I keep finding out its really controversial to tell women with low self esteem about their looks that they need to work on themselves and the constant validation they seek from their partners is really annoying as a fellow woman.

I've been told that if you tell them they're being annoying they'll just internalize it more so it's the responsibility of their partner to build up their self esteem.

If that's the case is it any wonder they end up with abusive men?

If "TMI" trivializes the female experience, then obviously so do pencils, quesadillas, and Chia Pets.

An aside, what is it with postmodern feminists totally losing their minds this week? First Naomi Wolf and now this. Richard Fernandez wrote a column this week speculating that Marxist leftism is finally reaching its endgame. Not sure I agree, but the timing of these things is interesting.

Loved this Amy! May I use it in the future?

"...we'd best shove you back in the kitchen where none of the muffins you bake will do anything to offend your terribly tender-ass self."

"TMI"? Seriously?

(...I actually forgot what I was going to write, because as I was adding in my wordpress URL, I remembered that my blog actually has "TMI" in the title and I totally lost my shit! Hahaha.)

All of this infantilizing that certain women keep asking for, while simultaneously demanding that creatives have more Strong Womyn© in their stories/media, is ridiculous beyond belief. A little self-awareness would go a long way...

Always Amy!

We need to remember that there's a difference between "controversial" and "rude." Also, rudeness often has to do not with what you say, but how and WHEN you say it.

Sometimes women don't want advice, they just want someone to gripe to. But...even if you're a woman, you're not obligated to bore yourself to death by listening silently if you wouldn't ask people to do that for you. Just politely excuse yourself - and mention that you THINK you have some possible solutions, but you're not sure if the other person wants to hear them right now - or ever. Then the ball is in the other person's court.

And yes, it IS impolite when you say or write things (again, in certain WAYS) that your regular audience is going to find tasteless, so the audience IS entitled to say "too much information."

There's nothing wrong with demanding more and more politeness, in finer and finer detail. Just don't be surprised when the other side demands the same in return.

From Miss Manners' 2000 book review of "It's the Little Things: The Everyday Interactions That Get Under the Skin of Blacks and Whites," by Lena Williams (note the last sentence of this paragraph):

"Here at Etiquette Central, we are under siege from indignant citizens demanding justice. Applications to be excused from observing the rules arrive bolstered by documentation of illness, moodiness, busyness, family background, cultural background, provocation and plain old temptation, or by undocumented claims of free-spiritedness. Reports of misconduct pour in, along with petitions to amend old rules or institute new ones. True, we welcome citizen participation. A republic must consent to any rules that govern it, question those that are outdated or wrong and address new needs. There is just an awful lot, considering that only yesterday the population was ridiculing etiquette and declaring itself satisfied with unrestrained natural behavior, thank you very much. No sooner did people grudgingly admit the legitimacy of etiquette than everyone began bashing everyone else in its name."

Read the rest here:

http://www.nytimes.com/books/00/10/15/reviews/001015.15martint.html

I guess "TMI" could offend in the wrong context, but to say the phrase itself is sexist is nonsense. I've used it many times in conversations which don't include women or relate to them in any way.

you can take possession of supposedly negative words and use them as positives.

About a year ago, someone on Pharyngula called me a "giant doucheweasel". I decided that, coming from those people, I'd take it as a compliment. Since then, my handle for all comments on that site is "Rex Little, Giant Douchweasel".

Months later, I chanced to comment that words only have as much power to hurt you as you allow them. If you want to see how the tender-asses took that, here's the link.

Evidently, being male in a patriarchal society, is crime enough. I've tried protesting, "I didn't choose my gender!" but sadly, that doesn't work. (And I even managed to avoid saying that I do like being male, even if I didn't choose to be.)

A feminist might argue that in a patriarchal society, being a woman is also criminalized, if not in a literal sense, then in a sort of unspoken, elephant-in-the-living room kind of way.

I recently shared a link on your blog about sexist oinkers, Greg Gutfeld and Eric Bolling, making crude jokes about Maj. Mariam Al Mansouri, the female fighter pilot who led a bombing mission against ISIS.

I watched the video, and it disgusted me on a deeper level than just the infantile use of the word "boobs" on a news program. It wasn't just my preference that we leave the use of pre-adolescent terminology to the pre-adolescents. Let's have grownups use grownup words.

His crude, dismissive "boobs on the ground" struck me more as trying to remind women that regardless of the great things you might accomplish, you're still inferior to us men. And obviously, before you get too proud of this female fighter pilot, we will need to put you in your place.

