Ha! I have a perfect one. I work from home, telecommuting online. One time the mother of a kid which my kid knew (and wasn't really that close of friends to) shows up on my doorstep wanting me to babysit her two kids for an indeterminate period of time so she could get some sort of social services counseling or something (I don't remember the exact details.) I managed to politely decline, but the way she just sort of assumed that I would want to do this sans remuneration was ballsy in the extreme. Plus her kid was the sort who was known throughout the neighborhood as a bully, including towards my kid. I was just stunned at the audacity of the request, I have to say.

For Talk like a Pirate day it should have been Pirates, just this once.

"Hey, can you be my DD tonight?"

This from a guy who has not once taken on DD duty himself, who insists on staying until bar close, and then insists on stopping at Whataburger on the way home. He knows that taking him home requires an hour for me round-trip (in the opposite direction of my own apartment) at an hour when I'd rather not be driving long distances.

Our city DOES have a late-night bus that stops within two blocks of his apartment, but then HE'D have to make an hour-long trip home.

I no longer drink much, so it's hard to say "no" -- especially because I worry that he might try to drive himself home drunk. But I started resenting his requests so much that I started saying it. Still, it makes me uncomfortable enough that I leave well before he does so that I'm not put in the awkward position of "abandoning" him at the end of the night.

Once an acquaintance of my wife's showed up, unannounced, from LA looking to have us put her up, and evidently assist her in investing in some real estate here, because houses are so cheap. (We aren't Detroit, yet, but there are reasons houses look cheap. Start with taxes, then factor in the heating bills...) Anyway, my desire to act as a landlord without compensation is lower than my chances of winning last night's lottery.

My wife made sure she didn't find out where we live. Her daughter thinks I'm rude. I didn't say anything, I just hung up the phone.

Because I work in theatre, it's assumed that I will just work for free. People assume I "do it for the love of my craft". Well...yeah... and for a vanity project, I'd certainly consider taking alower salary IF the rest of the circumstances were to my liking. But I got bills to pay too. You would also be surprised at how much I'm expected to just sing at peoples parties "because that's what I do." Well yes, that's what I do, but even Adelle gets paid to do what she does.

I am also always asked to "volunteer" my time and talent for other theatres fundraisers which are usually short play festivals or the like.
At first, I would do them because it meant some exposure and networking opportunities. And, because I truly believe in "community" in the arts, I didn't mind helping out another company. But now, my career is beyond that. I've busted my ass to get to that point. However, one Director has continually asked me to perform for free in these fundraisers but has yet to ever actualy CAST me in a show, come to see any of my companies shows, and certainly has not helped with my theatre company's fundraising efforts. So, last time they asked, I said no. They actually had the audacity to get mad at me. I was called ungrateful and hypocritical. Apparently, I was suppossed to feel honored by this "opportunitey" to spend MY gas money, provide my own costume, and spend what little free time I have outside of my job, running my own theatre company, and spending time wih my husband, cramming lines and driving back and forth to rehearsal. For free. I said "Yes. I am SO ungrateful for this opportunity to work for nothing. Tell you what. I'll do your festival if you do mine next summer." They went on and on about how busy they were and how far a drive it is and how they just didnt have the time with thier own season coming up and blah blah blah... I went "Yet, you expect it of me."
I dont think I'll be hearing from them anymore.

Although I've gotten a bit better at asserting myself, I'm still lousy about actually saying "no." Usually I just "refuse to hear" the request or respond to it.

A good example recently: sorry for the long story, but I enjoy reading about an autistic guy named Tony Bigcharles. He's a broke, homeless Vegas poker player who nevertheless is great at blogging his exploits (and begging for money), so he has a lot of fans online. Well, recently he was in Oceanside at a casino playing poker... but had to leave his bag of belongings in a nearby laundromat, because the casino wouldn't allow him to check his bag there.

I'm kinda sorta a fan of the guy-- and have tried to give him advice on how to stay safe, because he's often threatened to sleep outside so he can save money to gamble with-- but I *refuse* to give him any money or belongings. Anyway a week later, Tony asked me to call the Oceanside laundromat about his abandoned bag. I called and the manager said they'd throw it out if he didn't pick it up in 24 hours. So I gave Tony the info, and he (of course) begged me to pick it up for him... a 70-mile drive for me, one way (140 round trip).

Like I mentioned earlier, I refused to do it. I never actually said "no," I just refused to acknowledge his requests for it. Selective hearing, I've found, is a great life skill... but would I have liked to have had the courage to just say "no" to him? Sure.

