Because of the tensions and jealousies that arise and the awkwardness in the group dynamic.

Probably originates from the suspicion that if you are dating someone's ex, something could have been going on before the divorce.

Not always true, I know, but people are always looking for reasons, and dating a friend's x raises eyebrows.

What if you just date his current wife? ;-)

"(A violation of Bro Code -- which says you just don't date a buddy's ex.)"

I guess my friends aren't bros, because that happens all the time in my social group.

Well, relatively.

I'd say it depends on why and how they broke up.

Was he cheating? Was she?

I'm with NicoleK.

The Bro Code says you can date a friend's ex IF HE AGREES.

I did it, felt like I was doing something wrong.
What NicoleK said. She would start down the bitching about our exes path -as all exes do- and I'd be like, "whoa hold the phone, that's my friend you're talking about." Then he would be going on about what a great single dad he is relative to his ex wife and I'd want to cough into my hand and mutter "bullshit."

You don't want to know too much about your friends.

That's not bro code. You can find pictorial examples of the bro code. (not for the squeamish, the faint of heart, or anyone who'd get a case of the vapors because of scantily clad women folk)

Now, Man Code says you shouldn't date your friends ex, at least for a while. I think the statute of limitations is on the order of 6 months. And if you can't do that, you need to at least tell him.

Otherwise, it might look like a knife in the back, or worse, that you purposely broke them up.

For instance, a friend of mine broke up with his lady at the end of April. Now, this woman is someone I've had my eye on, well, ever since I first met her. But the timing was always wrong. So I waited...6 months, and a bit more. Found out that they're dating again. Man Law comes thru again.

I play an observational game called "First to Nail the Bereaved". I've lived a long life, hung out with musicians for most of it and have seen too many premature deaths.

I keep the sorrow at bay by closely observing the jostling to get close to the widow/widower and offering some intimate comfort. Not offering a relationship, just to bang their brains loose for a week or two. These offers are accepted more often than not, and the amount of fallout is directly related to the amount of discretion used.

I think it has something to do with affirming life in midst of death and have come to consider it normal human behavior. But when/if the word gets out, it can be catastrophic.

I think the ones around severing relationships in a divorce are bad. Like the family shunning the ex-spouse, even if the relationship with the ex-spouse was healthy and warm during the marriage.

Or that the ex-spouse and the new love interest have to be at odds. Very rarely do you see a situation where an ex-wife and current wife cooperate on child issues. (Just an example, not picking on women over men.)

I think those codes are harmful for children.

A favored tactic of the newly-divorced wife.

"See? I broke your heart, took your house, took your children, took your money, and now I'm fucking your friends."

Yeah, no baggage there. Jump on in!

I dated my roommate's ex-boyfriend and man, did she go off! and kicked me out..I was only 21 and thought she meant it when she said she was through with him, never wanted to see him again.

Learned my lesson, I did.

"... and now I'm fucking your friends."

Posted by: Gog_Magog_Carpet_Reclaimers at February 6, 2014 3:34 PM

Why do a guy's friends do that?! I mean, right away?

>>Why do a guy's friends do that?! I mean, right away?

Only the false ones do. If my ex had gotten with any of my friends, they would no longer be my friends.

I will say, the passage of time mitigates things. If it's your ex from 20 years ago, and a more casual friend, I think most people wouldnt care.

We hate the other woman/man. Even if it is a stranger. (Yeah, yeah, there are exceptions, maybe you're so big hearted you're happy to see your recent ex with someone else, you are not the majority) So a friend who has decided to be the other woman/man has made a choice to be hated.

And an ex who goes for your friend is doing so knowing this will make your friend your enemy.

No matter how the break-up happened--even if it was amicable and totally your decision--it always sucks when they find someone else. You always secretly dislike that person and want everyone else to agree. (Why? We all hate thinking we are replaceable. It hurts that this is possible.) At first anyway.

Everyone is supposed to understand this. Why would you willingly become this person to a friend?

"Why do a guy's friends do that?! I mean, right away?"

It works both ways. When I temporarily broke up with my now-ex in 1986, I was amazed at the offers I was suddenly getting. Women who had never given me the time of day when I was single were suddenly calling me up "just to chat".

I met my now husband because I was friends with his wife's sister. There marriage was over and they were just not divorced yet. I was initially told he was off limits. His best friend was cute...we hooked up a couple times.

Eventually, wife got a long-term boyfriend, and her sister and mother thought it only fair that husband move on too and both encouraged me to get together with him. I did and now we are going on 14 years married.

Wife did get upset initially, we think she is cluster-B. I think she was just mad she couldn't still control him.

So I think it depends. Why did you break up? How serious were you?

Sometimes because just aren't compatible doesn't mean they can't still be compatible with someone else in the same circle.

"Women who had never given me the time of day when I was single were suddenly calling "

In the other direction - same thing happened to me when I married.

Once I put on the wedding band, I got offers from women who previously barely acknowledged me.

"Why? We all hate thinking we are replaceable. It hurts that this is possible.)"

I AM irreplaceable. She settled.

In the other direction - same thing happened to me when I married.

Once I put on the wedding band, I got offers from women who previously barely acknowledged me.

I understand that. Women have always flirted with me much more when I've been with another woman than when I've been by myself, and many other guys I know say the same thing has happened to them.

For some (perhaps many?) women, when a guy is married or otherwise involved with another woman, it seems to dramatically increase his desirability.

Chris Rock famously said that when a man looks at a woman he likes he says something like "I want to find someone like that!"

When a woman looks at a man she wants she says "I want THAT one"

Maybe it will shine a light as to why women suddenly love that wedding band on other guys.

It isn't just guys that do this, women have an even stricter code that says "If your friend has her eye on somebody, he is off limits to the rest of the group." It's like calling dibs, sillystupid as that sounds, and anyone breaking it gets kicked to the curb.

Oh, and don't give your number to a guy who is on an obvious mercy date with one of your aquaintances, either. Even if she isn't a true friend, the drama isn't worth having a cute guy around for a while. (He asked, after waiting at the table for an hour for her to return from the ladies room. I was stranded by my date hanging out with his jock friends. We were both bored as hell, and while chatting found we had a few things in common.)