Amy, you know where this is headed. He needs to give himself a gift - a new GF who isn't controlled by the date on which the Earth circled the sun exactly 3 times for each of her toes since she was born.

She's 30. Time to quit thinking like she's six.

Agree to a birthday bash if she's willing to sing Lesley Gore tunes at a karaoke joint.

A few questions.

How long have they been dating
What is his other thing
What day of the week is his GFs Bday.

Two years (they've been dating), luj. Other thing is a sporting event -- a one-time thing. His sister got him a ticket to go with her and her husband. (I don't think the gf cares to go to that. I do think this is really about something else, but I'm trying to see this from the perspective of people who care about celebrating their birthday on the actual day.)

Girl, I prefer a birthday WEEK. But I'm not a blowout cake-and-gifts-and-party kind of person, I just like an excuse to make plans to do something, if it's visiting parents, watching a movie, having dinner. And nothing has to be done on that day. But it's nice to remember that day with at least a card. Just show someone you're thinking about them, isn't that what this is supposed to be all about?

I've always made a big deal out of my birthday. If it landed on a Thursday, I started partying that day and turned it into "my birthday weekend". There was a time when I actually took my birthday as a personal day off from work. It was my day, dammit, and I was gonna celebrate like I wasn't gonna have another!

Then I turned 29, and thought "big damn deal". I started celebrating my (insert number here)th anniversary of turning 21. By largely ignoring it. If someone wished me a Happy Birthday, I just said thanks and went on with my day.

And then I had kids, and it wasn't about me anymore.

Now, it is nice when friends remember me on my birthday, but it's not essential for me to make a big deal out of it anymore.

I think the LW's girlfriend needs to chill out a little. It's not the end of the world if they don't do something on "her" day. I mean, she's old enough to deal with it and appreciate doing something special on another day, and if she thinks she isn't and is going to turn this into a big deal, that speaks volumes about her maturity, or lack thereof. I mean, aging is inevitable, but maturing is optional. So LW needs to decide if he wants to deal with a 30-year-old whinging crybaby. If it were me, I wouldn't.

But I will say, BF gets a little pissy if I give him his gift BEFORE his birthday, only because he's not expecting it until "his" day. Some people are funny like that.

Could this maybe be a girl thing? I don't know of any guys who get all whoo hoo hoo about their birthday. Do you?

Could this maybe be a girl thing? I don't know of any guys who get all whoo hoo hoo about their birthday. Do you?

I think an attention-seeking disposition is quite atypical among adult males and likely limited to people in niche occupations where histrionics is beneficial to performance or to a certain deviant minority. Some men are pleased when others watch them play sports, most men are pleased when someone cooks for them, and most men are pleased if someone lies down for them (until age dissipates that).

1. She may be a princess planning her perfect wedding day so this is a big ALERT for her BF.

2. She is probably upset that he would do something trivial (i.e. anything she does not think important) on a WEEKEND but esp. her BD.

3. There are some "things" you need to do and just ignore the drama and snide comments of those that totally disagree with you. Explain why in a very nice tone TWICE and then STFU. These "things" are part of being a HEALTHY human being with your own needs and desires.

Note: 21 years ago I did not celebrate our 1st wedding day anniversary because I had stupidly started taking akido the week before. I could not walk w/o pain for the entire week and there was no way I would go through that pain again by missing a class. The drama and the pain subsided w/in a month. The marriage survived but not the akido (just could not learn to roll). A man's gotta do what ...

The ex-wife was like the girlfriend, VERRRRY expectant of fireworks and unicorns on her special days (birthday, anniversary, Christmas, whatever). My "special" days would often pass with...(crickets)... Just one example of how the wind blowed in only one direction in our house...

OK, I'll bite...

He's going to ditch her on her 30th birthday to go watch sports? Wow.

I'd say celebrating a different day works if there's a reason like there's a long weekend coming up so it would be more practical, or there's a work thing you can't get out of, or something like that, but "I'd rather do something more fun with people I like better than you than be with you on your birthday"? He's showing her what his priorities are. Let's talk about the kind of husband HE will be... the kind who skips his kids' concerts to go play with his friends.

It's ok to have totally separate lives if you're into that... she isn't. They aren't compatible.

To clarify, it's not the lack of a big event on her day of that I'm objecting to, it's the totally ditching her because something better came along aspect that I find troubling. He could still have a nice evening at home with her even if it is more convenient to hold the big fiesta on another day.