Last year I tried (after 24 years of marriage) the dating scene again. The first woman I went out with insisted, on the first date after a nice dinner, that I meet her 2 best friends. What that really meant was "come out and pay for all our drinks".

The second woman I met called about an hour before our date and said she couldn't make it, but, by the way, do you own a truck? I have to be out of my house by Monday and I was wondering if you could help me move tomorrow and Sunday? At least I said a firm "no" to her.

My husband and I built a house with one of those detached garages, and there was a bay with an oversized door because we anticipated one day being able to afford an RV.
We had some neighbors we were friendly with. He had a really good job, but unfortunately took a transfer to Texas, and moved away.
After they moved, got a call from the wife asking me if I was willing to store their two snowmobiles in my garage, so they would not have to tow them a thousand miles to go snowmobiling. They were willing to pay of course. i said I would think about it and then said no. i didn't want either the hassle or the responsibility.
Two hours later I got a call from the husband demanding that I store the snowmobiles, and yelling at me when I still said no. Somehow just because they were willing to pay, I should be willing to be the caretaker for their recreational vehicles.

My husband's friend tried to get me to work for free for him on a couple his (many) poorly thought-out business ideas. I'm an editor, so I get lots of people wanting me to read their work or edit things for them. I was willing to do a little work for this guy because his cause seemed like a good one, even if I had doubts about whether it would ever make him any money, but he essentially wanted a 40-hour work week. I politely declined.

I got a lot of experience saying no to my sister, who has BPD and was constantly making outrageous demands. I'm sure she's still making outrageous demands, but the best way to deal them is to not speak with her anymore.

I have found, that the more money someone thinks that you have, the more outrageous the demands, they will make on you.
There are a lot of one way socialists out there, who think that anyone they perceive as better off than they are, automatically owes them whatever they want at the moment.

.

Just thought of another one:

After my father died, my half-sister wanted to rent his house. We were in a lawsuit with my half-brother but trying to sell the house, and I was executrix of the will. The house was in poor repair, and I didn't want the responsibility of being a landlord, especially since we would have had to begin the eviction process at a moment's notice to be able to sell.

She insisted she "knew a guy" who wanted to rent it -- apparently, a guy who was willing to rent a house with shoddy plumbing and electrical and structural problems, who was OK with being asked to leave possibly weeks after he moved in.

I said no, and she hammered on me to rent it for over a year. I'm so glad I refused. Once the lawsuit resolved, we sold the house within months and were done.

Monica- those people with BPD (borderline personality disorder) are the scariest people of all, because they can be so charming while destroying their victim. I had never heard of it until I experienced it firsthand.

Here's a hint to all: If you don't have the heart to say no or ask for money (maybe the other person is too poor and you know it), at least ask for a specific favor in return or ask what they're offering as a favor if you can't think of anything immediately. That way, they won't take you for granted so much.

Remember "Anne of the Thousand Days," in which Mary Boleyn (Anne's sister) is told by her father that she was a fool, regarding Henry VIII, because "you gave him everything and asked for nothing."

>> Remember "Anne of the Thousand Days

I saw that film as a child in a drive in theater with my (British) parents. It gave me nightmares for weeks.

The whole film is available on Netflix, BTW.

"No" is the second most important word in the English language, IMHO.

Here's a common scenerio:

-Can I borrow $20?
-No.
-Pleeeeease?
-Oh, now that you're whining like a three year old, do you really think I'll change my mind?

Gets old real quick.

JDJ (not to be confused with the other JD)

Right after college I got a good job at a software company, I wasn't rolling in dough but compared to my friends who were going on 6+ years of college and most were not working (living off student loans), it must have seemed like I had much more money than them.

We used to do movie nights where we'd rent a movie from Blockbuster (yes, it WAS a while ago!) and get dinner to-go. Soon enough I realized that while everyone chipped in on food, I was the ONLY ONE paying for the movie. $2-4 bucks a week isn't much until you realize you've paid weekly for the past 5 months.

Oddly enough movie night fell apart once I insisted that we all start paying on a rotating basis. Too many people were "sick" or "busy" on their night to pay....

I swear that everytime I get some extra money, whether it's from a tax refund, some extra overtime or an accident-related insurance payout, somebody somehow knows when to call me up and ask for it before I've figured out what to do with it. I now am more able to say no because the people who keep calling me up still owe me money and I can tell them they've never paid me back. I also don't let newcomers in on the deal. It's a lesson learned the hard way. I've also learned how to spend it faster.

