I went with my best friend and his wife when he had spinal surgery after his car accident. It was actually an outpatient procedure, but still a little risky. I was at the clinic before he was, at 5:30 AM, and stayed with his wife all day long, well until after dinner time. His wife is a little useless in emergency situations and has a way of creating anxiety so he definitely needed someone there to keep him focused and her calm. I also stayed with them and took shifts with his wife in the following days to make sure he was healing properly. We never even talked about it; I just showed up. My job as thier friend was to be there for them no matter how much it inconvenienced me. To me, it was a no-brainer.

On the other hand though, not everyone deserves your visit. I have members of my DNA (I won't call them family because that implies I care about them) whose funerals I won't be attending. They are horrible, toxic people and frankly, they don't deserve that consideration from me, even in death. I will simply let thier passing go by unnoticed and leave the greiving to people who might have actually cared about them.*

*I know that even toxic people have SOMEONE who cares about them and they don't deserve to have to deal with a person at the funeral who really doens't want to be there.

My rule on funerals is simple: if you ain't comin' to mine, I ain't goin' to yours.

Seriously, folks need to be reminded of this??

Oh, wait, this is on NPR - the liberal's favorite media - yup, they do need to be reminded of "doing the right thing."

My rule is - if you have to ask yourself whether or not you should go the the funeral (or visitation) then you should go.

My pet peeve at these things is inappropriate attire. Full mourning is probably a bit much anymore, but somber and respectful attire, including shined shoes, collar-and-tie ASF, is required. You're there to show your respect to the relatives left behind, and it's more than just the condolences you express, it's how you present yourself when doing so.

Regarding the funerals of horrid, toxic people - again, you're not going for the person who's dead, you're showing your respect to the people left behind. I went to the funeral of my first mother-in-law, a horrible woman who made the lives of many around her a misery, because I love and respect her other children and her second husband, and I was there for them, not for her. I understand the urge to express your loathing for a horrible person by showing you don't care about their passing, but they're gone, they'll never see your response. Those left behind, however, will. If you hate them too, then fine, but I think it's wrong to project your feelings for the departed onto their relatives.

llater,

llamas

My rule on funerals is simple: if you ain't comin' to mine, I ain't goin' to yours.

I can't even use this rule because there are people who would come to mine for the sole purpose of garnering attention for themselves or to cause a scene. I think I'll request that whoever is planning my funeral that the "guest list" is by invite only.

I make this decision on the basis of the people who are left, not the one who died. My grandfather was an awful man, but I wasn't letting my mother bury him alone.

"*I know that even toxic people have SOMEONE who cares about them and they don't deserve to have to deal with a person at the funeral who really doens't want to be there."

This is dramatic horse shit. If you care about those he left behind, you go and just support them silently. They should have nothing to "deal with," because you don't use the opportunity to passive-aggressively convey your disdain for the deceased, unless you have terrible impulse control problems.

Seriously, folks need to be reminded of this??

Oh, wait, this is on NPR - the liberal's favorite media - yup, they do need to be reminded of "doing the right thing."

It isn't the NPR types who fall down in the face of death and serious illness. My mother left her church after she had breast cancer because she was dismayed at how she received almost no support from fellow parishioners during her illness despite having an active congregant for two decades. She got more support (casseroles, phone calls, prayer circles) from a church she didn't attend because a friend there set it up.

Yeah this is me. My excuse is, but I didn't know the person that well... Especially for hospital visits. The last time I visited someone, he and his wife acted so surprised I felt I'd been overly familiar or presumptuous or something.

But funerals are a no-brainer. My parent did not believe in attending, because they're "depressing" and the deceased doesn't care anyway. But even when I was a kid I knew that was wrongheaded.

NPR types need to be reminding that saving the world, or implementing social justice, requires small actions with cupsor tea, not big gestures with banners and headlines.

Goddamned NPR liberals not going to funerals.

Fuckers have ruined them for all the decent funeral-going folks.

And that's not just knee-jerk hyperbolic divisive hate-the-other irrational reactionary bullshit, neither.

Relevant for the blog and Veterans Day.

http://bigstory.ap.org/article/100s-attend-funeral-world-war-ii-veteran

Hundreds have attended the funeral of a 99-year-old former World War II airman who died without family after a nursing home appealed for strangers to give him a send-off.

I think many people find it challenging to make the small efforts over time. Truthfully, those make a difference in the lives of people and we should consciously decide to do more of it. I know I should.

I hate funerals. The imagery is wrong. It suggests finality, that the person is "gone for good." I never thought of death to be that way. I just figured people come and people go into our lives. I'll catch up later.

