Stopping What I Call "Social Thuggery"
The very first interview a reporter did with me on my new book, "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," was in the paper today -- on the front page of the features section of Canada's national newspaper, the Globe And Mail. The reporter, a real pro, was Erin Anderssen. An excerpt:
Are we more rude today?What's happened is that we now live in societies too big for our brains. This is my theory about why we're rude, and it's based on work done by [British evolutionary anthropologist] Robin Dunbar, who figured out that our brains have a capacity for 150 relationships, and beyond that things break down. We can behave badly when we are around strangers, and we're around strangers almost all the time. This allows people to do stuff they would never do to a neighbour. The guy that's flipping you the bird in traffic is counting on the fact that he's never going to see you again.
You write about rudeness as if it's a crime.Rude people are stealing our time, our good night's sleep, our attention. If we feel, wow, we are being robbed, we can get mad about standing up to what is essentially social thuggery.
You don't spend the book teaching how to set the table, or the proper way to write a thank-you note. Do you think those rules are old-fashioned?Frankly, I don't know how to set the table and I don't care. People aren't living like it's Downton Abbey any more.
You argue that rather than the Do Unto Others rule, too many people today are living by the Up Yours rule? What's the most egregious example?Cellphone rudeness: that I am going to jam my life into your brain whether you like it or not. It's privatizing public space; it's stealing someone's attention and doing it in the pharmacy line or on the bus - anywhere people can't get away from you. Should people have to leave a restaurant, take their meal in a doggie bag, because you want to talk loudly about your bad day [on the phone] with your girlfriend?
Much more at the link.
We can behave badly when we are around strangers, and we're around strangers almost all the time.
This reminds me of a recent "On The Road" piece by Steve Hartman: From Amazon to Garden State: A mother and son's extraordinary journey
After six years in the U.S., during a trip back to the Amazon jungle to visit her family, David's mother, Yarima, made the decision to stay in Venezeula. In the video, her husband said that one of the reasons she decided she couldn't return to the U.S., even though it meant abandoning her son, was that "people weren't meant to live this way, walking by strangers all the time."
JD at May 23, 2014 8:48 AM
@"We can behave badly when we are around strangers, and we're around strangers almost all the time. This allows people to do stuff they would never do to a neighbour." and @"people weren't meant to live this way, walking by strangers all the time."
This would probably require some thought to answer, but I wonder if modern zoning laws contribute artificially to the way we are nowadays around strangers so much? I have this idea that if it weren't for zoning laws, the way we structured our communities would be more 'community-like'. E.g. in the old days, localized communities would centre more naturally around meeting places like the town square or the local church or the local pub etc., so people would be more likely to know one another. Now if you consider the layouts of things like modern suburbs you are almost 'legally required' to live amongst/between strangers and it's forbidden in many urban jurisdictions to even create local meeting points (e.g. pubs). It's difficult to imagine what our cities might be like without such laws.
Lobster at May 23, 2014 2:59 PM
Lobster, you may be on to something. My town is code enforcement central, with people paid to ride around all day and spot violations. They also take anonymous complaints. What sense f community this fosters.
Nelson Struck at May 24, 2014 1:59 AM
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