This is a bit of a reversal. My in-laws are trying to downsize their lives to get back to a manageable amount of stuff. One of the storage spaces they have to deal with is a slip for a sunfish sailboat. They've had the boat since their sons were tiny and it was the source of much fun for many years.

Fast forward twenty years and it's been in a slip in a lake 45 minutes from them. No one has actually laid eyes on the boat in ten years. And she is trying like hell to give me and my husband the boat. I do not want a boat. We don't have a space to store it. We don't have a car that could carry it. We can't afford a slip for it, much less the numerous repairs it would no doubt need. Provided it's not on the bottom of the lake already of course.

Finally she (rather sulkily) said she would just put the boat in a storage unit then because it's a nice boat and we may want it someday.

I'm an editor, so I get lots of people wanting me to read their work or edit things for them.

Gah! Me too. I've learned to dread grad school/med school/law school/MBA application season. So many essays people want you to edit. So many people applying to top academic programs who cannot form a sentence to save their lives!

I usually say "yes" (So I can ask them for free medical/legal/business advice later ha!) But I learned that just as important as saying "no" is setting strict boundaries. You want me to edit your 100 essays for your MBA applications? Fine. I will require three full weeks to do so. If you want me to line-edit a final draft, I require one night per page to do so. Five pages of essays? I require five full week nights. If you send me something on Friday, no, I will NOT have it back to you Sunday night. I need my weekends, too, you know.

It forces people to value your time.

Well, not exactly the ability to say NO; but, it is along those lines. I have a couple of friends who for health reasons don't/can't drive. I really don't mind giving rides every now and then; and certainly have no problem saying NO if they ask when it really isn't a good time for me.

However, two of these friends (seperate friends who don't really know each other) both do the same thing and it drives me crazy. They will ask for a ride to X, I say no problem, and on the way they will say "while we're here can we also go to Y?" Sure, I say. Then it is "while we're here can we also stop by Z?" Before you know it a short drive for one errand has turned into a couple of hours running several errands.

I wouldn't mind if either one asked up front can we do X, Y, and Z today. It is the "sneaky" way of asking me to give a ride for several errands when they initially only asked for one that bothers me.

It has reached the point with one friend that I am simply no longer available to give any rides.

heh, I'm a former Photographer and current IT guy, can you just IMAGINE? :devil:

but that isn't the worst... after getting ex-d... my ex still has the house, with all sort of things that I either custom built or repaired inside. originally, tightening a bolt, or putting something back up that's fallen down, like the blinds that my kids pulled down is no big deal... Keeps the peace, and such.

But, a "Thank You"? Perish the thought... so eventually, when I say, yup, not going to fix your sprinklers this time... my son gets involved, because the ex- asks my son to fix something [starting at around 13], and then of course he asks me for help, 'cuz, what does he know?

Kinda insidious, no? How'm I to say no to the kid, when I could probably teach him stuff in the process? Fixing my house that I had to give away.

Now that the kid is older, and she kicked him out to my house too... magically she's figured out how to call a contractor, oh and? Figured out how much money is to be saved by doing for yourself.

It's amazing how well she knows how to ask for the unreasonable thing in a reasonable way.

And THAT is what this is all about, no? If you can make the mark feel bad for saying no, they will often say yes.

That's just perfect. Who the hell put "Talk Like a Pirate Day" on my birthday?

Just cut loose and release your inner pirate, Patrick. Happy birthday, arrrrrrrgh!

After being a doormat for so long, saying no becomes easy. Your problems are not my obligation.

The most common one for me (and everyone else I know with tech leanings) is people asking for free help to fix their computers. At $75+ per hour, I can understand why but the fact that they seem to have no problem asking one of us to give 4 or 8 or more hours of our time to them for often no reciprocation is quite astounding. And then come the 24/7 tech support calls afterwards. I've lost some friends when I finally said 'No'!

Meaning no disrespect to you as a person, Robert, but these people were never your friends in the first place if their willingness to befriend you depended upon your willingness to fix their computers.

I tend to agree with you, Patrick. But in many cases I think things just got out of control.

Here's another example: I've added assorted people as friends on Skype. I knew every single one of them but each was a different level/type of friend. One woman, who moved to Northern Australia, decided that she would call me at anytime that was convenient to her. This usually meant 8am my time. She'd then want to talk for 3 hours. When she tried doing this twice in one week, I stopped answering and told her we'd need to schedule an appointment. She refused and we've never talked in Skype again.

So, our in-laws come for the weekend regularly, and I've decided for the sake of peace to just accept I'll be hosting them 2 or 3 nights every month or two.