When my father died, we had to extend the visitation an extra hour because there were so many people who showed up and we couldn't close the door in their faces. The line inside the funeral home zig-zagged through the building and around the entire outside. People waited in line for at least an hour. My dad wasn't anyone important in the community, but apparently he touched so many lives they all wanted to tell us how much he meant to them. Ditto ten years later at my mother's funeral. After dad died she volunteered her time at a couple of organizations. Not only did the other volunteers come to her visitation, so did nearly all of their paid staff of nearly every organization. I don't care how "toxic" you think someone is or was. Grow up and be a better human being and show your face at their visitation/funeral. Unless you are a "toxic" person, too, you will be surprised how much better you feel about yourself when you do.

A few years ago, the daughter of a couple who we are friends with was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. I went to see her in the hospital when she was first diagnosed. She was hanging out there with her mom and sister, and they were chatting about girlie stuff and I felt kind of out of place. I stayed for a while, but didn't have much to contribute to the conversation, and eventually I excused myself. When I left, I wondered if anyone of the would even remember being there.

Fast forward six months. Treatment has been ineffective and the cancer has advanced to stage 4. The daughter is back in the hospital on a Friday. I've got plans for Friday night, and it's going to be inconvenient, but I tell myself I'm going to see her after I get off work, since they aren't sure how much time she has left. I almost decided to put it off, but after work I sort of went on auto-pilot and my arms and legs drove to the hospital without me really thinking about it.

The poor girl is grotesquely swollen from kidney failure. Although she can barely talk, you can tell she's miserable. Lots of family and friends there, and they are only letting so many people in the room at a time, so I had to wait an hour. I finally went in and said hi to her and tried to make a bit of conversation, which didn't work well, so I took to walking around the room looking at her paintings and admiring them out loud. Then she gets her mom over there and whispers something to her that I can't hear.

She wants to dance with me. She knew I was a dancer, and I was vaguely aware that she had done some dancing since she had been living away, but I didn't see how it was possible. They help her to sit up on the edge of the bed. I took her hands, and... she stood up on her feet. What shall we do? She wants to do West Coast Swing! Well, all righty then. There's no music available so I just start counting rhythm and... we dance. And she really does it. We do sugar pushes, passes, some half whips and a few hammer lock spins. And she really does them well. For a few minutes, she's no longer suffering from terminal cancer. She's a dancer, and she has chosen me as her partner.

After about ten minutes of this, her breathing has become labored, so I take her back to the bed and she lays down. It's time for me to go, so I say goodbye to her and promise I will come back over the weekend and we'll dance again. However, I didn't get that chance. A few hours after I left, she lapsed into unconsciousness, and died the next morning.

For something that I originally thought would be an uncomfortable inconvenience, it instead wound up being one of my most cherished memories. She chose me for her last dance.

When my second husband passed away 10 years ago, there wasn't a funeral. He wasn't religious so there wasn't a church service. There was a party and it was a kick-ass party. There was a poem written by my oldest daughter, a couple of large collages of pictures of him throughout his life, blenders full of margaritas, food and Jimmy Buffett music (he was a Parrothead). That's what he would have wanted. His friends and my family came (oddly enough his mother, sister or children didn't show up)and we celebrated his life. There were stories that were shared, there was laughter, and there were some tears. Mostly, it was a lot of people enjoying the day and reminiscing about a man that we all loved. As hard as it was to put that together, looking around and seeing the people that were part of our lives is something that I will never forget.

I'm not a fan of funerals, can't stand them, it freaks me out seeing a body laying in a casket. But I realize that going to the funerals is less about the person being eulogized, and more about supporting the loved ones left behind. I know how much I appreciated the support when my husband passed, and I want to "pay it forward" so to speak.

Bah, now I feel even worse. A friend had a 40th bday thing at a wine bar sat night. I had an awful Saturday-worst cramps I've ever had, and that's saying a lot. The sort of bad mood where I literally wanted to rip someone apart. I didn't go to her party. I didn't want to go and be unpleasant, and sat was one of the few times in my life I didn't think I could slap a smile over it.

But, I did go when she was in the hospital, and took my standard bag of fluffy-reading-and-snacks for the hospitalized. Please tell me that evens out!

Amy, my beautiful older sis died two and a half years ago of ovarian cancer, so the story by Cousin Dave touched my heart as well. I wanted to mention she was the person who turned me on to your blog, & she in her hipster Zen super cool high octane brilliance was the cats' meow of connoisseurs re: all things amazing & progressive online & elsewhere; so, in my humble opinion, you should be honored by her endorsement. When she died our family was devastated to inertia. There was no funeral, because none of us was fully functional in our crippling heartbreak, so loved was she. For the first year all we could do was cry a river over losing her, each in the quiet of our own homes. ("Private Services") When all of us came back to life following our period of grieving, we got together - better late than never - to fulfill her last wishes. We planted a garden in her memory, upon which her ashes were scattered. She wanted her body to live on through the flowers & trees, which it does to this day. There are many ways to say Goodbye to those who pass before us.