My Dad turned 70 in April. I'm taking him to an awesome lunch place with the best view on Lake Leman in a couple weeks. Why? He lives in Boston, I live in Switzerland. But I did call him on the actual day of. There's something to be said for acknowledgement on the actual day of.

From the way she wrote her question, I actually don't think she's princessy. I think this is about something else, really. Wanting a little reassurance that he really cares. Wanting a sign -- a costly signal -- that he does.

If they've been together two years the sister should have offered to let her brother buy or pitch in for another ticket, cause by then theyll be together nearly three years.

I dont see why he cant go to the game, buy her a spa day for the same time and then they spend the rest of the weekend in a nice hotel

... that said, how long have they been together? Are they at family/SO level of closeness and responsibility yet? If this is someone he's just been seeing a little while, it's another matter. How serious are things?

Oh, two years... hmm. Is he close to proposing? Is she worrying about that?

I bet the lack of proposal + the ditching her for something more fun is a sign of him wanting to pull away.

I can't think of anything lonelier than spending the day at a spa alone because your boyfriend wanted to ditch you so he could go have REAL fun.

Yes. But you're exceptional. Most women want to get married and have kids. And this one is turning... 30.

So, my sister has never been a super-special princess about her birthdays. However, she was the year she turned thirty. To her, it wasn't just a milestone, it was a cause for anxiety. There were a whole lot of issues and questions that cropped up for her associated with that birthday. (Are my fun years over? Seriously, am I going to have kids? Why has my career gone nowhere, I showed so much promise at the beginning of my 20s? Am I with the right guy? Am I with the right guy if I want kids? How long before I lose my looks? Do I look ridiculous wearing my favorite clubbing clothes now? Should I stop clubbing? Should I switch to a more stable job?) It was a big deal to her to have her closest friends, boyfriend, and family there for that time.

For me, yes I would be hurt. And I don't think I'm a birthday-princess. The only thing that would make me happy about moving my birthday weekend trip one way or the other is if the travel prices were phenomenally better. It's supposed to be a special day for me and yes, I would like to celebrate it on the actual day.

This would be especially true if I wasn't even invited to the "once in a lifetime" sporting event, even if I had no interest in it. (Seriously? Is it the playoffs for a favorite team or the last game of a beloved player? Because that's about the only way I could imagine a sporting event being "once in a lifetime.") Also, how does the letter writer's family generally treat the girlfriend and their relationship? Are they otherwise supportive of it or do they not care about her at all?

Also, I polled my husband. He said his feelings would be hurt in this situation too. When I asked why he said, "It's my special day, and dammit, I want to do something fun with the people I love on the actual day." So it isn't just a girl thing. However, he didn't understand why 30 was a milestone birthday.

So is this a pattern with her or is her "my actual day of birth must be acknowledged" an exception? Does she treat the letter-writer's special days with equal pomp? And if she starts asking herself questions like "Am I with the right guy?" and looks over at the void where her boyfriend would otherwise be, is the letter writer very confident that he will like the answer?

I can think of anything sadder than a woman who bitches about celebrating her boyfriends birthday because it isnt something she wants to do

The sporting even is apparently a birthday present to the boyfriend from his sister.

And he didn't know ahead of time it would fall on his GFs birthday?

If she didn't celebrate his birthday, there's other issues going on.

I can see a dilemma if his sister bought him some really fancy tickets without checking the date with him, and they're already paid for and cant be exchanged...

Both half of this couple need to decide if they should remain a couple.

Her, because her boyfriend decided that a sporting event is more important to him than her milestone birthday.

Him, because his girlfriend thinks her birthday is more important than a one-time-somebody-else-paid-for sporting event.

I know that is NOT what you asked; but, I thought I'd put it out there anyway.

For the record; no, it doesn't matter that a birthday isn't celebrated exactly ON your birthday.

Now, if this were something, such as a parent's wedding anniversary (a REAL milestone, like their 50th) that he was "ditching" to go to a sporting event. Then yea, she would have a reason to be upset.

But, from what I understand this was about him and her celebrating her birthday together. Doesn't she have any friends that she could spend the day with instead? Part of being a couple is understanding, and welcoming, that sometimes the other half will go off by themselves for something they enjoy that you don't - and you are HAPPY for them!

