If my significant other did that and confessed to me, I would be concerned that she would have it in her head that I would get back at her by doing the same thing with someone else and she would give me the third degree every time I went out. She would make me suffer for her behavior. So, I could personally deal with not ever knowing.

No, I can't see why I'd want to know about it.

It isn't cheating. Before the world went stark raving mad, about any kind of public display of affection being taboo, people used to kiss each other all the time.

If I were the letter writer, I would chalk this one up to "alcohol lowers my inhibitions", and let it go. Airing this will do more damage, than any good that could possibly come of it.

Isab, I believe this was an extended kiss with quite a bit of tongue.

And thanks for your replies -- and please keep 'em coming.

No. Please don't tell me. I don't want to be second-guessing you every time you leave me, and I don't want to be second-guessing myself about whether I should even be with you. Why complicate things? If you're not gonna do it again, good. Nothing more to see here. Move along.

OTOH, if you want to tell me to assuage your guilt, still don't tell me. Tell your best friend. But DON'T tell them and then tell them to tell me. And don't tell any of MY friends. Because they damn well WILL tell me.

(I hate that shit.)

Isab, I believe this was an extended kiss with quite a bit of tongue.

And thanks for your replies -- and please keep 'em coming.

Posted by: Amy Alkon at February 13, 2014 4:44 PM

So, very European. No herpes outbreak afterwards?

Shut up.

I would not want to know, nor would I tell if I were the miscreant. I adore my husband, and he adores me, but no, I don't want to know.

(S)He was drunk and made a mistake. No truly carnal knowledge was exchanged. I would advise the person to keep the mouth shut and it is a lesson learned.

If (s)he is thinking (s)he should confess for no good reason -- especially in a LTR situation -- then that is a point to look at the LTR. Does (s)he want out? Would this confession help it? Why? Why not?

Is (s)he looking to get out? And this would make the SO do the work of the breakup?

I've been through this, and worse.

If the guilt will eat at you and erode our bond, tell me so that we can work through it, or not. Someone has to fuck up first, somehow. Or maybe that was just my 20s.

If I call you out on skulking around guilty or being distant, definitely come clean - rip off the bandaid. Because gas lighting is awful.

It's a kiss, it's intimate, it's an opening you could have fallen through, and it presents risks for disease. It's shorty to find out from someone else, but it's not the end of the world.

If however you've had sex with the ex I'm still in love with, do not tell me right after we've had sex and before I get out of bed. Do not tell me until the semester is over and one of us can move out.

No.

On the one hand, I wouldn't want to know. On the other hand, were it kept a secret and discovered at a later time, that would probably be worse.

I can't imagine my BF erring in this manner, but if he did, he wouldn't be the man I know and respect if he didn't tell me. I suppose I would need time and guidance to navigate hurt feelings, re-establishment of trust, etc. And chocolate. And maybe a puppy.