On the other hand though, not everyone deserves your visit. I have members of my DNA (I won't call them family because that implies I care about them) whose funerals I won't be attending. -- Sabrina at November 11, 2013 7:13 AM

Luckily, or unfortunately, the way the DNA structure for me growing up was that I didn't really interact with most of the extended except Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter. Now that I'm older and I live about a 10 hour drive from the area I pretty much haven't seen most of them for years. I get second hand accounts that someone is ill/died usually too late.

But there are some of them, that if I hear that they have left this world, I am going to do my best to attend the burial if not the services. I want to see that they are six feet under.

The best thing to say is just "I'm sorry for your loss," and then shut up.

But some other phrases to keep in mind:

• I can't say how much I will miss him.
• He holds a special place in my heart.
• He was such a unique person.
• I can't think of anyone that could really replace him.
• His soul is in the best place possible. (For religious.)
• He will never be forgotten by me (anyone.)

Cousin Dave, you are a true gentleman!

Thanks, everyone. It was a special moment for me, and yes, it taught me the lesson to always show up, because you never know. iamaneagle, I sympathize with you and your family. We all know that funerals aren't for the dead; they are for the living, and the living should choose whatever works for them, so I'm glad you and your family found what worked for you. Although when I go, I kind of hope that my relatives will throw a New Orleans jazz funeral.

I have another memory of someone that I missed my last chance with. I can't say too much because it would give away the game, but he came by my place of work one day to chat. As it happened, just as he arrived, I got an urgent task I had to take care of, and he was not able to stay until I finished it. I never saw him alive again; a few days later he died in a terrible accident.

I agree that if you are close to someone who is dying, it is more important to be at the hospital, than at the funeral, if the person is up for the visit.

If you are close to someone, who loses a loved one, than it is important to be at the funeral, or the memorial service.

I missed one, that I should have gone to, but where I live the distances sometimes make it a challenge.

And if you do miss it, sending a card, means a lot.

With the extremely elderly it is difficult, because they have outlived almost all their friends.

Heh. Late to the party on this one, but then again, I've been told I'll be late for my own funeral.

I don't like 'em, never did. But I always go, because, yeah, that's what you're supposed to do.
My parents recently moved to Florida (well, in March) and one of mom's friends lost her husband last month. She didn't have the means to come up here, so I told her, don't sweat it, I'll go, just send a card or something. So I went. It wasn't a real funeral, as such, just a memorial service, but I went, signed the book (and put my mom's name next to mine, with "in absentia" in parentheses), sat for the service, and ate a little something at the luncheon afterwards. Went through the reception line, met the family, cried with the widow, who hugged me like there was no tomorrow and thanked me for coming. Which, of course, made it worth it. Called my mom later and told her about it, she got to cry and then, well, move on. As we all are wont to do.

Insufficient Poison,

I am not close with any of the offspring of the toxic family members. Everyone in that clan is a drama-loving, selfish, attention whore. My abscence would not even be noticed but my presence certainly would and they would most certainly make an issue of it. No matter how gracious I was being, my mere presence would provoke them into starting a conflict. Regardless of the fact that THEY would likely be the ones to provoke it, I would be the one that ended up looking like the bad guy. There's no way it would end well. As much as I despise this side of the family, they are still loved by thier own and I still feel that even they deserve to be able to grieve. So, to avoid a scene, I'd rather just avoid it at all costs. It's better for everyone.

I didn't go to my grandmothers funeral (on my dads side) for this reason a few years back. I wasn't close to her anyway and I despise my Aunt who was planning the funeral. This is the same Aunt who, when I found out my father was electrocuted and in a coma, called me to berate me for "not keeping in touch all these years" while I was in the middle of making travel plans to get to the hospital out of state. Her and I hadn't spoken for over ten years prior to that. I had to have her physically removed from my fathers hospital and blocked from all information from the Nurses for trying to change his treatment without our consent. This is also the same Aunt who outed my brother and it ended up costing him his navy career. We haven't spoken since. Her two daughters (my cousins) are on the same kind of path. But, they had a good relationship with my Grandmother and I didn't. This woman and I cannot even be in the same state without her provoking a fight so it seemed best that I didn't go. Like I said, as much as I dislike them, I felt even they deserved to grieve in peace.

My best friend's mom just died, and the funeral is Friday. Even though I'm going through a reorganization at work, even though I just came back from time off due to an injury, even though my husband's mom died two months ago and I fear I might be over-emotional an another funeral so soon, she is my best friend and she just lost her mom. I'm going to the funeral.

I go to all of my hospice patient's funerals if they extend the invitation. The families usually hold it together pretty well, until I get there. Something about seeing me one last time triggers a flashback, they have a good hard cry, and then they let their loved one go.

Then I go home and get pretty drunk, because for a short time, these people are family.

I wish more of them would throw parties/ celebrations, but this area has a pretty heavily Lutheran Norwegian/ Swedish demographic, and they just can't bring themselves to let loose as such.