Good grief, I'm glad this woman finally reached her breaking point, but I'm stunned at how much she put up with before she reached it.

Her daughter brings home her boyfriend unannounced and just lets him move in without her permission, they take over her bathroom and bedroom. And all of which she accepts without complaint.

Given the amount of time grief she's willing to put up with, I'm wondering what how "fairly smoothly" their tenancy actually went.

Oh, well, at least she didn't let her daughter get away with, "It's not your [parking] spot." Or maybe she did.

Well if you read the end of the article it says she kinda misses the boyfriend (and has thought about texting him) and she REALLY misses her daughter. (They moved out once college began again).

I dunno my mom is like this. I had no boundaries at all, ever.

I never did/do any of the things the Princess did above. But I think it's just inherent to my personality.

Boundaries exist so everyone can exist peacefully under one roof. But there's always one that will try and push the envelope. We teach people how to treat us, so if you're willing to allow the bad behavior to continue, then you have no one to blame but yourself.

My oldest daughter thinks she's an entitled princess. Last December, right before Christmas, she moved home with her two boys (5 and 2) and I informed her of what the rules would be (not much different from when she was living at home as a kid) and expected to fully enforce them, because with her,every loop hole has to be closed - she will try to exploit any perceived weakness. A few days later, my youngest daughter moved home with her dog. By the way, I have a 3 bedroom townhouse. I knew it wasn't going to work when my oldest daughter asked if she could move her cat in. When I said no, she was upset, and didn't understand why her sister got to bring a dog and she couldn't bring her cat. Um, hello, you brought two kids! Anyway, I kicked her out the beginning of March. She couldn't live by the rules, was lazy, left hers and her kids' mess all over my house, didn't think she should have to do anything because she worked 40 hours a week, wanted everyone else to take care of the kids, the list goes on! I was ready to kick her out at the end of the second week. The only reason I let her stay that long was the kids. Love her, love the kids, but hate living with her, and I refuse to have my peaceful life disrupted by her rude, self-centered behavior.

Sara, it must have been difficult with the children involved, but good for you for sticking to your guns.

Ppen, I did read the article, including the joke at the end where she thought about texting the boyfriend.

I'm just still stunned that she was this much of a doormat for this long. And she indicates that she knew this all long, that she was being a doormat, because she takes to list the various things that her daughter was doing...but then doesn't bother to object. I just kept thinking, its your apartment. How much are you going to put up with?

He brings to mind a roommate I had in college. I once made the mistake of letting him use my personal care products -- shower gel, shampoo, conditioner, razor, etc. -- once at the beginning of the school year because he arrived to the room late, didn't have his own and it was too late to go out and buy some.

This quickly evolved into a daily routine. He would simply wake up in the morning, go to my wardrobe and help himself.

I told him that now that he has his own personal care, that needed to stop. He said I was being ridiculous, and he would even start screaming at me. I tried leaving a note on my wardrobe, advising him to stay out of it. Finally, I had to lock them up. It was a bit of a hassle to have to do it, but it was the only way that actually worked.

I can't believe how much this woman tolerated, and for how long. Boyfriend woud never had been allowed to move in, and if my daughter had him camped there too often or had behaved as described above, I would have bounced her out on her ear in a week. Heck, just telling me MY garage was not my parking spot would have had me packing her bags.

Boyfriend called this woman "dog" because she was allowing herself to be treated like one. Any child of mine that I was putting through college or helping to put through college would have a full-time job in the summer months, not be lounging around watching TV and making messes all day in my home.

I'm all for personal responsibility, and yes, the woman did allow herself to be a doormat. She should also take part of the blame for bringing her daughter up with too much freedom, and not enough responsibilities.

However.

Boundaries or no, her disrespect for her mother seems an inherent part of her personality. I doubt that any boundaries, limits, punishments or rewards would change them. It also seems to me that if she is willing to take advantage of her mother in this fashion, she will do it to anyone.

As a child, my parents had virtually NO boundaries. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted, as long I was safe and did not endanger myself or others. I did have rules, and they were enforced, but my parents were permissive in the extreme.
Staying out till midnight at 13 yrs old like the youth of today, for example, was never even thought of, much less tolerated. I was spoiled within an inch of my life, having to only ask for something or some amount of cash, and it was granted. Perks of being raised as an only child, I guess.

I still would never dream of treating my parents the way this girl treated her mother. It would occur to me in the same breath as kidnapping the Queen. This speaks of an inherent attitude of entitlement; taking this sort of advantage of her mother is not something taught, it is something in her personality.

It should be slapped out of her, college age or no.

