Just Ghost (How To Leave A Party)
I learned this from my friend (and a wonderful host) DL -- the "French Leave."
Instead of interrupting the host's conversation to say goodbye, just "ghost" -- quietly disappear from the party.
That said, when I'm invited to a party, I send a thank-you note afterward -- one that arrives by mail. So the disappearance isn't wordless -- the words are just postponed, and generally arrive on an antique postcard or piece of antique hotel stationery the day afterward.
There's a piece on this on Slate, by Seth Stevenson, in favor of what's also sometimes called the "Irish Goodbye." Why make leaving harder than it has to be, he asks?
One recent evening, I celebrated my birthday in the outdoor courtyard of a bar. As the night wore on, and friends fell by the wayside, each departure occasioned a small ritual. A pal would sidle up to whichever conversational circle I was in; edge closer and closer, so as to make herself increasingly conspicuous; and finally smile, apologetically, when the conversation halted so I could turn to her and say goodbye.Nothing but good intentions here. To some small extent, I appreciated the politeness of this parting gesture. It was not a major imposition to pause for a moment and thank folks for coming.
But there's a better way. One that saves time and agita, acknowledges clear-eyed realities, and keeps the social machine humming.
Just ghost.
Ghosting--aka the Irish goodbye, the French exit, and any number of other vaguely ethnophobic terms--refers to leaving a social gathering without saying your farewells. One moment you're at the bar, or the house party, or the Sunday morning wedding brunch. The next moment you're gone. In the manner of a ghost.
...Let's free ourselves from this meaningless, uncomfortable, good time-dampening kabuki. People are thrilled that you showed up, but no one really cares that you're leaving. Granted, it might be aggressive to ghost a gathering of fewer than 10. And ghosting a group of two or three is not so much ghosting as ditching. But if the party includes more than 15 or 20 attendees, there's a decent chance none will notice that you're gone, at least not right away.
UPDATED: A bit on thank you notes to party hosts from "Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck", which I hope you'll buy! The above link is to Amazon; here's the one at Barnes and Noble.
The senseless death of the thank-you noteSomebody spends hours cleaning their house and even more shopping, cooking, and laying out the spread for a party, all of which probably cost them a bunch of money, and your response is . . . calling out "Bye!" and maybe adding a "Hey, thanks!" as you go out the door? E-mailing a thank you the next day is the minimum you should do--and is fine if somebody simply put out beer, chips, veggies, and dip.
When somebody has you to dinner, a little more effort seems in order. This isn't to say that you need to pluck a goose, sharpen a quill into a pen, and write a 1,000-word letter waxing on about the stuffed mushrooms in a spidery longhand. I like to send antique postcards I buy in bulk on eBay (150 for $34 last time I bought 'em).
Best of all, there's just enough room to scrawl some thanks for the fab grub and maybe an amusing aside. But what the antique postcard lacks in space for verbosity it makes up for in groovy-osity. As the late crime writer Elmore Leonard admiringly put it after he got my postcard thanking him for having me at his Christmas party, "looked like it got lost in the mail for 75 years."
I also like to buy antique hotel stationery on eBay. It's like getting a present in the mail to get a thank-you note on stationery from some long-gone hotel in Hong Kong.
I've been ghosting for years. Much easier than making the rounds and being held on to for "just one more before you go".
Flynne at October 22, 2014 4:19 AM
I can rarely remember when I left. In a big group, when other people leave is their business!
Ltw at October 22, 2014 5:06 AM
People really do appreciate the thank you. I wrote about this in "Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck". Off to find the bit.
In fact, I'll post it above.
Amy Alkon at October 22, 2014 7:14 AM
You can do that? Just... leave?
flbeachmom at October 22, 2014 7:54 AM
Just slip out the back, Jack. . .
Rex Little at October 22, 2014 8:21 AM
Another thing that comes in handy for me — when you get stationery or cards, slap a stamp on 'em (and an address label if you use them). Ready to go.
Looking up the address and writing it out always takes more time than the thank-you itself, which is personal, direct and BRIEF.
Kevin at October 22, 2014 9:13 AM
I have to admit I don't like the thank you card. They just don't 'click' for me. It just feels weird to me for reasons I can't articulate clearly.
Ben at October 22, 2014 10:10 AM
I am so gonna get me some antique stationary now.
gooseegg at October 22, 2014 10:20 AM
To Ben: Maybe you don't like them, but prospective employers certainly do, after job interviews.