And besides, overlooking the crudeness and sexism, it was pretty damned ignorant. "Boots on the ground" refers to ground troops, as most people with half a brain could probably figure out. She's a fighter pilot, not a ground troop. Her boots don't touch the ground until she lands.

In his defense, Bolling did apologize twice. Supposedly, his own wife ripped him a new one over it. Good for her.

Contrary to the opinions of Bolling/Gutfeld apologist Greta von Susteren, Gutfeld did not apologize for his comment about her not being able to park the jet after she flew it.

His words:

I have heard that some people in Washington and elsewhere may have misinterpreted my joke about the amazing female fighter pilot from the United Arab Emirates asking if she could park the jet.

People who watch this show and Red Eye, which is on late at night, know that I make hackey jokes knowing they are very hackey.

That the joke represents a stereotypical mindset, in my mind, was the joke.

However the UAE should know that I did not mean to slight their progressive move in having this great woman lead the war on terror, blowing up those heathens. She’s pretty awesome.

And – of course women, in the UAE can drive.

And that’s the real joke.

They can drive – and I can’t.

I don’t even have a drivers license. I can’t even park! It’s disgusting.

By the way, Major Al Mansouri inspired me to go to the DMV. I’m actually going to the DMV next week because I’m a big chicken, I hate driving in New York.

Translation: I'm sorry everyone was too stupid to realize that I wasn't making a sexist joke. I was making a joke about the sexist pigs who would make a joke like that.

Yeah, right.

By the way, is this Halloween decoration sexist?

I always thought TMI was used primarily for when people start relating their bathroom functions - not bedroom functions.

I can't imagine how "TMI" could be construed as sexist. I'm kind of interested in the rest of the quote to hear the tortured explanation. However, I applaud any attempt at encouraging people to not say "TMI" just because it's annoying as fuck. It does, I suppose, serve as a good indicator for me to quickly determine whether or not I'd like someone. The moment "TMI" comes out of their mouth, it's a pretty good time saver.

Hey! This next question for Amy and the peanut gallery will seem a little off-topic, but I'm putting it out there because etiquette was mentioned earlier and this thread involves feminism. Here goes:

My mother taught me very traditional etiquette when dealing with women. For that I'm grateful to my mother because it gets me laid. Obviously, the coming around the car to open the door stuff, standing as a woman leaves and returns to a dinner table or enters the room, all that easy stuff that, somehow, allows a slob like me to stand out over my competitors (those that also have a penis).

The trouble is that one of the things that I was taught was to never offer my handshake to a woman. I was taught that this was her prerogative and she'll offer her hand if she wants to shake hands.

The trouble is, young people and even people my own age (I'm 44) seem to have not been taught this. Is it so archaic that I'm offending people?

Here's a business meeting for me:
"Whistle, this is Jim."
"Nice to meet you, Jim" --firm handshake.
"And this is Mary." -- I don't offer my hand, think, "What the fuck, Mary? Are you going to shake hands or not?"

By the time I realize that Mary is a clod that hasn't been taught etiquette, it's too awkward to offer my hand. Does Mary now think I'm a sexist who refuses to shake a woman's hand?

I'm curious to know how many people on here were taught this or if this is the first time you're hearing about the concept.

Hey Patrick! That jack-0-lantern picture was fucking hilarious! Thanks!

"Translation: I'm sorry everyone was too stupid to realize that I wasn't making a sexist joke. I was making a joke about the sexist pigs who would make a joke like that.

Yeah, right."

That's the little pissant Patrick's translation not Gutfeld's.

I doubt that Patrick watches Red Eye or Fox. He does know how to snark on what he doesn't watch - others tell him what to say. Those others don't watch either. Funny that.

I'm not bossy. I'm boss. I'm also The Boss. Me and Miss Ross. But not that Bruce guy.
And any information from Lena D. is too much.

While I agree we shouldn't be drooping flowers, I disagree that just "putting up with" obnoxious comments or behavior is a sign of strength. If someone is douchy, by all means call them on it.

Interesting, Whistledick, I'm 37 and was not taught that. Now I have to think whether or not I offer, I've no idea! I've never not shaken hands with someone I've met in a formal setting... but I've no idea if I offered or they did!

I know among my American social circle, among age peers when we're meeting people at parties we don't usually shake hands, but with my parents' age peers we do.

In Switzerland when you meet someone the question is do you shake hands or kiss... kinda follows the same rules I'm familiar with as shaking hands in America... if you're meeting friends of friends at a party or social event you kiss, if it's older people or work colleagues you shake. But sometimes I guess wrong. But people don't usually care. Sometimes you shake when you first meet, then when you say goodbye you're kissing by then. I live in the country where people get into a "tu" relationship pretty quick, even between generations.

