Raising A Moral Child
Wharton School's Dr. Adam M. Grant writes in The New York Times that character -- and praising character -- counts:

Many parents believe it's important to compliment the behavior, not the child -- that way, the child learns to repeat the behavior. Indeed, I know one couple who are careful to say, "That was such a helpful thing to do," instead of, "You're a helpful person."

But is that the right approach? In a clever experiment, the researchers Joan E. Grusec and Erica Redler set out to investigate what happens when we commend generous behavior versus generous character. After 7- and 8-year-olds won marbles and donated some to poor children, the experimenter remarked, "Gee, you shared quite a bit."

The researchers randomly assigned the children to receive different types of praise. For some of the children, they praised the action: "It was good that you gave some of your marbles to those poor children. Yes, that was a nice and helpful thing to do." For others, they praised the character behind the action: "I guess you're the kind of person who likes to help others whenever you can. Yes, you are a very nice and helpful person."

A couple of weeks later, when faced with more opportunities to give and share, the children were much more generous after their character had been praised than after their actions had been. Praising their character helped them internalize it as part of their identities. The children learned who they were from observing their own actions: I am a helpful person. This dovetails with new research led by the psychologist Christopher J. Bryan, who finds that for moral behaviors, nouns work better than verbs. To get 3- to 6-year-olds to help with a task, rather than inviting them "to help," it was 22 to 29 percent more effective to encourage them to "be a helper." Cheating was cut in half when instead of, "Please don't cheat," participants were told, "Please don't be a cheater." When our actions become a reflection of our character, we lean more heavily toward the moral and generous choices. Over time it can become part of us.

Grant adds:

Tying generosity to character appears to matter most around age 8, when children may be starting to crystallize notions of identity.

Adults setting norms of generosity (and not preaching them) seems particularly important in getting children to follow their lead. The children who were most generous in another experiment were those who watched a teacher be giving but without the teacher talking about it.

Listen to Grant on my radio show here, and buy his inspiring and science-based book, just out in paperback: Give and Take: Why Helping Others Drives Our Success.