Oh, and BTW, 30 isn't exactly a "milestone." Now, 50, 80, or 100 ARE milestones.

Then, of course, there is always the possibility that his sister and her husband bought the tickets for THAT day knowing he would choose to go instead of being with his girlfriend and hoping that would break them up.

Well if we're looking at this from her perspective, I would say to look for signs that he realizes this is kind of a big deal, he gets it, and he's gonna make this up to her on a different day. Before or after doesn't matter, just that he realizes he's not gonna be there but he wants her to know he still values her. If he does his thing on her day and all she gets is some half-assed card, well that's another matter. And if their birthdays are that close together, then the sister seriously should have gotten a ticket for her too. Two years together? Hmmmm.

Charles, 30 is a big deal for a lot of women, because there's this idea you should have found "the one" by then, your looks, your eggs, everything is going downhill by then. It's when a lot of women start hearing the ticking get really loud.

@Miss Alkon: Other thing is a sporting event -- a one-time thing. His sister got him a ticket to go with her and her husband.

As NicoleK mentioned, It seems like the guy or his sister should have noticed the date conflict sooner. Charles suggest that may have been deliberate on the sister's and her husband's part, which strikes me as a little underhanded, even if it's true. As far as the boyfriend goes, it's pretty unkind if he was in on it.

It seems like the guy or his sister should have noticed the date conflict sooner.

The guy yes. His sister? Maybe. I dont know the birthday for my sister HUSBAND, and they've been married for ten years and he and I were friends in high school

I still like to celebrate birthdays (mine and others), but am happy to move the celebration date for mine. I do like to hear from people close to me on the actual birthday. I would be a little disappointed but ok if we had been kinda sorta planning something for that weekend (since I would just plan something with others) but I would hurt if we had actual plans for the birthday weekend and BF ditched. Of course the context of the relationship to date would have played a big role -- great, attentive guy who normally never breaks plans vs guy who has a bit of a shaky track record

Why can't it happen the weekend before? I could see it being rude the weekend after (like she's an afterthought). But the weekend before says I thought about it beforehand and planned something special.

Then the day of, she goes out with her best friend and they o something really fun. I love spending time with my bestie.

Excellent suggestion, Ppen! If she's not amenable to that, then he should give up.

Maybe this is not uncommon behaviour for the BF and if the GF has discussed her anxiety about becoming 30 then she may feel it's the proverbial "straw".

If a friend is having "issues" with an upcoming event then you should be there for them unless you are out of the country, in the hospital, or in the morgue.

If she is not this type of friend to him, then she needs to leave on her own and start anew.

I am peculiarly torn by this story. On the one hand, Princess Layer's 30th birthday takes precedence over everything? Why? On the other hand, Prince Not-So Charming ignores girlfriend's 30th (admittedly, a milestone for most women) to go to a lousy sports event with his sister?

Lots of stupidity to go round this here situation.

Solution: assuming that the sports event is a Big Important One (NBA final, Stanley Cup whatever) and therefore the date cannot be changed or postponed, then GF can make some accommodation, surely? (If not, that says a bit about her, doesn't it?) On the other hand, if BF absolutely HAS to go to the Big Sports Event (which says something about him, BTW), why can't Princess celebrate her Big Sad Occasion on another day, but more lavishly to make up for it?

Like I said, I'm torn. But both parties have to realize that this is one of those situations in a relationship which requires... A COMPROMISE [gasp!]. If they can't compromise on this little standoff -- and it is a little one -- imagine how they'll handle a big compromise later on, when an issue such as their kids' schooling has to be resolved.

I think that the 30th Birthday/Big Sports Event contretemps is actually a good belwether for their relationship. If they can't resolve this little conflict, they ought to part ways.

I have a stealth birth date: no one remembers the day after New Years. I turned 50 not so long ago, and I didn't make big deal out of that. I treated myself to a nice dinner and some fine whiskey. If I smoked, there may have been a fine Cuban cigar.

Now that I think about it, a fine Cubana would be alright, too...wut?

Kim above is correct: this is a watershed event. If the GF makes too big of a deal out of it, she may find the tip of his boot kicking her to the curb.

I know our lovely blog hostess is not a sports person, but if someone got me TAMU vs Alabama football tickets next October, I'd have to be either dead, in a hospital, in jail to miss it. A girlfriend's birthday? here's a gift card, dear, gather up your girlfriends and have a girls night out.

