affair with one of the husbands.)

My boyfriend takes about 15 minutes to order anything from a restaurant.

First, he'll ask the waiter what he'd recommend. Then, he'll order that -- but with about 20 different substitutions. Then, inevitably, he'll start closing his menu, but then see something that looks REALLY good -- so he'll change his mind and order that. Oh, but can he still get the side and the sauce that came with the first dish? No? OK well how about they put the old sauce on the side anyway, just so he can try it? And can he change his wine pairing? What would the waiter recommend? Oh there's a beer sampler? Can the waiter tell him about all the beers that are on it? Nevermind, he'll still take the wine ... and a beer ... no wait... just the wine. Ah, he'll have the beer sampler after all, but can he substitute the hefeweizen for something else?

My boyfriend is charming and friendly, and the waiters always seem to like him anyway. But I still cringe and give the waiter my best "I'm so sorry" eyes.

Cousin Dave...you stayed with her long enough for her to pull this trick more than once?

Seriously! Sympathies to Dave and Fred.

My own husband has a way of letting his mouth run ahead of his brain, and it's moved beyond the realm of embarrassing to seriously driving me bat-shit.

So much so, that I occasionally wonder whether he has Asperger's or something.

It's always cringe-worthy, and always mortifying. Like the time he told my best friend she was better off without her cat that just died, since it was incontinent. Or the time he started telling penis jokes to the mom when my daughters friend was brought over for a play-date. Thank GOD the kids had already run off. EEEEK!

In every other way tho, he suits me, so I deal. Sometimes tho, I just wish I could wire his jaw shut, or staple his lips together.

I know a guy who has repeatedly told the same embarrassing story about a "wardrobe malfunction" his girlfriend had. You can tell she hates it when he brings it up, just in case one of us is new to the group or missed it the last time.

He also babbles on about women a lot. It can be anyone - a famous actress, a mutual acquaintance, or a random stranger walking down the street. He'll critique the woman's body, just droning on and on and on.

I don't know why his girlfriend puts up with him. To me he is just a tiresome windbag who I avoid. His girlfriend has dated men in the past who were physically abusive, and this guy at least doesn't smack her around, so maybe she thinks he's the best she can do. He considers himself to be gregarious and charming.

It makes me thankful for the boyfriend I have.

since Dave and Fred have pretty much covered it, I'ma stoppin' with: "ya dun wanna know."

after a while "she's an ex- for a reason." pretty much covers it.

I've done what wtf's hubby has done (ex craves privacy more than anything, and hated it); but recently I spontaneously grew a brain-mouth filter. I'm not sure why it stopped, but my thoughts would ricochet around like a pinball and fly out of my mouth at random.

Ex and I were good at shredding each other. Finally I admitted to myself I could be a dick, we weren't a match and there are worse things than being alone.

A husband and wife were at a fancy dinner, and the husband became very drunk and beligerant. He starts berating his wife, who stands up, places her napkin on the table, and calmly says, "There are 20 miles of dick in this town and I'm not going to take any more shit from your four inches."

"Cousin Dave...you stayed with her long enough for her to pull this trick more than once?"

Believe it or not, she pulled this stunt and many others in one year of marriage, although we dated on and off for four years. It was dumb of me to let it all go on that long; all the warning signs were there. Fortunately, I'm smarter than that now.

Glad to hear it. I truly doubt anyone on this blog who's had any interaction with you at all could be convinced that you're an abuser.

Hubby is good at acting the fool. He was the class clown and never changed. I finally got through to him that "class clown" was NOT the reputation he wanted at work, so that has changed. Past that, though, I take the "I'm not in charge of him, what he does reflects on him only" tack and don't let it bother me, and generally actually enjoy it. He's very gregarious and everyone likes him, he's not offending people with the way he acts.

So I don't really think we do any of the above. Even if something embarrassing happens to one of us, like getting bird pooped on, we just joke about it.

College BF would fly off the handle and cause a scene frequently when we went out. That WAS embarrassing in front of my friends. I should have ended that a lot earlier than it actually died. A LOT earlier.

My husband never embarrasses me, which means I have to be gauche for two. sigh.

My husband has a brain disorder, which causes him to say/do embarrassing things (think Tourette's). He has no idea that he's doing them, but sometimes, it can be embarrassing to have him momentarily lose it in public and then have to explain that he's not abusive, not a jackass, but that his brain is a little broken.

I don't know what categories this falls under, but my husband praises me to high heaven in public. However, he can be quite nasty in private. It's not always easy keeping my cool when he whispers, "you look like a fat old dyke" angrily in my ear in the middle of a crowd. It's embarrassing if I get upset. Of course if I say anything, I'm a psycho bitch who criticizes my sweet, considerate husband. My husband doesn't believe in airing dirty laundry, but rarely brings things so that we can talk them out at home.