Someday I hope Miss Manners answers a question that I'm sure has been asked of her more than once: What do we say to those kids who want to be more popular both with their peers and adults but who don't, say, understand why they should have to learn to write thank-you notes when they've never received one - and they don't feel any sense of deprivation over it?
lenona at October 22, 2014 11:28 AM
And here's where she addresses part of the thank-you note problem, but not what I mentioned (second half of column):
http://www.tuscaloosanews.com/article/20060326/NEWS/603260309
It's from 2006.
lenona at October 22, 2014 11:36 AM
When I leave a large gathering, I try to say goodbye to the two or three people that I've interacted with the most. That serves two purposes for me: it lets me mentally put an end point on the event, and if anyone is looking for me later and starts asking around, someone can tell them that I already left.
Cousin Dave at October 22, 2014 12:24 PM
Honestly Lenona for my line of work thank you cards have been a non-issue. If I didn't have the job before I filled out an application or sat for the interview then I wasn't going to get the job. Even when I was on the other side of the table the decision was made a few hours after the applicant left. So thank you letters are too little too late to make a difference.
Ben at October 22, 2014 2:51 PM
What a fantastic idea, Amy! I never knew that antique stationary is available.
Even a thank you email is better than nothing. I sent my niece a present for her birthday this year too, and have no idea if she liked it, got it, nothing. Of course I can keep checking online to see that it's delivered, but even 'Hey thanks!' would be better than the silence.
crella at October 22, 2014 3:46 PM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2014/10/just-ghost.html#comment-5309476">comment from crellaThanks, crella!
And here's another thing that's disturbing. I recently posted an ad on Craigslist to replace my beloved assistant, Adam, who lost his mind (so I tease him) and has gone to learn to farm and live off the grid.
It was hellish. I got over 400 applicants, most of whom were unqualified. (I've found a guy who's really good, and he's picked things up fast, and from his thinking I hear, I think he's a good person.)
Anyway, I made a point of responding to every single applicant. I don't have tons of time, so what I did is create a macro on a program I have called "Typeit4me." When I type "monkey" with a second "y" on the end and hit return, out pops this:
Thanks so much -- I don't think you're exactly the right fit, but I really appreciate your taking the time to apply.
I would type the person's name in first, hit my macro, and then send the email.
Many people wrote back, amazed, saying they had never gotten a reply from anyone on Craigslist before. I think that's crappy. Maybe I should write an op-ed about this. On how being able to be anonymous doesn't mean you should act like you are. (I write in the book that you should behave on the Internet as if you're commenting in your own full name.)
We all like that feeling of "closure" -- at least knowing. In most cases, I declined requests to know what was wrong or not right, but in a few cases, I told people, and in a couple cases, I gave them leads for jobs.
Amy Alkon
at October 22, 2014 4:36 PM
I once took a 2.5 hour test for a job that involved writing something for them. Didn't even get a thank you for coming. Pissed me the fuck off.
Ppen at October 22, 2014 10:20 PM
Maybe I should write an op-ed about this. On how being able to be anonymous doesn't mean you should act like you are.
Posted by: Amy Alkon Author Profile Page at October 22, 2014 4:36 PM
Yes, please!
I behave like everyone I know, knows everyone else. It helps me behave better in person and on line.
If you're in or from Pittsburgh, it's also likely to be true, but that's beside the point.
Michelle at October 22, 2014 10:21 PM
Personally, there's probably a business in making stationery for sale from places you can't generally get it (like the Executive Office of the President), it's not there anymore (the Commodore Hotel in NYC as an example. . .), or doesn't actually exist (the Luna City Motel 6, Selene Dome, Luna). . . .
Keith Glass at October 23, 2014 7:02 AM
To Ben:
Maybe that's so, at YOUR workplace, but at least once, I heard of someone who got the job because she was the ONLY applicant who wrote a thank you note.
lenona at October 23, 2014 3:24 PM
Stuff it Lenona. You can take your condescending ignorance and your little Stalin complex and shove it.
I was quite clear that I was talking about my profession. We cost basic equipment rental at $50k/hr. Time is very valuable. Decisions are made quickly. Within an hour of you leaving the building the hire or not decision has been made. Unless you sent a thank you email as soon as the interview ended it is too late to make a difference. Getting an offer at the end of the interview is common. This is not just one or two companies but how an entire industry works.
I never said that is how every industry works. But it is how mine works. Amy is a writer. I expect her situation to be completely different from mine. There is no shock that in a writing profession you should write a note. It is good advice for many other fields as well. But for me it is just weird and annoying.
Ben at October 23, 2014 9:15 PM
The trouble is, it can be easy to slip OUT of a good habit when you shouldn't, if you don't practice it all the time.
lenona at October 25, 2014 1:12 PM
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