The Power Of Gratuitous Kindness
I write in the end of "Good Manners for Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck," in the chapter "Trickle-Down Humanity," about how it's actually in our self interest to do kind acts for others.
Research by positive psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky suggests that being gen- erous to others is one of the main ways (along with expressing gratitude) that we can increase our happiness. Showing another person a little generosity of spirit is also likely to put them in the spirit to "pay it forward" to people they encounter . . . and so on, and so on. The way I see it, a bare minimum of one kind act a day should be our self-imposed cover charge for living in this world. We get the society we create--or the society we let happen to us.
Sometimes, you can make a difference in a person's life with an act of kindness -- sometimes, you can make an enormous difference. The most powerful kind acts are those we do for strangers, and the most powerful of those are those we do anonymously.
There's a beautiful and very moving piece, "The Power of Gratuitous Kindness," by Wendy McElroy, about a kindness done for her after she became homeless as a teenager in the wake of her father's death and her mother's becoming angry, violent, and unstable. An excerpt:
A steady, growing conflict with my mother erupted in violence over the holiday season. Without burdening the account with detail, I will simply say it became safer for me to sleep on the streets than in my own bed.Only, one of the problems with this solution was that I lived in Ottawa, Canada where temperatures in December and January average between 13 to 19 degrees Fahrenheit.
The days were safer than the nights. The downtown public library was huge and open during the day; there was always a corner in a reading room or the stacks where I could disappear behind a book. I was able to wash up quickly in the women's restroom.
At night, I took shelter in a nearby church that did not lock its large wooden front door. I would watch from across the street until no one had gone in or out for 20 minutes or so. Then I would steal inside and stretch out on the last pew, as far away from the center aisle as possible.
I was always cold and always afraid. In the church, I was terrified that someone would find me sleeping on the pew and literally throw me out into the freezing cold. Every night I fell asleep fully clothed but still shivering in a cramped, curled position. Every morning I woke up and fled before anyone entered and found me.
At least that was what I thought. But I was wrong.
One morning I woke up and I wasn't cold. During the night, someone had pulled a blanket over me. I would have been weak with gratitude if that person had simply ignored my existence and let me use the church for a few more nights. As it was, he or she chose to make me warm without demanding an explanation or anything in return.
I had stopped expecting kindness from the people who were supposed to love me; now, I received it from a stranger.
...The store owner helped me gain confidence in myself but the stranger in a church helped me believe in other people again.
I think facebook can really enable people to help others. Here in central Texas, at least, we have lots of local groups such as "totally free (insert town here)". There are several thousand members, and if someone posts that their neighbors sister has a seriously ill child and their electricity is about to get shut off due to tight finances, for example, people can coordinate and each donate a little, and really help them out. Parents who need a carseat but can't afford one right now, people who are short on food with no money at the moment, all can get help easily from those of us who want to help but simply don't know how/who/etc. I provided big parts of christmas dinners to several families this season, along with others who contributed items with me. Kids got presents who maybe would not have otherwise. It's a great way to link up local communities and eliminating overhead like traditional charities have. Just today the community rallied and got diabetic testing supplies to a teen who's family was simply broke right now.
And it feels awesome to help.
momof4 at January 1, 2015 3:53 PM
I agree with you, momof4, and nice to see you 'round here.
And great point about Facebook and other social media has help tools.
Also, in my book, I reference research by Haidt and Algoe that finds that even hearing about others' kind acts can motivate people to act in kind. So Facebook serves that as well.
Amy Alkon at January 1, 2015 3:59 PM
We have some friends who are having a problem. The husband is sick--went into hospice last week--and they are having the usual issues.
Some guys from the church take care of the woodburner--complicated steam heat fired by a wood-fired boiler.
Today, we had the wife over for dinner and to watch the Cotton Bowl. In times like these, there's no such thing as too much distraction.
You never know. It's a matter of fitting what you can do to what you encounter.
A few bucks here, a meal and distraction there, a hand with, say, some fixing-up.
Be alert and you'll find something to do every day.
Richard Aubrey at January 1, 2015 7:38 PM
The fact is that if you are not seen as "gaming the system" – if you are genuinely in need - Americans will step up to help you.
Sadly, there are so many who are "gamers" that the seriously needy often do without...
Radwaste at January 2, 2015 12:10 AM
Amy Alkon
https://www.advicegoddess.com/archives/2015/01/the-power-of-gr.html#comment-5731574">comment from RadwasteTo me, kindness to others is normal. But it means so much to people, especially strangers, and you see it from their reaction. I helped a woman on the street last night in THE most minor way, and she hugged me a few times.
Think about how good it has felt at the times you were in need and somebody came to your rescue and then just do that for others -- especially strangers.
Amy Alkon
at January 2, 2015 5:04 AM
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