@Whistledick: Shaking hands with women: that strike me as very archaic. If you would offer to shake with a man, you should offer to shake with a woman. Especially if you are in any sort of semi-formal or business setting.

Rules for a group of friends going out for a beer (say, one of the friends brings along an SO you haven't met before) may be different - depends on the group, what's normal.

I disagree that just "putting up with" obnoxious comments or behavior is a sign of strength. If someone is douchy, by all means call them on it.

@NicoleK: Sure, call them on it, absolutely. Just don't try and have the government (or whoever) prohibit being a douchebag. And there's no call to go looking for offense where there is none (TMI? Really?), which is what this article is all about...

Dick, I've heard that one but it was a long time ago, and I had fogotten it until I read your comment just now. I've always offered to shake hands when meeting a woman in a business setting. Have I offended someone by offering to do so? Not that I recall, but maybe. But the way I take it is: In a business environment in North America, when you meet someone new, shaking hands is what you do. If women want to play in this particular game, they need to learn to play by the rules. (As Nicole points out, the rules may be different elsewhere... if I go to Japan, I damn well better learn to bow.)

I will say that gentlemanly behavior towards women in general social settings is something I'm cautious about. I grew up in an era where it was unlikely to get you laid and at least somewhat likely to get you slapped. That sort feminism is rarely seen in the Southeast U.S. now, outside of certain circles where I don't hang out. But when I travel to somewhere else, I'm careful to size up the situation before I do something like hold a door. Even then I get it wrong occasionally and get a dirty look or nasty comment for performing some prosaic favor.

Dave B. I doubt that Patrick watches Red Eye or Fox. He does know how to snark on what he doesn't watch - others tell him what to say. Those others don't watch either. Funny that.

My goodness. You do get offended by a lot of what I say. I should have thought you would have been pleased with my post, Mr. Old School. I was vilifying someone for failing to apologize for making a sexist comment.

And no one told me what to say, thank you very much. When I first posted the story on Facebook about Gutfeld's and Bolling's crude comments, a friend had pointed out that Bolling had apologized, so I Googled it and I found Greta Van Susteran's article claiming that Bolling and Gutfeld had apologized.

I read Gutfeld's supposed apology and it was nothing like an apology. Perhaps I missed something, but did you see anything in that comment section that looked anything like "I'm sorry" or "I apologize"?

It seems one needs a scorecard to keep track of what actually gets you bent out of shape. You claim to have an "old school" attitude when it comes to insulting women...thus far, I've noticed a conspicuous lack of application to this rule to women other than Sarah Palin. But I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you'd come riding like a white knight should I insult Michelle Obama or Hillary Clinton.

But your attitude toward women seems to take a back seat when it comes to Fox News. I attacked only Gutfeld's (lack of an) apology, but you seem to feel the need to defend all of Fox News.

So, attacks on Fox News is your number one sore spot, with attacks on women (cough, coughSarahPalincough, cough) coming in second place?

I will do my best to remember this.

Cousin Dave: I grew up in an era where it was unlikely to get you laid and at least somewhat likely to get you slapped.

The opinions of your malicious ex notwithstanding, I can't imagine anyone wanting to slap you. If anyone should, my advice is to have them arrested for battery. Perhaps Dave B would not agree, but being a woman is not a license to hit people. It's still battery, regardless of who does it.

Whistledick, you're most welcome. Glad you enjoyed it.

Patrick,

The getting slapped for holding a door is real but rare and incredibly stupid. I think those days are passing. I associate that with the college attending gender warrior types. They are just so desperate to find offense they will jump on anything. I had a girl at OU try and bitch me out for holding a door open. The fact that I hold doors for men too was not on her radar. The only solution I can think of is identifying those people and slamming the door shut. If we could bar it that would be nice too.

I am sad to say that this type of feminist whining makes me care less about all women's issues. I'm becoming immune, losing my sympathy. I've only got so many "give a fucks" in me and right now I'm just about out. Ladies, your shrieking sisters are causing many men to not give a fuck about your real issues.

You may not care about women's issues, but women's issues care about you.

I can't figure out what AA's position is on this. People should be considerate. That includes speech and it certainly includes not titling books with profanities, even abbreviated ones. Telling victims of rudeness to toughen up is exactly the same as telling them to accept a society of malevolence. And, I don't think I'm going to do that.