I haven't sifted through the comments yet, but in my opinion, this person is an idiot. Weekends, for most people, are the best time to have celebrations. So, why not have the big shindig when people don't have to go to work the next day, or have just finished a long day at work.

If she wants to be sentimental about the position of the earth (never mind that since the whole universe is moving, the earth will probably never be in that same position again), why not simply spend that day in a personal celebration? She could use that time to contemplate the direction her life has taken thus far, and where she's going. If she's not happy thus far, it's a perfect time to renew her resolve and set goals for herself. And if she is satisfied with what she's done so far, then that is her time to review her accomplishments, and again, consider where she needs to go to continue her life's work.

What better way to celebrate the anniversary of one's birth?

It could be her own personal time. It's more productive than sitting around eating some overly-sweet-but-otherwise-completely-tasteless confection from the bakery, frosted with a disgusting mixture of Crisco and powdered sugar.

Now that I've read most of the comments, I have to say, I don't see how they compromise in this case. He's attending a major sports event, which is a convergence of many, many personalities; it's not he can ask every player, the coaches, the fans, and all the others that get together for this event.

With this in mind, the only malleable factor in this equation is her celebration.

Go to sports event, celebrate the birthday the weekend before. If she can't do that, then she's obviously a controlling prima donna, and he needs to run.

"I have a stealth birth date: no one remembers the day after New Years. I turned 50 not so long ago, and I didn't make big deal out of that. I treated myself to a nice dinner and some fine whiskey. If I smoked, there may have been a fine Cuban cigar."

This is my daughter's birthday also. My son's is even worse, three days before on December 30th.

We have never made a big deal out of the birthdays, and they have a joint celebration, where I fix dinner for them, and we go to a movie or something simple.

Mostly we are partied out by that time of year.

Wedding anniversary is somewhat the same way. Out of the last six years we have been together on the same continent exactly twice for the actual day.

I know some women who make a big deal over birthdays but unless you are ten, you are either a spoiled prima Donna, or had a really deprived childhood.

It has been my experience that there are some families where you are only treated well on special days. I pity those people.

Somehow with this woman I see all the warning signs of a bridezilla in the making.

Seems silly to me. Wow, you managed to be born AND not die for 30 years…not exactly a milestone, not exactly an achievement.

Want to celebrate it, fine, but pick the best date to do it for those you want involved.

I don't understand it myself, But here is a go at one particular case.

My former sister-in-law was very big into birthdays and doing it on the actual day. She was also one of those bridezillas - not as bad as you see on tv but bad - I think the two are related. From what she has said (and partially confirmed by her brothers) she was over-looked child and when not over-looked then the scape goat. Her mother was big on birthdays and the day of. On your birthday you got royal treatment, everyone in the family catered to you. You got to pick breakfast and dinner...to a limited extent lunch too.You got to pick what the family did in the evening for entertainment. It really was your special day.

When t=it looked like her second kid might be born on the same day as the first (years apart) she actually talked to the doctor about doing something about it. (it didn't end up happening).

She has passed it abit onto my nieces and nephews but so far it just needs to be recongnized on the day...the celebration can be another day.

in this case, can the guy maybe do a little something before or after his event? Maybe even take off of work. Perhaps a quick dinner together before the event and then a more proper celebration another day.

I suspect it is particularly bad for this girl because of the milestone for reason other have mentioned.

Milestone birthdays can be big deals. I've had two that somehow were hugely important, psychologically. But the celebrations thereof? Meh - those can be shoved.

A six-year-old can expect a big party and presents on the exact day, but a 30-year-old? Time to grow up, girl. As long as the guy makes a big deal of her milestone, it shouldn't matter whether it's before or after.

If it's clear to him that it is a milestone - no fair expecting him to read her mind - she must say something. If it's clear, and he doesn't set up something appropriate before or after, then that's a different message all its own.

I would hope certain people would at least CALL me on the right day! Otherwise, I believe that one should be as understanding as possible of other people's schedules - and when you're an adult, the only people you should expect to make more than a little fuss over your birthday are your S.O. and your children. (Clearly, this means that you have to keep making a fuss over your elderly parents even if they never do anything for you, but most parents would understand if you refused to do that, I guess.)