One time they decided to bring some posh friends of theirs, the wife of whom is one of my husband's godmothers. They wanted to show off the fact that their son, my husband, has a nice house and is married and has a kid (lots of single, childless people in Switzerland).

So, we have enough beds in the house, but not necessarily great for the elderly... there's a double bed in the guest room, but my in-laws prefer separate beds, so we usually make up the sofa bed in my husband's office. But two people COULD sleep in the guest bed. There's also a garret with a twin bed in it, but it isn't a very elegant room. However, when the whether is warm, as it was when these people came, it's perfectly comfortable, just not the prettiest room. So in theory everyone could sleep in the house.

But his parents decided that it would be too crowded, and that we needed to rent a hotel room to put up this other couple, and oh btw my husband and I had to pay for it. (In their culture, if you invite people to join you somewhere you pay for everything. This makes weddings ridiculously expensive). She has this convo with my husband, unfortunately, instead of me and he agrees to these terms.

So I accept the terms and ask if they'd rather have a cheap hotel near us, or a fancy hotel in town 1/2 hour away. I'm told it's better to get a local place that's 5-10 minutes away, so book a room for 2 nights at $100 a night.

I wash the place top to bottom and go nuts in the garden so it's show-off ready, and prepare a multi course meal with an apero.

Well, they end up being a bit late because my FIL stopped to let them out at a tourist spot, but didn't realize they weren't out, and started driving again, knocking posh godmother onto the ground and hurting her back.

They arrive in a foul mood, but dinner goes well. Then my husband drives them to the hotel.

Apparently they hated the hotel and were furious that my in-laws stayed with us in the nice house when they had to be in a cheap local auberge. So they leave early, but we still have to pay for the two nights.

Needless to say, they haven't spoken to my in-laws since. And to be fair, my in-laws did NOT react well to the accident, trying to claim it wasn't FILs fault which it clearly was.

Anyhow. I think it's obnoxious to expect a young couple starting out to pay for your hotel, and given that we DID pay for their hotel, it's obnoxious to be mad that it wasn't a five-star.

My in-laws are still welcome, and any of their friends are welcome, but if the friends want to visit they should do so because they want to have a relationship with -us- and come separately.

On the plus side, posh godmother DID say it was the best dessert she'd ever eaten. It was a sundae... homemade, fresh-baked CC cookie with cookie dough Ben and Jerry's, artisinal caramel sauce, and whipped cream. She was not wrong, it was damn good. Though not a dessert for Amy.

Boyfriend's sister, locked into a death match with her husband's awful extended family and apparently unable to say no to them or set any boundaries, tried to obligate me into hosting them in their dozens at Thanksgiving by dressing it up as some 'I welcome you into my family even though you two aren't married and are only dating' speech.

How nice. Apparently being welcomed into her family means relieving her self-imposed misery and shouldering her hosting duties.

Your brother is currently unemployed and is borrowing from me to pay his mortgage, I told her. We cannot possibly feed 30 people at a formal dinner.
Pot luck! was her answer.

His house is small and cramped, unsuitable for hosting that size of gathering, I countered.
Oh but she had thought it through! Run a table here for the adults, another there for the kids, move this and that!

He is a slob and fighting hoarding tendencies, I reminded her. The house would be filthy.
But, but, last time we came over, everything was so nice!

That's because it was me who cleaned up prior to that dinner. I got absolutely no help from him and consequently I'm never doing it again. I work graveyard shift and have my own family; there is no way I'm burning vacation leave and going without sleep and cleaning someone else's house and spending hundreds of my dollars to entertain my boyfriend's sister's husband's brother's wife's parents.

She didn't say much at the time, but later I heard she was bitching about how I'd made it clear I wasn't prepared to do ANYTHING for their family.

After having been welcomed in so nicely, too.

Julie... you're cleaning up after a hoarder and paying his mortgage?!!! Hosting a dinner is the least of your worries.

When my older pair was younger, I was a member of the local moms of multiples group. I spent a year on the board as secretary, a year as VP, then the next year the then-president wanted me to take over her position at the next election. I said no. She did the "but if You don't I'll have to blah blah blah" line. I finally caved that night, as she and I were friends. After a few days thinking it over, I emailed the entire board saying after further thought I was not going to be able to run for president after all. I assumed that was the end of it, until I got the newsletter, which had my face and bio next to the "running for president" tagline. When I inquired as to how this had happened, I was told "Oh, I didn't think you meant that. You're very stream of consciousness". Excuse me?

I was unopposed, so I got the position. I showed up for exactly one meeting, to inform them I was not going to be acting as president. That's when I learned to make my No's immediate and unequivocal. I've gotten very good at it.