I think this is the daughter's revenge on Mommy's zipping off to her "other home" in Mexico and dumping the kid with dad over the years. Gille has a book coming out, too. More to this story than this NYT piece. These essays typically aren't really very true.

After 9 months I told my wife that I was not going to be in the same house at Christmas (several months away) w/my step-daughter and her 2 boys. It had been an awful experience.

My simple answer to all of the "but ..." questions was that it would be easier for me to find a new home than to make our current one work for me.

From then on my life was easier and the wife worked things out for her daughter/kids.

While I find the treatment of the mother deplorable, I don't think the boyfriend was insulting the mother when he called her "dog." Some people use dog as a really stupid alternative to "pal" or "buddy."

She writes further on that when she want away for a few days-

"The boyfriend, of course, had moved into the apartment the moment I left. The garbage, compost and recycling were overflowing, but the two of them had bought me flowers and filled the refrigerator with bottles of my favorite green tea. When I gave my daughter a teary hug, the boyfriend threw his arms around both of us. "

'Of course'? Of course? She expects and accepts them pulling crap behind her back, and will let it slide because they bought her flowers and tea. There is no change, no understanding on the daughter's part at all, if she let her boyfriend back in because her mother wasn't home, and they let garbage pile up. That daughter would not be allowed in my house for more than a visit (I wouldn't raise one to act like that in the first place though!).

I never said it was right. Quite frankly, if I hear anybody refer to anybody as "dog" I automatically question you their intelligence. I just don't think he meant to insult her with the nickname. I think it's insulting that he would be that disrespectful, but that's something else.

Yes, "dog" is a term for "pal," "buddy," "homie." I've never heard anyone address a woman that way. And I wouldn't, only because "dog" might mean friend, but calling a woman a "dog" means she's ugly. And "bitch" needs no explanation.

In any case, the term should only be directed to someone in your peer group. To direct it to someone who's old enough to be your parent seems weird.

Maybe some parents -- the kind who want to be their kids' buddies -- would like it, but I would feel weird addressing my parents that way.

Crella has a valid point. The author is accepting and expecting this kind of underhanded crap while she's gone.

Had my adult-aged child done this to me, they'd both be looking for a new place to live.

What still floors me even more than the "dog" address...though that made my jaw drop...was this kid telling her mother that her parking space in her garage is not hers. Say what? I would have picked up the daughter's laptop they were watching their movie on, tossed it out the window, and told the kid she had no right to be upset since "it's not your laptop." The gall of this pair is off the charts.

I also wonder how on earth this mother ever thinks that her daughter can form a stable, functional relationship. The mother set up a situation in which the kids didn't have to fight about who would unclog the shower drain, clean up the dishes, buy groceries, and how to pay the bills. They had all the perks of living together with none of the drawbacks.

Not sure how Princess could be anything but a nightmare of a wife.

Sidewalks get stepped on.

I also have a daughter that is a little manipulative.

Bad manners are not tolerated though, and when she gets to be more than I can handle, she is gome.

I can tell you how it happens though. As a parent, you find you can tolerate only so many pitched battles before your quality of life is destroyed.

When you have a strong willed child, who pushes the envelope on behavior, every day can become bunker hill. In order not to destroy your own peace of mind, you overlook small stuff, which unfortunately then balloons into big stuff, which you have to address.
This can happen with a spouse too. If you address every little problem as it comes up, you are a nag and a shrew, and if you dont draw the line somewhere, the little problems snowball into big ones.

My parents went to far in the authoritarian direction, and I know having a dog is loads easier than having a kid, but I see how authority rather than authoritarianism works: Being firm, consistent, and immediate with punishment and rewards.
_____________________________

The middle ground, according to Dr. John Rosemond, is "authoritative." (That's the ground he prefers.) The other extreme is "permissive," or, as he calls it, "wimpy."

However, for most of Rosemond's enemies (all of whom are disturbingly vague as to what they don't like about his books) the idea that kids should revolve around their parents, not the other way around, or that "wonderful relationships" (i.e., friendships based on equality) can wait until the kids have left home for good is somehow draconian/authoritarian.

Oh, and regarding "being firm, consistent, and immediate with punishment and rewards": Rosemond's said that while immediate punishments, when possible, are necessary for kids under 3, because of their short memories, once they're older than that, it's OK to delay a punishment, since often, it's impossible NOT to delay it.

With a toddler, it's like punishing a dog - even a few seconds later, the dog won't know what it's being punished for.

I skipped all the comments to write this. I understand bad parenting, but c'mon - the daughter and BF are assholes. I can't imagine having that little self-respect - all 3 of them.