Jen: " . . . my husband praises me to high heaven in public. However, he can be quite nasty in private."

There's a phrase for such folks - street angel, house devil. I've got a couple of those in my family. They are very difficult to deal with. You have my sympathy. Thankfully, I'm not married to them.

My serious ex-GF used to think our private lives where open for conversation with anyone and everyone. For example, we were out with friends (originally hers) and I came from the bathroom or bar or something to her telling all the ladies how she was going to change my diet because I was stinking up the bathroom so bad.

My dad does the same thing as sofar was talking about. I hate it -- as much for the time it takes as anything.

"However, he can be quite nasty in private......"

This is not embarrassing behavior.

Abusive. Plain and simple. I'm sure you are aware that abuse does not have to be physical.

Jen, you deserve better than this. You have my sympathy.

Please think about leaving. This is not normal yet quirky behavior you find embarrassing. This is him doing his best to undermine your self esteem while simultaneously proving what a golden boy he is to all his peers.

You are worth far more than this.

It's embarrassing for me if I end up telling him to shut up or losing my composure. I feel like that is his goal - to make me embarrass myself by my reaction.

Jen,
that is abuse. you don't deserve that.

Someone could do that to me.. once..

please don't stay in that type of a situation.

Jen, I think you are right. He's using the possibility of shame as a threat and form of control. He times his cheap shots to raise the cost to you of responding.

One valid way to rise above that is to speak up for yourself intentionally and clearly, with no shame. Use an appropriate level of volume, to be considerate of others without being apologetic about standing up for your self. Also feel free to walk away and leave him alone for the evening - it's fair to tell your hosts that you suddenly feel unwell and need to leave. Create consequences that are swift and support you.

Another valid option is to divorce him. It's easier than ever to understand that a spouse who might look good publicly is an abusive asshole privately. Tell your truth simply and cleanly, and you might be pleasantly surprised by how many people believe you.

My wife often claims to be embarrassed by various things I do. It doesn't cause conflict because I refrain from saying what I'm thinking, which is "That's your problem, not mine."

Once, when my ex-husband and I were at an amusement park, he lost his sneakers. They were a nice, expensive pair, and he was certain I had left the locker open. I thought it was odd that someone would take his sneakers and leave behind his wallet, my purse and everything else in there. He had a complete meltdown, screaming about what an idiot I was in front of everyone near the locker room.

Later on, he remembered that he'd left them on the bench when he was getting changed.

He pulled a similar screaming stunt at another amusement park when I left the container of powder open and some got on his wallet. He screamed his head off outside the locker room, something about powder being flammable.

God, I'm glad I'm not with him anymore.

MonicaP: "He screamed his head off outside the locker room, something about powder being flammable."

I can only imagine what others around you guys must have been thinking. I know that I would be moving away from him rather quickly.

Jen:
1) leave him for good
2) if you won't do that, the next time he whispers something nasty to you, turn around, look at him in a shocked manner, and say "Why did you just whisper that I look like a fat old dyke?" in an appropriately loud voice. Do it every time he does it.

Leave him Jen.

You don't need that shit.

Are you willing to spend the next 25 years being called a fat dyke? What about children, if you are in that phase? Are you willing to raise your boys to treat women like that? Because they will. Are you willing to raise your girls to tolerate that? Because they will.

Over and above all, stay safe. You have options.

Get out.

"It's embarrassing for me if I end up telling him to shut up or losing my composure. I feel like that is his goal - to make me embarrass myself by my reaction."

That's exactly what it is. It's a very typical Cluster B manipulation tactic.

I know a guy who praises his wife to high heaven in public too, but in his case I think it's just a way of patting himself on the back for making such a good choice of spouse. The guy is a crashing bore in general. Whenever I see him coming I have to start thinking of a way that I can excuse myself from the conversation after a minute or two.

he whispers, "you look like a fat old dyke" angrily in my ear in the middle of a crowd

Best response I can think of: honey, if I'm a dyke, it's because you made me one.

Alternative: you'll be lucky to get any the rest of this year. Remember, I'm a dyke...

Make sure you say those as sweetly as you can.

The only way my husband has ever embarassed me was by dressing inappropriately for an occasion.
It really is not something he thinks about. It was great when he was in the military because you know what you are going to wear.
When he took a civilian job, we had to recreate a uniform, to keep him appropriately dressed.

He wears one style of shirt, and one style of pants. This seems to have solved the problem for the most part.

