Feminist "Self-Care": Thumbsucking For Grownups
There's a post by Eleanor Sharman at Versa about self-care culture and "the bizarre infantilization of women," which I think should be called "the bizarre self-infantilization of women."
We all feel a need for comforting from time to time, but that's different from creating a comfort culture -- which some feminists have on Facebook -- and going to...yes, I'm serious...an "adult nursery school," where you fingerpaint and such.
Discomfort is actually adaptive, meaning it motivates you to look at problems in your life and fix what's broken.
Sharman feels similarly:
This post is about self-care. And, in a way, I'm a pretty staunch advocate. Looking after yourself is vital. Vulnerable people must be able to defend themselves. It's important to realise that you may always have your detractors, and running after them with flowers won't make anybody happier. Trying to make reality kinder, and safer, is no bad thing: to say otherwise is at best a dick move, and at worst both selfish and dangerous.But there's a difference between trying to make reality kinder and burying your head in the sand. And the massive growth of self-care culture is getting weird. There's the harmless and good, like the Oxford Women Self-Care Facebook group [apparently now erased from Facebook], where women post their feelings and things they need cheering up about, and other women oblige. It's actually very lovely. But there are also other things.
For instance, self-care culture is all-forgiving: you fuck up? No problem. You do something awful? Not your fault. You hurt someone? Don't beat yourself up.
The thing is, sometimes we should beat ourselves up. Not the constant, vicious self-flagellation that comes with low self-esteem and other problems, but human, moral guilt. When we hurt others, we should feel bad about it. Fucking up doesn't mean you're a bad person; it means you did something wrong. Perspective is vital. But this urgent, reactionary desire for mutual absolution has a sinister side. Cheap pronouncements of forgiveness from strangers don't fix anything. They just make us feel better about our own failings.
And the better we feel, the more we deny responsibility, the less likely we are to change. The more likely we are to fuck up again. So we'll be back to the internet begging for pictures of cute animals, for positive vibes from well-meaning people who don't have a clue. It's the kind of escapism seen in America's terrifying new fetish for adult play centres.
And no, that doesn't involve tongue. Unless you're talking about fingerpainting with pudding, which we did when we were, oh, 6.
Why is it that feminism these days so often seems to lead to the antithesis of breast-baring, chest-pounding equality-professing?
via @SteveStuWill
which some feminists have on Facebook -- and going to...yes, I'm serious...an "adult nursery school," where you fingerprint and such.
Did you mean fingerPAINT?
lujlp at January 29, 2016 10:29 PM
I did, thanks, luj. You caught me as I was putting this up. I correct it just now. Annoyingly, autocorrect has somehow been enabled on my laptop.
My laptop apparently finds it hard to believe that I would have any need to type "fingerpaint."
Amy Alkon at January 29, 2016 10:32 PM
Feminists should always have to go through Indian CSRs, computer prompts on telephone calls ("Press 1 for Siri, 2 for ISIS, ...), and forced to use AutoCorrect for everything they write.
Even pirates don't force their audience through the above.
Bob in Texas at January 30, 2016 6:02 AM
@"comfort culture"
I like that term.
If one studies cults, you'll find one of the typical attributes of a cult is isolation: Cults usually attempt to isolate potential victims from what would traditionally be their support base. That leaves their victims more vulnerable, and the cult steps in to offer that role of support.
Traditionally, a man would be a primary 'support base' for a woman. But feminism directly attacks men and specifically targets and breaks down that role (a.o. by directly preaching anti-male views, and by disrupting the very notion of bonding with a man who fulfills an emotional support role). This leaves the women who buy into feminist ideas (even non-feminists who indirectly absorb a few of these bad ideas) more vulnerable and lonely, as they either struggle more to obtain or hold down a relationship with a decent man (as they're spouting caustic feminist anti-male views, or they've adopted 'body acceptance' so are getting overweight, or they refuse to dress sexy because it might please a man, or they are saying 'funny' things over dinner conversations like 'a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle ha ha' etc., or even are proudly riding the carousel etc.), or they simply feel less comfortable letting a man be her primary support base.
They thus effectively become completely isolated from men *as a potential support base*. The cult then steps in and offers them support and comfort and endless mutual-back-patting (e.g. 'you look great fat don't worry - a decent guy would love you anyway!' and so on).
This increasing 'self-care culture' is really a manifestation of this.
Lobster at January 30, 2016 7:59 AM
Even pirates don't force their audience through the above.
Gets in the way of making ye walk the plank. Arrr!
I R A Darth Aggie at January 30, 2016 9:02 AM
"Why is it that feminism these days so often seems to lead to the antithesis of breast-baring, chest-pounding equality-professing?"
All of western culture has moved this direction. The self esteem movement failed to recognize high self esteem is as toxic as low self esteem. You want accurate self esteem. I.e. I suck a task a. But I'm good at task b. Either I should work to improve on task a or double down by abandoning task a entirely and putting everything into task b.
Claiming to be great at everything and telling everyone 'life is so great you just can't stand it' is stupid. The cognitive dissonance becomes deafening.
Ben at January 30, 2016 10:11 AM
I dunno, adult preschool sounds fun. I mean, one of the joys of being a parent is getting to do stuff like fingerpaint again. Except that since you have to clean up, it's less fun than you remember. So having someone else do the cleaning sounds awesome to me.
NicoleK at January 30, 2016 10:21 AM
If I was 20 years younger I'd take up body painting as an artistic career.
Bob in Texas at January 30, 2016 11:48 AM
I assume you have to pay that someone who does the cleaning NicoleK. Sounds expensive.
Ben at January 30, 2016 1:42 PM
I have a theory that high self esteem without actual accomplishments or ability leads to rage against....everything. How dare the world be so hard? How dare employers demand I be there on time and work nonstop? It isn't fair!! Tear it down! How dare people say mean things! I need a safe space. And not just women.
I think spending more time as a young person cleaning gutters and painting houses and shoveling snow, as I did, help prevent this because it is reality-based. I bet a lot of these crybullies have never had a job where they got hot and sweaty and exhausted.
Craig Loehle at January 30, 2016 2:05 PM
I really hate the term "self care." I'm sitting here trying to verbalize the reason I so dislike it, and other than the term's association with feminism, I got nothin'. I take care of myself, I don't "practice self care." Uhg. It's just so pretentious.
Ahw at February 1, 2016 11:44 AM
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