It's *shitty* to find out from someone else, but it's not the end of the world.

~~~

"Is (s)he looking to get out? And this would make the SO do the work of the breakup?"

Posted by: Jim P. at February 13, 2014 6:17 PM

First girlfriend, I came home early and found another woman in our bed. Well, in the shower. The other woman was the only part of our break up that was clean.

First girlfriend, I came home early and found another woman in our bed. Well, in the shower. The other woman was the only part of our break up that was clean. -- Michelle at February 13, 2014 7:08 PM

That's the point.

Why did the ex do something that she probably knew she would get caught at? Like (s)he admitting a relative minor discretion error?

Is the "bad" partner creating a situation where the other person wants to break up? So the "bad" partner can say "Yeah they knew I kissed someone, but that wasn't the real reason for the breakup."

No. I don't need to know, and I don't want to know.

Depends on a couple of things:
If I am reasonably likely to find out otherwise then yes. Especially if others in my social group are likely going to know.

Otherwise:
Light peck - definitely not.
real kiss - no
kissing with a bit of tongue -- probably not.
extended make out session -- probably and it is probably going to be treated like a drunk hook up.

Now that I think about it, who might matter to me also. I was thinking of a stranger before.

I really don't know if say it was an ex... I mean if it just a reflex thing then I probably don't want to know. If it is a sorta thought about think than I more likely want to know....not really sure...

Yes tell me. I want to know. Depending on where I'm at in the relationship I might want to re-evaluate my position.

Jim, that occasion was orchestrated to provoke the violent jealousy she had cultivated in her previous relationships, even at the risk of a breakup. I gave her a peaceful break up and shortly thereafter she created the violence with the other woman.

In my next/ current relationship, coming clean (regarding whatever) has been in the service of cleaning things up to become closer and stronger as individuals who value integrity and being trustworthy (however flawed) and partners no third party can fuck with.

I would want to know, for several reasons: (a)As Matt says, the information reveals something important about my partner and might affect my willingness to remain in the relationship. (b) Keeping secrets is a barrier to intimacy. (c) In line with Mel's comment, finding out later, maybe from another person, would intensify the problem. There would be 2 betrayals - the kissing incident and the secrecy. I would ask, if the kissing incident is no big deal, why the secrecy? I would conclude that secrecy = big deal. (d) If the incident is revealed and we decide that we want the relationship to continue, we can work together to take precautions to prevent a recurrence.

My boyfriend and I actually have discussed this. We decided that if it was a one-time mistake, we don't want to know.

But if we find ourselves wanting to make out with this other person again, we need to fess up and re-evaluate our own relationship.

I wouldn't want to know, and I wouldn't want to find out. I have never (and would never) be in a relationship where making out with other people was acceptable.

would you still want to know?

No.

Knowing doesn't do me any good. But confessing one's sins will make the penitent feel better, but at my expense, and at the expense of the relationship. Because my trust has been chipped away at, and I will start looking at otherwise innocent things as maybe not so innocent.

Trust is easy to piss away, but difficult to regain. So do your relationship a favor, and suffer your guilt in quiet. It will remain a reminder to refrain from behaviour that might cause you to slip up.

OTOH, if you want to tell me to assuage your guilt, still don't tell me. Tell your best friend.

No, no, no, and hell no.

If the penitent feels the need to confess, they have options. They can go to a shrink and confess on the couch, but that costs money. Or they can walk into any Catholic church when they have Confession going on and they can confess their error there. That costs nothing.

The advantage to either of those options is that a) the penitent gets it off their chest, b) may get something to thing about going forward, c) the person they've confessed to will not bring up what was told in confidence, unlike their best friend who has sworn no such oath and may blab about it. Accidentally or otherwise.

Rule 4: "The best way to keep a secret? Keep it to yourself. Second best? Tell one other person - if you must. There is no third best."

I R A, how do you trust someone once you've let it be known that you prefer not to find out if s/he has betrayed your trust?

Is this valuing secrecy or misrepresentation to truth?

I agree with Michelle and DrPinWV.

I believe my honey would be eaten up by guilt, if something like that happened (although I doubt it would happen). Which is part of why I find him so attractive.

Secrecy and guilt eat away at you and at relationships. I'd rather know, and work it out from there, and figure out how to fix whatever was going on, together as a team.

The make-out session, while not great, is much less of a concern than the secrecy.

I liked Michelle's comment:

Someone has to fuck up first, somehow. Or maybe that was just my 20s.

I believe this was an extended kiss with quite a bit of tongue.

Well, before we all became so prissy and puritanical, people used to give each other extended kisses with quite a bit of tongue all the time.

would you still want to know

If the somebody was a man, no.

It the somebody was another woman, definitely.

I'e got three relationship rules that are sacrosanct

1. DV you hit me in anger and you have two choice, a, we are done. B, you promise never to do it again with the understanding that if you do do it again then I'm hitting back and then we are done regardless of what you say

2. Once we decide to be exclusive dont cheat on me.

3. Dont lie to me, I'm not talking about tehe small stuff like saying it was 'no one' on the phone when you dont want to talk about it, I prefer you just to say you dont want to talk about it. But dont lie to me on the big things