I think my response to Jen's husband would be in the nature of a direct threat/promise.
I would say , " next time you say something nasty like that to me, you can pack your shit, immediately after, and be out of the house before I get home, because that is when we part ways"

Put him on notice, and then follow through.

Jen,
I am going to pile on with everyone else and tell you to get out of that situation. Someone who would do this to you is deeply disturbed and God only knows what else could be going on behind your back. I normally advocate for trying to work things out, but in this case, he is a sick individual and probably beyond repair.

When I saw this article in the WSJ I was disturbed by the premise bc I would never be with someone who embarrasses me in public. If I can't take you out with me without worrying, then why would I want to be with you? Absent some physiological reason for being "socially" impaired, I would think this type of thing would eventually erode the quality of the relationship. It comes down to respect. I couldn't respect a partner that acts like one of children.

"Best response I can think of: honey, if I'm a dyke, it's because you made me one."

No. Those among us who identify as fat or (in my case) dyke do not need to hear that crap.

But Jen I promise you, if you follow momof4's advice and calmly ask him why he called you a fat dyke, those of us wihin earshot will stare at him with rapt attention until he answers. Especially us dykes.

Jen, I had a friend in a relationship like yours. In public her husband spoke adoringly of her and supported all her endeavors. He would show up to her plays with flowers. In private he would say horrible things to her without any provocation. When she first told me about it, I thought she was exaggerating for attention, or else she was making excuses in order to leave him for someone else, because he was clearly SO enamored. One night at dinner with the cast, I overheard him do it. Same thing: under his breath, in a crowd, vicious words, no apparent cause.

Anyway, she stayed. That was like 10 years ago. I just looked up his online professional profile out of curiosity, and sure enough it contains a gushing and over-the-top tribute to his loving wife (whom he probably called an ugly leech today).

Jeez, this thread sure took a turn. Now *I* feel embarrassed for mentioning the way my wife sings the Grease soundtrack a bit too often for my tastes!

Mine can clear a room just by citing a Supreme Court decision, then telling everyone he refuses to say whether he agrees with the Court.

But I own him. He has nothing better.

/sarc. Kinda. I bet it's true.

Not much. Mostly, my hubby likes to stay home in his man cave (work shop). We have different friends and different interests. Please do not get him started talking on anything political tho, he starts foaming at the mouth. And Just. Can't. Stop.

I've never been embarrassed by my boyfriend. A close friend told me that she could never date a man who didn't use "your" and "you're" correctly. My boyfriend sometimes gets them confused, but that seems trivial. This close friend has actually broken up with men over grammatical errors because it's "too embarrassing".

He's not MY significant other, but my step-dad (married my mom after I was already an adult living out of the house) - he embarrasses her constantly. I couldn't date someone like that. He has some sort of social idiocy or autism or SOMETHING. He says rude, callous, or socially inept things, and has no idea that he's doing it. He'd be shunned if the people around him didn't realize that he has no idea he's insulting you. It's like he has absolutely no filter. My boyfriend's mother was horrified after meeting him (even though I warned her in advance).

One of the times I embarrassed my now-ex wife we were at a church social function. I was about 28 and she was 23 or 24. She was chatting with a group of women and I was standing about 50 feet away, with my back toward them, talking to a couple of men. My wife said she was telling the women about me and at exactly the time she pointed me out to them I reached around and scratched my ass real good. I was completely unaware of doing it, but she apparently was mortified, and when we got home that night she angrily increased my awareness. After that I never again scratched my ass where my wife might see me, so as not to embarrass her again.

But she wasn't as embarrassed then as she was the time we were opening presents at a Christmas party with relatives and friends, and she unknowingly opened the present containing the vibrator I gave her for Christmas. We were both pretty embarrassed that time.

I think the first case would fall under the category of "empathic" embarrassment. The second case would have been "reflective" embarrassment from my wife's perspective until she realized that I wasn't aware of which present she was opening and was just as surprised and embarrassed as she was. Then it became "empathic".

LauraGr, sympathies....mine does that too.

It's like a rabid dog.

Dear hubby and I have been together almost twenty years. We probably used to embarrass the shit out of each other all the time. He's an engineer, think Dilbert-quality people skills, but asked me to help him realize when he was being weird. He has been genuinely very receptive to correction which is sweet and endearing. I have a sharp, sarcastic, and utterly inappropriate sense of humor with no filter left, half the people in on my jokes are aghast and apoplectic but the other half are pissing themselves. I have NOT asked him to help me realize when I'm offending people or embarrassing him. Man, I can't wait until I'm old enough to blame this on senility.