She and I are no longer friends, either.

It took me a long time to learn to say 'no' and mean it. I used to cave so easily!

Now, people know not to ask me. And one lesson that I learned really well is, if you meet someone, and they ask to borrow $20, and you give it to them, and never see them again, it was probably worth it.

And I got rid of those pesky people who call from the American Cancer Society, you know the ones? they start of by saying "we thank you for your past donations..." by telling them "I'd love to help out but I'm over my budget for charitable giving this year. Perhaps next year." And I hang up. Haven't got a call back in months!

Here's a classic: You own a truck and everyone expects you to use it to help them move.

On a similar tack: Friends who expect you to help them move and think that paying you with pizza and beer always justifies it.

Granted, I'm often willing to help friends move, I just don't like being expected to.

Mark N: "Here's a classic: You own a truck and everyone expects you to use it to help them move."

Amen! a friend who owns a truck and I agreed to help another friend move.

First, moving friend had not even packed when we arrived and was expecting us to help him pack! Both of us said that we expected to only be moving big stuff - like furniture or packed boxes. So we only moved the big stuff; leaving all the little shit laying around his place.

Second, Was he pissed because we didn't pack for him? Not only did he not offer to pay for truck friend's gas; he didn't even offer pizza or beer when we were done! Truck friend and I stopped for burgers at 10:00 pm later withOUT moving friend.

Lastly, neither of us have been over to moving friend's place since he moved - and that was over a year ago.

So, Amy, be sure to add to your book (I'm sure you've thought of this already) that some "friendships" are only "do me a favour" deep.

I'll help my friends move for pizza.

There's a certain sub-species of ballroom dancer who insists on criticizing or "helping" their partner... while they are dancing! Among ballroom dancers it's considered to be one of the rudest things a person can do. Yet it persists.

Tools.

Man is not the premier tool-using animal. Man is the premier tool-borrowing animal.

mrs llamas and me have some pretty cool tools and equipment between us. Hers tend more towards cooking and sewing, but she's a service tech part-time, so she has a full set of Makitas and all the other hand tools a body needs in the back of her car. Mine tend more tewards welders and chainsaws. And of course the farm has tractors and wagons and all sorts of other useful kit.

Not only do people expect to be able to borrow tools and equipment at all hours, but they also seem to expect specialty skills for free and on-demand. 'Can you weld my (enter broken thing here) back together? I'll bring it right over, if I can borrow your trailer!'

And mrs llamas can't get enough of hearing 'Oh! You service (a popular power product)? Really? A girl servicing those, how cool! You know, we have one of those, we'd love you to come by and do the annual maintenance on ours!'

Yeah, I bet you would. A service tech is $110/hour. Call the office and set up an appointment. It's kind-of understandable that people would ask me to give away specialty skills for free, because a lot of that is more of a hobby, or skills incidental to our lifestyle. But her skills are her livelihood.

llater,

llamas

"No thanks" seems easier than just "Thanks" for untoward requests because it seems to throw people off a beat.

"Can you spare a dollar?"

"No thanks."

*****"No thanks" seems easier than just "No."

My top two have been covered by other comments:

1) Will you edit my [whatever] paper?

2) Will you watch my kid (or do another favor that requires your attention) since you work from home?

"How nice. Apparently being welcomed into her family means relieving her self-imposed misery and shouldering her hosting duties. ..."

I'm piggybacking on Julie's response here because it so clearly illustrates why you should just say "No" and not "No, because....." ESPECIALLY when dealing with a known user. If you give them a reason then they can argue against it. As Julie's example shows.

Let them bounce of the wall of "I simply can't do that," and "That won't be possible," or simply "No." Don't give them a crack to work at because then they won't leave you alone.

This is second hand, but when my cousin's kids were at the awkward age, they lived in Las Vegas during the boom years. They were building at least five new schools every year, and running year round classes with staggered vacations to keep up with the demand. The school boundaries kept changing andyou never knew from ine year to the next which school your kids were going to be going to, andof course, when they were a couple of years apart, your own children did not necessarily go to the same school every year either.
This is a difficult situation for single parents, or parents where both parents work.
My cousin got really tired of being expected to provide an on demand car pool to ferry the neighbor's kids, not only to school, but also to sports practice, and extra curricular stuff, because there never was any reciprocity.

it was "you should do this, because you are a stay at home mom, whose husband has a good job, and I don't have the time or the money because I am a single mom, who has to work"
As sorry as you feel for the kids, picking up the slack for the parents poor choices, is not something these people should expect.