In the meantime, my brother and his wife often hold their little kids' birthday parties on the "wrong" days (within a week, I assume), because of their very tight schedules - and if the kids don't like it, I've never heard.

BTW, I'm reminded of an old Peter Arno cartoon from the New Yorker where a long-bearded man turning 100 (or higher) has lots of guests and a flaming cake before him, but he's grousing: "Never mind the damned cake! Where are the reporters?"

Celebrating birthdays is for the very young, and the very old.

I am not a birthday sentimentalist at all. However, I think the birthday isn't really the main issue here. What is the issue here is that her boyfriend has been invited to a social event by another romantic couple, and they have not invited her to come as well. (And it's not a gay male couple inviting the husband to an XY-only drag show or something along those lines -- it's a mixed-sex couple.) Members of established couples are not supposed to be invited singly to mixed-sex social events that do not have some sort of bar to participation (and by that I'm thinking of, say, a requirement that every single person in attendance has attended one particular school). Maybe this sporting event is, in fact, the World Cup finale, and the sister or brother-in-law was given one ticket as a favor and has no way of getting any more. I'm guessing not, given the way the question was presented, but I can see that occurring. Otherwise, though…this is a situation that wouldn't have occurred if the letter writer and her boyfriend were married.

Aaaaaaaand that, ladies and gents, is the REAL issue here. The girlfriend is turning 30. Thirty years of age is, in fact, a milestone birthday if you are an unmarried, childless woman who is not happy about those facts (or even if you're just unhappy about being unmarried and are uncertain or opposed to kids). Age is not a woman's friend on the dating market, and it's REALLY not her friend where fertility is concerned (as my fertility doctor can tell you, right before he speeds away in his fancy car that his many clients have helped to fund out of pocket). And instead of having her boyfriend with her on that specific day…he's going to be hanging out with another couple, at an event to which she was not invited. Not a work trip. Not a bachelor party for a best friend since childhood. Not a visit to his elderly mother who's having surgery for cancer. Not even a trip away with his dad for the first day of hunting season as has been done for the last 15 years. Nope, he's going to be hanging out with another couple. Without her.

You know what? Her real question isn't about her birthday. Her real question is whether this guy wants to marry her -- not tomorrow, but eventually. I don't think he does, and I think his sister and BIL are acting as though she's not a potential sister-in-law. I would advise her to think to herself about what she would do if she KNEW he wouldn't be marrying her -- would she do nothing for now and just have a good time? Or something else? In the interim, I would let him make all of the arrangements for the weekend away for her birthday, and see where things go from there.

(Turning 30 was kind of a big deal to me. I tell people, and I fully believe, that the 30s are better than the 20s, but when I turned 30, I was single and childless, with no active dating prospects. I had a lovely grownup celebration with marvelous friends, but I still really *felt* that birthday. Turning 40? I was happily married, with a couple of kids and a husband who thinks I'm gorgeous. We celebrated with lots of loved ones because, well, I love an excuse for a get-together, but I didn't really *feel* turning 40, even though physically I know it's a bigger deal. As I said, I'm not a birthday sentimentalist, but I do understand this woman's perspective.)

I am celebrating my milestone birthday all year long. Various friends and family members are able to visit at different times, and I get a "birthday" dinner or treat out of each visit.
Why limit oneself to only one day?

30 IS a big deal for plenty of women.
I think it depends on the dynamics of their relationship. I throw a celebration for my husband pretty much every year, but I am not a birthday sentimentalist myself. However, his absolutely half-assed acknowledgement of MY 30th birthday DID sting. I will say I wouldn't care if were on the ACTUAL birthday.

Does she go all-out for BF's birthdays? How would he react if she skipped his actual birthday for some kind of "once-in-a-lifetime" performance with people who didn't think he was worth buying tickets for?

Sounds like her birthday truly is a millstone - around his neck.

As a birthday anti-sentimentalist I feel the exact opposite. I don't ever want to celebrate my birthday and I kinda wish my family would forget about the whole thing.

And its not a fear of getting older or whatever. I've made my peace with death. And I was practically born old, so not that either. I have really bad luck on birthdays. At this point the only way they could go downhill is if I get shot or served legal papers or my house explodes. Even a dummy like me can figure out when the universe is telling you 'Today is just not your day.'

Her: What do you want for your birthday?

Him: A blowjob.

Her: How is that different from any other day?

Him: It's not.